Mr Nice

IMDb Link

Based on the eponymous book, ‘Mr Nice’ tell the wild tale of Howard Marks.
While the book was entertaining, albeit not very well written (sorry, but the sentences were just too choppy. Plus I am not sure I buy all of it. Marks is a self-confessed liar/yarn-spinner, so most of what he writes is probably exaggerated, but that’s cool), the movie did an impressive job of adapting the book. Although I believe that a mini-series or trilogy would have been better suited for all the material.

As always, and understandably so, I am sure that lovers of the book will say the film is crap because it condenses so much and bypasses so much more. Which is why I said a mini-series would have been better, because the parts that have been condensed/ignored are quite entertaining. For me, the book got really interesting when he gets arrested. Everything before, while entertaining, is also too repetitive. Plus it’s got way too many names and deals to keep track of.
The film ignores his year-long stay in Spain before being extradited to the US. It also doesn’t really show anything about his incarceration in Miami nor Terre Haute, except for the losing teeth and teaching parts.
And even Lovato doesn’t seem that much of an asshole in the film.
It also doesn’t show the struggle Judy goes through, it doesn’t show that she was also arrested and how they used the media to sway the public opinion.
And it completely ignores the whole Bangkok/Thailand/Moynihan part of the story, which was one of my favorite in the book. But, oh well. They can’t please everybody, I guess. It would have been nice to see him eat a tiger’s dick and a tuna’s jawbone, though. Plus what a film always need is Asian hookers.
Also, and I think rather importantly: how he gets the name of Mr Nice is also not accurate in the film, once again combining some things. It wouldn’t be that important, except it’s the friggin’ title!

The acting is, however, very good. As mentioned, the adapting is impressive, because it is quite a daunting task to adapt Marks’ memoirs. But, at the risk of repeating myself, 2 hours can’t do it justice. The directing is also good, and I would say that the use of green screens makes it look like genuine 70s cheesy kitsch. I don’t know if that’s what they were going for, but it worked for me.
Going back to the acting, when in the book Marks says that he went through all the possible emotions upon hearing of his parole, what I imagined is exactly what I saw. Mr Ifans is quite impressive and, dare I say it, is the perfect guy to play Marks. Plus he’s really Welsh, not some American accent acting with a bad accent (Yes, I’m looking at you Ms Sevigny).

Then, just when you’re respecting the screenplay, even though it left out your favorite bits, it goes into cartoon mode with the ‘arrest’ of James ‘The Kid’ McCann. What the fuck was that all about? The Kid is pretty cartoonish and is quite funny in the book. In the film, well, at least he’s played by Thewlis, but he’s not as funny and goody and stupid as he should have been. And the whole smoke grenade/machine gun thing is absurd. I don’t know, maybe it’s in the book and I blocked it out. Or it’s a way to show how The Kid sees himself, as some kind of hero and it shouldn’t be taken at face value. But I still thought it kinda sucked.
Then it doesn’t show the judge’s vocabulary mistake. I know it’s merely an anecdote, but it’s so surreal that it would’ve been awesome to see it.

All this being said, as in ‘Blow,’ I feel no pity whatsoever for the main character. At least Marks only dealt in hashish and marijuana (or so he says), which is less horrible than cocaine or guns. But at the end of the day, call me a square if you must, but he broke a million laws, so it’s not surprising he got busted. Plus he had a family and he was super rich already, so greed got the better of him, so I can’t pity him. He fucked up his kids and his wife and his life. He is in no way a hero. Yes, I am envious of his previous lifestyle, but he fucked it all up. For a few extra million pounds. Most people would do the same. That’s why I’m a misanthrope.
Anyway, he lost it all, but then he wrote a famous book which was made into a film. So he is profiting from his past crimes. Isn’t that what our modern society is all about?

So, bottom line is, as is so often the case: if you haven’t read the book, you might enjoy it, although it's really nothing new. Guy decides to smuggle dope, gets filthy rich, loses it all, goes to prison.
If you’ve read the book, you’ll get pissed off that your favorite bits were left off.

Let’s hope HBO will one day have a mini-series about ‘Mr. Nice.’ Even if some of it is bullshit (I mean, it’s like you’re reading Verbal Kint’s autobiography), it’s still pretty entertaining.

Cosmopolis

IMDb Link

I won't waste your time like this film did mine. I'll come right out and say it: It's a bad film.
If you want to know a bit more about it, please keep on reading. If not, that's cool. Just avoid this film as if it was coming after you with a syringe full of AIDS.

David Cronenberg's a love/hate kinda guy. For a while I assimilated him to oozing psychotic sex, but I've liked or loved some of his films ('Existenz,' 'Spider,' 'A History of Violence,' 'Eastern Promises'). And the films I didn't really like or cared for, I have to admit that they were original and somehow memorable, as was the acting.
So, now...

What the fuck?

He's got a bad, bad, bad actor in a lead role who could have been played by a ventriloquist's dummy with more emotion. Hell, even Ryan Philippe would have been better. His body movement is completely off (really: do a shot of your favorite drink whenever he moves his head or face in a way that seems totally fake. By the 30th minute you'll be so shit-faced you might start thinking he's not a bad actor), his delivery is bad, and he looks like he's a transvestite whose act is a 'serious business dude.'
Yeah... So he's a guy pretending to be a woman who's pretending to be a man. That's right, I've said it.
In the diner scene, at the beginning, I was hoping for a Viggo cameo. He'd come rushing by, and smash a boiling pot of coffee on that talentless hack's head. Alas, that did not happen. Viggo could have glassed the fuck out of the even less talented 'blonde' bitch. But that, alas, didn't happen either.

There is a burst of violence early on, but it looks so staged and fake that it doesn't even make your cringe. Plus it looks like it was there just because people (such as me) expect that kind of thing in a Cronenberg film.

I haven't seen and will hopefully never see any of the 'Twilight' films. But is Pattison this horribly terrible? I'm guessing the dialogue isn't as challenging when you're an emo vampire/what-have-you, but still... The dude is not a good actor. He can't even act when he's just eating. Even that looks completely fake! Even his hand pouring a drink acts badly!
The only thing he does more or less convincingly is acting mildly perturbed when he's getting fingered. But I'm guessing he gets that from experience. Plus, that's a pretty fucking long rectal exam. And he does it every day? Yeah. OK... A guy needs his thrills, I guess.

There is a plethora of famous and great actors and they do their best, but shit: acting in front of an animated wax figurine must be challenging. So even they come off as being stilted. So it makes you think: well, that's what Cronenberg's going for. A whole Bresson kinda thing. But, no. Probably not. I think it's just a bad film. The screenplay really tries to be meaningful and deep and perhaps it is, but the acting is so horrendous that I just wanted to gouge my eyes out and shove them into my ears.

The story could have been interesting: a dude in a car, stuck in traffic, interacting with different people. But it's not really linked together, it's pretty non-sensical, too episodic and, dare I repeat myself: Pattison is atrocious.

The end tries to be shocking/daring/unexpected. But I so didn't give a shit about the protagonist that the end was sweet because it meant I wouldn't have to see his moronic robotic face anymore.

If only he had been a good actor, maybe the film would have been better, but I'm not even sure of that at this point. Sure, some lines were funny (well, one was), but the actor delivered them as if the doctor's finger was still twiddling his ass.

By the way, the writer of the original story is kind of a famous and talented guy. Don DeLillo (don't fret, the 'kind of' was my attempt at an understatement).
This shows that a good book (and it mostly was) can be a bad film (and it was).

At this point, I think that DiCaprio and Farrell are geniuses. Apparently the latter was supposed to be in this and I hate to say it: but it might have been a better film.

Detachment

IMDb Link

Before watching this film, open a bottle a wine, load a gun and tie up a noose and make sure your beams will hold your weight, 'cause this is a doozy! I half expected the film to end with a title card, saying: 'And then he died of cholera.' I am also surprised they haven't used REM's 'Everybody Hurts' at least once. I'm sure they wanted to, though.

I get it that life sucks, but shit: I know this, I don't need to spend 90 minutes looking at how life sucks for other people!
Because it does. This is all about under-appreciated teachers, angry kids, teenage hookers, sad kid hookers, angry hooking kids, dying grandfathers, fat kids who are misunderstood and who got so much talent, etc, etc, etc. (to be fair, all the hooker/kid/angry involve the same character. But still.)
So this is pretty much a long episode of 'Glee,' without the songs.

It's shot as a documentary, and especially towards the beginning it works, because you wonder if the people you see (meaning: the people you've never seen before) are actors or not, so it has a bit of a documentary feeling to it.
It also manages to show how fucked up the US 'education' system is, how people who care are not respected, how teachers get depressed and end up saying: 'Fuck that motherfucking shit.' And who can blame them?
It's about how human contact, in a completely non-sexual way, just in a fucking HUMAN way is 'inappropriate.' And when I say this I'm not talking about the teenager blowing old men in the bus, but the teacher hugging a student who really needs a fucking hug.

So people need to be more in touch with their feelings, but if you try to comfort someone, you're branded a pervert.

America: How I hate thy perverse hypocrisy.

But, on a (not so) lighter note: I liked the scene where some government sleaze-ball talks about getting better scores in order to raise the property value. That's as American as apple pie and high-school shootings. And who better to play this sleaze-ball than Mr Clay 'sheeeeeeeit' Davis himself (he's starting to become a regular on this here blog!)

I was surprised by the cast. I like Brody, but at some point his 'beat up puppy' look gets slightly tiring. Even when he's smiling, you feel like his heart is bleeding. Adrian: take a chill pill, watch an episode of 'Ren and Stimpy' or something.

When he starts talking to the camera, you're wondering who he's talking to. The cops or who? But, no, it turns out it's just a gimmick with no purpose. Oh, well.

However (look, ma: I'm using linkers!), I was floored by Bryan Cranston who, in about 2 minutes, probably less, manages to look sleazier, more evil and more repulsive than anyone in the film and anyone I've seen in a long, long, time. And I'm saying this after having watched 'The Departed' a couple of days ago, for the 10th time. A film that doesn't have a whole lot of friendly folks. Well, Cranston seems more malevolent and pernicious than any of the people in the Scorsese film. In under 2 minutes.

Then there's James Caan, who plays the cool dude who doesn't give a fuck, and he's awesome.
Then there's Tim Blake Nelson as the guy who's on the verge of a major collapse, and he's awesome. I kept expecting him to kill a student or himself. The fact that that doesn't happen is good.
Then there's Marcia Gay Harden who's sad and tough and great, as always (always great, I meant. Not that she's always sad and tough. Although, she kinda is...)
Then there's Lucy Liu, who I am sure is awesome. But it's Lucy Liu, my hormones work double time when I see her and I'm biased.

