Damaged

Massive spoilers ahead! (You're welcome.)

I have decided to come out of my self-imposed retirement because, seriously: What the fuck was that?!

It all starts as originally as you would expect: a cop, haunted by a past case, with a drinking problem to boot, is assigned to a foreign country.

At first, I thought it was an SNL parody, because all the clichés are there, the dialogue is horrendous (more on that later), the acting is more stilted than flamingos performing a circus act, and all in all, it feels like watching a train wreck. Without the satisfying crash.

I kid you not: This is so bad, it feels like Tommy Wiseau tried to write and direct a 'thriller.' The cast is quite good, though. I mean: Jackson, Cassel, Hannah! My guess is they all decided to meet up in Scotland for some drinks and and a few rounds of golf and found a way to get paid to do it? Or perhaps they have outstanding debts to some Wiseau-type mobster?

Is this the face of a happy actor?

I want to say they try their best to make the horrible dialogue work, but they really don't. You can almost see them wince as they speak their terrible lines. In the end, they barely try to act, they just go through the motion. If someone told me this was another hypnotized-crew à la Herzog, I'd believe it and it would explain so much.

Mr. Jackson's face while listening to the bullshit directing, presumably.

There are so many examples of this bad acting/directing/writing, but let me give the one where the main Scottish cop finds his wife hacked to pieces and he reacts as if he had just seen a squished bug on his kitchen floor: kinda grossed out, but not that much. 'Shit, now I need to go get the mop.' That actor is so bad, I figured he was the writer/director.

But, no.

He's a working actor, who most probably has a nicer house and car than you or I.

The actual reaction given upon seeing the love of his life hacked into pieces.

As for Hannah, he is truly wasted here and I half-expected his character to introduce himself as: 'Hello, my name is Herring. Red Herring.'

Because yes, as I believe I have mentioned before: the writing is atrocious. My neighbors' annoying yapping twat of a dog could write better. AI could write better. In fact, at some point I felt that I was the subject of some Ultra MK/AI experiment, being watched to see how I reacted to the first movie acted by AI and written by the finally-successful monkey and his (or her, or their, fuck it: we're talking about a monkey here!) typewriter. And when I say 'successful,' I mean success as in: 'Finally able to produce something vaguely coherent,' not as in: 'Success! Glory! Fame! Fortune! Awards! Martinis for everyone!'

Of course there is a 'twist' that you see coming from miles away. Then some more wonderful lines: 'Justice is served. And it's deeeeelicious.' I wish I were kidding.

'Tonight we mourn, tomorrow we hunt.'

Another actual quote from the film. But no: tonight I will drink until my brain forgets what I have just seen. Tomorrow, hopefully, I will move on, knowing I am not the worst screenwriter there is. But then I will weep, knowing that shitty screenplays get produced. Fuck. Okay, let's mourn.

Also, wait... what? Are you setting this up for a part 2? If there is a part 2, surely it is a sign of the Apocalypse. Isn't it in the Bible? 'And on the thirteenth day, Damaged The Second shall come out and lo' and behold, the times shall end.'

All I can say is: I am now damaged, motherfucker!

Arsenal

I feel bad writing about this film, because the story is actually super original: Two brothers, one trying to raise a family and hold a steady job while the other one is a thug and a fuck up. The latter will get in trouble and the former will do everything he can to save his older brother.

'He was always there for me! He's done everything he could for me! I owe him everything! He is my brother! Don't you get that?!' Or something like that.

I mean: this has never been seen or heard of before.

(Cue the GOB Bluth voice) Come on!

So, yeah, a pretty non-original story with a crazier-than-ever Nicolas Cage.

I can imagine Mr. Cage sitting on a throne made of troll skulls (yes: the troll throne), sipping on milk freshly poured from the teats of prepubescent ewes, saying: 'Yeah, yeah, sure, okay, yeah. I'll do it, but only if I wear a fake nose and a mustache and the worst wig I've ever had, yeah, okay? All right? I'm Pinocchio dressed as Sonny Bono AND I'm the fifth Beatle, am I getting through to you, 'A'-hole?!'

(That dialogue was less stunted than any dialogue in the film, by the way) Also: I'm guessing the coke he does in the film is real and that's part of his payment. I can dig it.

