A Little Bit Of Heaven

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Be warned that I am spoiling the hell out this film. Consider yourself warned. Because I've just warned you.

My guess is that '50/50' started a trend: cancer is funny. Or trying to be, anyway. This is the dawn of the age
of the cancom. The difference here though is that '50/50' isn't all that bad. But, well, I'll be as obvious as the writing for this film was: 'A Little Bit of Heaven' felt like 'A Little Bit of Hell.' Well, no that's too harsh. 'A Little Bit of Purgatory,' maybe.

This is the ultimate romcom and when I say romcom I really mean chick flick: You got the goofy lonely girl,
with the goofy friendly gay neighbour and the goofy best friend and the emotionally-distant father (which I am guessing is the writer's way of saying that if the main character is kind of a whore, it's because she's got
daddy issues) and the goofy mother. She's brilliant at what she does and there's even a scene with her and her BFF in a convertible, singing along to the radio, because that's a scene no one's ever scene before. Ever. Oh, and the romantic interest is kinda goofy, too. And the dog is goofy. And the clouds in the sky and the lawn and the streets.
All goofy as fuck. Because they're de-dramatizing cancer. So it's gotta be goofy.

One day there'll be a goofy film about a nuclear holocaust and a goofy film about Auschwitz and a goofy film
about rape.

So, yeah: Goofy antics, then cancer, but still goofy, with sad moments because, you know: cancer. And of course the doctor is the guy she falls for.

Apparently, with chemo or with clinical drugs, having a drink is totally okay. And you puke once, but it still
kinda looks adorable. And then you get half a million from your insurance, so of course you take your friends on a shopping spree, because as we all know health care in the US is totally free and money is so not important in any way.
Fuck! Half a million? That would probably not even cover her surgery! And I'm talking about the surgery alone, not even the time spent in hospital and the treatments after that. Because it's America, where rich people get to live (Hooray! Cheney got a new heart!) and poor people die in the muck, Middle-Age style, because fuck you poor people, I didn't go to medical school to work for free and, like, save lives.

This being said I can't help but wonder: Is Hollywood trying to glam the fuck out of cancer? It's like: yeah, it's kinda sad, but hey: let's laugh about it. This reminds me of the 'South Park' 'AIDS is funny' episode.

By the way, completely off topic, but the main character's called Marley. Is that, like, a total 'Fuck you, Owen, try to kill yourself over me again?' I don't know, I'm just asking. Plus she does indeed end up like the dog, except it's not as sad.

Yes: I get it that this is a romcom and it can't be too depressing, but then why not just do away with the whole cancer story? Or it's not a romcom at all, it's a 'dramatic comedy.' Dramcom. Or cancom. Or romcom. How about doing away with the whole 'com' thing, since it was funny to begin with.

She could have an ingrown toenail. Or a big nose pimple. Or an ingrown hair on her nipple. These are all funny (as long as you don't have them, and when you do it's the worst thing ever. Or so I've heard.)

Also, because this is a Hollywood film, New Orleans is totally cool and hip and clean and friendly. There are no shady dudes telling you to follow them in alleys so you can show them how much money you've got on you (yes, it's happened to me) or squirting cum-like substances on your shoes (that also happened to me). Then again... well... those guys probably got wiped out by Katrina.

But, still: no drunk tourists and puke-inducing street walkers?? Have the floods really cleaned up New Orleans?

But I am being unfair, they do try to show the 'crazy' side of New Orleans with transvestites! OMG! Transvestites! That's Hollywood's idea of crazy debauchery!

Now's also a good time to mention that Gabriel Garcia Bernal is playing a doctor named Goldstein.
A Jewish doctor from Mexico? What was the point of that? Did they not know how to use the 'Replace' function in their screenwriting software when Bernal agreed to it? Or is that a 'joke?'
Well, shit. It's a cancer comedy, so I suppose a Mexican Jew is hilarious.

Speaking of the doctor, let's analyze this relationship: Mr Dreamy-Doctor, who's so funny and cute and cool and awesome, well he's sleeping with a girl who's his good-looking patient, and who will most probably die (and she totally does). If you're afraid of commitment, this is the ultimate fling. Not sure how Hippocrates would feel about this. To be fair, SHE mentions that to him, but he ends up acting like a Turkish teenager and telling her he loves her after, like, a week. And so: wow: drama! Because cancer is not drama enough! And because the screenwriter learned that drama was needed in the third act, so of course it's there. Crying, falling down, screaming, clichés, etc... It actually feels like it was written by a big fan of Kübler-Ross.

