Arsenal

I feel bad writing about this film, because the story is actually super original: Two brothers, one trying to raise a family and hold a steady job while the other one is a thug and a fuck up. The latter will get in trouble and the former will do everything he can to save his older brother.

'He was always there for me! He's done everything he could for me! I owe him everything! He is my brother! Don't you get that?!' Or something like that.

I mean: this has never been seen or heard of before.

(Cue the GOB Bluth voice) Come on!

So, yeah, a pretty non-original story with a crazier-than-ever Nicolas Cage.

I can imagine Mr. Cage sitting on a throne made of troll skulls (yes: the troll throne), sipping on milk freshly poured from the teats of prepubescent ewes, saying: 'Yeah, yeah, sure, okay, yeah. I'll do it, but only if I wear a fake nose and a mustache and the worst wig I've ever had, yeah, okay? All right? I'm Pinocchio dressed as Sonny Bono AND I'm the fifth Beatle, am I getting through to you, 'A'-hole?!'

(That dialogue was less stunted than any dialogue in the film, by the way) Also: I'm guessing the coke he does in the film is real and that's part of his payment. I can dig it.

Then, well, you have the fantastic dialogue, such as the subtle: 'You're my partner, right?' Because: exposition oblige.

Also, just like they do in the film, I'll gloss over the fact that the kids' uncle pulls a Hemingway, but there's no child service to be seen or anything like that.

Anyway, let's talk about JP, our protagonist. He's seen playing baseball and drinking a beer, he's seen home holding his crying baby, with dramatic music playing, and he's wearing his baseball cap indoors, until his wife takes the baby from him. It looks like their couple is going trough a rough patch. But it really isn't. But it looks like it is.

All we need is her baking an apple pie and dropping it to the ground and see the dish shatter in slo-mo. Trouble in Muhrica!

But, no. No trouble.

Except for later on, when she says they could just run, but he ain't having none of that, 'cause this is their home. Values! Muhrica! Let's have a hot-dog! He's so full of values, you'd almost expect him to be framed by two American flags.

Oh, fuck.

On a side note, may I (yes, you may, this is your blog say what you want. Thank you. You're welcome) talk about the beatings? One guy gets pummeled by a bat and hardly squeaks and sure as fuck looks

as if nothing is broken. But a bit earlier, we see a guy get punched and the sound effects make it sound like, after one punch to the head, half the bones in his entire body are turned into pulp. Okay.

Oh, let's talk about the directing, shall we? (We shall. Thank you. You're welcome) Showing us a shot that you 'homaged' from 'The Big Lebowski,' okay, sure, cool. Showing us that same shot 20 times in 3 minutes? 'Uhm, computer says no. <cough>'

As for the completely unnecessary steady cam shots, just because you saw it in 'Goodfellas'? Well. This ain't 'Goodfellas.'

And, okay, sure: slow motion can be cool. But when it's ultra slow motion, coming out of the fucking blue, it makes your characters look like sloths from 'Zootopia' that got rabies, or who are trying to be superheroes. Or both, sure.

It's dumb is what I'm saying. But hey, gotta pad the running time any way you can, and that's cool.

Speaking of superheroes, sorry for repeating myself here, but seriously: one punch from Nic Cage and your bones turn to mush. Just ask Buddy. Or anybody else who apparently has five gallons of hemoglobin in the mouth, ready to spew it out when punched in the face.

By the way, instead of Cage, I kept seeing Ken Jeong's character from 'Community,' doing a Nicolas Cage impersonation.

But hey, something positive: at least John Cusack's clothes are totally new for him. He's wearing black! All the time! What a surprise!

And he looks as bored as his bandana is stupid.

So he's very, very bored.

Don't get me wrong, I love Mr. Cusack but lately, I gotta say: meh. Plus why is he sucking on a toothpick all the time? To look edgy, like he just quit smoking? Because only the bad guys and the junkies are smoking in this film, so it shows us that he used to be bad, but he's trying to be better, but he's not quite there yet, so he needs to make oral love to a tiny piece of wood? Am I over-reading this? Or have I cracked the code?

Was Cusack sitting on a throne made of black velvet while sipping Jäegermeister in a gun-metal goblet and he looked over his sunglasses to say: 'Yeah, okay. I'll be in your film. But gimme some toothpicks to suck on. 'Cause I'm edgy. Wanna listen to some Linkin Park?'

And we're back to JP, the friendly brother, the good father, the kind worker, who all of a sudden can kick ass and restrain people. I'm guessing that's because he's got a baseball hat on? That's the source of his values' power? (Muhrica!)

Let's not dwell on the fact that the scene where he gets all righteous with the junkie is completely pointless and does not help the plot whatsoever. I honestly don't know what the point of it was. To have one second of suspense when we cut to 'someone' opening the window while they're searching the house? Was the junkie played by the producer's son? Did I have a mini-stroke and blackout? All of the above?

And what kind of man is JP? His partner turns up into a neck-brace and tells him he did it to himself to raise the money JP needs and JP just kinda goes: 'Oh.' Not a 'thank you' or 'I'm sorry.' Fucking twat.

And so, yeah, he starts to kick ass and so this suddenly becomes a cop-buddy type of thing? They're partners? They're investigating? There's an obligatory chase à la 'Blue Bloods' (there's a chase in every episode), and Cusack even says: 'WE're cops.' Why does Cusack give a shit? Who the fuck is he? Why is he helping? It's almost like he wants to find the guy because maybe he's got other plans.

Oh, don't tell me Cusack is gonna end up being the bad guy.

Haha, nope, he's just gonna stay the same random surly dude in black. God forbid anything exciting happens (okay, I am being an unfair little bitch here, 'cause had he been a traitor, I would have been screaming 'how fucking predictable is this?!' There's just no pleasing me). In any case, him being in this film makes me think he lost a bet or something.

All being said and done, who doesn't enjoy watching Cage chewing up the scenery as if his life depended on it? Who doesn't love Cage over-acting like a total maniac?

I sure do.

Well, this film sure as fuck delivers. To a point where the other actors actually look like they're thinking: 'What the fuck is going on?'

In this respect, Cage should so totally play Willy Wonka. I'd say he was made for the role. But I digress.

So, yeah, it starts as a cliché, then it becomes another cliché and, to its credit, it ends as a cliché. 'Cliché: The Film!' was probably already taken. Watch it if you're super drunk or if you're as high as Nicolas Cage is in this film. Or in real life.

Or do yourself a favor: pour yourself a glass of wine, put on some soothing music and think of a world where this film does not exist.