Then, well, you have the fantastic dialogue, such as the subtle: 'You're my partner, right?' Because: exposition oblige.

Also, just like they do in the film, I'll gloss over the fact that the kids' uncle pulls a Hemingway, but there's no child service to be seen or anything like that.

Anyway, let's talk about JP, our protagonist. He's seen playing baseball and drinking a beer, he's seen home holding his crying baby, with dramatic music playing, and he's wearing his baseball cap indoors, until his wife takes the baby from him. It looks like their couple is going trough a rough patch. But it really isn't. But it looks like it is.

All we need is her baking an apple pie and dropping it to the ground and see the dish shatter in slo-mo. Trouble in Muhrica!

But, no. No trouble.

Except for later on, when she says they could just run, but he ain't having none of that, 'cause this is their home. Values! Muhrica! Let's have a hot-dog! He's so full of values, you'd almost expect him to be framed by two American flags.

Oh, fuck.

On a side note, may I (yes, you may, this is your blog say what you want. Thank you. You're welcome) talk about the beatings? One guy gets pummeled by a bat and hardly squeaks and sure as fuck looks

as if nothing is broken. But a bit earlier, we see a guy get punched and the sound effects make it sound like, after one punch to the head, half the bones in his entire body are turned into pulp. Okay.

Oh, let's talk about the directing, shall we? (We shall. Thank you. You're welcome) Showing us a shot that you 'homaged' from 'The Big Lebowski,' okay, sure, cool. Showing us that same shot 20 times in 3 minutes? 'Uhm, computer says no. <cough>'

As for the completely unnecessary steady cam shots, just because you saw it in 'Goodfellas'? Well. This ain't 'Goodfellas.'

And, okay, sure: slow motion can be cool. But when it's ultra slow motion, coming out of the fucking blue, it makes your characters look like sloths from 'Zootopia' that got rabies, or who are trying to be superheroes. Or both, sure.

It's dumb is what I'm saying. But hey, gotta pad the running time any way you can, and that's cool.

Speaking of superheroes, sorry for repeating myself here, but seriously: one punch from Nic Cage and your bones turn to mush. Just ask Buddy. Or anybody else who apparently has five gallons of hemoglobin in the mouth, ready to spew it out when punched in the face.

By the way, instead of Cage, I kept seeing Ken Jeong's character from 'Community,' doing a Nicolas Cage impersonation.

But hey, something positive: at least John Cusack's clothes are totally new for him. He's wearing black! All the time! What a surprise!

And he looks as bored as his bandana is stupid.

So he's very, very bored.

Don't get me wrong, I love Mr. Cusack but lately, I gotta say: meh. Plus why is he sucking on a toothpick all the time? To look edgy, like he just quit smoking? Because only the bad guys and the junkies are smoking in this film, so it shows us that he used to be bad, but he's trying to be better, but he's not quite there yet, so he needs to make oral love to a tiny piece of wood? Am I over-reading this? Or have I cracked the code?

Was Cusack sitting on a throne made of black velvet while sipping Jäegermeister in a gun-metal goblet and he looked over his sunglasses to say: 'Yeah, okay. I'll be in your film. But gimme some toothpicks to suck on. 'Cause I'm edgy. Wanna listen to some Linkin Park?'

And we're back to JP, the friendly brother, the good father, the kind worker, who all of a sudden can kick ass and restrain people. I'm guessing that's because he's got a baseball hat on? That's the source of his values' power? (Muhrica!)

Let's not dwell on the fact that the scene where he gets all righteous with the junkie is completely pointless and does not help the plot whatsoever. I honestly don't know what the point of it was. To have one second of suspense when we cut to 'someone' opening the window while they're searching the house? Was the junkie played by the producer's son? Did I have a mini-stroke and blackout? All of the above?

And what kind of man is JP? His partner turns up into a neck-brace and tells him he did it to himself to raise the money JP needs and JP just kinda goes: 'Oh.' Not a 'thank you' or 'I'm sorry.' Fucking twat.

