Dark Shadows (2012)

IMDb Link

This is a tough one to write, because I enjoyed it, but I also couldn't help feeling a few things. No, not in that way, you creep.

Although... There are enough women of all ages here to please the pickiest of pervert. It is also the first film where I find Eva Green ridiculousy hot. Also, I loved the paintings of her in her boardroom, all the way to the 20s cubist/Art Nouveau or what-have-you one. Plus she keeps wearing boots. That's always a plus in my book. Speaking of which, since they end up sleeping together (in a pretty funny scene) and since she looks the way she looks... Wouldn't it have been more logical to put make up on her to make her ugly? I mean... Why would anyone not want to be with Eva Green? This is just silly. Plus we're talking about Eva Green with crazy super powers. That's even hotter.
And, well, of course, there's Michelle Pfeiffer, who's into a league of her own when it comes to beauty.
And, yes, because you all expect me to be creepy and I'd hate to disappoint you: Chloë Moretz is turning into a stupendous woman and her lips are going to give Ms Johansson's a run for their money. Yeah, yeah: I'm a creep.

So, now that this is behind us, let me deal with the film at hand. It is fun, it is everything you expect from a Burton/Depp film: Humor, 'romance,' and enough references to Gothic literature to make a Goth teen have an orgasm.

It must be cool to be Burton. In 'Edward Scisorrhands,' he had Vincent Price in his last role. Now he has Depp, as a vampire, hypnotize Christopher Lee. Christoper Lee! The more moronic of you are probably thinking: 'Oh, the dude from Lord of the Rings.' For me, he's Dracula. The first Dracula film I ever saw was with Mr Lee and he scared the shit out of me and since then he's always been Dracula. More than Scaramanga or Lord Baddie or whatever his character's name is in that overrated-Kiwi-trilogy crap.

But I had a point, so allow me to get back to it: this is a fun film. There's a lot of humor in it, and that's a plus. If you've seen either TV series (yes, it was remade in the late 80s/early 90s. That's when I first heard of this story), you know what the story is about, more or less.
And if you've ever seen a Depp/Burton film you know that it happens mostly at night, Depp looks the way he always looks: pale (with at times, I thought, pretty bad make-up. Also maybe he could have changed his clothes to try to fit in a bit more with the other 70s people. And someone could have mentioned that his nails needed clipping. Although that would have ruined the whole 'Nosferatu' look). As usual, only his hairdo changes. I am not criticizing, I am merely saying that Burton and Depp should try to change something. I mean, okay: it works, so why change it? But still... He could maybe, one day, play a non-pale non-British character with non-old-timey clothes.

I keep expecting a Burton/Depp sex tape. At this point, I think it's inevitable. Helena Bonham-Carter would film it, of course.

Anyway, my point was: it is fun, it is entertaining. At times it's even laugh-out-loud funny (yes: LOL). If you like Burton and Depp, you'll like this. If you hate them, well, give this film a skip, obviously. If you think witches, spells and vampires are all a bit silly and overdone these days (and who would blame you), then also skip it. But if you enjoy nice cinematography, Gothic tales, humor, Disney's haunted house, and hot women (and, well, I guess some people think Depp is hot, too), then watch it, with a grain of salt, and be entertained. Unfortunately, the last 15 minutes are quite silly (because, and that almost ruined the whole film for me, there's a werewolf. Out of the blue. For no reason. Forget the 'LOL', we're deep in WTF territory at this point).

Anyway, so the end/climax is quite silly and overdone and all over the place and illogical as hell. Okay, I am willing to accept vampires, but not a ghost who decides to have her revenge randomly or a random werewolf that serves no purpose whatsoever and whose powers disappear as mysteriously as they appeared. Also, I never bought the supposed true-love story between Depp and what's her face. Also, why didn't anybody mention the 20 dead hippies? I realize nobody gives a shit about hippies, but still... Anyway, shit, son: it's Hollywood. What are you gonna do?

So: yeah. Fun, except the last 15 minutes, which, come to think, might have ruined the film for me after all.

I had a thought while watching the dénouement: Maybe Burton's gonna film a remake of 'Beetlejuice,' replacing Keaton with Depp and giving as an excuse: 'Well, today with the advance in technology I can really make the film I had wanted to make back then.' And of course it will be in 3-D.
If this happens, I will say: 'Cool. I want to see it!' But I will also say: 'Oh, for fuck's sake!'

Anyway. Serioulsy: when will people learn that vampires can be cool or cruel or suave or sad, but werewolves are always just plain silly?