List of all the (new) movies seen this year, in order. Just because.
Which means all the movies I was too drunk to review on this blog...
The Fighter
Dinner for schmucks
L'age de raison
The Winning Season
Parlez-Moi de la pluie
Rabbit Hole
Handsome Harry
The Heavy
The King's Speech
Knight and Day
Freakonomics
127 Hours
Crossing Over
Spellbound
Notre jour viendra
Love and other Drugs
The Burning Plain
Stone
Takers
True Grit (2010)
Howl
Case 39
Le bruit des glacons
Fair Game
Nowhere Boy
Unstoppable
Dans ton Sommeil
Secretariat
It's kind of a funny story
Due Date
Carlos
Let me In
Conviction
Welcome to the Rileys
Little Murders
Buried
Life as we know it
You Again
jack goes Boating
True Grit (1969)
Les galettes de Pont-Aven
Little Fockers
The Experiment
Some Kind of Monster
Glorious 39
Megamind
Sans Queue ni Tete
Donnant donnant
Potiche
Somewhere
Still Waiting
Les petits mouchoirs
Faster
Les petits ruisseaux
Des hommes et des dieux
A Bothersome man
You will meet a tall dark stranger
The next three days
Lenny
Get Low
The Green Hornet
The Tourist
The Big Bang
The Mechanic
Hereafter
Elle S'appelait Sarah
Skin Deep
L'Homme qui Voulait Vivre Sa Vie
All Good Things
Il reste du Jambon
Polanski: wanted and desired
Inside Job
Crossing the Bridge: The sound of Istanbul
Rare Exports
How do you know
Morning Glory
Essential Killing
Mon Pote
Le Nom des Gens
Miral
Un Ticket pour l'espace
Dikkenek
Les secrets professionels du Professeur Apfelgluck
Les Kidnappeurs
Les Parasites
The Dilemma
A Bout Portant
Trafic d'influence
Holiday
Pur Week-End
Last Night
Cougars Inc
Lucky
L'illusionniste
La tete de maman
Just go With it
Exit through the gift Shop
Quartier Lointain
One Day in the Life of Andrei Arsenevich
Come and See
El Topo
Un Balcon sur la mer
No Strings attached
Elektra Luxx
F for Fake
Sans soleil
Men Behind the Sun
In a glass cage
Fast time at Ridgemont high
Duck Soup
Zero de Conduite
Une vie de chat
Poupoupidou
Artists and Models
The Way back
Blue Valentine
Salt of the Earth
Amer
Kiss me, Kill me
Wrong Turn at Tahoe
The Innocents
Barney's Version
Drive Angry
Tron: Legacy
Calvaire
The Poughkeepsie Tapes
The Thing
Hanna
Burning Palms
The other woman
The Countess
American: The Bill Hicks Story
Mother and Child
Je suis un no man's land
Shadows and Lies
Julia
Who's Minding the store?
Sound of Noise
Caffeine
Tourist Trap
Henry's Crime
The Adjusment Bureau
Cedar Rapids
The Midnight Meat Train
Stalingrad
L'Aine des Ferchaux
Sucker Punch
Gigola
Hall Pass
44 inch Chest
The Lincoln lawyer
foolish wives
The Company Men
Touching Home
Justin de Marseille
Jeanne Dielman, 23 Quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles
La Belle et la Bete
C'est pas ma faute
Les Parapluies de Cherbourg
Mondo Cane
Der Blaue Engel
Paul
Profondo Rosso
Rien a Declarer
Les Miserables (1958)
Silver Lode
Le Plaisir
Chats Perches
Passion Play
The Lady from Shanghai
De Vierde Man
Broken Embraces
Les Collegues
Rango
The Warriors
Easy Rider
Serial Lover
13 Assassins
Baby Doll
Toute une nuit
Re-Animator
Senso
happythankyoumoreplease
Umberto D
Kill the Irishman
Halal Police d'Etat
Roma Citta Aperta
Unknown
Une Pure Affaire
Io Sono L'Amore
Limitless
Largo Winch II
Le Marquis
Peep World
Hobo with a Shotgun
Requiem pour une tueuse
Contre Toi
Army of Darkness
Burden of Dreams
Source Code
Resident Evil: Afterlife
Rio
Exporting Raymond
Trust
Take Me Home Tonight
Paisa
Super
Super 8
The new Daughter
The Orphanage
Ironclad
The Nines
Meek's Cutoff
Allez Raconte!