And so, yeah, he starts to kick ass and so this suddenly becomes a cop-buddy type of thing? They're partners? They're investigating? There's an obligatory chase à la 'Blue Bloods' (there's a chase in every episode), and Cusack even says: 'WE're cops.' Why does Cusack give a shit? Who the fuck is he? Why is he helping? It's almost like he wants to find the guy because maybe he's got other plans.

Oh, don't tell me Cusack is gonna end up being the bad guy.

Haha, nope, he's just gonna stay the same random surly dude in black. God forbid anything exciting happens (okay, I am being an unfair little bitch here, 'cause had he been a traitor, I would have been screaming 'how fucking predictable is this?!' There's just no pleasing me). In any case, him being in this film makes me think he lost a bet or something.

All being said and done, who doesn't enjoy watching Cage chewing up the scenery as if his life depended on it? Who doesn't love Cage over-acting like a total maniac?

I sure do.

Well, this film sure as fuck delivers. To a point where the other actors actually look like they're thinking: 'What the fuck is going on?'

In this respect, Cage should so totally play Willy Wonka. I'd say he was made for the role. But I digress.

So, yeah, it starts as a cliché, then it becomes another cliché and, to its credit, it ends as a cliché. 'Cliché: The Film!' was probably already taken. Watch it if you're super drunk or if you're as high as Nicolas Cage is in this film. Or in real life.

Or do yourself a favor: pour yourself a glass of wine, put on some soothing music and think of a world where this film does not exist.

Patriots Day

Call me an innocent little pearly rose petal, you wouldn't be the first one, but I actually expected this movie to be OK. To be fair, I started watching it not knowing what it was gonna be about. Then I noticed Wahlberg's Boston accent and all the dates on screen and I thought: 'Hmm, I hope this isn't gonna be about the marathon bombing.'

Well, it is.

And subtle as fuck it is, too. To quote a friend of mine: 'What did you expect? The movie is called

“Patriots' Day,” not: “Bombing Is Everywhere and There's Nothing Special About America.”' (I did warn her I'd be stealing this quote).

The problem with writing about a film like this is that I might be called anti-American or be accused of supporting terrorists, just because it's about tragic real events.

I get it that this has to be red, white and blue, apple pie, Jameson, Boston, baseball, etc etc. But do the

writing and directing have to be so bad? Example: One guy is gonna lose his leg because of the bombing. Prior to that, EVERY TIME you see him, the camera focuses on his leg. At this point, it's not foreshadowing, it's just... well, it's just lazy directing.

This being said, the main cop has a leg injury. And we see disabled people with Pistorius legs. And just

a lot of other legs. I mean, I understand having a leg fetish, because, well, just because. But this is

just absurd.

I won't even talk about all the dramatic close-ups and hand-held shots spinning around a character. Well, I guess I've just talked about it, so there.

As for the writing, the two bombers are seen preparing for their attack and because we need to know they are brothers, the screenplay has a wonderful line. One brother says to the other: 'We are brothers, yes?' I am paraphrasing. And to be fair, since they're kinda ethnic, they might mean they're bros. But if you were born anytime before 2013, you already know they're brothers from the same mother anyway.

Then there's Marky Mark, people make fun of him at first, then end up respecting him, because character arc? I guess? Then there are the feds taking over and the cops resenting it. Yes, it's a real story, but it's full of clichés. Is it as bad as 'Lone Survivor'? Nope. But I think I'll skip the next Berg/Wahlberg film based on actual events all the same, because all that patriotism makes me gag.

Getting back to the shoddy writing: One of the brothers is so evil that when he sees there's a baby, he still puts his bomb down, not giving a shit about the baby.

A baby!

A chubby, white, American, Christian, innocent baby!

And a bit later we get a scene where he doesn't give a shit about what kind of milk his own baby likes! Oh, my God! You don't fuck with milk in the US of A, buddy.

On a side note, his wife is wearing a hijab, at home (as far as I know, women cover themselves when going out in public, not when they're at home), because the men look so much more evil if you see the woman forced to cover herself, or because audiences are so fucking stupid they really needed to be told that these people are not Christians. Because hating babies and killing Americans wasn't enough for us to know they were evil.

I think there was a scene in the first draft of the screenplay where one of the brothers was seen raping a puppy while his sibling was watching while skinning a kitten. But the CGI tests didn't pan out, so they scratched that scene. Apparently.

