Mr Nice

IMDb Link

Based on the eponymous book, ‘Mr Nice’ tell the wild tale of Howard Marks.
While the book was entertaining, albeit not very well written (sorry, but the sentences were just too choppy. Plus I am not sure I buy all of it. Marks is a self-confessed liar/yarn-spinner, so most of what he writes is probably exaggerated, but that’s cool), the movie did an impressive job of adapting the book. Although I believe that a mini-series or trilogy would have been better suited for all the material.

As always, and understandably so, I am sure that lovers of the book will say the film is crap because it condenses so much and bypasses so much more. Which is why I said a mini-series would have been better, because the parts that have been condensed/ignored are quite entertaining. For me, the book got really interesting when he gets arrested. Everything before, while entertaining, is also too repetitive. Plus it’s got way too many names and deals to keep track of.
The film ignores his year-long stay in Spain before being extradited to the US. It also doesn’t really show anything about his incarceration in Miami nor Terre Haute, except for the losing teeth and teaching parts.
And even Lovato doesn’t seem that much of an asshole in the film.
It also doesn’t show the struggle Judy goes through, it doesn’t show that she was also arrested and how they used the media to sway the public opinion.
And it completely ignores the whole Bangkok/Thailand/Moynihan part of the story, which was one of my favorite in the book. But, oh well. They can’t please everybody, I guess. It would have been nice to see him eat a tiger’s dick and a tuna’s jawbone, though. Plus what a film always need is Asian hookers.
Also, and I think rather importantly: how he gets the name of Mr Nice is also not accurate in the film, once again combining some things. It wouldn’t be that important, except it’s the friggin’ title!

The acting is, however, very good. As mentioned, the adapting is impressive, because it is quite a daunting task to adapt Marks’ memoirs. But, at the risk of repeating myself, 2 hours can’t do it justice. The directing is also good, and I would say that the use of green screens makes it look like genuine 70s cheesy kitsch. I don’t know if that’s what they were going for, but it worked for me.
Going back to the acting, when in the book Marks says that he went through all the possible emotions upon hearing of his parole, what I imagined is exactly what I saw. Mr Ifans is quite impressive and, dare I say it, is the perfect guy to play Marks. Plus he’s really Welsh, not some American accent acting with a bad accent (Yes, I’m looking at you Ms Sevigny).

Then, just when you’re respecting the screenplay, even though it left out your favorite bits, it goes into cartoon mode with the ‘arrest’ of James ‘The Kid’ McCann. What the fuck was that all about? The Kid is pretty cartoonish and is quite funny in the book. In the film, well, at least he’s played by Thewlis, but he’s not as funny and goody and stupid as he should have been. And the whole smoke grenade/machine gun thing is absurd. I don’t know, maybe it’s in the book and I blocked it out. Or it’s a way to show how The Kid sees himself, as some kind of hero and it shouldn’t be taken at face value. But I still thought it kinda sucked.
Then it doesn’t show the judge’s vocabulary mistake. I know it’s merely an anecdote, but it’s so surreal that it would’ve been awesome to see it.

All this being said, as in ‘Blow,’ I feel no pity whatsoever for the main character. At least Marks only dealt in hashish and marijuana (or so he says), which is less horrible than cocaine or guns. But at the end of the day, call me a square if you must, but he broke a million laws, so it’s not surprising he got busted. Plus he had a family and he was super rich already, so greed got the better of him, so I can’t pity him. He fucked up his kids and his wife and his life. He is in no way a hero. Yes, I am envious of his previous lifestyle, but he fucked it all up. For a few extra million pounds. Most people would do the same. That’s why I’m a misanthrope.
Anyway, he lost it all, but then he wrote a famous book which was made into a film. So he is profiting from his past crimes. Isn’t that what our modern society is all about?

So, bottom line is, as is so often the case: if you haven’t read the book, you might enjoy it, although it's really nothing new. Guy decides to smuggle dope, gets filthy rich, loses it all, goes to prison.
If you’ve read the book, you’ll get pissed off that your favorite bits were left off.

