Moonrise Kingdom

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Hey, there, fella. Lemme show you my prized poney, here. He don't look like much and he can't do much, but that's my poney and so take him or leave him... Well, fella, woah there: haven't you ever heard about looking at a gift poney's teeth? Or something or other like this. Anyway, you know what I"m talking about... Well, lemme tell you 'bout him some more...

He first directed a film where actors pretended they weren't acting and people thought that was genius.
He did it again after that, with even less acting and people loved it even more.
Then he got some amazing actors pretending not to act and that was tremendous.
Then he got actors not giving a shit anymore and not even trying to act, because he hadn't even tried to write anyway, and people still loved it.
So then, to be completely cool, he made one of them animation thing? Cute as fuck.
And so now he stopped having actors pretending they're not acting. He just got kids who can't act worth a damn, but since all his films are pretty much the same kinda shit, these kids look like great actors who are trying not to act. But the genius thing is: they ain't acting. 'Cause they can't. And so they don't. But they look like great actors who are pretending they can't. Catch my drift?

This is a long con and we're all the victims.

Yeah, well, so I rambled on and on. My point is: my poney here is the one-tricked kind and nobody seems to be noticing it at all.

He's got nice shots (the camera kind, not the syringe kind), I give him that. They're like photgraphs come to life. But the guy's so in love with his 'off-beat' image and 'off-beat' story that he forgets that some people sometimes actually need a story, or if not a story, at least some acting. If not that, well, he still got that whole 'stroked-out-Bergman-on-weed' vibe going for him, I guess.

My biggest qualm is that in his quest to be the 'off-beat cool God' he uses French songs. He used a Joe Dassin song at the end of his train whatchamacallit. Now he's using one of my favorite songs and pretty much ruining it because I can already picture a hipster party in the Hollywood Hills where a douche bag in a black suit will play this song on vinyl and start telling me why this is so awesome, even though before he had seen the film he had no idea who Françoise Hardy was and probably still doesn't know who Jacques Dutronc is.

Fucking hell. Know what? I'm gonna get me a camera and I'm gonna shoot my wine glass facing my ashtray while France Gall sings on the soundtrack and I'll be hailed as the new director of a generation. Non-acting. Objects being objects. Cool music.

At least Bill Murray is there. Although at this point, the whole Bill and Wes thing is getting a bit old. But at least it's Bill. If you don't know who Bill Murray is, I pity you. If you don't like Bill Murray, time to test your rope skills and see if that noose is gonna hold your weight.
Also, there's Bob Balaban. If you don't know/like Bob, please refer to the Bill notes above.
And there's a cool unexpected cameo. I'll give you a hint: you might have seen his penis at some point. And that probably made him cry. Shit, maybe it's not that unexpected at all, I just didn't see his name in the opening credits is all.
And if you think I'm too judgmental, then fuck you. Because... it's like, just your opinion, man.

But not even Bill can save this (again). It's too self-conscious, too 'trying to be so cool and off beat.' You know, when trying to be off-beat becomes your sole purpose, then you're not off-beat anymore. You're just a sad caricature of yourself. Wes' films look and feel like a film student's projects.
He's the weird guy who always dresses in black, with tasseled loafers and buttoned-down shirts. The guy who carries a Tim Burton lunch box and a 'Hello Kitty' pen set. The guy who has an iPhone like everybody else, but pretends that it's 'ironic' and just to take the piss. But it totally isn't, he just loves Siri so much. Mostly because it's the only feminine voice who doesn't sound creeped up by him. But, smirking, and when he's sure that there are enough people within earshot he'll ask: 'Siri, where can I buy embalming fluid?' Oh, he's sooooo weird!
He's the student who really wants to prove to his classmates and his professor that he's got a voice and a vision and that's he's cool and oh so different. At first, you're like: 'Wow! Amazing! That guy is so cool and different!' But then you're like: 'Oh. More of that, eh? Well. Ok.' And soon enough, you're like: 'Dude, we get it. Move on. We've all graduated. You're not that weird anyway.'

I mean, come on: I'd be entertained if only it weren't so blatant how 'off beat' you were trying to be.

In fact, you're trying so hard to be off-beat that the story takes a back seat. So is it about love? Or is it about your close-up shots and your deadpan actors? Or is it about something else all together? I feel like this is some kind of private joke, and I want in! Or maybe not because, to be honest, if this is some inside joke, everybody looks so fucking bored that it might be a good thing to not be on it.

Just so I don't sound like a total dick, lemme add that I enjoyed Ed Norton, he wasn't trying to not act and he was funny. I also enjoyed the 'Shawshank Redemption' 'homage.' But that's about it. Even Bruce Willis, whom I usually like, felt like he was thinking: 'Ha! I'm Bruce Willis. Acting in a weird off-beat role. Isn't that weirdj?' (Because in my mind, when Bruce Willis thinks, he thinks with a Dutch accent).

So that's why I'm getting rid of my poney, here. Please buy it. I'm sure he'll be more worthwhile as a bunch of sausages for dogs.

Allow me a final 'bon mot,' if I may. And the beauty of it is that it's obvious as hell and not funny at all. But because it's obvious as hell (since most characters are Boy Scouts) and not funny at all, some of you might think it's actually funny. It's a post-post-post modern kinda thing. This is what Wes is all about. So, here's my bon mot... Imagine a great actor saying it, close up on his face, dead-pan:
"It's not so much the khaki that bothers me, but all the caca."

Put some random Dalida on the soundtrack and you've got yourself a new Wes Anderson film. As long as you find some catchy title. So, let's call it: 'The Soliloquy Sonatas.'