Yes, it was a horrendous day, it was a vile act. Innocent people died and got injured and that's always a tragedy.

This being said, how about a film about some village in Iraq or Afghanistan or Yemen or wherever. You see their day-to-day life, fetching water from the well, taking care of the cattle, playing in the fields, just being happy people. Then they get hit by a drone. All the children (and babies) die. Most adults are torn to shreds. A few people survive, not understanding what happened or why it happened. That's a tragedy, too. But they're not white folks, they don't eat burgers and apple pies. They fucking eat sheep and don't drink booze, so come on: deep down, you don't really think they deserve to live anyway. In a way, we're doing them a favor, 'cause who'd want to live this way, am I right?

The same above-mentioned friend mentioned (I know that's a repetition, see how much I give a fuck) 'Eye in the Sky,' which is a terrific film and hits some of the issues I mentioned (that's three times in one sentence, in case you were counting. Just thought I should mention it), but it's still seen from the eyes of Westerners. But, again: a really good film that's worth seeing.

So... Americans see films like this one and think: 'Those camel jockeys/Unbelievers need to die!' and folks in villages way out there die and their relatives think: 'Those Westerners/Infidels need to die!' And on and on it goes, oh what fun it all is.

Anyway...

Was it all bad? No, of course not. First, acting-wise, well: I am a fan of John Goodman (even with dyed eyebrows), Evan Rachel Woods, and JK Simmons. I like Mark Wahlberg and Kevin Bacon most of the time. The casting is good is what I'm saying.

The scene where Wahlberg gets all 'Mentalist,' thinking about the cameras, is pretty compelling. But when we see White Hat with another non-American looking dude, one cop says: 'Looks like they know each other.' Based on nothing at all, except for an image of them being not too far from each other. So our hero glares at the screen and mutters: 'Motherfucker, fucking piece of shit.' Because America, fuck yeah.

The shootout is also well done, but you tend to forget that it actually happened to real people. Just like 'Lone Survivor,' the film where when you see an American getting shot, it's in slow motion and you see them in agony and all his friends screaming 'Nooooooooo.' But then hundreds of random darkies get riddled with bullets and we're supposed to cheer. Subtle.

Speaking of subtlety, well the story could have been told in a more subtle way. But no. It has to be American values vs Islam. That's the kinda over-simplification that makes people vote for Trump. And then Hollywood gets all huffy and puffy about it. The same Hollywood that makes films like this. Dudes: do your part and then maybe, just maybe, you can complain about the state of the States.

Suits

This is the first TV show featured here. Don't you feel special, you kooky 'Suits,' you?!

First, I want to say that I actually used to love this show. It was well written, well acted, and was enjoyable to watch, because Louis was delightfully execrable, the suits were great to look at and there was actually some lawyering going on. Sure, it had a big flaw at the beginning: the silly gimmick of Mike being able to remember everything, but they dropped it fairly quickly.

But in this season, a 'Suits' episode is composed of badly-written scenes that are one of these:

- Guy enters room, cocky as shit, announces an Earth-shattering news and smiles even more cockily. Other person in the room over-cocks him by announcing a big secret plan. Cue dramatic music and close-up of the first guy, looking stunned while the second guy walks out of the room.

- Fabulous woman with fabulous hair sashays into a room, cheers up or puts down some low-life. Cue dramatic music as the fabulous woman walks out of the room. Close-up of her smiling face.

- Man enters the room and tells other person some great news. They're happy for thirty seconds until one of them mentions something the other guy doesn't like. Cue the dramatic music and the fast talking. One of the characters walks out of the room while the other one looks on, looking stunned/pensive/angry.

My point is: every scene. EVERY FUCKING SCENE hits one of those, or, okay, to be fair, a combination of those (but not so much); Two characters talk for a bit, then you can hear some big dramatic music and the characters feel the opposite of what they did at the beginning of the scene.
I know you need conflict, but dude: come on. Give me a fucking break.
Then, in the next scene, oh what a wonderful surprise: two other characters talk again. Then music again. Then move on to the next scene.
Rinse and repeat, ad nauseam, almost literally.

