Arsenal

I feel bad writing about this film, because the story is actually super original: Two brothers, one trying to raise a family and hold a steady job while the other one is a thug and a fuck up. The latter will get in trouble and the former will do everything he can to save his older brother.

'He was always there for me! He's done everything he could for me! I owe him everything! He is my brother! Don't you get that?!' Or something like that.

I mean: this has never been seen or heard of before.

(Cue the GOB Bluth voice) Come on!

So, yeah, a pretty non-original story with a crazier-than-ever Nicolas Cage.

I can imagine Mr. Cage sitting on a throne made of troll skulls (yes: the troll throne), sipping on milk freshly poured from the teats of prepubescent ewes, saying: 'Yeah, yeah, sure, okay, yeah. I'll do it, but only if I wear a fake nose and a mustache and the worst wig I've ever had, yeah, okay? All right? I'm Pinocchio dressed as Sonny Bono AND I'm the fifth Beatle, am I getting through to you, 'A'-hole?!'

(That dialogue was less stunted than any dialogue in the film, by the way) Also: I'm guessing the coke he does in the film is real and that's part of his payment. I can dig it.

Then, well, you have the fantastic dialogue, such as the subtle: 'You're my partner, right?' Because: exposition oblige.

Also, just like they do in the film, I'll gloss over the fact that the kids' uncle pulls a Hemingway, but there's no child service to be seen or anything like that.

Anyway, let's talk about JP, our protagonist. He's seen playing baseball and drinking a beer, he's seen home holding his crying baby, with dramatic music playing, and he's wearing his baseball cap indoors, until his wife takes the baby from him. It looks like their couple is going trough a rough patch. But it really isn't. But it looks like it is.

All we need is her baking an apple pie and dropping it to the ground and see the dish shatter in slo-mo. Trouble in Muhrica!

But, no. No trouble.

Except for later on, when she says they could just run, but he ain't having none of that, 'cause this is their home. Values! Muhrica! Let's have a hot-dog! He's so full of values, you'd almost expect him to be framed by two American flags.

Oh, fuck.

On a side note, may I (yes, you may, this is your blog say what you want. Thank you. You're welcome) talk about the beatings? One guy gets pummeled by a bat and hardly squeaks and sure as fuck looks

as if nothing is broken. But a bit earlier, we see a guy get punched and the sound effects make it sound like, after one punch to the head, half the bones in his entire body are turned into pulp. Okay.

Oh, let's talk about the directing, shall we? (We shall. Thank you. You're welcome) Showing us a shot that you 'homaged' from 'The Big Lebowski,' okay, sure, cool. Showing us that same shot 20 times in 3 minutes? 'Uhm, computer says no. <cough>'

As for the completely unnecessary steady cam shots, just because you saw it in 'Goodfellas'? Well. This ain't 'Goodfellas.'

And, okay, sure: slow motion can be cool. But when it's ultra slow motion, coming out of the fucking blue, it makes your characters look like sloths from 'Zootopia' that got rabies, or who are trying to be superheroes. Or both, sure.

It's dumb is what I'm saying. But hey, gotta pad the running time any way you can, and that's cool.

Speaking of superheroes, sorry for repeating myself here, but seriously: one punch from Nic Cage and your bones turn to mush. Just ask Buddy. Or anybody else who apparently has five gallons of hemoglobin in the mouth, ready to spew it out when punched in the face.

By the way, instead of Cage, I kept seeing Ken Jeong's character from 'Community,' doing a Nicolas Cage impersonation.

But hey, something positive: at least John Cusack's clothes are totally new for him. He's wearing black! All the time! What a surprise!

And he looks as bored as his bandana is stupid.

So he's very, very bored.

Don't get me wrong, I love Mr. Cusack but lately, I gotta say: meh. Plus why is he sucking on a toothpick all the time? To look edgy, like he just quit smoking? Because only the bad guys and the junkies are smoking in this film, so it shows us that he used to be bad, but he's trying to be better, but he's not quite there yet, so he needs to make oral love to a tiny piece of wood? Am I over-reading this? Or have I cracked the code?

Was Cusack sitting on a throne made of black velvet while sipping Jäegermeister in a gun-metal goblet and he looked over his sunglasses to say: 'Yeah, okay. I'll be in your film. But gimme some toothpicks to suck on. 'Cause I'm edgy. Wanna listen to some Linkin Park?'

And we're back to JP, the friendly brother, the good father, the kind worker, who all of a sudden can kick ass and restrain people. I'm guessing that's because he's got a baseball hat on? That's the source of his values' power? (Muhrica!)

Let's not dwell on the fact that the scene where he gets all righteous with the junkie is completely pointless and does not help the plot whatsoever. I honestly don't know what the point of it was. To have one second of suspense when we cut to 'someone' opening the window while they're searching the house? Was the junkie played by the producer's son? Did I have a mini-stroke and blackout? All of the above?