I also really enjoyed the animations, which were completely pointless, but quite nice.

So: the acting is great, sometimes even tremendous, because some lines are really quite corny, but the actors are able to deliver them convincingly.
The directing tries a little too hard to be 'gritty.' And the writing, well... The writer's heart is in the right place, but it feels a bit too much like "Oh, boy, oh boy, oh boy! We're gonna get an Oscar for sure!" Because it's just so fucking depressing all the time! All you needed was a crippled kid and then, well... It would be Oscar worthy. And even more like 'Glee.'

I criticized some of the cheesy lines, but there also some good lines, and I am so not at all like those teachers in any way, but I could kinda relate to them facing students being pricks. But Brody lecturing on 'doublethink?' Yeah, no. In the real world, he'd have been arrested, branded a communist and sent to Guantanamo.
Because life is 'Dirty Dancing.' The USA is Jennifer Gray. And nobody puts baby in a corner.

Also, I know that to show that it's a flashback from way back then, you have to change the film stock and make it look like it was shot on Super 8. But in this case it's just creepy because it looks like it was actually shot on Super 8. As in:
"Oh, wow. Your mom just OD'd on pills. Let me get that with my new camera. Damn, look at those tits! Okay, now let's cut to you: how do you feel? Yeah, great! You look sad! Are you sad? Yeah, probably, 'cause your mom's dead in front of you. Well... Shit, son, I don't know: Look at her tits! Now don't mind me I'm gonna keep filming close ups of you until the paramedics arrive. This will come in handy when you're gonna have to talk about your trauma as an adult, while pretending to smoke, trust me. It's gonna be a "show don't tell kinda thing." Don't cry, you pussy! Or I'll make sure you end up with your mom!'

But maybe I'm the only one who thought that.

In the end, I'm not sure who this film is for. Could be for students so they see that other students are also struggling and that teachers are humans, too.
Or it could be for teachers, saying: well, students are not always horrible and they are humans, too.
Or for people who are thinking about becoming teachers: For the love of God, don't do it! To quote 'The Departed': "The world needs plenty of bartenders!" (plus you can drink, you get to talk to women who are not under-aged and you don't have to work mornings!)

I know you're not gonna believe me, and this is a major spoiler, but get this: at first, the students don't respect him. And then, wow: they love him and they're sad that he has to go! This is pretty original. No? Yes? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller?

At least, surprisingly, it doesn't end in a totally expected suicide.

Oh, wait. It totally does.

Moonrise Kingdom

IMDb Link

Hey, there, fella. Lemme show you my prized poney, here. He don't look like much and he can't do much, but that's my poney and so take him or leave him... Well, fella, woah there: haven't you ever heard about looking at a gift poney's teeth? Or something or other like this. Anyway, you know what I"m talking about... Well, lemme tell you 'bout him some more...

He first directed a film where actors pretended they weren't acting and people thought that was genius.
He did it again after that, with even less acting and people loved it even more.
Then he got some amazing actors pretending not to act and that was tremendous.
Then he got actors not giving a shit anymore and not even trying to act, because he hadn't even tried to write anyway, and people still loved it.
So then, to be completely cool, he made one of them animation thing? Cute as fuck.
And so now he stopped having actors pretending they're not acting. He just got kids who can't act worth a damn, but since all his films are pretty much the same kinda shit, these kids look like great actors who are trying not to act. But the genius thing is: they ain't acting. 'Cause they can't. And so they don't. But they look like great actors who are pretending they can't. Catch my drift?

This is a long con and we're all the victims.

Yeah, well, so I rambled on and on. My point is: my poney here is the one-tricked kind and nobody seems to be noticing it at all.

He's got nice shots (the camera kind, not the syringe kind), I give him that. They're like photgraphs come to life. But the guy's so in love with his 'off-beat' image and 'off-beat' story that he forgets that some people sometimes actually need a story, or if not a story, at least some acting. If not that, well, he still got that whole 'stroked-out-Bergman-on-weed' vibe going for him, I guess.

My biggest qualm is that in his quest to be the 'off-beat cool God' he uses French songs. He used a Joe Dassin song at the end of his train whatchamacallit. Now he's using one of my favorite songs and pretty much ruining it because I can already picture a hipster party in the Hollywood Hills where a douche bag in a black suit will play this song on vinyl and start telling me why this is so awesome, even though before he had seen the film he had no idea who Françoise Hardy was and probably still doesn't know who Jacques Dutronc is.

Fucking hell. Know what? I'm gonna get me a camera and I'm gonna shoot my wine glass facing my ashtray while France Gall sings on the soundtrack and I'll be hailed as the new director of a generation. Non-acting. Objects being objects. Cool music.

At least Bill Murray is there. Although at this point, the whole Bill and Wes thing is getting a bit old. But at least it's Bill. If you don't know who Bill Murray is, I pity you. If you don't like Bill Murray, time to test your rope skills and see if that noose is gonna hold your weight.
Also, there's Bob Balaban. If you don't know/like Bob, please refer to the Bill notes above.
And there's a cool unexpected cameo. I'll give you a hint: you might have seen his penis at some point. And that probably made him cry. Shit, maybe it's not that unexpected at all, I just didn't see his name in the opening credits is all.
And if you think I'm too judgmental, then fuck you. Because... it's like, just your opinion, man.

But not even Bill can save this (again). It's too self-conscious, too 'trying to be so cool and off beat.' You know, when trying to be off-beat becomes your sole purpose, then you're not off-beat anymore. You're just a sad caricature of yourself. Wes' films look and feel like a film student's projects.
He's the weird guy who always dresses in black, with tasseled loafers and buttoned-down shirts. The guy who carries a Tim Burton lunch box and a 'Hello Kitty' pen set. The guy who has an iPhone like everybody else, but pretends that it's 'ironic' and just to take the piss. But it totally isn't, he just loves Siri so much. Mostly because it's the only feminine voice who doesn't sound creeped up by him. But, smirking, and when he's sure that there are enough people within earshot he'll ask: 'Siri, where can I buy embalming fluid?' Oh, he's sooooo weird!
He's the student who really wants to prove to his classmates and his professor that he's got a voice and a vision and that's he's cool and oh so different. At first, you're like: 'Wow! Amazing! That guy is so cool and different!' But then you're like: 'Oh. More of that, eh? Well. Ok.' And soon enough, you're like: 'Dude, we get it. Move on. We've all graduated. You're not that weird anyway.'

I mean, come on: I'd be entertained if only it weren't so blatant how 'off beat' you were trying to be.

In fact, you're trying so hard to be off-beat that the story takes a back seat. So is it about love? Or is it about your close-up shots and your deadpan actors? Or is it about something else all together? I feel like this is some kind of private joke, and I want in! Or maybe not because, to be honest, if this is some inside joke, everybody looks so fucking bored that it might be a good thing to not be on it.

Just so I don't sound like a total dick, lemme add that I enjoyed Ed Norton, he wasn't trying to not act and he was funny. I also enjoyed the 'Shawshank Redemption' 'homage.' But that's about it. Even Bruce Willis, whom I usually like, felt like he was thinking: 'Ha! I'm Bruce Willis. Acting in a weird off-beat role. Isn't that weirdj?' (Because in my mind, when Bruce Willis thinks, he thinks with a Dutch accent).

So that's why I'm getting rid of my poney, here. Please buy it. I'm sure he'll be more worthwhile as a bunch of sausages for dogs.

Allow me a final 'bon mot,' if I may. And the beauty of it is that it's obvious as hell and not funny at all. But because it's obvious as hell (since most characters are Boy Scouts) and not funny at all, some of you might think it's actually funny. It's a post-post-post modern kinda thing. This is what Wes is all about. So, here's my bon mot... Imagine a great actor saying it, close up on his face, dead-pan:
"It's not so much the khaki that bothers me, but all the caca."

Put some random Dalida on the soundtrack and you've got yourself a new Wes Anderson film. As long as you find some catchy title. So, let's call it: 'The Soliloquy Sonatas.'

Dark Shadows (2012)

IMDb Link

This is a tough one to write, because I enjoyed it, but I also couldn't help feeling a few things. No, not in that way, you creep.

Although... There are enough women of all ages here to please the pickiest of pervert. It is also the first film where I find Eva Green ridiculousy hot. Also, I loved the paintings of her in her boardroom, all the way to the 20s cubist/Art Nouveau or what-have-you one. Plus she keeps wearing boots. That's always a plus in my book. Speaking of which, since they end up sleeping together (in a pretty funny scene) and since she looks the way she looks... Wouldn't it have been more logical to put make up on her to make her ugly? I mean... Why would anyone not want to be with Eva Green? This is just silly. Plus we're talking about Eva Green with crazy super powers. That's even hotter.
And, well, of course, there's Michelle Pfeiffer, who's into a league of her own when it comes to beauty.
And, yes, because you all expect me to be creepy and I'd hate to disappoint you: Chloë Moretz is turning into a stupendous woman and her lips are going to give Ms Johansson's a run for their money. Yeah, yeah: I'm a creep.

So, now that this is behind us, let me deal with the film at hand. It is fun, it is everything you expect from a Burton/Depp film: Humor, 'romance,' and enough references to Gothic literature to make a Goth teen have an orgasm.

It must be cool to be Burton. In 'Edward Scisorrhands,' he had Vincent Price in his last role. Now he has Depp, as a vampire, hypnotize Christopher Lee. Christoper Lee! The more moronic of you are probably thinking: 'Oh, the dude from Lord of the Rings.' For me, he's Dracula. The first Dracula film I ever saw was with Mr Lee and he scared the shit out of me and since then he's always been Dracula. More than Scaramanga or Lord Baddie or whatever his character's name is in that overrated-Kiwi-trilogy crap.

But I had a point, so allow me to get back to it: this is a fun film. There's a lot of humor in it, and that's a plus. If you've seen either TV series (yes, it was remade in the late 80s/early 90s. That's when I first heard of this story), you know what the story is about, more or less.
And if you've ever seen a Depp/Burton film you know that it happens mostly at night, Depp looks the way he always looks: pale (with at times, I thought, pretty bad make-up. Also maybe he could have changed his clothes to try to fit in a bit more with the other 70s people. And someone could have mentioned that his nails needed clipping. Although that would have ruined the whole 'Nosferatu' look). As usual, only his hairdo changes. I am not criticizing, I am merely saying that Burton and Depp should try to change something. I mean, okay: it works, so why change it? But still... He could maybe, one day, play a non-pale non-British character with non-old-timey clothes.