Shane
The Bigamist
Philosophy of a Knife
Love in the Time of Cholera
Sympathy for Delicious
Kapo
I saw the Devil
Crime D'Amour
Les Femmes du 6e Etage
Les Maitres Fous
Les Emotifs Anonymes
Submarine
La Proie
The Greatest Movie Ever Sold
Les Aventures de Philibert Capitaine Puceau
The Bang Bang Club
Your Highness
Irina Palm
Walkabout
Win Win
The Perfect Host
Ma Part du gateau
Margot at the Wedding
The Conspirator
Pieds Nus Sur Les Limaces
The Beaver
Lebanon, PA
La Chance de ma Vie
Mes Nuits Sont Plus Belles Que Vos Jours
Les Clefs de Bagnole
Un Crime Au Paradis
Casablanca Driver
Sherrybaby
Something Borrowed
Effroyables Jardins
Les Marmottes
Madame De
Incir Reçeli
Thirst
Clara et Les Chics Types
Mon Pere Est Femme De Menage
Bad Teacher
Sa Majesté Minor
Everything Must Go
Two Thousand Maniacs
La Tete Contre Les Murs
15 Ans et Demi
Le Roi De Coeur
I Spit on your Grave/Day of the Woman
I Spit on Your Grave (2010)
The Guard
Je n'ai Rien Oublié
Les Biches
Setup
Rio Sex Comedy
Prezít svuj zivot (teorie a praxe)
The Boys from Brazil
Et Soudain Tout Le Monde Me Manque
La Croisiere
Tora! Tora! Tora!
Forks Over Knives
Nekromantik
Biutiful
Shortbus
The Servant
Too Big To Fail
The Bridge at Remagen
Bridesmaids
Une Folle Envie
Chez Gino
La Conquete
Horrible Bosses
Zoo Keeper
Scream 4
Beautiful Boy
Ivan's Childhood
Pirates of the Carribean: On Stranger Tides
La Fille Du Puisatier
The Ledge
Red State
Solaris
The Hangover part II
Midnight in Paris
Andrei Rublev
Monsieur Papa
Low Cost
Les Tuche
QUe La Fete Commence...
Omar M'A Tuer
L'Adversaire
The Grapes of Wrath
Carmen Jones
5 Card Stud
Drive
The Change Up
Juste Avant La Nuit
Pete Smalls Is Dead
Nous Ne Vieillirons Pas Ensemble
Trois Vies Et Une Seule Mort
Germania Anno Zero
The Mirror
Pater
L'Ivresse Du Pouvoir
Stalker
Larry Crowne
Cowboys and Aliens
Pootie Tang
Beginners
The Sacrifice
Hesher
Le Gamin Au Velo
Case Depart
Le Moine
30 Minutes Or Less
Our Idiot Brother
Pleure Pas La Bouche Pleine
The Man Who Had His Hair Cut Short
Cinema Verite
La Maman et la Putain
Das Experiment
The Debt
The Tree of Life
L'Eleve Ducobu
Catch .44
The Devil's Double
Ni A Vendre, Ni A Louer
Derriere Les Murs
Margin Call
The Future
Blackthorn
Zebraman
Zebraman 2: Attack on Zebra City
Mon Oncle Benjamin
Burke and Hare
Mes Amis, Mes Amours
Following
Vampyr
Begotten
4 Months, 3 Weeks And 2 Days
Ashes and Diamonds
The Tempest
Contagion
Colombiana
La Ligne de Demarcation
Picnic At Hanging Rock
The Shop on Main Street
The Unknown
Diner
Les Assassins De L'Ordre
The Ides of March
One Day
La Chienne
The General
My little Princess
Une Belle Fille Comme Moi
Kaboom
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Colombiana
IMDb Link
Word of warning, this shit's about to get disturbing and I'm gonna be crossing the line real quick...
Imagine Tarantino's sequestered Tony Scott and Brian De Palma and forced them to copulate nonstop, over and over again, until one of them, somehow, finally got pregnant.