Let’s hope HBO will one day have a mini-series about ‘Mr. Nice.’ Even if some of it is bullshit (I mean, it’s like you’re reading Verbal Kint’s autobiography), it’s still pretty entertaining.

Cosmopolis

IMDb Link

I won't waste your time like this film did mine. I'll come right out and say it: It's a bad film.
If you want to know a bit more about it, please keep on reading. If not, that's cool. Just avoid this film as if it was coming after you with a syringe full of AIDS.

David Cronenberg's a love/hate kinda guy. For a while I assimilated him to oozing psychotic sex, but I've liked or loved some of his films ('Existenz,' 'Spider,' 'A History of Violence,' 'Eastern Promises'). And the films I didn't really like or cared for, I have to admit that they were original and somehow memorable, as was the acting.
So, now...

What the fuck?

He's got a bad, bad, bad actor in a lead role who could have been played by a ventriloquist's dummy with more emotion. Hell, even Ryan Philippe would have been better. His body movement is completely off (really: do a shot of your favorite drink whenever he moves his head or face in a way that seems totally fake. By the 30th minute you'll be so shit-faced you might start thinking he's not a bad actor), his delivery is bad, and he looks like he's a transvestite whose act is a 'serious business dude.'
Yeah... So he's a guy pretending to be a woman who's pretending to be a man. That's right, I've said it.
In the diner scene, at the beginning, I was hoping for a Viggo cameo. He'd come rushing by, and smash a boiling pot of coffee on that talentless hack's head. Alas, that did not happen. Viggo could have glassed the fuck out of the even less talented 'blonde' bitch. But that, alas, didn't happen either.

There is a burst of violence early on, but it looks so staged and fake that it doesn't even make your cringe. Plus it looks like it was there just because people (such as me) expect that kind of thing in a Cronenberg film.

I haven't seen and will hopefully never see any of the 'Twilight' films. But is Pattison this horribly terrible? I'm guessing the dialogue isn't as challenging when you're an emo vampire/what-have-you, but still... The dude is not a good actor. He can't even act when he's just eating. Even that looks completely fake! Even his hand pouring a drink acts badly!
The only thing he does more or less convincingly is acting mildly perturbed when he's getting fingered. But I'm guessing he gets that from experience. Plus, that's a pretty fucking long rectal exam. And he does it every day? Yeah. OK... A guy needs his thrills, I guess.

There is a plethora of famous and great actors and they do their best, but shit: acting in front of an animated wax figurine must be challenging. So even they come off as being stilted. So it makes you think: well, that's what Cronenberg's going for. A whole Bresson kinda thing. But, no. Probably not. I think it's just a bad film. The screenplay really tries to be meaningful and deep and perhaps it is, but the acting is so horrendous that I just wanted to gouge my eyes out and shove them into my ears.

The story could have been interesting: a dude in a car, stuck in traffic, interacting with different people. But it's not really linked together, it's pretty non-sensical, too episodic and, dare I repeat myself: Pattison is atrocious.

The end tries to be shocking/daring/unexpected. But I so didn't give a shit about the protagonist that the end was sweet because it meant I wouldn't have to see his moronic robotic face anymore.

If only he had been a good actor, maybe the film would have been better, but I'm not even sure of that at this point. Sure, some lines were funny (well, one was), but the actor delivered them as if the doctor's finger was still twiddling his ass.

By the way, the writer of the original story is kind of a famous and talented guy. Don DeLillo (don't fret, the 'kind of' was my attempt at an understatement).
This shows that a good book (and it mostly was) can be a bad film (and it was).

At this point, I think that DiCaprio and Farrell are geniuses. Apparently the latter was supposed to be in this and I hate to say it: but it might have been a better film.