I keep expecting a Burton/Depp sex tape. At this point, I think it's inevitable. Helena Bonham-Carter would film it, of course.

Anyway, my point was: it is fun, it is entertaining. At times it's even laugh-out-loud funny (yes: LOL). If you like Burton and Depp, you'll like this. If you hate them, well, give this film a skip, obviously. If you think witches, spells and vampires are all a bit silly and overdone these days (and who would blame you), then also skip it. But if you enjoy nice cinematography, Gothic tales, humor, Disney's haunted house, and hot women (and, well, I guess some people think Depp is hot, too), then watch it, with a grain of salt, and be entertained. Unfortunately, the last 15 minutes are quite silly (because, and that almost ruined the whole film for me, there's a werewolf. Out of the blue. For no reason. Forget the 'LOL', we're deep in WTF territory at this point).

Anyway, so the end/climax is quite silly and overdone and all over the place and illogical as hell. Okay, I am willing to accept vampires, but not a ghost who decides to have her revenge randomly or a random werewolf that serves no purpose whatsoever and whose powers disappear as mysteriously as they appeared. Also, I never bought the supposed true-love story between Depp and what's her face. Also, why didn't anybody mention the 20 dead hippies? I realize nobody gives a shit about hippies, but still... Anyway, shit, son: it's Hollywood. What are you gonna do?

So: yeah. Fun, except the last 15 minutes, which, come to think, might have ruined the film for me after all.

I had a thought while watching the dénouement: Maybe Burton's gonna film a remake of 'Beetlejuice,' replacing Keaton with Depp and giving as an excuse: 'Well, today with the advance in technology I can really make the film I had wanted to make back then.' And of course it will be in 3-D.
If this happens, I will say: 'Cool. I want to see it!' But I will also say: 'Oh, for fuck's sake!'

Anyway. Serioulsy: when will people learn that vampires can be cool or cruel or suave or sad, but werewolves are always just plain silly?

Remember Me

IMDb Link

The tone is set in the first shot: you see the twin towers in the distance. Then a mother gets shot. If you thought that's depressing, well... you'd be wrong, because it gets worse after that.

Funerals, terrorist talks, daddy issues, mommy issues, brother issues... Of course there's the obligatory smart-ass roommate, to provide 'comic' relief in a film that needs it desperately. Unfortunately, the so-called humor isn't funny, so that doesn't leave much outside of this 2-hour long weep fest. Well, not weep. But melodramatic drivel. With a main character who broods a lot. He's a brooder. There's brooding involved.
Only interesting thing is Brosnan. It's interesting to see him as an asshole. The dude's still got style, though. But the main character is always smoking. Because in American films the way to show the audience that a character is depressed is by having him smoke. And it looks like his eyebrows could give Colin Farrel's a run for their money. And what's with the messy rockabilly hairdo? Does it show that the character and 'actor' annoyed the shit out of me? I'm not sure, I might be too subtle.
And it's nice to see De Ravin, who's the quintessence of "super cute," without a rifle in her hands, or obsessing about her baby Aaron.

Anyway, I can't believe how freaking long this film is. By the 45th minute, I thought that surely it would be almost over, but no, it wet on for another 95 minutes! Come on! Chop-chop: we get it. Life sucks, and you're in love.
I have to say, even though I should have, I didn't see the end coming. But I think it was 11 minutes too long, that final voice over was completely redundant and therefore unnecessary and it took away from the 'surprise.' But it's Hollywood, so what can you do? At least no one ends up pregnant clutching their belly in a way to show the audience that there is a new life coming. And I'm surprised about that. It probably is somewhere on the cutting room floor.

By the way, just wondering: Has anyone ever seen Chris Cooper smile? Anyone? Ever?

PS: Wait... They're Irish but put stones on headstones? Jewish-Irish? A lot of them out there. Talk about a bunch of confused people they must be.

Lawless

IMDb Link

A screenplay by Nick Cave, set in Depression times USA, with ruthless guys and gorgeous women. And, of course, great music. What else do you need? Some violence? Well, I'm glad that's what you want!

It is indeed violent. Very much so. Some scenes made me wince, others made me laugh. Not in a 'this is so cheesy' way at all, but more in a 'Oh, Nick, you crazy bastard!' kind of way. It is apparently a real story and the screenplay is based on a book I haven't read. I don't know how much was, shall we say, romanticized by the original author who, unless it's some very weird coincidence, seems to be a direct descendent of the protagonists. Then I don't know how much Nick added. I mean his themes are all present here: redemption, religion, ruthlessness, dark humor, love, man's foolishness and pettiness. Hopelessness. And some more ruthlessness.

Which brings us to Guy Pearce, whose character is evil and loathesome beyond words. Sure, it is a little cartoonish, but he's truly awesome in his creepiness. What we don't see makes you wonder even more. For example the long shot on a woman's naked body, sitting on the edge of the bed and crying as Guy dresses himself. You don't know what happened and you don't really want to know what happened. And it's such a rare things these days to be able to use your imagination.

The only small thing I could say is that sometimes the film felt a bit too episodic. Meaning: now there's a scene about them working. Cut to a scene of them drinking. Cut to a scene of them doing something else. It felt like some linking scenes were missing. Also, when Shia walks around missing a shoe, in the next scene he's got both shoes on, but it's apparently a different day and I hadn't understood that (I admit I didn't pay attention to the clothes so I don't know if they're different between the two scenes). And also, when he gets thrown down some stairs you can totally see that he lands on a mat under some leaves. But oh well.

Sure, I'm pretty convinced that women at that time did not look as clean and lean as the women in this film. But, hey: I'm not complaining.

The dialogue is pretty fun at times, too. Especially the main guy's, who's a man of few words and usually says: 'Uhm... Hmm.' And you always know what he means and what he's thinking about.

Then there's Shia... I admit that when I heard he was in the film it made me go 'uh oh.' But I was surprised by the fact that he didn't suck. Also, I thought that if one day someone makes a David Gahan film, Shia should play him.

Gary Oldman is also in there. For too short a time, he's really an extended cameo. But the first two times you see him, for a few seconds, he manages to steal the show. Of course. I mean him getting out of a car with a Tommy gun, smoking a cigarillo an readjusting his suit jacket... That's just so Oldman and so priceless. Plus, come on: can you think of anything cooler than Gary Oldman firing a Tommy gun? I sure can't. Except maybe Oldman firing two Tommy guns.

Speaking of cameos... If you blink you'll miss it, but make sure you look at the first dead body you see, the one sitting on the passenger seat of a shot out car.

So there you have it. A fun film with lots and lots of blood, some really good acting and a strong screenplay (as if I'd say anything else about something written by Mr Cave) and great music (as if I'd say anything else about something written by Mr Cave). If you're queasy at the sight of blood, you should definitely give this film a pass. If you want to see something fun and violent and see guy Pearce being a total asshole, then go see this film!

Budz House

IMDb Link

I'm willing to give any film a chance, I mean... You know, you just got to. But what in God(ard)'s name was I thinking about when I decided to watch this?!
After less than 4 minutes into it, this movie already bored the shit out of me. By the 11-minute mark I was thinking of smashing my whisky glass on my coffee table and eating the shards, just to do something more enjoyable.

This is a film for, and possibly by, college weed-smokers. Morons wearing baseball caps sideways, wearing super baggy shorts and covering their mouths with their fists everytime they find something funny, going: 'Ohhhh, snap!'
So, yeah: If you're a pothead fratboy with an IQ of 10, you will love this film.
If, on the other hand, you are more intelligent that an amoeba, you will want to throw something heavy at your screen... All the clichés are there. It even has 'Because I got High' (or whatever the actual name of the song is, I can't be bothered to google it) as the first song of the film. I guess the film guys were too stoned to realize that it's actually a pretty anti-getting-stoned song. Later on, I know you're not gonna believe me but...
There are Snoop Dogg songs. So unexpected!

But I can picture fratboys everywhere giggling as they're watching this film, firing up their bongs before gobbling up some more Cheetos.

Once upon a time, introducing characters with a freeze frame and showing their names on the screen was totally cool. But now? It's just another cliché. Anyway, who needs to remember the names? You have Black Stoner 1, Black Stoner 2, White Stoner 1 and Hispanic Stoner 1. And then all the Stoner Extras. And the booty, of course (not complaining about that. Really, really nice booties they are. Indeed: They're Bootylicious!). Because the quote-unquote audience's gotta go: 'Daaamn, she's fiiine! Ohhhh! Snap! He's smoking again, dawg!'

At this point, because we live in a hypocritical society that pretends to not tolerate hyper-critcism, let me add that my 'dawgs' and 'snaps' comments are not KKK propaganda (despite my somewhat unfortunate initials). The people I picture saying these things are Fred Durst-like morons. Guys who come from Manhattan Beach, or indeed Manhattan, and act like they come from Compton or Harlem. I personally find this way more offensive than anything else. But maybe that's just me.

Anyway, back to this magnificient motion picture...
The dialogue is so sub-par that I suspect some intern who's never smoked or seen weed in his life was asked to write it while the crew were getting high. Then, because they were so high, they didn't realize how bad the dialogue was and so they just went with it.
It could also be that they have no acting talent whatsover. But who cares? They smoke weed! On screen! 'Ooooh, snap!' On top of that, they take toilet humor to a whole new level: the literal one. A character named 'Big Shit' clogs toilets with shit. 'Snap! Let's spark up!'
And there's a Hispanic (well, Mexican, really) gangster called Dirty Sanchez. This shit (literally) is hilarious, dawg!

There are SNL skits that looked more realistic and that were better acted than this.
And 'the hood?' It looked a lot like Westwood to me. But that's understandable. Had they tried to film this piece of shit (literally) in the actual 'hood' (if there is such a thing anymore), the whole cast and crew would have been shot on sight. And rightly so. I know this was actually a very racist comment, because you've probably inferred from my statement that all people from 'the hood' have guns. Well, no. I'm just saying all people from the US have guns. And the people from 'the hood' would have a motive as well as reasonable cause.

You know how bad this got for me? It got so bad that I sometimes caught myself wishing I were watching 'Titanic' instead. That's just wrong.

Fair enough: I am obviously and absolutely not the target audience for this. Because I have a brain, or at least I like to think so (because no matter how much brain I have, it still tells me that I do have enough brain... Are you following this?).
If you're an 18-year-old college stoner and you think you're so 'gangsta' because you dress just like MTV told you to, and you think you're a total rebel because you spark up a spliff every day, then this film is for you.

