Cosmopolis

IMDb Link

I won't waste your time like this film did mine. I'll come right out and say it: It's a bad film.
If you want to know a bit more about it, please keep on reading. If not, that's cool. Just avoid this film as if it was coming after you with a syringe full of AIDS.

David Cronenberg's a love/hate kinda guy. For a while I assimilated him to oozing psychotic sex, but I've liked or loved some of his films ('Existenz,' 'Spider,' 'A History of Violence,' 'Eastern Promises'). And the films I didn't really like or cared for, I have to admit that they were original and somehow memorable, as was the acting.
So, now...

What the fuck?

He's got a bad, bad, bad actor in a lead role who could have been played by a ventriloquist's dummy with more emotion. Hell, even Ryan Philippe would have been better. His body movement is completely off (really: do a shot of your favorite drink whenever he moves his head or face in a way that seems totally fake. By the 30th minute you'll be so shit-faced you might start thinking he's not a bad actor), his delivery is bad, and he looks like he's a transvestite whose act is a 'serious business dude.'
Yeah... So he's a guy pretending to be a woman who's pretending to be a man. That's right, I've said it.
In the diner scene, at the beginning, I was hoping for a Viggo cameo. He'd come rushing by, and smash a boiling pot of coffee on that talentless hack's head. Alas, that did not happen. Viggo could have glassed the fuck out of the even less talented 'blonde' bitch. But that, alas, didn't happen either.

There is a burst of violence early on, but it looks so staged and fake that it doesn't even make your cringe. Plus it looks like it was there just because people (such as me) expect that kind of thing in a Cronenberg film.

I haven't seen and will hopefully never see any of the 'Twilight' films. But is Pattison this horribly terrible? I'm guessing the dialogue isn't as challenging when you're an emo vampire/what-have-you, but still... The dude is not a good actor. He can't even act when he's just eating. Even that looks completely fake! Even his hand pouring a drink acts badly!
The only thing he does more or less convincingly is acting mildly perturbed when he's getting fingered. But I'm guessing he gets that from experience. Plus, that's a pretty fucking long rectal exam. And he does it every day? Yeah. OK... A guy needs his thrills, I guess.

There is a plethora of famous and great actors and they do their best, but shit: acting in front of an animated wax figurine must be challenging. So even they come off as being stilted. So it makes you think: well, that's what Cronenberg's going for. A whole Bresson kinda thing. But, no. Probably not. I think it's just a bad film. The screenplay really tries to be meaningful and deep and perhaps it is, but the acting is so horrendous that I just wanted to gouge my eyes out and shove them into my ears.

The story could have been interesting: a dude in a car, stuck in traffic, interacting with different people. But it's not really linked together, it's pretty non-sensical, too episodic and, dare I repeat myself: Pattison is atrocious.

The end tries to be shocking/daring/unexpected. But I so didn't give a shit about the protagonist that the end was sweet because it meant I wouldn't have to see his moronic robotic face anymore.

If only he had been a good actor, maybe the film would have been better, but I'm not even sure of that at this point. Sure, some lines were funny (well, one was), but the actor delivered them as if the doctor's finger was still twiddling his ass.

By the way, the writer of the original story is kind of a famous and talented guy. Don DeLillo (don't fret, the 'kind of' was my attempt at an understatement).
This shows that a good book (and it mostly was) can be a bad film (and it was).

At this point, I think that DiCaprio and Farrell are geniuses. Apparently the latter was supposed to be in this and I hate to say it: but it might have been a better film.