At this point, it's not even 'paint by numbers,' it's 'I'll write this shit five minutes before we shoot the scene and make sure you send me a check promptly.'
That's a shame, the first two, even three, seasons of this show were really good and funny and fun. For the last couple of seasons, I knew something was not right anymore, but I kept hoping that things would turn out okay. My denial phase has come to an end and I have to admit that 'Suits' is now a caricature of itself. Louis is reduced to a mere sniveling turd who just wants Harvey's love and respect. One moment he gets it, the next he doesn't. Then gets it again, just to lose it a few minutes later.

This show hasn't merely jumped the shark (the fucking Donna gizmo thingy?! What the actual fuck?),
it has levitated over 'Sharknado,' all the way into space, to jump over the Pisces constellation. It's way out there, way past the 'Why The Fuck Am I Still Watching This Shit' Constellation. Shame, really.

The best move Gina Torres made was to leave the show. Unfortunately, it also means that we don't get to see her anymore. Another reason why this season is pitiful at worst, risible at best.

Hacksaw Ridge

No means no.

So, this is me watching this film:

No.

No.

No. No, no, no.

Noooo!

Aaaah!

I mean, what the fuck? Came out of (my self-imposed) retirement for this. Some people love this film, some people say it's one of the greatest war films ever. Those people, I'm guessing, have not seen 'Apocalypse Now,' 'The Big Red One,' 'The Longest Day,' 'Saving Private Ryan,' 'Platoon,' and that's just off the top of my drunken head.

Okay, so, it's kinda sad but in this day and age, I feel I have to make it clear: I do actually like Mel Gibson. Crucify me if you must (the irony will not be lost on me).

He went a bit crazy, sure, but as the most-normal-film-character ever said: 'We all go a little crazy sometimes.' And we do, but we don't have recordings of our craziness.

Or do we?

Shit. Wait, gotta write a few people to make sure they've deleted those drunken rants I sent them.

Point is: Mel is a very good actor and a great director and I've always liked him.

I was ready to watch an awesome film. I was ready to watch Mel making a film that meant: 'Hey, fuck you all, see what I can do? I'm awesome! Fuck off!'

But, yeah: no.

First, well, I got a problem with films (and people. And governments [hayır]!) that are all about God. The film starts with this, and we see the commandments and we keep hearing about and seeing them and his dad is just so awful and the main dude almost killed his brother, so he learned that killing is just so, so, so wrong.

But then Uncle Sam says: 'Fuck you! Kill!' But he doesn't want to 'cause he's pure. And yes, I know it's a real story, but there's a good way to tell a true story and a cheesy, stilted, biased way to do it.

Damn, even my angry rants are getting all muddled up. Point is: he's bashing our heads in with a bible.

For one hour, we get some God propaganda and a bullshit love story, because you need to root for the good guy! 'Cause even if you don't believe in God, you gotta believe in love, 'cause this is America! (and yes: tomorrow is Saint Valentine's Day [happy birthday, Greg!])

After that painful bullshit, which I will call the 'Titanic Bullshit Hour' (you know: pointless love story, but even worse because, well: no boobs). Then there's some more painfuler (yes, this is a grammatical mistake, on purpose. Call DeVos if that makes you angry) crap with the whole 'drill sergeant is an asshole' (Hey, let's include 'Full Metal Jacket in that list of good war films!) and the main guy's rival is an asshole, but Gosh darn it (do I need to capitalize 'Gosh'?), I'm betting they're gonna be in a combat situation and that awful dude will, in the end, be a good, real, wholesome American and save the main guy and make him a PB & J.

Yeah, that totally happens. Well, not the sandwich part. But it might have ended up on the editing room floor.

So, okay, let's be honest: there are some impressive battle scenes. The way the first battle starts is, well, quite amazing.

'Amazing' if you think that the Japanese soldiers were fanatics who only wanted to murder their enemies, because sure, why not. The US Army's first job was setting up democracy, as always, as it is still doing (refer to 'Team America.' Fuck, yeah).

To be fair, there is one moment where some US soldiers kinda mention that they killed wounded Japanese soldiers. But I'm guessing this was in the film for two reasons.