I realize I sound elitist, but you know what? I'm old enough to say I truly don't give a shit if I come off as being elitist. I'm saying people who like this kind of films are morons. I'm not saying I'm smart. I'm just saying I'm smarter than the people who have enjoyed this film. You should also know that some parts of the 'Harold & Kumar' films made me laugh, so I am not above 'stoner humor.' But this film? Nope. Couldn't even crack a smile. Sure, I wasn't high, but I wasn't sober either (because why should I be?).

And if there are people who bought the DVD because they just had to watch it again, then shit... I think euthanasia is in order. The DVDs should be booby-trapped (Ooooh! Snap! He said 'booby!')
so that whoever buys this would/should die. That would make the world a better place. Plus there'd be a sudden surplus of weed for us all to enjoy as we watched 'The Big Lebowski' for the hundreth time.

Best thing about this film? It's only 76 minutes long. Worst thing about it? These are 76 minutes of my life I'll never get back.

How the fuck was a film like that greenlit in the first place?! Well... We live in a world where Tyler Perry exists and where 'Vertigo' is deemed better than 'Citizen Kane.' Really? 'Vertigo?' I like it all right and I'm happy for Boileau-Narcejac (yeah, just like everybody else, I'm sure), but better than 'Psycho,' 'Rear Window,' 'North by Northwest?' Really?!

Fuck that shit. I'm getting high, dawg!

Oh, snap! Let's play some Dirty South Bass!

Casa De Mi Padre

IMDb Link

Let me start by saying I am a big Will Ferrell fan and he makes me giggle like nobody else can. Let me also start, albeit as a second point, by saying that I didn't know what to make of this at first. Obviously, it was a comedy, but it took me a little while to realize where the humor lay. Then I got it, and damn it: I wish I had been high.

'Being high' comment put aside, I like to think I know a thing or two about films. I'm no expert, but I've seen my share of films. This movie is, I suppose, making fun of low-budget Mexican cinema. And that's cool. But if I have no idea if that's the case or not, do the other people?
Well, some do... I am guessing this film was made for the Mexicans living in the US. Again: that's cool. I mean, it's smart: it's a big community and lots of cash is to be had there. But... I did laugh quite a few times, but sometimes I 'merely' smiled, figuring that what I was watching was some kind of reference that Mexicans would get, but I totally didn't. That made me feel a bit left out.

I mean, what's next? An Uzbek-road movie spoof? A Nicaraguan coming-of-age spoof? A Nepalese rom-com spoof? I am not saying these would be bad, just that, well... it kinda alienates the audience. A bit. I am sure many Mexican films are being spoofed in this here movie, but the only people who'd get all those references, apart from the director, would be Alfonso Arau and Robert Rodriguez. And I'm sure Tarantino would totally pretend that he got it, too.
Speaking of which: what Grind House does, pretending to be tongue-in-cheek but deep-down feeling like they are artists, this film does by not using crappy film stock or horrible acting or bad directing. Just cheesy-directing, obviously done on purpose. Plus it makes you smile, and sometimes even laugh. And, I can't stress this enough: no horrible grainy 70s film stock. That counts for something.

Anyway, they do take that 'low-budget cheese' to a whole new level. Look at the 'extras' in the background, who are actually mannequins, the fake-looking sets, the 'car' finding a parking spot, the weird editing 'mistakes,' the 'crew' seen in reflections. And of course: one of the weirdest, cheesiest 'sex scenes' ever (the weirdest is still the one from 'Team America.' Fuck, yeah!).

But that's the thing... I noticed these things, as many people have too, of course. And that makes it funny.
But first-degree idiots (I didn't say 'Americans.' I almost did, but I didn't) will think the dialogue is bad and the film is just not funny because no one mentions dicks or shit. Well, okay, there is a dick joke, but I suspect this was put in because of the test audiences who probably wrote: 'What the fuck? This ain't
in American and there are no dick jokes!'

I would like to also say that the 'musical numbers' are, of course, cheesy but... I actually enjoyed them! Come on: 'A Whiter Shade of Pale' in Spanish? Awesome! The other songs and the music was also quite beautiful. Yes, yes: I said it: beautiful. But I'm a typical gringo. Give me a non-Gringo tempo and non Anglo-Saxon lyrics and I wax lyrical, thinking I am a cultured person who loves the world. (But, no, really: I really liked the music!)

So, what's the point of this film, aside from the humor (which, let's face it is already more than enough)? Well, I have a Spanish-speaking friend and I like to speak 'Spanish' to him saying things like 'Muy caliente! Puneta! Caramba!' And other vaguely offensive shit. My guess is that Will Ferrell finds speaking Spanish as amusing as I do, but he can have a film made around that. At the risk of repeating myself: that's cool.

On top of that, you have Nick Offerman, who as always totally rules. 'Do you speak American,' encapsulate the arrogance of the US of A. It's also pretty fun to see Bernal (that dude just rules. I'm not ashamed to say  I got a total man-crush on him) and Luna in a film again. Although I kept expecting a 'Y Tu Mama Tabien' reference... Although maybe there were some that I missed.
Or I guess you could also argue that this is could totally be a sequel.

The parts where I laughed most were Will trying to put the girl on the horse (what can I say, I'm a fool for slapstick), the bad guy smoking two cigarillos at once, and the wedding scene, with the groom smoking (and when later on he's fighting and enjoying a drink). Also, the guy with a bullet hole calmly sitting and smoking.
It doesn't take much to make me laugh, what can I say... Apparently I'm a sucker for 'smoking humour,' which is good since half the jokes fit in that very category. I'm not even exaggerating, see the sequence after the credits if you don't believe me. But I also loved Emilio Sanchez's 'message' (even though, or perhaps because, it made me think of the Monty Pythons, or Les Nuls).
And the 'vision' was awesome (and it had more 'smoking humour').

Shit, they even managed to fit a reference to Eisenstein. I hadn't seen that since Woody Allen (and, well, DePalma).

Oh, and of course, it would be weird if I didn't mention it: the girl is super hot. I really felt I had to mention that. Because she really, really is.
La chica es muy caliente!

So, it's an unusual film and its humor is pretty off beat. I enjoyed it, I laughed, I giggled and I am guessing it's the kind of film that gets better the more you watch and which will be a quotable classic in the not-so-distant-future. I am also guessing that as Borat pissed of Kazakhs, this film will piss off Mexicans if you quote it to them. So, you know: don't.

PS: Completely unrealted, but disturbing nonetheless... The Turkish wine I was drinking while watching this film tasted like Bulgarian rakia. Again: unrelated. But pretty weird, no?

Get The Gringo

IMDb Link

If 'Midnight Express' offended and keeps on offending the Turks (who, let's face it, are not the most
forgiving people), even though the prison depicted in the film looks better than most neighborhoods in Istanbul (oh, no he didn't!), anyway, this being said...
If the Turks are pissed off at 'Midnight Express' (ME, haha), then the Mexicans should take arms and rebel against 'Get The Gringo,' because all the clichés are there. And then some. It feels and looks like 'GTA' meets 'Max Payne' (the games, not the film) meets 'Escape from LA.' Meets Robert Rodriguez.

But, hey: at least the main actor is known for his positive reinforcment and love of humanity. Oh, wait...
Well... Shit... After the antisemitic rants and the anti-Russian-wife threats and the anger towards screenwriters, I guess the only next logical step had to be Mexicans. And of course only a white man could sort out all the shit that's going on in the Mexican penal system. And then there are massive shoot-outs with no repercussions whatsoever (okay, no: I am lying, the repercussions do happen. A week or so later). And apparently people can just leave whenever they want to, or whenever they get an ID. 'Heeey, preeson ees notheen' maaan!'

So he's in a Mexican prison. Where women live and there are children. And guns. So, he's basically in Tijuana, but not Tijuana to not insult too  many people. It is renamed 'The Little Village' (at least I think that's what El Pueblito means. Maybe it means 'He Who Hates Foreigners.'), and it is a maximum security prison. But, you know: women and children.
So thanks to the rather loose security, he forms a bond with a kid (how original, right?) and there's even a kind of love story (with a woman, not the kid. Don't be a perv'.) Also, I realize that it might all be part of the character and shit, but at this point hearing Mel Gibson say: 'These two coons start shooting,' sounds more offensive than any line from any Tarantino film. I agree I am getting too PC for my own good in my old age, but come on... It's Mel Gibson: the crazy racist drunk. And he makes racist speeches in his films? Is Icon backed by the KKK at this point? Or Mengele's great-grandson? (To avoid any kind of libel suit, allow me to state that I do not believe Icon is backed by the KKK since the KKK is not actually needed at this point in Icon's history.) It's even worse when you realize that Gibson is one of the writers, so he probably wrote that one line and then got drunk and demanded a writing credit.

I realize that everything I've written almost makes this film sound pretty awesome. And it sometimes is. The opening is quite cool and there are some nice scenes. Furthermore, unlike any prison movie ever, there are no rape scenes. I'm not complaining about that, but it is a bit weird. Then again, there are women and whores who visit regularly, so this might explain that. Although, there is an attempted man-on-woman rape, but come on: they're Mexicans, so you know that's normal for them, or at least that's probably what the director and writers think. I'm surprised we don't see anyone wearing a sombrero asking where the tequila's at.

Although, apparently, El Pueblito is a real location. So if there are actual places like that in this world, well then... This reinforces my hate for humanity even more. Plus I'm shocked to learn that corruption in Mexico exists. Actually, this was a nice line at the beginning... A Mexican cop tells an American cop: 'Look, you're corrupt, we're corrupt. The only difference is that we're honest about it.'

Anyway, I didn't hate the film. If you forgo reality and think of it as a graphic novel or a game, then it can be
pretty entertaning. When I say forgo reality, I am serious... During a surgery in which two people have their
bodies wide open (literally), two gun men enter the place. Yeah, well: germs. The two people are goners.
Unless cordite is super good on open wounds, I don't know. Yes, this is actually the one thing that made me think: 'Hmm... That can't happen in real life.' I am weird that way.

The only problem is: it's neither a graphic novel nor a game. You can feel that the director sometimes tries
to make you think it's a Tony Scott film, but it ain't. It's all over the place, it can't decide whether it's a comedy, a fun action film, or a serious drama. It's not boring per se, but, well... It's all over the place. But, again: it is pretty entertaining and being entertained isn't a bad thing at all, is it?

Also, I realize I am mentionning this whenever I write about a Mel Gibson film, but I still expected him to put on nipple clamps and run around making Daffy Duck sounds. But apparently he only does that when he thinks he's not being recorded.