Then the child would be born and raised by Tarantino and Besson and would end up being wed to a James Cameron clone (no matter what the sex of the Scott/De Palma child is. At this point let's not be homophobic).
The offspring from that unholiest of union (because, you know: a man giving birth to a rape kid) would be named 'Colombiana.'
I know Colombians can kick ass, but do all little Colombian girls know Parkour? Shit, she puts the dude
from 'Casino Royal' to shame. At least she's ruthless and fit, so you reckon that when she grows up she'll be...
Zoe Saldana!
Commence drooling sequence.
For Zoe, not the little girl (well, to each his own).
Anyway, come on! Violence in Bogota! That is so unreal. No one ever died violently in Bogota. Ever. That's
like saying people do cocaine in Colombia or that Escobar was Colombian. So not true. Right?
It's like having the beginning of your film set in the 80s and having sim cards and HUMMERs, that would just be silly.
Right?
Or, they have super-advanced technology but are still using CGA computers. Shit, at the end of the day it's Colombia, what do I know?! Do they even have electricity there?
So, in case I've been too subtle, I am saying the dialogue's bad (thus the Cameron reference), the story is
full of improbabilities (thus the Besson reference, but it's more than a reference since he co-wrote the screenplay. What a surprise.), the cinematography is totally 'Revenge' and 'Man on Fire' and the
little girl wreaking havoc (Tarantino) and going to Miami and having hispanic gangsters (De Palma. But at least you do get a glimpse of the 'Scarface' poster) is, well... a mix of all the directors I've just mentioned. Plus throw in 'The Fugitive' with Lennie James as Tommy. And of course there's the big scene where they talk and the dialogue is so bad, respect to Zoe and Lennie for pulling off the acting.
So it's a revenge story with the law right on her (so beautiful) ass and the bad guys right on her (great) ass... In short, it's 'Nikita' with Zoe. Or 'Leon' with Zoe, with a bird instead of a plant and where Colombians speak in English to each other.
Luc: why don't you write something new? Seriously.
But, you got Zoe (but maybe I've already mentioned that?) and, acting-wise, you got Cliff Curtis, but he looked a bit pissed to be in this. Then again, he got to be close to Zoe... But from the beginning we know what will happen to his character.
Respect also to Lennie. Just because he's cool.
I am not saying I was bored to tears, it is a vaguely entertaning film, if somewhat typical. In any case, you got
Zoe. What else do you need?! Although, hey: let me be a total prick: in HD, her skin's not all that good (women: comence rejoicing sequence!)
But, to be a real prick... Really? Do I care about her complexion?
As a very real prick: Yes, I do.
Oh, shit: I'm in a never-ending loop of hot girl vs not perfect skin... Help meeeee!
Hey, wait, was that Michael Vartan looking forlorn and serving no purpose whatsover? In other words: was that Michael Vartan?
Plus he makes out with Zoe. Plus he pretends he 'just wants to talk.' Plus he's there only to give Zoe's character some romantic time and for us to see that she is emotionally damaged. Weird. You'd think that at some point she'd get over the fact that her parents were killed in front of her.
And you know she's troubled. You know how you know this? Because in one scene, she SMOKES! OMG!! Well... she's holding a lit cigarette, you don't actually see her smoke, that would be totally taboo and wrong. Only bad guys smoke.
Seriously, back in the days, good guys were dressed in white and bad guys in black. Now you can recognize the bad guys because they smoke.
Towards the last few minutes of the film, I had to stop the film a bit early, because they dared to use Johnny Cash's version of 'Hurt,' which is a simply incredible song. Much too incredible for this film.
Word of warning, this shit's about to get disturbing and I'm gonna be crossing the line real quick...
Imagine Tarantino's sequestered Tony Scott and Brian De Palma and forced them to copulate nonstop, over and over again, until one of them, somehow, finally got pregnant.
Then the child would be born and raised by Tarantino and Besson and would end up being wed to a James Cameron clone (no matter what the sex of the Scott/De Palma child is. At this point let's not be homophobic).
The offspring from that unholiest of union (because, you know: a man giving birth to a rape kid) would be named 'Colombiana.'