1 - to show how amazing that main guy was, how totally awesome and Jesus-like he was (more on that later): he saved humans. Period. He'd have saved a hemorrhaging Goebbels had he been in Berlin at the time.

2 - This scene was included in case anyone would criticize the film. Then they'd be able to say: 'Well, dude, like: nu uh! There's this scene, which you probably totally didn't get, where they say they killed wounded gooks - I mean, Japanese soldiers. - '

Ah, OK. So the scenes where Japanese soldiers slit the throats of wounded American soldiers is totally okay then.

So, yeah: yadi yadi yada, God. Yadi yadi yada, America. Yadi yadi yada, hero.

Should I mention the end? I'd say spoilers alert, but fuck you: I won't.

So: the Hero (capital 'H' like the jam brand, that's right) gets wounded, asks for his Bible (probably capital 'B'?) and is the only soldier who gets lowered down in a half-Jesus stance.

Because Mel knows: Never go whole Jesus.

Yes, okay, this wasn't very clever, or good, but this movie pissed me off. I'm sorry: I really wanted to spend a good time with a great film, but at least I am writing again, that's gotta count for something. Or probably not. But if you've made it this far: thanks a bunch, lemme buy you a beer. Or better yet: you buy me one.

List of films seen in 2013

A bit late, but oh well. Hopefully something new will be written soon. Who knows!

Sleepwalk With Me
Your Sister's Sister
Dernier Etage Gauche Gauche
Je Me Suis Fait Tout Petit
Bringing Up Bobby
Twixt
Taken 2
Elles
Hit & Run
Le Guetteur
Argo
Lincoln
Silver Linings Playbook
The Words
Salmon Fishing in the Yemen
The Paperboy
Seven Psychopaths
Associes Contre Le Crime
Cherchez Hortense
Alex Cross
Death Wish
Death Wish 2
Du Vent Dans Mes Mollets
Flight
Death Wish 3
The Imposter
Superstar
Hemingway and Gellhorn
Death Wish 4
A Single Man
Stolen
Any Human Heart
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Troy
Zero Dark Thirty
Death Wish 5
Les Seigneurs
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Here Comes The Boom
Hitchcock
The Man with the Iron Fists
Django Unchained
Amour
Life of Pi
Pauline Detective
Dans La Maison
Sinister
Les Victimes
Adieu Berthe - L'Enterrement de Meme
Un Plan Parfait
Asterix & Obelix Au Service de Sa Majeste
Do Not Disturb
Killing Them Softly
The Master
The Raid Redemption
This Is 40
Sunshine Cleaning
Parental Guidance
Stars 80
Griff the Invisible
Freeloaders
L'Air de Rien
Populaire
Comme des Freres
Holy Motors
Les Portes De La Gloire
The Sweeney
Mais Qui as Re-Tue Pamela Rose?
Gangster Squad
John Dies At The End
Mes Heros
Tele Gaucho
Repo Man
The Most Exotic Marigold Hotel
Le Capital
Jackboots on Whitehall
The Guilt Trip
To Rome With Love
Main Dans La Main
Small Apartments
Broken City
Phil Spector
Pawn
The Details
Jack Reacher
3, 2, 1... Frankie Goes Boom
Side Effects
Norman
Parker
Stand Up Guys
Bad Kids Go To Hell
Alcèste à Bicyclette
Not Fade Away
The Last Stand
Paulette
The Numbers Station
A Good Day To Die Hard
Identity Thief
It's a Disaster
Resident Evil Retribution
Camille Redouble
Wrong
The Deep Blue Sea
Knife Fight
Arretez-Moi
The Revisionaries
Warm Bodies
Vive La France
Turf
Stoker
Quartet
Tous Les Soleils
Boule Et Bill
Mental
Mobius
Behind The Candelabra
Phantom
The Call
Movie 43
The Brass Teapot
Admission
Olympus Has Fallen
Bullet To The Head
Dead Man Down
42
Erased
Generation Um...
Hyde Park On Hudson
Trance
Welcome To The Punch
Drinking Buddies
The English Teacher
For Greater Glory - The True Story Of Cristiada
Downloaded
Shadow Dancer
This Is England
Only God Forgives
Dealin' With Idiots
Thale
Rapture-Palooza
11.6
Wild Bill
13
Mud
The Last Station
Oblivion
The Place Beyond The Pines
Les Profs
The Sapphires
The Company You Keep
Killing Season
Une Chanson Pour Ma Mère
Ouf
Emperor
Ginger And Rosa
At Any Price
Kon-Tiki
33 Postcards
Assault On Wall Street
To The Wonder
Kiss of the Damned
Mohamed Dubois
The Reluctant Fundamentalist
Iran: A Cinematographic Revolution
The Flowers Of War
The World's End
The Iceman
The Cabin In The Woods
Pawn Shop Chronicles
What Maisie Knew
Beautiful Creatures
Starbuck
Les Gamins
La Cage Doree
And Now A Word From Our Sponsor
Black Rock
Iron Man 3
The Big Wedding
Room 237
World War Z
The Hangover Part III
Now You See Me
The Frozen Ground
This Is The End
Somebody Up There Likes Me
Disconnect
Stuck in Love
Blood of Redemption
Yahsi Bati
Demi-Soeur
The Colony
Before Midnight
Pacific Rim
G.O.R.A.
L'Autre Vie De Richard Kemp
Plush
Le Cochon De Gaza
The Internship
Tu Honereras Ta Mere Et Ta Mere
The Purge
White House Down
The Conjuring
Byzantium
The Heat
RIPD
Clear History
Lovelace
Pop Redemption
I Give It A Year
Girl Most Likely
Parkland
L'Ecume Des Jours
Marius
Dead In Tombstone
2 Guns
Free Samples
We're The Millers
Red 2
The To Do List
Bounty Killer
jOBS
Le Grand Méchant Loup
And While we Were Here
Fetih 1453
Violet & Daisy
My Brother The Devil
Les Reines Du Ring
The Bling Ring
Syrup
Pontypool
Russian Ark
Despicable me 2
This Film Is Not Yet Rated
Red Obsession
Pour Une Femme
Paranoia
Josephine
The Family
Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa
Getaway
Kick-Ass 2
The Lifeguard
The Lone Ranger
The Misfits
Elysium
Niagara
Fanny
c.o.g.
Broken
Ain't Them Bodies Saint
La Marque Des Anges - Miserere
12 Ans D'Age
La Grande Boucle
Heckler
The Canyons
Pauve Richard
Prisoners
Dogtooth
Prince Avalanche
Love Sick Love
Closed Circuit
Runner Runner
All Is Bright
The Best Offer