Coming soon: 'Get The Gringo 2.' The Gringo is in Afghanistan, in a prison and all the prisoners are terrorists and they're of course all competing on who's got the most fabulous facial hair. Mel Gibson manages to eradicate terrorism in the world.

Shit, better yet: 'Get The Gringo 3,' starring Mel Gibson. The Gringo's in Israel...

PS: I loved the Volkswagen graveyard location. And it's always nice to see Peter Stormare.

Baraka

IMDb Link

In a word: Wow.

After watching it, I told a friend: 'I've just watched Baraka. I now hate humans even more.' To which he replied: 'It's even worse now than when they shot it.'
It sure is.

Incredible images that you have to see on a big screen or at least in high definition. Very, very high def. The quality of the images and of the sound is primordial, since that's what this is all about.

So, yes it has beautiful images, but also disturbing ones, and it's a wonderful film, an obvious labor of love. I sometimes smiled and, yes, I'm not ashamed to admit it, I sometimes shed tears at the stupidity of humanity.

Because, yes: it makes you think about nature and the nature of humans. We're on this planet and we're supposedly superior beings. We demolish in a split second what took thousands of years to be.
What we call animals just chill. Meanwhile we rush around and live in filth and we keep on reproducing.
What's a savage? A person who lives in small tribes, more or less happily, or the so-called civilized people,
rushing around like mindless drones, living off trash, creating trash, exploiting one another as well as other species for our instant gratification? Our nicotine buzz, our sex drive, our desire to be 'civilized,' ignoring what these cost to the people who work ceaselessly to provide us with said-gratifications.

Seeing this film makes you think that we, as humans, do not deserve this planet and we do not deserve life because it was given to us and we're squandering it away. In short, no surprise there: we're morons. We build, we build and then we build some more and we kill and we exploit and we don't realize that we're being exploited by our own greed. And we've been doing it since for ever.
At the risk of repeating myself: truly, we are fucked. And watching this film 20 years after it was shot reinforces this.

We live in slums and filth and we keep on mulitplying and we keep on asking for more. We pray, we kill, we dance. Sometimes we fuck. That's what we are. So, please: let's not say we are animals. That is just unfair to the animals. Let's say that the animals are lucky not to be humans.

Yes, we are capable of building or creating works of great beauty, but we always end up destroying them.
Or nature claims them back. So what's the point of it all?

By the way, and this is an important point: Because I am a misanthrope doesn't mean that the director is.
Quite the contrary, I do believe the director is saying that yes: we are sometimes complete assholes and we turn to shit whatever we touch. But... But we are also capable of beauty and understanding. And this point is exemplified by this film. So what I gleaned from this film might not have been the director's main point. But I suspect it might be.

My only small criticism, which is going to make me sound like the kind of people I hate, but oh well... When religions are first shown, we are shown Judaism first. When atrocities are first shown, we are shown Auschwitz first. This feels a bit too subjective. But, okay, whatever. In the end they're showing that no matter what your faith is, it's pretty much the same as all the other ones. You chant, you pray. You can pray all you want, we're all doomed anyway.

So, most religions are the same, they're all silly and pointless. And when we see a religious ritual we're not familiar with, we either laugh and point, shaking our head and calling the people silly. Or we recoil in horror and call them barbarians. Meanwhile we forget the one thing all religions claim to preach: tolerance.

The greatest day in the history of the universe will be when we, as a species, will be wiped out, as is bound to happen because frankly: we're fucking it all up. Good riddance. The world will go on. Let's hope the Mayans were right. Although since they were humans and thus assholes, they probably weren't.

Well, fuck.

Coming up after these messages: the genocide of the humans by the humans continues! But first, a message from our sponsors to make sure you keep on buying shit.

PS: Completely unrealted and attempting to end this on a lighter note: How's that for a name: Baraka O'Bama. Notice the Irish touch.

God Bless America

IMDb Link

Oh. My. God: There are other people out there who feel the same way I do.

I want to meet Mr Goldwaith and hug him and buy him a drink. And then punch him in the face, because fuck: I wish I'd written this film. Then hug him again, apologize for the punch, and buy him another drink.

How did this get passed the censorship bureau? I mean, the MPAA. And I'm sure that as soon as you buy this film or even add it to your cart (as I have), your get flagged by the CIA/FBI/NSA. Because, you know: freedom. And I certainly hope that Mr Goldwaith will enjoy the rest of his life in Gitmo. Because, you know, again: freedom.

This is pure unadulterated fun written by a funny and very pissed off man. (For the record, I enjoyed 'Shakes the Clown,' thinking it was kinda fucked up. But this is way more fucked up and better.)

The screenplay could have been written by the love child of George Carlin and Lewis Black. It decries all the absurdities of the modern US:. The mindless TV shows, the narrow-minded bigoted selfish 'patriots,' the lack of civilization and manners, the hypocrisy of the system, the lack of job security, the crumbling down of social interactions, the obsession with making everything 'extreme.' And high-fives. And Diablo Cody.

It's all there. I don't want to give you examples, because I don't want to spoil anything for you (for once), but the end message is: we've turned into a nation of spoiled brainless cunts.

I did say 'we.' I am American and I know I'm a brainless cunt. Which makes me slightly less brainless and less cunty by, well, a cunt's hair. But, to my credit, I made it out of the country before I turned into a complete robot (or did I? How can I know?).

So, back to the USA as a nation of cunts...
How did this happen? There was a time when saying you were American held some kind of positive meaning. These days, we're a nation of fat lazy hypocrites who support our troops, while turning a blind eye to the genocides happening around the world, and voting for the best New Jersey Douche, the Best Talentless Singer, the Most Fearless Dickwad, etc... etc... etc...
Reality TV? What kind of reality is this? It's certainly not MY reality. A bunch of rich whiny brats? That's not even escapism, or 'love to hate' kind of shit. It's pure and simple dumb entertainment. Makes me think of Frankie Boyle, wondering why TV execs bother with showing us these shows anymore since someone jangling a set of keys at the camera and saying 'Look at the shiny-shiny!' would serve the same purpose. And of course: 'Futurama's' Hypnotoad also comes to mind.

Hey, isn't it interesting that to berate pop culture, I've just used two examples from pop culture? It's a vicious circle. We're all fucked. And we're being fucked on a daily basis. The difference is that I know this is happening, so I lube up. It makes it less painful.

All I can say is that I agree 100% with everything the main character says and I've had the same fantasies he's having (involving a gun and obnoxious people).

Okay, not to sound like a gushing fan and to be fair: it does feel a bit like this film is a way for the writer/director to air out all of his grievances and the story, in the beginning, is a bit clichéd in a 'worst day ever' kind of thing. But then he decides to right all the wrongs. And it's awesome and it's violent and it's sometimes unexpected and the comedy is dark as hell.
There are also some rather big plot holes, but really: who cares? Also, my guess is that Mr Goldwaith is a big 'Man Bites Dog' fan.
To be even more fair, it does drag a wee bit towards the end, because it sometimes feels like Goldwaith is making a list of all the things he hates about modern-day America and we know how it's all going to end.

This film also reminded me of 'Falling Down,' where someone just can't take it anymore (yeah, like 'Network,' too) and in the end this person goes too far and is vilified and becomes the bad guy. Well, fuck: if being good means being a mindless robot-consumer, fine: label me a bad guy. Which now reminds me of a George Carlin quote: 'I guess I'm not a very good American, because I like to form my own opinions.'

Yes, they (the protagonists, not the filmmakers) take it a little too far and it makes you wonder, for a second: 'Well, did they really deserve to die?' Then you think: 'Is the world a better place without them?' And the answer is a loud, resounding 'YES.' So, murder is, well: murder. But then there's Darwinism. But also, there's a fine line between hero vigilante and homicidal maniac.
I guess, shit, bad news friend: but in the end you're gonna have to decide on your own what kind of people they are: heroes or maniacs. Or both. (This brings up yet another quote, from the 'Three Amigos:' 'We're just gonna have to use our brains. Damn it!')

So, yeah: I liked the film.

The opening scene alone, involving the neighbors, is priceless. I can imagine American audiences gasping and saying: 'Oh, my God' -or what would pass for that if you could understand them while they were shoveling popcorn in their mouths- and then they'd get up from their seats, mumbling 'I don't think that's funny. I'm sorry, I just don't think it's funny.' And they'd go back to the box office to get reimbursed (which would be a word they didn't understand) and they'd buy a ticket for 'The Avengers,' 'Titanic 3-D' or whatever else would prevent them from forming any kind of thought. And of course, on their way to the new film, they'd buy another tub of popcorn and an extra-large bucket of bubbly syrup.

Ah, fuck... We're doomed. I can hear Nero playing his fiddle.

In the end, I guess all I'm saying is that the American media are now a giant nation-wide Ludovico Treatment and we are grinning volunteers, turning into junkies, asking for more. Wake up, America! There's a whole world out there, where people don't need corn syrup in everything they eat, where health-care is not regarded as a Communist plot and where you don't have to be a hypocritical, politically-correct, asshole in your day-to-day life.

Wake up. Get up. Stand up. And, you know... the other things Bob Marley sang about. As Eddy Izzard, and the main character in this film, pointed out: we're the new Roman Empire and we're way past our glory.

PS: It is so perfectly serendipitous that I watched this film on July 4th.

A Little Bit Of Heaven

IMDb Link

Be warned that I am spoiling the hell out this film. Consider yourself warned. Because I've just warned you.

My guess is that '50/50' started a trend: cancer is funny. Or trying to be, anyway. This is the dawn of the age
of the cancom. The difference here though is that '50/50' isn't all that bad. But, well, I'll be as obvious as the writing for this film was: 'A Little Bit of Heaven' felt like 'A Little Bit of Hell.' Well, no that's too harsh. 'A Little Bit of Purgatory,' maybe.

This is the ultimate romcom and when I say romcom I really mean chick flick: You got the goofy lonely girl,
with the goofy friendly gay neighbour and the goofy best friend and the emotionally-distant father (which I am guessing is the writer's way of saying that if the main character is kind of a whore, it's because she's got
daddy issues) and the goofy mother. She's brilliant at what she does and there's even a scene with her and her BFF in a convertible, singing along to the radio, because that's a scene no one's ever scene before. Ever. Oh, and the romantic interest is kinda goofy, too. And the dog is goofy. And the clouds in the sky and the lawn and the streets.
All goofy as fuck. Because they're de-dramatizing cancer. So it's gotta be goofy.