Detachment

IMDb Link

Before watching this film, open a bottle a wine, load a gun and tie up a noose and make sure your beams will hold your weight, 'cause this is a doozy! I half expected the film to end with a title card, saying: 'And then he died of cholera.' I am also surprised they haven't used REM's 'Everybody Hurts' at least once. I'm sure they wanted to, though.

I get it that life sucks, but shit: I know this, I don't need to spend 90 minutes looking at how life sucks for other people!
Because it does. This is all about under-appreciated teachers, angry kids, teenage hookers, sad kid hookers, angry hooking kids, dying grandfathers, fat kids who are misunderstood and who got so much talent, etc, etc, etc. (to be fair, all the hooker/kid/angry involve the same character. But still.)
So this is pretty much a long episode of 'Glee,' without the songs.

It's shot as a documentary, and especially towards the beginning it works, because you wonder if the people you see (meaning: the people you've never seen before) are actors or not, so it has a bit of a documentary feeling to it.
It also manages to show how fucked up the US 'education' system is, how people who care are not respected, how teachers get depressed and end up saying: 'Fuck that motherfucking shit.' And who can blame them?
It's about how human contact, in a completely non-sexual way, just in a fucking HUMAN way is 'inappropriate.' And when I say this I'm not talking about the teenager blowing old men in the bus, but the teacher hugging a student who really needs a fucking hug.

So people need to be more in touch with their feelings, but if you try to comfort someone, you're branded a pervert.

America: How I hate thy perverse hypocrisy.

But, on a (not so) lighter note: I liked the scene where some government sleaze-ball talks about getting better scores in order to raise the property value. That's as American as apple pie and high-school shootings. And who better to play this sleaze-ball than Mr Clay 'sheeeeeeeit' Davis himself (he's starting to become a regular on this here blog!)

I was surprised by the cast. I like Brody, but at some point his 'beat up puppy' look gets slightly tiring. Even when he's smiling, you feel like his heart is bleeding. Adrian: take a chill pill, watch an episode of 'Ren and Stimpy' or something.

When he starts talking to the camera, you're wondering who he's talking to. The cops or who? But, no, it turns out it's just a gimmick with no purpose. Oh, well.

However (look, ma: I'm using linkers!), I was floored by Bryan Cranston who, in about 2 minutes, probably less, manages to look sleazier, more evil and more repulsive than anyone in the film and anyone I've seen in a long, long, time. And I'm saying this after having watched 'The Departed' a couple of days ago, for the 10th time. A film that doesn't have a whole lot of friendly folks. Well, Cranston seems more malevolent and pernicious than any of the people in the Scorsese film. In under 2 minutes.

Then there's James Caan, who plays the cool dude who doesn't give a fuck, and he's awesome.
Then there's Tim Blake Nelson as the guy who's on the verge of a major collapse, and he's awesome. I kept expecting him to kill a student or himself. The fact that that doesn't happen is good.
Then there's Marcia Gay Harden who's sad and tough and great, as always (always great, I meant. Not that she's always sad and tough. Although, she kinda is...)
Then there's Lucy Liu, who I am sure is awesome. But it's Lucy Liu, my hormones work double time when I see her and I'm biased.

I also really enjoyed the animations, which were completely pointless, but quite nice.

So: the acting is great, sometimes even tremendous, because some lines are really quite corny, but the actors are able to deliver them convincingly.
The directing tries a little too hard to be 'gritty.' And the writing, well... The writer's heart is in the right place, but it feels a bit too much like "Oh, boy, oh boy, oh boy! We're gonna get an Oscar for sure!" Because it's just so fucking depressing all the time! All you needed was a crippled kid and then, well... It would be Oscar worthy. And even more like 'Glee.'

I criticized some of the cheesy lines, but there also some good lines, and I am so not at all like those teachers in any way, but I could kinda relate to them facing students being pricks. But Brody lecturing on 'doublethink?' Yeah, no. In the real world, he'd have been arrested, branded a communist and sent to Guantanamo.
Because life is 'Dirty Dancing.' The USA is Jennifer Gray. And nobody puts baby in a corner.