I know Colombians can kick ass, but do all little Colombian girls know Parkour? Shit, she puts the dude
from 'Casino Royal' to shame. At least she's ruthless and fit, so you reckon that when she grows up she'll be...
Zoe Saldana!
Commence drooling sequence.
For Zoe, not the little girl (well, to each his own).
Anyway, come on! Violence in Bogota! That is so unreal. No one ever died violently in Bogota. Ever. That's
like saying people do cocaine in Colombia or that Escobar was Colombian. So not true. Right?
It's like having the beginning of your film set in the 80s and having sim cards and HUMMERs, that would just be silly.
Right?
Or, they have super-advanced technology but are still using CGA computers. Shit, at the end of the day it's Colombia, what do I know?! Do they even have electricity there?
So, in case I've been too subtle, I am saying the dialogue's bad (thus the Cameron reference), the story is
full of improbabilities (thus the Besson reference, but it's more than a reference since he co-wrote the screenplay. What a surprise.), the cinematography is totally 'Revenge' and 'Man on Fire' and the
little girl wreaking havoc (Tarantino) and going to Miami and having hispanic gangsters (De Palma. But at least you do get a glimpse of the 'Scarface' poster) is, well... a mix of all the directors I've just mentioned. Plus throw in 'The Fugitive' with Lennie James as Tommy. And of course there's the big scene where they talk and the dialogue is so bad, respect to Zoe and Lennie for pulling off the acting.
So it's a revenge story with the law right on her (so beautiful) ass and the bad guys right on her (great) ass... In short, it's 'Nikita' with Zoe. Or 'Leon' with Zoe, with a bird instead of a plant and where Colombians speak in English to each other.
Luc: why don't you write something new? Seriously.
But, you got Zoe (but maybe I've already mentioned that?) and, acting-wise, you got Cliff Curtis, but he looked a bit pissed to be in this. Then again, he got to be close to Zoe... But from the beginning we know what will happen to his character.
Respect also to Lennie. Just because he's cool.
I am not saying I was bored to tears, it is a vaguely entertaning film, if somewhat typical. In any case, you got
Zoe. What else do you need?! Although, hey: let me be a total prick: in HD, her skin's not all that good (women: comence rejoicing sequence!)
But, to be a real prick... Really? Do I care about her complexion?
As a very real prick: Yes, I do.
Oh, shit: I'm in a never-ending loop of hot girl vs not perfect skin... Help meeeee!
Hey, wait, was that Michael Vartan looking forlorn and serving no purpose whatsover? In other words: was that Michael Vartan?
Plus he makes out with Zoe. Plus he pretends he 'just wants to talk.' Plus he's there only to give Zoe's character some romantic time and for us to see that she is emotionally damaged. Weird. You'd think that at some point she'd get over the fact that her parents were killed in front of her.
And you know she's troubled. You know how you know this? Because in one scene, she SMOKES! OMG!! Well... she's holding a lit cigarette, you don't actually see her smoke, that would be totally taboo and wrong. Only bad guys smoke.
Seriously, back in the days, good guys were dressed in white and bad guys in black. Now you can recognize the bad guys because they smoke.
Towards the last few minutes of the film, I had to stop the film a bit early, because they dared to use Johnny Cash's version of 'Hurt,' which is a simply incredible song. Much too incredible for this film.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Contagion
IMDb Link
Just in time for flu season, the germophobe's scariest film ever!
Germs a'plenty! Everywhere! Many people die, including some famous actors. And kids! Hahaha! Death is everywhere! Happy new year!
To be honest, it shouldn't be that much fun to watch, because so many people die, but it is! The whole first act feels like an opening scene from 'House,' but with famous people. Who die! And not famous people. Who die, too! So, yeah: you never know who will die and when and if it will end happily or not. But, as you're watching, you know that even if they find a cure, all the dead people will still be dead. All the looted people will be still looted. All the paranoid people will still be paranoid.
Drinking game: call out the actors' names first and everybody else has to take a shot.
Wait, what? Is that Demetri Martin as a scientist? Awesome! But I really wanted him to crack a joke! Or draw something! 'We can either cut to a sketch, or have the entire world die... Hmm... Okay: the entire world dies.'
And I'm always happy to see Mr Colantoni, that dude's cool.
