Damaged

Massive spoilers ahead! (You're welcome.)

I have decided to come out of my self-imposed retirement because, seriously: What the fuck was that?!

It all starts as originally as you would expect: a cop, haunted by a past case, with a drinking problem to boot, is assigned to a foreign country.

At first, I thought it was an SNL parody, because all the clichés are there, the dialogue is horrendous (more on that later), the acting is more stilted than flamingos performing a circus act, and all in all, it feels like watching a train wreck. Without the satisfying crash.

I kid you not: This is so bad, it feels like Tommy Wiseau tried to write and direct a 'thriller.' The cast is quite good, though. I mean: Jackson, Cassel, Hannah! My guess is they all decided to meet up in Scotland for some drinks and and a few rounds of golf and found a way to get paid to do it? Or perhaps they have outstanding debts to some Wiseau-type mobster?

Is this the face of a happy actor?

I want to say they try their best to make the horrible dialogue work, but they really don't. You can almost see them wince as they speak their terrible lines. In the end, they barely try to act, they just go through the motion. If someone told me this was another hypnotized-crew à la Herzog, I'd believe it and it would explain so much.

Mr. Jackson's face while listening to the bullshit directing, presumably.

There are so many examples of this bad acting/directing/writing, but let me give the one where the main Scottish cop finds his wife hacked to pieces and he reacts as if he had just seen a squished bug on his kitchen floor: kinda grossed out, but not that much. 'Shit, now I need to go get the mop.' That actor is so bad, I figured he was the writer/director.

But, no.

He's a working actor, who most probably has a nicer house and car than you or I.

The actual reaction given upon seeing the love of his life hacked into pieces.

As for Hannah, he is truly wasted here and I half-expected his character to introduce himself as: 'Hello, my name is Herring. Red Herring.'

Because yes, as I believe I have mentioned before: the writing is atrocious. My neighbors' annoying yapping twat of a dog could write better. AI could write better. In fact, at some point I felt that I was the subject of some Ultra MK/AI experiment, being watched to see how I reacted to the first movie acted by AI and written by the finally-successful monkey and his (or her, or their, fuck it: we're talking about a monkey here!) typewriter. And when I say 'successful,' I mean success as in: 'Finally able to produce something vaguely coherent,' not as in: 'Success! Glory! Fame! Fortune! Awards! Martinis for everyone!'

Of course there is a 'twist' that you see coming from miles away. Then some more wonderful lines: 'Justice is served. And it's deeeeelicious.' I wish I were kidding.

'Tonight we mourn, tomorrow we hunt.'

Another actual quote from the film. But no: tonight I will drink until my brain forgets what I have just seen. Tomorrow, hopefully, I will move on, knowing I am not the worst screenwriter there is. But then I will weep, knowing that shitty screenplays get produced. Fuck. Okay, let's mourn.

Also, wait... what? Are you setting this up for a part 2? If there is a part 2, surely it is a sign of the Apocalypse. Isn't it in the Bible? 'And on the thirteenth day, Damaged The Second shall come out and lo' and behold, the times shall end.'

All I can say is: I am now damaged, motherfucker!