One day there'll be a goofy film about a nuclear holocaust and a goofy film about Auschwitz and a goofy film
about rape.

So, yeah: Goofy antics, then cancer, but still goofy, with sad moments because, you know: cancer. And of course the doctor is the guy she falls for.

Apparently, with chemo or with clinical drugs, having a drink is totally okay. And you puke once, but it still
kinda looks adorable. And then you get half a million from your insurance, so of course you take your friends on a shopping spree, because as we all know health care in the US is totally free and money is so not important in any way.
Fuck! Half a million? That would probably not even cover her surgery! And I'm talking about the surgery alone, not even the time spent in hospital and the treatments after that. Because it's America, where rich people get to live (Hooray! Cheney got a new heart!) and poor people die in the muck, Middle-Age style, because fuck you poor people, I didn't go to medical school to work for free and, like, save lives.

This being said I can't help but wonder: Is Hollywood trying to glam the fuck out of cancer? It's like: yeah, it's kinda sad, but hey: let's laugh about it. This reminds me of the 'South Park' 'AIDS is funny' episode.

By the way, completely off topic, but the main character's called Marley. Is that, like, a total 'Fuck you, Owen, try to kill yourself over me again?' I don't know, I'm just asking. Plus she does indeed end up like the dog, except it's not as sad.

Yes: I get it that this is a romcom and it can't be too depressing, but then why not just do away with the whole cancer story? Or it's not a romcom at all, it's a 'dramatic comedy.' Dramcom. Or cancom. Or romcom. How about doing away with the whole 'com' thing, since it was funny to begin with.

She could have an ingrown toenail. Or a big nose pimple. Or an ingrown hair on her nipple. These are all funny (as long as you don't have them, and when you do it's the worst thing ever. Or so I've heard.)

Also, because this is a Hollywood film, New Orleans is totally cool and hip and clean and friendly. There are no shady dudes telling you to follow them in alleys so you can show them how much money you've got on you (yes, it's happened to me) or squirting cum-like substances on your shoes (that also happened to me). Then again... well... those guys probably got wiped out by Katrina.

But, still: no drunk tourists and puke-inducing street walkers?? Have the floods really cleaned up New Orleans?

But I am being unfair, they do try to show the 'crazy' side of New Orleans with transvestites! OMG! Transvestites! That's Hollywood's idea of crazy debauchery!

Now's also a good time to mention that Gabriel Garcia Bernal is playing a doctor named Goldstein.
A Jewish doctor from Mexico? What was the point of that? Did they not know how to use the 'Replace' function in their screenwriting software when Bernal agreed to it? Or is that a 'joke?'
Well, shit. It's a cancer comedy, so I suppose a Mexican Jew is hilarious.

Speaking of the doctor, let's analyze this relationship: Mr Dreamy-Doctor, who's so funny and cute and cool and awesome, well he's sleeping with a girl who's his good-looking patient, and who will most probably die (and she totally does). If you're afraid of commitment, this is the ultimate fling. Not sure how Hippocrates would feel about this. To be fair, SHE mentions that to him, but he ends up acting like a Turkish teenager and telling her he loves her after, like, a week. And so: wow: drama! Because cancer is not drama enough! And because the screenwriter learned that drama was needed in the third act, so of course it's there. Crying, falling down, screaming, clichés, etc... It actually feels like it was written by a big fan of Kübler-Ross.

Let me also add that the main character keeps being a total bitch to her mother. I get it that there's probably some history between the two, but we're never shown or told it. And Kathy Bates keep being nothing but nice, so the main character ends up looking like a total bitch. I think this might be the prequel to 'Misery.' It would explain so much.

And the main character also keeps teaching the kid that Barbie's totally fake and to answer: 'I'm not only pretty, I'm smart!' and that's cool. But meanwhile, the main character and her friend are sleeping around as if it was going out of style. Okay, good for them. But, come on: using your looks to fuck the shit out of the world? That shows that you're smart?
I know, it's all about woman power: it's women who choose when sex happens, women buy condoms, women fuck around and are successful, women decide when to break up or reinitiate a relationship. Sure.
But why do they still come off as being slutty? (even though, let me be clear, most totally aren't, although the
main character, by her own admition was oversexed as a kid)

Yeah, yeah: coz of the phallocentric propaganda being hammered into our brains from the time we are born until the time we die.
Grab your walkwoman, read a HERstory book and fuck off.

Before I get accused of being a heartless bastard, I have to say I've been feeling pretty emotional lately,
I've actually shed tears while watching 'Le Zapping' and have cried while watching a film not long ago (I won't tell you which one). So... I am not a robot. But this was so obviously trying to make me cry that it failed. Come on: the minute you hear one of the friend's pregnant, you KNOW she'll give birth at the same time as the main character dies (and it TOTALLY happens!)

And what's the message in the end? You suffer, you die and a little while later all the people you loved are dancing, drinking, having fun. The man you loved is flirting with women, your dog has forgotten you and your parents are in love again. In other words: your time here is completely pointless. You die, and oh well: People will move on.

Shit, maybe this was a pretty deep movie after all.

PS: Who's actually shorter? Peter Dinklage or Senior Bernal? Doesn't matter, I like them both. Just wondering.

PPS: What about this as an alternative title: 'Even Whores Get Cancer'
I'm kidding, Jesus, get off your high horse! Or your non-veritcally-challenged mare or whatever.

Machine Gun Preacher

IMDb Link

WTF? Is this a propaganda film backed by the pope? Well, no, of course it isn't. The pope doesn't give a shit about Africa. But it does feel preachy and propaganda-ish.
When I first started watching, I thought: 'If it's not based on a real story, then it's 100% propaganda.
If it IS based on a real story, then it's only 90% propaganda.' Well, turns out it's based on a real story.

So here are the problems I have with this here film...

The guy comes out of prison, screams at his wife because she's found a real job and quit her pole dancing, then he shoots up in a bathroom and robs a dealer at gun point (shooting a couple of guys in the process) then stabs a crazy guy.
In other words, he's a junkie asshole (so: an asshole) with murder in his heart.
But then, he goes to church one day and he finds God and he starts to do good to people: he goes to Africa, he builds a church and an orphanage and all that.

Speaking of a church: During a village attack, the safest place for everyone to go to? The church. Yes. Put the whole village in an inflammable enclosed space. Good call. But, hey: the Lord protects them, so that's cool.

Also, it seems the only 'local' word he knows is 'yallah.'
To be fair, at some 'emotional point' in the film, his friend asks him if he really thinks God will forgive them for everything they've done and he can't answer that. Then again, he'd just sniped a kid. And, right after that, because in films all the doubts are piled on in the same 5 minutes, he's called a mercenary and he's talked about in the same way Kony was talked about at first.

Because, yes, this is about the shit Kony does. You know: Kony, the African flavor of the month,
supplanting the Somali pirates and the Darfour atrocities. Kony is the new guy to hate, didn't you get the memo? Haven't you read all the angry Tweets about him? Yes, you should hate him. Until we all forget about him and move on and let him massacre some more people.

I have to say I am starting to wonder about Michael Shannon. When he first appeard on the screen I thought it was cool because he was so completely different from his psycho character in 'Boardwalk Empire.' But he ends up being 'saved,' too. So he ends up being a religious nut. I at least expected him to try to touch Butler's girl or sleaze on Butler's wife. But, no. He's just a good guy now. Thanks to God. Hallelujah. All it takes after a life of assholeishness is 10 minutes in a church. And then you're a saint. Until your friend says something kinda mean about you. Then you die.

Also, and I'll probably go to hell for saying this (although all I've got to do is get baptized and repent and then
it's Heaven for little old me!), but the Africa scenes felt clichéd as hell. Yes, it is horrible what's going on there, but it felt like the director and screenwriter got a program called 'African-atrocities randomizer' and ended up getting villages being burned, kind white people helping helpless black people, mines, limbless people, children and women being super sad but putting on a brave face, etc... The only thing missing, surprisingly, is the main evil guy dressed in a military outfit, with a beret and mirrored sunglasses, smoking a cigar and justifying himself to the white man.

Then there's one kid who's looking for his family, but to make sure that white audiences recognize him whenever he's on screen, he's got a big scar on his face. Because: Awww, a kid with a scar. Poor dude (and if the scar is real, and it looks like it is, then really: poor dude!). But I can imagine the producers talking: 'Yeah, this is an unflinching hard-hitting gritty authentically real look at what's going on in the country of Africa [sic]. Those poor guys. So, let's cast a kid. But, and you know I'm not a racist, but they kinda all look the same, so make sure you get a kid with a feature that makes him stand out. Like a scar or something. Or maybe DiCaprio could do it? A bit of shoe polish could do the trick, what do you think?'

So, yeah: everyone is always depressed in Africa. Except when white people come to help. Then they're thankful and grateful. And of course the white people back in America live lavishly, wasting money, drinking booze and not giving a shit about anything. Well, okay, that last part is true.

But, hey, he really needs money, he's pissed off, he says the devil wins if he doesn't get money so he makes the ultimate sacrifice... This being America, he... wow... this is so emotional, I have a hard time saying it. But, no, I must be strong and tell it the way it is. Otherwise the devil wins... So... He decides to sell... his guns. My God. His guns! What kind of world do we live in where a white man has to sell his GUNS to help black kids in Africa?

Speaking of guns, correct me if I'm wrong, but where in the Bible does it say: 'Thou shall not kill, unless the person you want to kill is an asshole, in which case: knock yourself out.' I realize holy books have been misinterpreted even since they were mass-printed (and probably even before that), but still... It seems wrong to kill people, without a trial or anything, even if they are clearly evil. Hell, from their point of view, they're doing the right thing (which, let me be clear I do not condone in any way shape or form. Nor do I condone a white man killing them. Then again, they are forcing children to kill their parents, so fuck them).

And of course, the evil Muslims killing the innocent Christians have RPGs and machine guns and the ones protecting themselves don't even know they should clean their weapons (until a white man tells them to, that is). And the (black) nurse helping a wounded kid needs to be told by the white man: 'Tell her she's gonna be ok!' And so she does. Thank you, white man! I was going to tell her: 'You're about to die now.'

Oh, did I mention that at some point he turns into Rambo, finds weapons and starts kicking ass? Well, he does. He becomes an RPG-launching, sniping sharp shooter running faster than bullets. Because he's a white man, don't you know. But we never see him telling the kids: 'Well, I'm giving you all this shit. You're welcome. Now all you gotta do is accept Jesus Christ as your savior and speak English. And also, probably, at some point some priests might come and touch you in your private place. You're welcome.'