The Avengers

(If you need an IMDb link for this, then I can only say: we're glad you finally got out of your coma!)

Big Hollywood films have become like, well, pretty much anything else out of the US.
Let's compare this film with any fast 'food' chain:

It gives you what you want, it's a quick fix. You're hungry/desperate and in a moment of weakness you decide to spend your money on it, knowing it's not a good idea, but also thinking: 'Well, what else can I do?'

You get your fix. You get full from that sweet, sweet corn syrup and additives and non-animal meat, or your ears get full of super HD true-to-life 23-D super-surround bass experience. Your eyes are full of super computer-generated stunts and your brain gets fooled into thinking that A: you've eaten all the food you needed for today or B: you've got your art-fill for the day.

But you haven't. You've just ingested empty calories and empty mindless shit.

You get lots of good actors, lots of bad actors people have seen somewhere or other and lots of hot actors, so that everyone can find a reason to go see a piece of absolute drivel.
The money is spent on said-actors and visual effects, while no money goes to the screenplay, because God forbid the story would make sense in any way whatsoever.
Your brain gets bombarded by loud noises and flashy colors and Scarlett's tits and you think you've just had a good time. But you haven't. It's like a Super Menu: You're happy for about 10 minuets, then the nausea and the diarrhea set in. Sad thing is, just like after a bad hangover -when you tell yourself you'll never drink again- well, a week later you're back at the multi-super-duper-cineplex to puncture your eardrums, spend 20 bucks on popcorn and fool yourself into thinking you're watching something entertaining.