But so many germs... on credit cards, on door handles, in elevators, on books, in buses, glasses in restaurants, when you shake people's hands! And people always ignore that (loved the line about the plastic shark)... That's why I wash my hands first thing when I come home. But still, I'm gonna die because one of you is gonna touch me!
Argh! I'm never going out anymore! Well... that shouldn't change my life much.
Anyway, if you hadn't understood it by now, it's about, well... a contagion (duh!), but it's also about conspiracy theories and paranoia and red tape and opportunism and greed and, well... how we humans are targeted and we, as humans, fuck everything up. But, we, as humans try to make it all okay. But nature will still try to kill us, because we try to fuck with it (nature, that is).
Simplistic, but effective. And probably accurate.
There are so many famous actors that keep popping up on screen that, after a while, I was looking at the extras, to see if I could recognize anyone, like George Clooney.
So... Yeah. Happy day. And fun film! And, I have to say: One of Soderbergh's (sorry, I meant Peter Andrews') static shot, with no actors, conveys more than all of Michael Bay's and James Cameron's films combined.
I admit I could have done without Gwyneth's autopsy. Happy birthday, Apple! Let's watch one of mommy's films, shall we? The next Coldplay album could feature the song: 'My wife's got her face peeled off.'
Speaking of which (music, I mean): I enjoyed the music, which felt very Vangelis/Blade Runner like, in a good way. Retro 80s, minimalist, not overbearing. Hey, I wonder if Cliff Martinez composed it!
So, yeah: I am saying I enjoyed it because it is entertaining, sometimes disturbing, sometimes unpredictable, always well acted and, of course, always perfectly directed. Steven: fuck painting! Stay a director! Pleeeeeease!
In conclusion, a quote from the film: 'Blogging is not writing. It's graffiti with punctuation.'
Haha! Punctuation? On the internet?! As if.
Just in time for flu season, the germophobe's scariest film ever!
Germs a'plenty! Everywhere! Many people die, including some famous actors. And kids! Hahaha! Death is everywhere! Happy new year!
To be honest, it shouldn't be that much fun to watch, because so many people die, but it is! The whole first act feels like an opening scene from 'House,' but with famous people. Who die! And not famous people. Who die, too! So, yeah: you never know who will die and when and if it will end happily or not. But, as you're watching, you know that even if they find a cure, all the dead people will still be dead. All the looted people will be still looted. All the paranoid people will still be paranoid.
Drinking game: call out the actors' names first and everybody else has to take a shot.
Wait, what? Is that Demetri Martin as a scientist? Awesome! But I really wanted him to crack a joke! Or draw something! 'We can either cut to a sketch, or have the entire world die... Hmm... Okay: the entire world dies.'
And I'm always happy to see Mr Colantoni, that dude's cool.
But so many germs... on credit cards, on door handles, in elevators, on books, in buses, glasses in restaurants, when you shake people's hands! And people always ignore that (loved the line about the plastic shark)... That's why I wash my hands first thing when I come home. But still, I'm gonna die because one of you is gonna touch me!
Argh! I'm never going out anymore! Well... that shouldn't change my life much.
Anyway, if you hadn't understood it by now, it's about, well... a contagion (duh!), but it's also about conspiracy theories and paranoia and red tape and opportunism and greed and, well... how we humans are targeted and we, as humans, fuck everything up. But, we, as humans try to make it all okay. But nature will still try to kill us, because we try to fuck with it (nature, that is).
Simplistic, but effective. And probably accurate.
There are so many famous actors that keep popping up on screen that, after a while, I was looking at the extras, to see if I could recognize anyone, like George Clooney.
So... Yeah. Happy day. And fun film! And, I have to say: One of Soderbergh's (sorry, I meant Peter Andrews') static shot, with no actors, conveys more than all of Michael Bay's and James Cameron's films combined.
I admit I could have done without Gwyneth's autopsy. Happy birthday, Apple! Let's watch one of mommy's films, shall we? The next Coldplay album could feature the song: 'My wife's got her face peeled off.'
Speaking of which (music, I mean): I enjoyed the music, which felt very Vangelis/Blade Runner like, in a good way. Retro 80s, minimalist, not overbearing. Hey, I wonder if Cliff Martinez composed it!