As you might have guessed by now, I didn't really like this film. The only interesting thing is that he becomes so obsessed with helping the African orphans that he forgets to give a shit about his family and friends. That would have been a better film: him being so blinded by the need to 'do good' that he becomes an asshole. Also, it's only towards the end, when his friend dies, that he finally asks where God is, that he's through with Him. Okay... Your friend dying must be a horrible thing and I understand that your faith would be shaken. But I'd think you could have asked yourself this question when you saw a boy trigger a land mine. Or see a pile of burned children.

And then, as mentioned before, he goes full Rambo. I kept expecting him to shoot some military asshole in the face before ripping his clothes off and screaming: 'THIS IS... PENNSYLVANIAAAA!'

In concluding, respect to Childers for actually doing something and giving a shit and shooting what I like to call the Kony Kunts (it's got a good ring to it, no?). Helping because you care about other humans is great. Helping because you think God wants you to is weird, but okay, fine. As long as you don't indoctrinate the people you're helping, then good for you, good for them. There should be more people like that.

Hey, white Christians: you really wanna help Africa? I'd say either a)Leave it the fuck alone or b)Encourage the use of condoms.

Oh, but no, rubber on your dick's a sin! Plus if people suffer less, then you'd have no reason to go there and pretend to care.

Iron Sky

IMDb Link

The only reason I watched this film is because of the soundtrack and I admit that when, as the opening credits were rolling, I saw: 'Music Laibach' I got kinda tingly. But I did expect, right at the beginning, some kind of gut-punching anthem such as 'Tanz mit Laibach' or 'Achtung.' Alas, it's more of a subdued, classical-sounding NSK sampler we get here. Although, for one, albeit all too brief, second we do hear 'Tanz Mit Laibach,' to my greatest joy. And sorrow. Because, really: one second is just not enough.
Then of course you have the whole WWII theme which is dear to my heart. Seriously: Moon Nazis. How cool is that? Honestly, sounds less ridiculous than Abe the Vampire Killer.

And hey: What a surprise! A weird film about weird Germans in a weird world. Starring Udo Kier! At this point, I am guessing that Udo lives like a Roman Emperor, or the Hedonism Bot from 'Futurama,' and between two orgies he claps his hands excitedly and says: 'Oh, yes, yes! Write me a new strange picture where I can be strange.' And so his minions comply.
And voilà. I am not complaining, mind you. I am merely explaining the process behind Kier's projects.
In this film, he's not just a weirdo. He's not just a space nazi. He's the Totenkopf-wielding Fuhrer.

Apart from Nazis, you have Americans and I admit that I loved the whole 'Yes, She Can' slogan for the American (woman) president, and how she looks like Palin. And how American seem way sillier than Nazis.

Indeed, this is a comedy and humor is omnipresent. For example, when they mention Chaplin's 'The Great Dictator,' saying it's a short pro-Nazi film. Or: 'The suspect is a negro [which is not the accurate translation of what they're saying, by the way]. Unarmed, but possibly angry.'

Yes, at the end of the day, it is a silly, silly film that defies all rules of logic. And by that I mean that Nazis in Space is the most believable thing. The acting is sub-par, especially in the beginning, and it feels like a students' project with a big budget, done for shits and giggles. Seriously, it feels like it was written by a very stoned person who read way too much Ian Kershaw and William Shirer. And that's cool. It also sometimes feels like a 'Saturday Night Live' skit (it's about the same length as one, too), with some 'Dr Strangelove' references.
I admit that making fun of North Korea was funny and acknowledging the swastika originated from India was nice. And the savior ship's name made me giggle, too.

Also, as I mentioned earlier, this is a film not so much about Nazis, but about how silly America is, and so I can't hate it all that much because of that.

At least there's a pretty hot Nazi/friendly woman, so it's not a complete waste of time. The fact that in her 'American' outfit she looks like a drummer-girl from Laibach doesn't hurt much either (and when her hair's down she's down-right super hot). And the American Goebbels-like (minus the club foot) dominatrix is not bad either. Okay, she's actually super hot. Probably because of all that leather.

Speaking of Goebbels, it is funny how the film turns the Palin-esque American president into a Hitler-esque
one, thanks to the work of the Goebbels-esque (Rove?) hot woman.

Beware of false prophets!
Yes, I do think this is film's message, by the way: beware of messages and propaganda and brain-washing. And stupidity, obviously.

This being said, the 'African-American' stereotypes are pretty cringe-worthy. I guess that's not so much racist as European, though. Because black dudes are all about being called Washington (although a portrait of George Washington is featured prominently at some point) and playing basketball and carrying guns. Not to propagate this racism, but I have a feeling that the main actor, meaning the black astronaut, didn't really know what Nazis were whenm he signed on for this film. 'Nazis? You mean like Klingons and shit? Okay: cool!'

So... It is pretty much a dud, not a film I'll watch again and a film I probably wouldn't have watched if it hadn't been for Laibach. But it's a camp comedy and I'm guessing that if you're stoned enough it could be kind of funny. Worst case scenario: hot girls in tight leather.

PS: Me thinks that the ginormous Swastika moon-base would have given Adolf and Speer a raging hard-on. Come to think of it, I am sure that even in their putrefied states they're still hard for eternity.

The Grey

IMDb Link

Well, if you don't like flying, or if you're afraid of dogs/wolves, you might want to give this film a skip. I hate flying and I had no idea what the story was about and now my insomnia is somehow gonna get much worse. I'm already stressing out about the hypothetical next time I'm gonna fly.

But... Back to the film... Starts with some zen bullshit about a suicidal sniper. Then there's a big plane crash.
Then you expect to watch 'Alive 2.0.' Or 'The Thing' (creature killing people in the snow) Or 'The Edge' (animal(s) stalking people) Or 'The Blair Witch Project' (evil thing killing people in a forest) or 'Cliffhanger' (high altitude, snow) or 'Better Off Dead' (because: snow. Plus the title would totally fit this film). If you've seen 'The Player,' you just KNOW that's how this film was pitched. so, anyway, you know: snow. (that rhymed by the way. Respect.)
And, yeah: That's pretty much what you get. To their credit, they do mention 'Alive' early on.

Neeson is pretty awesome as the sad/honest/ruthless guy, as always. But there is so much death and so much snow and his character misses his wife so much... I mean... Did the director say: 'So, Liam, yeah... Don't think about your wife who died in a freak ski accident a couple of years ago.' I don't want to sound like an asshole, and I don't think I am because I was thinking about his wife the whole time he
was talking about death or loss. Was this film his therapy? If yes: Okay, cool. If no, then: damn! Liam's
a tough mofo. Speaking of which, I don't know why, but it's weird to hear him say the 'F word.' And by 'the F word,' I don't mean 'Flying' or 'Funicular' or 'Fennel.' I do indeed mean 'fuck.' I don't even know why I'd censor myself at this point. Except for my own amusement.

Anyway... So, the film's about people who are dying, plus it's cold. And then wolves come into the picture. Quite literally. Well, I mean they come into the movie. Not wolves actually orgasming on screen. Although...

So, there's a whole ecological theme (they work for an oil-drilling company, 'We don't belong here!' or 'You're not the animals, we are the animals!'), which I find boring. And of course in the group there's an asshole/idiot/doubter and there's a religious/spiritual guy and there's a (and here I'll use a 'South Park' character's name) Token Black (who's the only one who can't handle the high altitude. I shit you not.) and there's a dude who strays from the group and a second after thinking that he's gonna die, he totally does. I might be wrong, but this might be a textbook definition of predictability.

By the way, I get it that Neeson's character is all zen about death, but you see it once, you go: 'Yeah, okay.' Then twice and you go: 'Hmm... Why not.' You see it three times and you go: 'We get it already!' Although him looking at the sky and talking to God and calling Him/Her/It 'motherfucker' is pretty cool (previous feelings of 'uncomfortability' related to his real life not withstanding). I half-expected a Terry Gilliam animation to appear, or a big bare foot to squish him. Same difference.

All in all, it's about a group of guys who bond and try to survive, so they fight and they talk, and I have
nothing against that... But it just felt so... 'Blah.' I wasn't bored to tears, but I was not on the edge of
my seat, either. I did like the ending, which some people might think is unclear. But it's as clear as day in my opinion. And it's also the only logical ending. So if you're a logical person and know that this is about a bunch of dude stalked by wolves in bumblefuck, you can imagine how it ends. Or can you?

On a kind of side note, I have to say I really loved how the director switches from dreams to reality. Literally with a bang. Plus, all the fantasies/hallucinations all involve women/girls. Score one for the feminists: the female of the species is the male's reason to live! And, apparently, all males are fathers and they all carry pics of their children and, more surprisingly: they all have the same model of wallet (pleather, baby!). And on yet another side note: a letter written on a flimsy piece of paper will survive snow falling on it, tears, sweat from fingers, fire from a plane crash and more snow and some white water bullshit. And then more snow.
I don't know what kind of paper he used for that letter, but damn. My theory about this film's secret meaning is that he used WOLF HIDE to write his letter. That's why it never gets damaged and why the wolves are after him. Think about it.

Oh, and wolves understand English, apparently.

By the way, Dermot Mulroney looks like, in this film, a slightly disfigured Robert Downey, Jr. And he is also a very underrated actor.

So, in concluding: the plane crash scene is not bad (but the tension leading up to is quite good), the dream scenes switching to reality are great. And fuck wolves. Seriously, if you ever see a wolf after watching this film, you'll want to punch it in its arrogant snout. And you totally should. And also: fuck snow. Literally, if you're into that kind of thing, but I meant figuratively. Wolves and snow deserve one another.

Oh, and of course: fuck nature. I get it, the whole film is saying: 'Joo fuck wid natoor? Then natoor's gonna fuck wid joo, ese!' In this scenario, nature is played by a caricatural Mexican gang-banger. However, if nature fucks with us, I say: 'Fuck you, nature!' I reckon the key word in this sentence might be 'fuck.' But it could be 'nature,' too. Think about it.

Now, I'll admit it: the howling and growling in the dark is spooky. Had I been in this situation, provided I had survided the crash, I'd have pooped my pants 3 times an hour, every hour. At the end of the day, some people might wax lyrical about this film being an allegory of death or whatever. But, no: It's about dudes trying to survive, and getting killed in the process. Well, actually, in the end it's about Hollywood wanting your money. But what isn't nowadays? So, yeah, ok. I've got another analysis about the film's secret meaning: The men represent audiences, trying to plow through their meaningless lives. The wolves are Hollywood and the kills represent blockbusters like 'Titanic,' or 'The Avengers.' And the snow, of course, represent the giga-kilos of coke they do to come up with ways to fuck you out of your money.

