Titanic

‘My heart will go on.’ And on and on and on for three freakin’ hours. Until I will be old and actually die. So my heart will not go on forever. Bummer.

This is a typical Mr (ex)Bigelow film, he is the master of misdirection. Let me explain myself: he dazzles us with his stunning visuals and sense of detail, and therefore, most people don’t notice that:
A – the story completely sucks.
B – he always tells the same story. Be it in the future, on another planet or on a boat.

So, the boat sinking is incredible to look at and it’s freaky and it’s impressive and it's chilling (because, hey, guess what: it actually happened!) But everything else around it is boring and pointless. Why have a love story? And a bad guy? Sure, you need conflict. But you’d think a sinking boat, a ‘ginormous’ iceberg, freezing waters and hundreds and hundreds of people dying would be enough for a conflict...

If you need to ask: no, I did not like this film. The fact that so many people did and still do, baffles me to no end. Then again, a lot of people like McDonald’s and Coca-Cola. If you convince them they need shit, they’ll gobble down that shit.

Okay, I will help Mr Bigelow, the Hollywood gigolo. I have some stories he might want to film. Since he always writes the same story, it’s pretty easy… So, for your consideration: Jimmy’s next film(s)…

“9/11: A Love Story” – John and Emma are working in the same World Trade Center building. They work for opposite firms and everything seems to divide them. Then the first plane strikes and they are caught in an office, just the two of them. Through tears, fire, and gasoline fumes, they fall in love. But John dies. Emma survives, promising herself she will never forget her true love.

“From Abu Ghraib with Love” – Sharona is in the USMC. Ali is an innocent muslim mistakenly thought to be a Taliban. While posing for some humiliating pictures with him being naked and wearing a pointy hat, Sharona realizes she has feelings for him. And yet everything seems to divide them. Through torture sessions and other heartbreaking (almost literally) moments, they fall in love. But Ali is killed while being waterboarded. Sharona quits the Marines, promising herself she will never forget her true love.

“Northridge 94: Love’s A-Shakin’!” – December 94, California. Tom is a young seismologist. He predicts that something ‘truly wicked’ will happen soon. No one believes him, except Consuela, his maid from Honduras. Everything divides them. But, through scientific research, interviews with disbelieving journalists, and political meetings with a disbelieving mayor and governor, they fall in love. Then the quake hits and Tom dies. As Consuela is being deported back to Honduras, she promises herself she will never forget her true love.

And that’s how you make a multi-gazillion-dollar film.