Let me also add that the main character keeps being a total bitch to her mother. I get it that there's probably some history between the two, but we're never shown or told it. And Kathy Bates keep being nothing but nice, so the main character ends up looking like a total bitch. I think this might be the prequel to 'Misery.' It would explain so much.

And the main character also keeps teaching the kid that Barbie's totally fake and to answer: 'I'm not only pretty, I'm smart!' and that's cool. But meanwhile, the main character and her friend are sleeping around as if it was going out of style. Okay, good for them. But, come on: using your looks to fuck the shit out of the world? That shows that you're smart?
I know, it's all about woman power: it's women who choose when sex happens, women buy condoms, women fuck around and are successful, women decide when to break up or reinitiate a relationship. Sure.
But why do they still come off as being slutty? (even though, let me be clear, most totally aren't, although the
main character, by her own admition was oversexed as a kid)

Yeah, yeah: coz of the phallocentric propaganda being hammered into our brains from the time we are born until the time we die.
Grab your walkwoman, read a HERstory book and fuck off.

Before I get accused of being a heartless bastard, I have to say I've been feeling pretty emotional lately,
I've actually shed tears while watching 'Le Zapping' and have cried while watching a film not long ago (I won't tell you which one). So... I am not a robot. But this was so obviously trying to make me cry that it failed. Come on: the minute you hear one of the friend's pregnant, you KNOW she'll give birth at the same time as the main character dies (and it TOTALLY happens!)

And what's the message in the end? You suffer, you die and a little while later all the people you loved are dancing, drinking, having fun. The man you loved is flirting with women, your dog has forgotten you and your parents are in love again. In other words: your time here is completely pointless. You die, and oh well: People will move on.

Shit, maybe this was a pretty deep movie after all.

PS: Who's actually shorter? Peter Dinklage or Senior Bernal? Doesn't matter, I like them both. Just wondering.

PPS: What about this as an alternative title: 'Even Whores Get Cancer'
I'm kidding, Jesus, get off your high horse! Or your non-veritcally-challenged mare or whatever.

Machine Gun Preacher

IMDb Link

WTF? Is this a propaganda film backed by the pope? Well, no, of course it isn't. The pope doesn't give a shit about Africa. But it does feel preachy and propaganda-ish.
When I first started watching, I thought: 'If it's not based on a real story, then it's 100% propaganda.
If it IS based on a real story, then it's only 90% propaganda.' Well, turns out it's based on a real story.

So here are the problems I have with this here film...

The guy comes out of prison, screams at his wife because she's found a real job and quit her pole dancing, then he shoots up in a bathroom and robs a dealer at gun point (shooting a couple of guys in the process) then stabs a crazy guy.
In other words, he's a junkie asshole (so: an asshole) with murder in his heart.
But then, he goes to church one day and he finds God and he starts to do good to people: he goes to Africa, he builds a church and an orphanage and all that.

Speaking of a church: During a village attack, the safest place for everyone to go to? The church. Yes. Put the whole village in an inflammable enclosed space. Good call. But, hey: the Lord protects them, so that's cool.

Also, it seems the only 'local' word he knows is 'yallah.'
To be fair, at some 'emotional point' in the film, his friend asks him if he really thinks God will forgive them for everything they've done and he can't answer that. Then again, he'd just sniped a kid. And, right after that, because in films all the doubts are piled on in the same 5 minutes, he's called a mercenary and he's talked about in the same way Kony was talked about at first.

Because, yes, this is about the shit Kony does. You know: Kony, the African flavor of the month,
supplanting the Somali pirates and the Darfour atrocities. Kony is the new guy to hate, didn't you get the memo? Haven't you read all the angry Tweets about him? Yes, you should hate him. Until we all forget about him and move on and let him massacre some more people.

I have to say I am starting to wonder about Michael Shannon. When he first appeard on the screen I thought it was cool because he was so completely different from his psycho character in 'Boardwalk Empire.' But he ends up being 'saved,' too. So he ends up being a religious nut. I at least expected him to try to touch Butler's girl or sleaze on Butler's wife. But, no. He's just a good guy now. Thanks to God. Hallelujah. All it takes after a life of assholeishness is 10 minutes in a church. And then you're a saint. Until your friend says something kinda mean about you. Then you die.