Think about it.

I am so gonna write the sequel, with dolphins replacing the wolves. This time the guys won't just get killed, they'll get raped first. It'll be: 'The Grey 2. This time they want to explore YOUR blow hole.'

I realize my opinion wavers back and forth in this 'review.' I have to say I didn't hate it, but I certainly didn't love it either. It was predictable, contrived and pointless. But at least people died, so that made my day.

PS: I know most Americans are dumb, but to see a wolf in Alaska and to ask: 'Was that a coyote?' Come on. Even dumb Americans grew up with Wile E. Coyote, who lived IN THE FUCKING DESERT! (well, it's kinda Monument Valley in the cartoons, but it sure ain't Alaska!). I'm guessing that if that character saw a polar bear he'd go: 'Woah! Is that a squirrel?!' And when he sees a car, he'll go: 'Hey, is that one of them bicycle contraptions?'

Polisse

Lien IMDb

Tel après avoir recu un coup de poing dans le plexus solaire, 'Polisse' vous laisse abassourdi, dérangé, choqué.

L'histoire suit un groupe de la BPM, la Brigade Pour Mineurs, et nous voyons leur quotidien, a l'hôtel de police ainsi que dans leur intimité. Le scénario est tellement bien écrit que l'on oublie que c'est un scénario.
Tout, du jeu des acteurs jusqu'à la réalisation vous fait penser que vous êtes en train de regarder un documentaire. Je me demande combien de scènes ont été improvisées.

Oui, c'est bien un film, mais basé, malheureusement, sur des faits véridiques et l'on se rend compte à quel point, si jamais'il  y avait encore un doute, les êtres humains peuvent être viles et moralement corrompus. Le pire c'est que les adultes qui branlent leurs petits ou les profs de gym qui violent leurs élèves dans les toilettes, ces gens sont tellement dans leur monde, sont en telle dénégation, qu'ils sont persuadés de ne rien faire de mal, à tel point qu'ils avouent tout sans se douter de s'incriminer.

Ce qui devient intéressant, et aussi surtout perturbant, est qu'après un moment nous commençons à voir tous les enfants comme des victimes potentielles et, ce qui est pire, de voir tous les adultes comme des pédophiles potentiels.

Là où le film marche vraiment bien est de montrer certains cas ambivalents, il commence même de cette facon, où des fois les enfants mentent, mais aussi où des fois il y a certains doutes sur la culpabilité des personnes. Pas beaucoup, mais certains.

De plus, je parlais de la véléité humaine, mais il faut aussi mentionner le contraire... La mère qui 'donne'
son enfant parce qu'elle ne veut plus qu'il soit SDF avec elle. C'est une scène horrible que de voir l'enfant
crier après sa mère et je me demande comment ils ont fait pour faire pleurer ce petit garçon comme ça pour le film...
Et n'oublions pas la BPM, qui est un groupe d'êtres humains qui essayent d'aider leurs prochains, qui essayent d'aider l'avenir, en aidant les enfants en danger. Car après tout, nous étions tous enfants il n'y a pas si
longtemps que ça et le générique du début nous le rappelle. D'abord en passant la musique de notre jeunesse (et de celle de l'équipe du film) de 'L'Ile Aux Enfants' et ensuite en ne montrant tout d'abord que le prénom des acteurs, comme s'ils étaient des enfants.

Donc oui, des êtres humains qui essayent d'avoir des rapports normaux quand ils ne travaillent pas, avec leurs doutes et leurs vicissitudes et leurs problèmes pour mener une vie normale car, quand on commence la journée en voyant 'le vagin défoncé d'une petite de 11 ans,' c'est à mon avis difficile d'aimer son prochain.
Ou alors, une scène horrible, de voir le petit corps mort, avorté, fruit d'un viol... Horrible, mais nécessaire
à voir, car ce genre de choses arrivent tout le temps, partout, et c'est trop facile de fermer les yeux et de dire 'oh, non, c'est trop horrible!'

Ceci dit, il y a aussi un peu d'humour. Noir, soit, mais de l'humour tout de même. Tous les policiers qui se marrent quand une fille trouve normal de sucer un group de types pour récupérer son portable. 'Ben, c'est
un bon portable quand même.' C'est horrible, mais aussi marrant, parce que des fois il faut en rire plutôt
que d'en pleurer.

J'ai aussi particulièrement aimé la scène où une policière (jouée par la réalisatrice) demande à un père "musulman" de lui montrer où c'est écrit dans le Coran que les femmes sont inférieures.

Seul petit point non nécessaire est la scène où toute la police est en embuscade dans un centre commercial.
C'est une petite pointe d'action à l'américaine qui casse un peu le rythme de l'histoire, mais elle ne dérange pas vraiment non plus.

Pour ce qui est des acteurs, Joey Starr est impressionant, je l'avoue. Mais Viard et Foïs sont tout simplement sublimes. C'est maintenant très difficile d'imaginer cetter dernière en tant que membdre des 'Robins des Bois.' Vraiment, la scène de l'engueulade fait tellement vraie que c'est incomfortable de la regarder.

Bref, pas vraiment un film qui donne la pêche, mais un film très intéressant, jamais ennuyant, puissant et à voir pour nourrir sa mysanthropie.

The Artist

IMDb Link (as if you've never heard of this film)

This is gonna be difficult for French hipsters... On the one hand, you got a film that innovates (by doing what was being done in the 20s), plus it's French. But everybody, audiences and critics alike, loves it! So French hipsters, by default, will have to hate this film, like they did 'Amélie.' Unless they are so hip that they say they like the film, to be ironic. So we're to believe they don't really like it, but they do only because it's ironic. But deep down they actually truly like it.

Wow, fuck. France is so complicated.

Anyway, I do understand why Americans love this film. First because yes: it's actually good. But also because it shows an era when films meant something, when people got dressed up to go see a motion picture, when seeing a movie wasn't about how much popcorn was sold, but how much joy you got from it.
And it's called 'The Artist.' Not 'The Actor.' So Hollywood goes gaga, saying: 'Yeah, we're artists! We're
sensitive and important!' (also, they totally plagiarize Stuart Staples, apparently)

And it's also a love story. Yes, the regular kind, but not only. This is a love story about cinema, this is a love story from a French man about American silent cinema.
Yes, the French invented cinema, Americans refined it, but then fuck it up, then the French came to the rescue. Then the Americans got inspired by them and managed to fuck it up again. And now the French raking in all the awards.

Wow, goddamn it: France is so cool.

Of couse, the film references are aplenty. There's a bit of 'A Star is Born,' some 'All About Eve,' some 'Singing in the Rain,' 'Sunset Boulevard' some Ginger & Fred, some... well... Keaton/Chaplin/Lloyd. Well, that was a bit lazy of me, really... I just said that because they're stars of the silent era. In a way, it's more Lubitsch or von Stroheim or Lang. Hmm... All totally American directors. And I want to say a bit of Sam Fuller (who, after all, was never truly appreciated in his own country, but found recognition and respect in France). And, yes, I'll dare say it: some Welles, too. Another genius who found refuge in France. Is anyone noticing a trend, here?

But it's deemed a great film because it's about the emergence of talking cinema and a guy who says he doesn't need sound for his films. And the film is silent. And it's winning every award in the world. Literally. I think the baker down my street just gave it 'The Kadıköy Bakers' Association Award for Excellence in a Motion
Picture.' But don't quote me on that. My Turkish is kinda bad. Maybe he was just asking me how many simits I wanted.

By the way, in passing, I just want to say I am a big big big fan of the two 'OSS 117' films and so whenever Dujardin laughs in 'The Artist,' I can imagine his OSS laugh... 'Maaahahahahahaaaa! Jaaack!'

Unfortunately, I am sure that right now studios are green-lighting the shit out of silent films, so they'll ruin
that, too. And that for me is irony...  You had silent cinema, then silent movies being usurped by talkies.
Then SFX and blah blah blah and some 80 years later, a silent film, going back to the roots! But then it's gonna get overdone. We'll probably get 'Avatar 2 in glorious black and white and silent! In golden-era-style 2D!'

Then again, since Mel Brooks' 'Silent Movie,' I haven't really seen an actual new silent film.

Re-by the way: How great is it that a movie produced by a company called 'La Classe Americaine' (which was an Hazanavicius 'film') gets all those awards? 'On va manger des chips!'

Back to the point, I admit that the sound effect sequence was as unexpected as it was cool, and I was really hoping that was going to become the main plot line, but when it didn't, I still enjoyed the film. Michel's done his research and, visually, the film is brilliant, guaranteed to give a boner to film students everywhere... Just look at the way Jean and Berenice talk when the former knows he's on his way down (literally) and she's on her way up... they're both on stairs, him looking up at her (literally) and she dominating. Even the boy toys are ahead of him at his point. Or when Dujardin's all sad, the cinema in the background is showing 'Lonely
Star.' And so on and so forth, I'll let you analyze the hell out of it on your own. Papers are due next week. Please double-space.

I am surprised Cromwell took on such a small role, where he pretty much reprises his role on 'Murder by Death.' Respect. He's the Stroheim to Dujardin's Swanson. From 'Greed' to 'Babe.' That's cool.
And I also find it pretty unfair that everyone congratulates Azanavicius and Dujardin only. Don't get me wring, they both deserve it, .but Ms Bejo is not talked about much. And yet she shines and she sparkles. But I guess some things never change. Be it 1929 or 2012, women are only women.

I of course also think that a special shout out to the composer is in order, because after all his music is all we hear for 90 minutes and it creates and/or complements the pace of the film perfectly. My guess is that he might not get the Oscar, maybe he won't even be nominated. And that would be sad and tragic and unfair. That would be Hollywood. Hey: that's kinda the whole point of this film!

Anyway, you know how I know it's fiction? Because we see a film set and the screenwriter has his own chair. On the set. With the word 'Screenwriter' written on it. Come on, that only happens in fiction. Or in Kadıköy (that's a Giyotin Film plug, y'all!).

So, yeah... In the end I admit I really enjoyed it, but I also don't completely get the world-wide adulation. I suspect it's because it's a film about the golden age of films, and it's silent and original and it makes us long for a time when things where simpler. Still fucked up, but simpler. And that's cool.
Plus I am really happy for Jean and Michel (yeah, we're on a first name basis by now) and I hope this is not going to go to their heads and that they won't start selling out or sucking.

'Si, ça sert de discuter! C'est toi qui as toujours raison!'