Also, I know that to show that it's a flashback from way back then, you have to change the film stock and make it look like it was shot on Super 8. But in this case it's just creepy because it looks like it was actually shot on Super 8. As in:
"Oh, wow. Your mom just OD'd on pills. Let me get that with my new camera. Damn, look at those tits! Okay, now let's cut to you: how do you feel? Yeah, great! You look sad! Are you sad? Yeah, probably, 'cause your mom's dead in front of you. Well... Shit, son, I don't know: Look at her tits! Now don't mind me I'm gonna keep filming close ups of you until the paramedics arrive. This will come in handy when you're gonna have to talk about your trauma as an adult, while pretending to smoke, trust me. It's gonna be a "show don't tell kinda thing." Don't cry, you pussy! Or I'll make sure you end up with your mom!'

But maybe I'm the only one who thought that.

In the end, I'm not sure who this film is for. Could be for students so they see that other students are also struggling and that teachers are humans, too.
Or it could be for teachers, saying: well, students are not always horrible and they are humans, too.
Or for people who are thinking about becoming teachers: For the love of God, don't do it! To quote 'The Departed': "The world needs plenty of bartenders!" (plus you can drink, you get to talk to women who are not under-aged and you don't have to work mornings!)

I know you're not gonna believe me, and this is a major spoiler, but get this: at first, the students don't respect him. And then, wow: they love him and they're sad that he has to go! This is pretty original. No? Yes? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller?

At least, surprisingly, it doesn't end in a totally expected suicide.

Oh, wait. It totally does.

Moonrise Kingdom

IMDb Link

Hey, there, fella. Lemme show you my prized poney, here. He don't look like much and he can't do much, but that's my poney and so take him or leave him... Well, fella, woah there: haven't you ever heard about looking at a gift poney's teeth? Or something or other like this. Anyway, you know what I"m talking about... Well, lemme tell you 'bout him some more...

He first directed a film where actors pretended they weren't acting and people thought that was genius.
He did it again after that, with even less acting and people loved it even more.
Then he got some amazing actors pretending not to act and that was tremendous.
Then he got actors not giving a shit anymore and not even trying to act, because he hadn't even tried to write anyway, and people still loved it.
So then, to be completely cool, he made one of them animation thing? Cute as fuck.
And so now he stopped having actors pretending they're not acting. He just got kids who can't act worth a damn, but since all his films are pretty much the same kinda shit, these kids look like great actors who are trying not to act. But the genius thing is: they ain't acting. 'Cause they can't. And so they don't. But they look like great actors who are pretending they can't. Catch my drift?

This is a long con and we're all the victims.

Yeah, well, so I rambled on and on. My point is: my poney here is the one-tricked kind and nobody seems to be noticing it at all.

He's got nice shots (the camera kind, not the syringe kind), I give him that. They're like photgraphs come to life. But the guy's so in love with his 'off-beat' image and 'off-beat' story that he forgets that some people sometimes actually need a story, or if not a story, at least some acting. If not that, well, he still got that whole 'stroked-out-Bergman-on-weed' vibe going for him, I guess.

My biggest qualm is that in his quest to be the 'off-beat cool God' he uses French songs. He used a Joe Dassin song at the end of his train whatchamacallit. Now he's using one of my favorite songs and pretty much ruining it because I can already picture a hipster party in the Hollywood Hills where a douche bag in a black suit will play this song on vinyl and start telling me why this is so awesome, even though before he had seen the film he had no idea who Françoise Hardy was and probably still doesn't know who Jacques Dutronc is.

Fucking hell. Know what? I'm gonna get me a camera and I'm gonna shoot my wine glass facing my ashtray while France Gall sings on the soundtrack and I'll be hailed as the new director of a generation. Non-acting. Objects being objects. Cool music.

