Gangster Squad

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First of all, I should say that I liked this film way better when it was called 'The Uncouchables' or 'LA Confidential' or even 'The Magnificent Seven.' Or 'Ocean's 11.' It tries really hard to be cool, and sometimes -but oh so rarely- it is.

So: it's about cops setting up a squad to kill a bad guy. I was sure that the first who was going to die would be the one showing a conscience and who has a family and who is given a chance not to join the squad. I was, of course, totally right. If that spoiled it for you, then you have no foreshadowing abilities or you've never ever seen a Hollywood film. Ever. And if 'Gangster Squad' is your first Hollywood film ever, I am sorry for you. Truly.

But hey, back to the cool things: truth is, give me Tommy guns and I'm happy. Seriously, the couple of good moments involve Tommy guns. Because: 'Fuck! Tommy guns! Awesome!'

The slow-motion scenes look great, too but let's face it: that's what slo-mo does. As 'South Park' demonstrated, even making coffee in slow motion looks kind of cool.

Now, let's talk about the elephant in the room. The non-acting elephant...

I'm not sure what all the hooplah about Ryan Gosling is. He acts like a shy Marlon Brando wearing a wax mask: you can't really understand what he says for his whispering and he never really shows any emotion. Seriously, even in a speeding car shooting at another car, he's got the expression people have when ordering a burger from the drive-thru. 

I know women will answer: 'He's so dreamy, you're just jealous! He's a cutie.' To which I say: 'Fine.'

But when we say the same shit about women, don't you dare tell us we objectify you! Women are as horny and deviant as men are. You talk about Ryan, I'll talk about Kylie and life goes on, ok?

Anyway, it's not fair what I just said. He's got two emotions. There's the slight smile as in 'I'm trying to look friendly/I'm hitting on a girl/I've just farted in my pants/You just said something hilarious/I just said something hilarious/I'm happy to be smoking.' And then there's the deadpan as in: 'My best friend just died/I am driving/I need to shoot someone/My lover has left me/You said something intriguing/I have explosive diarrhea/I shouldn't be smoking.'

He looks like an 18-year-old who won first prize in the 'star in a big hollywood film' contest. It's like he doesn't really know what he's doing there and neither do the other actors.

We need a film with Gosling, Keanu Reeves and Ryan Phillipe: the 3-paralyzed-faced brothers. Seriously, get the Farrely brothers on this! The role of the father would of course be played by Stallone.

So that takes care of Gosling, now on to the 'dialogue.'

Was it written by an intern or something? Or a bunch of lethargic badgers? Here are some examples, you tell me:

'This is war, people die.' 'I'm sorry I can't believe you'd say something like this.' Neither can I! How did they come up with this? Did they flip open a book of clichés and write down the first thing they landed on?

How about this:

'I can't figure out your angle!' or 'I'm looking out for you, trust me.' 'No, I don't trust you.'

These are just a couple of stilted lines that jumped at me. But they're all terrible. The way I felt hearing these lines is the way I imagine I'd feel if I bought a breast of chicken, let it sit in the sun for a week, then cover it with chili powder and eat it raw. I'd feel nauseous as fuck. The only difference is that thankfully with the chicken I'd probably die and wouldn't have to listen to such horrible dialogue again.

But, hey, I just got a tag line for the film: 'Gangster Squad: You'll Be Nauseous as Fuck!'

'Gangster Squad: Salmonella For The Ears.'

As far as the 'playful banter' goes, well... fuck. When Gosling first talks to Tomato, which is how he first calls Emma Stone's character -which perfectly fits her acting skills and charisma- anyway, when he first talks to her you can tell they were going for a Capra-style Wilder-inspired playful banter. But it really isn't and it's just awful. Getting an ice-pick shoved in your ear must be more pleasant that hearing these two trying to act cool.

The last time I saw less chemistry between two 'living entities' was when a fat pug (so, a pug) was running around trying to fuck a crippled pigeon. I understood there was an end-goal for one of them, but I also knew that no matter what was about to happen, it would be a lose/lose situation for everyone involved.

But at least it was more natural than Wax-Face and Red-Vegetable pretending to like each other.

Emma Stone, by the way, looks way too 2013 even though she's trying to act cool and classy and retro. She's not. At all. She looks too young, too short and so not glamorous. Sure, in real life, Cohen's squeeze might have looked liked her, but if you're going for accuracy, how about hiring a fatter, older Cohen?

Speaking of Mickey Cohen...

Penn looks like he's a character from 'Dick Tracy,' which is a film I really like. It also has Tommy guns in. And pretty much the exact same montage sequence. And story, for that matter. Cohen is Big Boy. Brolin is Tracy. The other cops are just dicks.

Also, 'Dick Tracy' is based on a comic book, so if all the bad guys are over the top, it makes sense and a guy shooting two Tommy guns is kinda fun and cool. But everybody knows this is totally impossible! The recoil on these was insane! Come on! So, in 'Dick Tracy,' it works. In this film, it's just silly.

There's also a bit of 'Bugsy' in Penn's Mickey (that sounds like a very dirty sentence). Is Penn a Warren Beatty fan? Shit, who isn't?! Plus, they have Madonna in common. Shit, who doesn't?

There's also a bit of De Niro's Capone. So you know, on paper it looks good: A bit of Pacino, a bit of De Niro, a bit of Beatty. But come on, it's Sean Penn! He usually does his own thing!

I really hope he acted in this to make lots of money to finance his next film, because that's what he did with 'Carlito's Way.' Except that was a De Palma film with Pacino and it was great. So, let's hope something good will come out of this shit: a new Penn film!

Quick side note: Who told Ribisi to act with his arms and hands? Seriously? Did he think this was a silent film or something? Did L. Ron Hubbard, from beyond the grave, urge him to act this way?

All this is unfortunate, because the topic is great: LA in the 50s, mob, etc, etc. But it feels like a bunch of dudes playing pretend and filimg it. I realize that's exactly what every film ever is. But if it's well done, you can't tell the people are acting and you get immersed in the story. With this film, you don't. Even the one liners are delivered in a way that makes you think: 'Wait. Was that supposed to be funny or tragic?'

You know who's gonna die within a minite of meeting them and when they do, you expect the 'good guys' to look at the sky and scream 'Noooooooo!'

I'm surprised the guys shotting Tommy guns weren't giggling with glee (like I would be). Have I mentioned I think those guns are pretty cool?

I really wanted to like this film. When I first saw the poster and the trailer, I had a little orgasm. LA, the 50s, the mob, Sean Penn being a bad ass. It could have been great, or at least quite good, but the dialogue was so horrendous and the story such a cliché and a rehash of better films that I wonder why the hell they even bothered making this film.

Seriously: people make fun of Hollywood because of films like these. Also, it shows Parker and Daryl Gates as two awesome LAPD dudes. Sure. After all, they're two of the most racist cops in LA, but hey, let's make them heroes, because why the fuck not.

At the end, during the pointless voiceover, because of course there's be a pointless voiceover at the end of this film, when we see Brolin looking at his badge, I told myself: 'Oh, please don't throw it into the ocean, don't throw it into the ocean!'

Then he fucking chucked it into the ocean. Because if you want to quit the LAPD, you just throw your badge into the ocean. You want to carry a non-conform 6-shooter on your beat? And you're Hispanic? Hey, yeah: okay, sure! This is LA, where everything can happen! Even, unfortunately more often than not, crappy films like this one!