No means no.
So, this is me watching this film:
No.
No.
No. No, no, no.
Noooo!
Aaaah!
I mean, what the fuck? Came out of (my
self-imposed) retirement for this. Some people love this film, some people say it's one of the
greatest war films ever. Those people, I'm guessing, have not seen 'Apocalypse Now,' 'The Big Red One,'
'The Longest Day,' 'Saving Private Ryan,' 'Platoon,' and that's just
off the top of my drunken head.
Okay, so, it's kinda sad but in this
day and age, I feel I have to make it clear: I do actually like Mel
Gibson. Crucify me if you must (the irony will not be lost on me).
He went a bit crazy, sure, but as the
most-normal-film-character ever said: 'We all go a little crazy
sometimes.' And we do, but we don't have recordings of our craziness.
Or do we?
Shit. Wait, gotta write a few people to
make sure they've deleted those drunken rants I sent them.
Point is: Mel is a very good actor and
a great director and I've always liked him.
I was ready to watch an awesome film. I
was ready to watch Mel making a film that meant: 'Hey, fuck you all,
see what I can do? I'm awesome! Fuck off!'
But, yeah: no.
First, well, I got a problem with films
(and people. And governments [hayır]!)
that are all about God. The film starts with this, and we see the
commandments and we keep hearing about and seeing them and his dad is
just so awful and the main dude almost killed his brother, so he
learned that killing is just so, so, so wrong.
But then Uncle Sam says: 'Fuck you!
Kill!' But he doesn't want to 'cause he's pure. And yes, I know it's
a real story, but there's a good way to tell a true story and a
cheesy, stilted, biased way to do it.
Damn, even my angry rants are getting
all muddled up. Point is: he's bashing our heads in with a bible.
For one hour, we get some God
propaganda and a bullshit love story, because you need to root for
the good guy! 'Cause even if you don't believe in God, you gotta
believe in love, 'cause this is America! (and yes: tomorrow is Saint
Valentine's Day [happy birthday, Greg!])
After that painful bullshit, which I
will call the 'Titanic Bullshit Hour' (you know: pointless love
story, but even worse because, well: no boobs). Then there's some
more painfuler (yes, this is a grammatical mistake, on purpose. Call DeVos if that makes you angry) crap
with the whole 'drill sergeant is an asshole' (Hey, let's include
'Full Metal Jacket in that list of good war films!) and the
main guy's rival is an asshole, but Gosh darn it (do I need to
capitalize 'Gosh'?), I'm betting they're gonna be in a combat
situation and that awful dude will, in the end, be a good, real,
wholesome American and save the main guy and make him a PB & J.
Yeah, that totally happens. Well, not
the sandwich part. But it might have ended up on the editing
room floor.
So, okay, let's be honest: there are
some impressive battle scenes. The way the first battle starts is, well, quite amazing.
'Amazing' if you think that the
Japanese soldiers were fanatics who only wanted to murder their
enemies, because sure, why not. The US Army's first job was setting up democracy,
as always, as it is still doing (refer to 'Team America.' Fuck,
yeah).
To be fair, there is one moment where
some US soldiers kinda mention that they killed wounded Japanese
soldiers. But I'm guessing this was in the film for two reasons.
1 - to show how amazing that main guy
was, how totally awesome and Jesus-like he was (more on that later):
he saved humans. Period. He'd have saved a hemorrhaging Goebbels had
he been in Berlin at the time.
2 - This scene was included in case
anyone would criticize the film. Then they'd be able to
say: 'Well, dude, like: nu uh! There's this scene, which you probably
totally didn't get, where they say they killed wounded gooks - I
mean, Japanese soldiers. - '
Ah, OK. So the scenes where Japanese
soldiers slit the throats of wounded American soldiers is totally
okay then.
So, yeah: yadi yadi yada, God. Yadi
yadi yada, America. Yadi yadi yada, hero.
Should I mention the end? I'd say
spoilers alert, but fuck you: I won't.
So: the Hero (capital 'H' like the jam
brand, that's right) gets wounded, asks for his Bible (probably
capital 'B'?) and is the only soldier who gets lowered down in a
half-Jesus stance.
Because Mel knows: Never go whole Jesus.