Because when you spend more than 10 bucks on anything, you feel it has to be good. So you watch 'The Avengers' and think it's entertaining because the loud noises, the explosions, and/or Scarlett's tits gave you a raging hard-on. But the fact is: it's all fake (the jury is still out on Scarlett's mammary glands). They're getting paid more money you'll ever make in your entire life to pretend like they give a shit. Meanwhile, the studios are charging you more money you can afford so you can pay the people who don't give a shit about you and treat you like children by dangling something shiny in front of you, just so you can paw at it while gobbling down subpar popcorn (and if it's a 3D film, then this is quite literally true).

It's time to wake up and smell the fake butter! There are 2 more shitty sequels of this shitty shit. And you're all gonna flock to it because you're gonna think you have to because you'll see 28 commercials a day for it, see billboards in the streets and pictures on the sides of buses and your favorite fast food joint will have the picture of the big-titted/drug-recovering actors (who wouldn't be caught dead in a fast food place since crack's healthier than the so-called burgers they sell) on the extra-large cups of sugar-water you'll be buying.

Now, just to be clear, I am not blaming the actors. Most of them I like, all of them I understand. If someone told me: 'I'll give you millions to not act and wear a funny costume,' I'd be the first to take the money. I blame us. The public. We get brainwashed so easily. We don't want acting, we don't want a story. We want to be... ooooh... 'entertained!' And that, apparently, means loud noises, tits, and guns. If on top of that it could be 3D, so we could get a massive headache and make us feel as if we'd just drank 15 cocktails, without the giddy feeling we'd normal get, we're even happy to pay extra!
Fair enough. I guess. But don't start slagging off the WWE (which was the WWF before panda lovers went ape-shit) as soon as you get back home and feel the need to be morally-superior to somebody. We're all morons.
Some need oiled-up men full of steroids, pretending to be superheroes, to fight one another to some insane rock music. While others watch WWE. To each his own.

I know, you're thinking: 'But so what?! If we're entertained, who cares?!' Well, that's what brainwashing is all about! You're not entertained, you're being made to THINK you're being entertained! And if you're truly, honest-to-God entertained by this, well then, here's a rope. Hang yourself and be a dear Darwinian for us all, won't you, pet?
Put on any rock album you own. Play it REALLY, REALLY loud. Then do anything while listening to this. You'll think you're entertained. 'Oooh, I vacuumed to The Rolling Stones' "Sympathy for the Devil." Chores are fun!' 'Hey, I just removed fluff from my conjoint twin's belly button while listening to "Kashmir." Awesome!'

We're all fucktards. And Hollywood are the fucktard puppet masters.

I know it's based on a comic book, which proves that selling-out is nothing new. But as a 'screenwriter' (if I drink enough I sometimes fool myself into thinking I am one), if someone said: we'll give you 1000 dollars (because, really, that's the most a screenwriter's been paid in Hollywood. Ever.) to write something
commercial, I'd be all over it! Zorro, Wonder Woman, Teo Roosevelt (you need some American patriotic bullshit, always), Pif the dog (to draw in the overseas market) and Beyonce (because she wants to be in a film again and Jay-Z's threatened a producer) are in a superteam of superheroes and they supersave the world against the superbad guys (played by a stereotyped Russian, a stereotyped Somali dude and a stereotyped Iranian. Or Iraqi. Or Turk. Some kind of Middle-Eastern darkie).

Don't get me wrong (or do, what the fuck do I care at this point?!), I enjoy being entertained, I just don't enjoy being taken for a retarted horny, 5-year-old, marmoset.
Explosion! Tits! So-called repartee! Boom! Woohoo!

No. Sorry, but: no.

I did enjoy the 'Iron Man' films, by the way. I don't know why, but I did (NB: at the time if this writing I still haven't seen the third installment), but when you mix everything into one pile of goop, you get... well... goop.

It's like: I love Nutella, and I love Lagavulin and I love steak and I love ice cream. Mix all four and you got a problem.
Then again, coming to a Hollywoof multi-mega-cineplex near you: A new snack! 'Filet mignon with its single malt chocolate ice cream sauce. Why go to a fancy restaurant when you can eat in the dark and trick your brain into thinking you're being entertained?!'

I'm gonna induce vomiting and flip through the yellow pages to find a lobotomy clinic now. Because I won't be able to cope with the PTSD this film has induced.