Also, and I'll probably go to hell for saying this (although all I've got to do is get baptized and repent and then
it's Heaven for little old me!), but the Africa scenes felt clichéd as hell. Yes, it is horrible what's going on there, but it felt like the director and screenwriter got a program called 'African-atrocities randomizer' and ended up getting villages being burned, kind white people helping helpless black people, mines, limbless people, children and women being super sad but putting on a brave face, etc... The only thing missing, surprisingly, is the main evil guy dressed in a military outfit, with a beret and mirrored sunglasses, smoking a cigar and justifying himself to the white man.

Then there's one kid who's looking for his family, but to make sure that white audiences recognize him whenever he's on screen, he's got a big scar on his face. Because: Awww, a kid with a scar. Poor dude (and if the scar is real, and it looks like it is, then really: poor dude!). But I can imagine the producers talking: 'Yeah, this is an unflinching hard-hitting gritty authentically real look at what's going on in the country of Africa [sic]. Those poor guys. So, let's cast a kid. But, and you know I'm not a racist, but they kinda all look the same, so make sure you get a kid with a feature that makes him stand out. Like a scar or something. Or maybe DiCaprio could do it? A bit of shoe polish could do the trick, what do you think?'

So, yeah: everyone is always depressed in Africa. Except when white people come to help. Then they're thankful and grateful. And of course the white people back in America live lavishly, wasting money, drinking booze and not giving a shit about anything. Well, okay, that last part is true.

But, hey, he really needs money, he's pissed off, he says the devil wins if he doesn't get money so he makes the ultimate sacrifice... This being America, he... wow... this is so emotional, I have a hard time saying it. But, no, I must be strong and tell it the way it is. Otherwise the devil wins... So... He decides to sell... his guns. My God. His guns! What kind of world do we live in where a white man has to sell his GUNS to help black kids in Africa?

Speaking of guns, correct me if I'm wrong, but where in the Bible does it say: 'Thou shall not kill, unless the person you want to kill is an asshole, in which case: knock yourself out.' I realize holy books have been misinterpreted even since they were mass-printed (and probably even before that), but still... It seems wrong to kill people, without a trial or anything, even if they are clearly evil. Hell, from their point of view, they're doing the right thing (which, let me be clear I do not condone in any way shape or form. Nor do I condone a white man killing them. Then again, they are forcing children to kill their parents, so fuck them).

And of course, the evil Muslims killing the innocent Christians have RPGs and machine guns and the ones protecting themselves don't even know they should clean their weapons (until a white man tells them to, that is). And the (black) nurse helping a wounded kid needs to be told by the white man: 'Tell her she's gonna be ok!' And so she does. Thank you, white man! I was going to tell her: 'You're about to die now.'

Oh, did I mention that at some point he turns into Rambo, finds weapons and starts kicking ass? Well, he does. He becomes an RPG-launching, sniping sharp shooter running faster than bullets. Because he's a white man, don't you know. But we never see him telling the kids: 'Well, I'm giving you all this shit. You're welcome. Now all you gotta do is accept Jesus Christ as your savior and speak English. And also, probably, at some point some priests might come and touch you in your private place. You're welcome.'

As you might have guessed by now, I didn't really like this film. The only interesting thing is that he becomes so obsessed with helping the African orphans that he forgets to give a shit about his family and friends. That would have been a better film: him being so blinded by the need to 'do good' that he becomes an asshole. Also, it's only towards the end, when his friend dies, that he finally asks where God is, that he's through with Him. Okay... Your friend dying must be a horrible thing and I understand that your faith would be shaken. But I'd think you could have asked yourself this question when you saw a boy trigger a land mine. Or see a pile of burned children.

And then, as mentioned before, he goes full Rambo. I kept expecting him to shoot some military asshole in the face before ripping his clothes off and screaming: 'THIS IS... PENNSYLVANIAAAA!'

In concluding, respect to Childers for actually doing something and giving a shit and shooting what I like to call the Kony Kunts (it's got a good ring to it, no?). Helping because you care about other humans is great. Helping because you think God wants you to is weird, but okay, fine. As long as you don't indoctrinate the people you're helping, then good for you, good for them. There should be more people like that.