And what kind of man is JP? His partner turns up into a neck-brace and tells him he did it to himself to raise the money JP needs and JP just kinda goes: 'Oh.' Not a 'thank you' or 'I'm sorry.' Fucking twat.

And so, yeah, he starts to kick ass and so this suddenly becomes a cop-buddy type of thing? They're partners? They're investigating? There's an obligatory chase à la 'Blue Bloods' (there's a chase in every episode), and Cusack even says: 'WE're cops.' Why does Cusack give a shit? Who the fuck is he? Why is he helping? It's almost like he wants to find the guy because maybe he's got other plans.

Oh, don't tell me Cusack is gonna end up being the bad guy.

Haha, nope, he's just gonna stay the same random surly dude in black. God forbid anything exciting happens (okay, I am being an unfair little bitch here, 'cause had he been a traitor, I would have been screaming 'how fucking predictable is this?!' There's just no pleasing me). In any case, him being in this film makes me think he lost a bet or something.

All being said and done, who doesn't enjoy watching Cage chewing up the scenery as if his life depended on it? Who doesn't love Cage over-acting like a total maniac?

I sure do.

Well, this film sure as fuck delivers. To a point where the other actors actually look like they're thinking: 'What the fuck is going on?'

In this respect, Cage should so totally play Willy Wonka. I'd say he was made for the role. But I digress.

So, yeah, it starts as a cliché, then it becomes another cliché and, to its credit, it ends as a cliché. 'Cliché: The Film!' was probably already taken. Watch it if you're super drunk or if you're as high as Nicolas Cage is in this film. Or in real life.

Or do yourself a favor: pour yourself a glass of wine, put on some soothing music and think of a world where this film does not exist.

Patriots Day

Call me an innocent little pearly rose petal, you wouldn't be the first one, but I actually expected this movie to be OK. To be fair, I started watching it not knowing what it was gonna be about. Then I noticed Wahlberg's Boston accent and all the dates on screen and I thought: 'Hmm, I hope this isn't gonna be about the marathon bombing.'

Well, it is.

And subtle as fuck it is, too. To quote a friend of mine: 'What did you expect? The movie is called

“Patriots' Day,” not: “Bombing Is Everywhere and There's Nothing Special About America.”' (I did warn her I'd be stealing this quote).

The problem with writing about a film like this is that I might be called anti-American or be accused of supporting terrorists, just because it's about tragic real events.

I get it that this has to be red, white and blue, apple pie, Jameson, Boston, baseball, etc etc. But do the

writing and directing have to be so bad? Example: One guy is gonna lose his leg because of the bombing. Prior to that, EVERY TIME you see him, the camera focuses on his leg. At this point, it's not foreshadowing, it's just... well, it's just lazy directing.

This being said, the main cop has a leg injury. And we see disabled people with Pistorius legs. And just

a lot of other legs. I mean, I understand having a leg fetish, because, well, just because. But this is

just absurd.

I won't even talk about all the dramatic close-ups and hand-held shots spinning around a character. Well, I guess I've just talked about it, so there.

As for the writing, the two bombers are seen preparing for their attack and because we need to know they are brothers, the screenplay has a wonderful line. One brother says to the other: 'We are brothers, yes?' I am paraphrasing. And to be fair, since they're kinda ethnic, they might mean they're bros. But if you were born anytime before 2013, you already know they're brothers from the same mother anyway.

Then there's Marky Mark, people make fun of him at first, then end up respecting him, because character arc? I guess? Then there are the feds taking over and the cops resenting it. Yes, it's a real story, but it's full of clichés. Is it as bad as 'Lone Survivor'? Nope. But I think I'll skip the next Berg/Wahlberg film based on actual events all the same, because all that patriotism makes me gag.

Getting back to the shoddy writing: One of the brothers is so evil that when he sees there's a baby, he still puts his bomb down, not giving a shit about the baby.

A baby!

A chubby, white, American, Christian, innocent baby!

And a bit later we get a scene where he doesn't give a shit about what kind of milk his own baby likes! Oh, my God! You don't fuck with milk in the US of A, buddy.

On a side note, his wife is wearing a hijab, at home (as far as I know, women cover themselves when going out in public, not when they're at home), because the men look so much more evil if you see the woman forced to cover herself, or because audiences are so fucking stupid they really needed to be told that these people are not Christians. Because hating babies and killing Americans wasn't enough for us to know they were evil.

I think there was a scene in the first draft of the screenplay where one of the brothers was seen raping a puppy while his sibling was watching while skinning a kitten. But the CGI tests didn't pan out, so they scratched that scene. Apparently.

Yes, it was a horrendous day, it was a vile act. Innocent people died and got injured and that's always a tragedy.