So, yeah: I am saying I enjoyed it because it is entertaining, sometimes disturbing, sometimes unpredictable, always well acted and, of course, always perfectly directed. Steven: fuck painting! Stay a director! Pleeeeeease!
In conclusion, a quote from the film: 'Blogging is not writing. It's graffiti with punctuation.'
Haha! Punctuation? On the internet?! As if.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Catch .44
IMDb Link
Let's play a game. Tell me what director this reminds you of...
Open on Bruce Willis spewing out a 'bon mot.'
Cut to blaring 'cool' music.
Cut to women in a diner, exchanging dialogue that has nothing to do with the plot, then they rob the place.
More loud music. Flashback.
At this point, I hope this has made you think of Tarantino. If not, then you should see more films. But you know what's worse than a Tarantino movie? A copycat Tarantino movie.
Anyway, after all this, it's even more downhill... The dialogue is stilted, trying to be hip, full of pop culture references for no purpose whatsoever, except maybe give Tarantino a big hard on. And 'be cool' 'be calm' 'I am calm' 'calm down' is repeated so many times, it made me a little bit nauseous. Then they say 'fuck' a lot. Then they spew more bullshit like a 'joke,' to alleviate the 'tension.' Or long drawn-out 'parable.'
The scenes are all predictable, but they're trying to be hip. The directing is full of clichés and it's really trying to be hip. And of course it's full of Grindhouse bullshit. And, oh no: there's a three-way Mexican stand-off. Which lasts for about 30 minutes, I shit you not.
And on top of all that shit, you get more flashbacks more pointless dialogue.
And then some more dialogue that serves no purpose.
This film is so 1995, it's not even funny.
Thing is, we don't give a shit about any of the characters and my only wish was that they'd all get shot to death. I'm really starting to lose faith in Forest. He's again playing the same kinda role he's been playing lately:
'Bad ass' guy, with a smile, pretending to be all goofy and friendly, but he's actually lethal and relentless and all. And he's even got a little catch phrase: 'Cuidado.' That's so cool, coz it's in Spanish, so it's totally new. Although I was only thinking about the Month Pythons: 'Cuidado el Llama!!' And he uses different names and they're goofy-sounding and he always explains those names and it's supposed to be 'bad ass' and fun. But it's not, the scenes just drag on and on and on... By the way, how did he get the blood out of the uniform? Or if not the blood, than the engine grease, since the cop died on the engine, with a bullet in the head.
Oh, wait, no... Point-blank shot, back of the head and he's not dead. Why not? Because the director really wanted a shot of a guy shooting another guy in the trunk of a car. At least that's my guess.
And in the flashback, Forest all of a sudden has a bad Tony Montana accent. He even acts like Montana all of a sudden, with the downward mouth/disgusted look. Sure.
And right after the flashback, he speaks with the Montana accent. Then it becomes a Ricky Ricardo accent. Sure, why not. Then it goes away again. Uh huh.
Oh, God. We even have surf music. Then Bruce Willis acting like he's Christopher Walken, all psycho and shit. And he talks about pecans and baseball, that's so awesome. Right?
Anyway, yes... all the actors, who are usually good, all act as if they're in a film. Let me explain that... They don't feel natural, it's like they're all thinking: 'Okay, I'm gonna be a cool cat character and I'm gonna go out of my way to show you how cool I am.' The end result is that the acting is, dare I say it, bad. But that's probably because of the director who was too busy thinking about blowing Tarantino.
Here's the story: 3 women rob a diner to take drugs. Things go wrong.
That's it.
That's why we see the diner shoot-out over and over again, because THERE IS NO FUCKING STORY. There are only badly-written actors and flashback after flashback to show us how they all met. They try to make us believe there is a story, and a twist. But there isn't. They try to make it cool by blaring music that's not half-bad. But it fails. It fails so much that any music featured in here, no matter how good, becomes by default shitty.
So, hey, I'm gonna quote Al Pacino in 'Heat' now and it's to the attention of the director: 'Stop wasting my motherfuckin' time!'
Let's play a game. Tell me what director this reminds you of...
Open on Bruce Willis spewing out a 'bon mot.'