Hey, white Christians: you really wanna help Africa? I'd say either a)Leave it the fuck alone or b)Encourage the use of condoms.

Oh, but no, rubber on your dick's a sin! Plus if people suffer less, then you'd have no reason to go there and pretend to care.

Iron Sky

IMDb Link

The only reason I watched this film is because of the soundtrack and I admit that when, as the opening credits were rolling, I saw: 'Music Laibach' I got kinda tingly. But I did expect, right at the beginning, some kind of gut-punching anthem such as 'Tanz mit Laibach' or 'Achtung.' Alas, it's more of a subdued, classical-sounding NSK sampler we get here. Although, for one, albeit all too brief, second we do hear 'Tanz Mit Laibach,' to my greatest joy. And sorrow. Because, really: one second is just not enough.
Then of course you have the whole WWII theme which is dear to my heart. Seriously: Moon Nazis. How cool is that? Honestly, sounds less ridiculous than Abe the Vampire Killer.

And hey: What a surprise! A weird film about weird Germans in a weird world. Starring Udo Kier! At this point, I am guessing that Udo lives like a Roman Emperor, or the Hedonism Bot from 'Futurama,' and between two orgies he claps his hands excitedly and says: 'Oh, yes, yes! Write me a new strange picture where I can be strange.' And so his minions comply.
And voilà. I am not complaining, mind you. I am merely explaining the process behind Kier's projects.
In this film, he's not just a weirdo. He's not just a space nazi. He's the Totenkopf-wielding Fuhrer.

Apart from Nazis, you have Americans and I admit that I loved the whole 'Yes, She Can' slogan for the American (woman) president, and how she looks like Palin. And how American seem way sillier than Nazis.

Indeed, this is a comedy and humor is omnipresent. For example, when they mention Chaplin's 'The Great Dictator,' saying it's a short pro-Nazi film. Or: 'The suspect is a negro [which is not the accurate translation of what they're saying, by the way]. Unarmed, but possibly angry.'

Yes, at the end of the day, it is a silly, silly film that defies all rules of logic. And by that I mean that Nazis in Space is the most believable thing. The acting is sub-par, especially in the beginning, and it feels like a students' project with a big budget, done for shits and giggles. Seriously, it feels like it was written by a very stoned person who read way too much Ian Kershaw and William Shirer. And that's cool. It also sometimes feels like a 'Saturday Night Live' skit (it's about the same length as one, too), with some 'Dr Strangelove' references.
I admit that making fun of North Korea was funny and acknowledging the swastika originated from India was nice. And the savior ship's name made me giggle, too.

Also, as I mentioned earlier, this is a film not so much about Nazis, but about how silly America is, and so I can't hate it all that much because of that.

At least there's a pretty hot Nazi/friendly woman, so it's not a complete waste of time. The fact that in her 'American' outfit she looks like a drummer-girl from Laibach doesn't hurt much either (and when her hair's down she's down-right super hot). And the American Goebbels-like (minus the club foot) dominatrix is not bad either. Okay, she's actually super hot. Probably because of all that leather.

Speaking of Goebbels, it is funny how the film turns the Palin-esque American president into a Hitler-esque
one, thanks to the work of the Goebbels-esque (Rove?) hot woman.

Beware of false prophets!
Yes, I do think this is film's message, by the way: beware of messages and propaganda and brain-washing. And stupidity, obviously.

This being said, the 'African-American' stereotypes are pretty cringe-worthy. I guess that's not so much racist as European, though. Because black dudes are all about being called Washington (although a portrait of George Washington is featured prominently at some point) and playing basketball and carrying guns. Not to propagate this racism, but I have a feeling that the main actor, meaning the black astronaut, didn't really know what Nazis were whenm he signed on for this film. 'Nazis? You mean like Klingons and shit? Okay: cool!'

So... It is pretty much a dud, not a film I'll watch again and a film I probably wouldn't have watched if it hadn't been for Laibach. But it's a camp comedy and I'm guessing that if you're stoned enough it could be kind of funny. Worst case scenario: hot girls in tight leather.

PS: Me thinks that the ginormous Swastika moon-base would have given Adolf and Speer a raging hard-on. Come to think of it, I am sure that even in their putrefied states they're still hard for eternity.