At least Bill Murray is there. Although at this point, the whole Bill and Wes thing is getting a bit old. But at least it's Bill. If you don't know who Bill Murray is, I pity you. If you don't like Bill Murray, time to test your rope skills and see if that noose is gonna hold your weight.
Also, there's Bob Balaban. If you don't know/like Bob, please refer to the Bill notes above.
And there's a cool unexpected cameo. I'll give you a hint: you might have seen his penis at some point. And that probably made him cry. Shit, maybe it's not that unexpected at all, I just didn't see his name in the opening credits is all.
And if you think I'm too judgmental, then fuck you. Because... it's like, just your opinion, man.

But not even Bill can save this (again). It's too self-conscious, too 'trying to be so cool and off beat.' You know, when trying to be off-beat becomes your sole purpose, then you're not off-beat anymore. You're just a sad caricature of yourself. Wes' films look and feel like a film student's projects.
He's the weird guy who always dresses in black, with tasseled loafers and buttoned-down shirts. The guy who carries a Tim Burton lunch box and a 'Hello Kitty' pen set. The guy who has an iPhone like everybody else, but pretends that it's 'ironic' and just to take the piss. But it totally isn't, he just loves Siri so much. Mostly because it's the only feminine voice who doesn't sound creeped up by him. But, smirking, and when he's sure that there are enough people within earshot he'll ask: 'Siri, where can I buy embalming fluid?' Oh, he's sooooo weird!
He's the student who really wants to prove to his classmates and his professor that he's got a voice and a vision and that's he's cool and oh so different. At first, you're like: 'Wow! Amazing! That guy is so cool and different!' But then you're like: 'Oh. More of that, eh? Well. Ok.' And soon enough, you're like: 'Dude, we get it. Move on. We've all graduated. You're not that weird anyway.'

I mean, come on: I'd be entertained if only it weren't so blatant how 'off beat' you were trying to be.

In fact, you're trying so hard to be off-beat that the story takes a back seat. So is it about love? Or is it about your close-up shots and your deadpan actors? Or is it about something else all together? I feel like this is some kind of private joke, and I want in! Or maybe not because, to be honest, if this is some inside joke, everybody looks so fucking bored that it might be a good thing to not be on it.

Just so I don't sound like a total dick, lemme add that I enjoyed Ed Norton, he wasn't trying to not act and he was funny. I also enjoyed the 'Shawshank Redemption' 'homage.' But that's about it. Even Bruce Willis, whom I usually like, felt like he was thinking: 'Ha! I'm Bruce Willis. Acting in a weird off-beat role. Isn't that weirdj?' (Because in my mind, when Bruce Willis thinks, he thinks with a Dutch accent).

So that's why I'm getting rid of my poney, here. Please buy it. I'm sure he'll be more worthwhile as a bunch of sausages for dogs.

Allow me a final 'bon mot,' if I may. And the beauty of it is that it's obvious as hell and not funny at all. But because it's obvious as hell (since most characters are Boy Scouts) and not funny at all, some of you might think it's actually funny. It's a post-post-post modern kinda thing. This is what Wes is all about. So, here's my bon mot... Imagine a great actor saying it, close up on his face, dead-pan:
"It's not so much the khaki that bothers me, but all the caca."

Put some random Dalida on the soundtrack and you've got yourself a new Wes Anderson film. As long as you find some catchy title. So, let's call it: 'The Soliloquy Sonatas.'

Dark Shadows (2012)

IMDb Link

This is a tough one to write, because I enjoyed it, but I also couldn't help feeling a few things. No, not in that way, you creep.