This being said, how about a film about some village in Iraq or Afghanistan or Yemen or wherever. You see their day-to-day life, fetching water from the well, taking care of the cattle, playing in the fields, just being happy people. Then they get hit by a drone. All the children (and babies) die. Most adults are torn to shreds. A few people survive, not understanding what happened or why it happened. That's a tragedy, too. But they're not white folks, they don't eat burgers and apple pies. They fucking eat sheep and don't drink booze, so come on: deep down, you don't really think they deserve to live anyway. In a way, we're doing them a favor, 'cause who'd want to live this way, am I right?

The same above-mentioned friend mentioned (I know that's a repetition, see how much I give a fuck) 'Eye in the Sky,' which is a terrific film and hits some of the issues I mentioned (that's three times in one sentence, in case you were counting. Just thought I should mention it), but it's still seen from the eyes of Westerners. But, again: a really good film that's worth seeing.

So... Americans see films like this one and think: 'Those camel jockeys/Unbelievers need to die!' and folks in villages way out there die and their relatives think: 'Those Westerners/Infidels need to die!' And on and on it goes, oh what fun it all is.

Anyway...

Was it all bad? No, of course not. First, acting-wise, well: I am a fan of John Goodman (even with dyed eyebrows), Evan Rachel Woods, and JK Simmons. I like Mark Wahlberg and Kevin Bacon most of the time. The casting is good is what I'm saying.

The scene where Wahlberg gets all 'Mentalist,' thinking about the cameras, is pretty compelling. But when we see White Hat with another non-American looking dude, one cop says: 'Looks like they know each other.' Based on nothing at all, except for an image of them being not too far from each other. So our hero glares at the screen and mutters: 'Motherfucker, fucking piece of shit.' Because America, fuck yeah.

The shootout is also well done, but you tend to forget that it actually happened to real people. Just like 'Lone Survivor,' the film where when you see an American getting shot, it's in slow motion and you see them in agony and all his friends screaming 'Nooooooooo.' But then hundreds of random darkies get riddled with bullets and we're supposed to cheer. Subtle.

Speaking of subtlety, well the story could have been told in a more subtle way. But no. It has to be American values vs Islam. That's the kinda over-simplification that makes people vote for Trump. And then Hollywood gets all huffy and puffy about it. The same Hollywood that makes films like this. Dudes: do your part and then maybe, just maybe, you can complain about the state of the States.

Suits

This is the first TV show featured here. Don't you feel special, you kooky 'Suits,' you?!

First, I want to say that I actually used to love this show. It was well written, well acted, and was enjoyable to watch, because Louis was delightfully execrable, the suits were great to look at and there was actually some lawyering going on. Sure, it had a big flaw at the beginning: the silly gimmick of Mike being able to remember everything, but they dropped it fairly quickly.

But in this season, a 'Suits' episode is composed of badly-written scenes that are one of these:

- Guy enters room, cocky as shit, announces an Earth-shattering news and smiles even more cockily. Other person in the room over-cocks him by announcing a big secret plan. Cue dramatic music and close-up of the first guy, looking stunned while the second guy walks out of the room.

- Fabulous woman with fabulous hair sashays into a room, cheers up or puts down some low-life. Cue dramatic music as the fabulous woman walks out of the room. Close-up of her smiling face.

- Man enters the room and tells other person some great news. They're happy for thirty seconds until one of them mentions something the other guy doesn't like. Cue the dramatic music and the fast talking. One of the characters walks out of the room while the other one looks on, looking stunned/pensive/angry.

My point is: every scene. EVERY FUCKING SCENE hits one of those, or, okay, to be fair, a combination of those (but not so much); Two characters talk for a bit, then you can hear some big dramatic music and the characters feel the opposite of what they did at the beginning of the scene.
I know you need conflict, but dude: come on. Give me a fucking break.
Then, in the next scene, oh what a wonderful surprise: two other characters talk again. Then music again. Then move on to the next scene.
Rinse and repeat, ad nauseam, almost literally.

At this point, it's not even 'paint by numbers,' it's 'I'll write this shit five minutes before we shoot the scene and make sure you send me a check promptly.'
That's a shame, the first two, even three, seasons of this show were really good and funny and fun. For the last couple of seasons, I knew something was not right anymore, but I kept hoping that things would turn out okay. My denial phase has come to an end and I have to admit that 'Suits' is now a caricature of itself. Louis is reduced to a mere sniveling turd who just wants Harvey's love and respect. One moment he gets it, the next he doesn't. Then gets it again, just to lose it a few minutes later.

This show hasn't merely jumped the shark (the fucking Donna gizmo thingy?! What the actual fuck?),
it has levitated over 'Sharknado,' all the way into space, to jump over the Pisces constellation. It's way out there, way past the 'Why The Fuck Am I Still Watching This Shit' Constellation. Shame, really.

The best move Gina Torres made was to leave the show. Unfortunately, it also means that we don't get to see her anymore. Another reason why this season is pitiful at worst, risible at best.