Although... There are enough women of all ages here to please the pickiest of pervert. It is also the first film where I find Eva Green ridiculousy hot. Also, I loved the paintings of her in her boardroom, all the way to the 20s cubist/Art Nouveau or what-have-you one. Plus she keeps wearing boots. That's always a plus in my book. Speaking of which, since they end up sleeping together (in a pretty funny scene) and since she looks the way she looks... Wouldn't it have been more logical to put make up on her to make her ugly? I mean... Why would anyone not want to be with Eva Green? This is just silly. Plus we're talking about Eva Green with crazy super powers. That's even hotter.
And, well, of course, there's Michelle Pfeiffer, who's into a league of her own when it comes to beauty.
And, yes, because you all expect me to be creepy and I'd hate to disappoint you: Chloë Moretz is turning into a stupendous woman and her lips are going to give Ms Johansson's a run for their money. Yeah, yeah: I'm a creep.

So, now that this is behind us, let me deal with the film at hand. It is fun, it is everything you expect from a Burton/Depp film: Humor, 'romance,' and enough references to Gothic literature to make a Goth teen have an orgasm.

It must be cool to be Burton. In 'Edward Scisorrhands,' he had Vincent Price in his last role. Now he has Depp, as a vampire, hypnotize Christopher Lee. Christoper Lee! The more moronic of you are probably thinking: 'Oh, the dude from Lord of the Rings.' For me, he's Dracula. The first Dracula film I ever saw was with Mr Lee and he scared the shit out of me and since then he's always been Dracula. More than Scaramanga or Lord Baddie or whatever his character's name is in that overrated-Kiwi-trilogy crap.

But I had a point, so allow me to get back to it: this is a fun film. There's a lot of humor in it, and that's a plus. If you've seen either TV series (yes, it was remade in the late 80s/early 90s. That's when I first heard of this story), you know what the story is about, more or less.
And if you've ever seen a Depp/Burton film you know that it happens mostly at night, Depp looks the way he always looks: pale (with at times, I thought, pretty bad make-up. Also maybe he could have changed his clothes to try to fit in a bit more with the other 70s people. And someone could have mentioned that his nails needed clipping. Although that would have ruined the whole 'Nosferatu' look). As usual, only his hairdo changes. I am not criticizing, I am merely saying that Burton and Depp should try to change something. I mean, okay: it works, so why change it? But still... He could maybe, one day, play a non-pale non-British character with non-old-timey clothes.

I keep expecting a Burton/Depp sex tape. At this point, I think it's inevitable. Helena Bonham-Carter would film it, of course.

Anyway, my point was: it is fun, it is entertaining. At times it's even laugh-out-loud funny (yes: LOL). If you like Burton and Depp, you'll like this. If you hate them, well, give this film a skip, obviously. If you think witches, spells and vampires are all a bit silly and overdone these days (and who would blame you), then also skip it. But if you enjoy nice cinematography, Gothic tales, humor, Disney's haunted house, and hot women (and, well, I guess some people think Depp is hot, too), then watch it, with a grain of salt, and be entertained. Unfortunately, the last 15 minutes are quite silly (because, and that almost ruined the whole film for me, there's a werewolf. Out of the blue. For no reason. Forget the 'LOL', we're deep in WTF territory at this point).

Anyway, so the end/climax is quite silly and overdone and all over the place and illogical as hell. Okay, I am willing to accept vampires, but not a ghost who decides to have her revenge randomly or a random werewolf that serves no purpose whatsoever and whose powers disappear as mysteriously as they appeared. Also, I never bought the supposed true-love story between Depp and what's her face. Also, why didn't anybody mention the 20 dead hippies? I realize nobody gives a shit about hippies, but still... Anyway, shit, son: it's Hollywood. What are you gonna do?

So: yeah. Fun, except the last 15 minutes, which, come to think, might have ruined the film for me after all.

I had a thought while watching the dénouement: Maybe Burton's gonna film a remake of 'Beetlejuice,' replacing Keaton with Depp and giving as an excuse: 'Well, today with the advance in technology I can really make the film I had wanted to make back then.' And of course it will be in 3-D.
If this happens, I will say: 'Cool. I want to see it!' But I will also say: 'Oh, for fuck's sake!'

Anyway. Serioulsy: when will people learn that vampires can be cool or cruel or suave or sad, but werewolves are always just plain silly?