Cut to blaring 'cool' music.
Cut to women in a diner, exchanging dialogue that has nothing to do with the plot, then they rob the place.
More loud music. Flashback.
At this point, I hope this has made you think of Tarantino. If not, then you should see more films. But you know what's worse than a Tarantino movie? A copycat Tarantino movie.
Anyway, after all this, it's even more downhill... The dialogue is stilted, trying to be hip, full of pop culture references for no purpose whatsoever, except maybe give Tarantino a big hard on. And 'be cool' 'be calm' 'I am calm' 'calm down' is repeated so many times, it made me a little bit nauseous. Then they say 'fuck' a lot. Then they spew more bullshit like a 'joke,' to alleviate the 'tension.' Or long drawn-out 'parable.'
The scenes are all predictable, but they're trying to be hip. The directing is full of clichés and it's really trying to be hip. And of course it's full of Grindhouse bullshit. And, oh no: there's a three-way Mexican stand-off. Which lasts for about 30 minutes, I shit you not.
And on top of all that shit, you get more flashbacks more pointless dialogue.
And then some more dialogue that serves no purpose.
This film is so 1995, it's not even funny.
Thing is, we don't give a shit about any of the characters and my only wish was that they'd all get shot to death. I'm really starting to lose faith in Forest. He's again playing the same kinda role he's been playing lately:
'Bad ass' guy, with a smile, pretending to be all goofy and friendly, but he's actually lethal and relentless and all. And he's even got a little catch phrase: 'Cuidado.' That's so cool, coz it's in Spanish, so it's totally new. Although I was only thinking about the Month Pythons: 'Cuidado el Llama!!' And he uses different names and they're goofy-sounding and he always explains those names and it's supposed to be 'bad ass' and fun. But it's not, the scenes just drag on and on and on... By the way, how did he get the blood out of the uniform? Or if not the blood, than the engine grease, since the cop died on the engine, with a bullet in the head.
Oh, wait, no... Point-blank shot, back of the head and he's not dead. Why not? Because the director really wanted a shot of a guy shooting another guy in the trunk of a car. At least that's my guess.
And in the flashback, Forest all of a sudden has a bad Tony Montana accent. He even acts like Montana all of a sudden, with the downward mouth/disgusted look. Sure.
And right after the flashback, he speaks with the Montana accent. Then it becomes a Ricky Ricardo accent. Sure, why not. Then it goes away again. Uh huh.
Oh, God. We even have surf music. Then Bruce Willis acting like he's Christopher Walken, all psycho and shit. And he talks about pecans and baseball, that's so awesome. Right?
Anyway, yes... all the actors, who are usually good, all act as if they're in a film. Let me explain that... They don't feel natural, it's like they're all thinking: 'Okay, I'm gonna be a cool cat character and I'm gonna go out of my way to show you how cool I am.' The end result is that the acting is, dare I say it, bad. But that's probably because of the director who was too busy thinking about blowing Tarantino.
Here's the story: 3 women rob a diner to take drugs. Things go wrong.
That's it.
That's why we see the diner shoot-out over and over again, because THERE IS NO FUCKING STORY. There are only badly-written actors and flashback after flashback to show us how they all met. They try to make us believe there is a story, and a twist. But there isn't. They try to make it cool by blaring music that's not half-bad. But it fails. It fails so much that any music featured in here, no matter how good, becomes by default shitty.
So, hey, I'm gonna quote Al Pacino in 'Heat' now and it's to the attention of the director: 'Stop wasting my motherfuckin' time!'
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
The Losers
IMDb Link
I shouldn't have liked this film. The story is predictable and preprosterous, the characters are pretty much cardboard copies of what you'd expect them to be. Wait, does that make sense? Well, you know what I mean.
Yeah, but...
I was in the mood to watch something light and predictable. I wanted to see shit explode. And shit explode, I did indeed see.
This is a graphic novel adaptation. I have not read it, but you can almost smell the ink wafting off the screen.
There are slow-mos and fixed frames and insane action that can only work in graphic novels, but it works in there, too. Kinda.
And... You have Jason Patric as the bad guy. A mean asshole, who loves the US, who works for the US and who kills everyone and anyone (women and children, too, what's not to like?!). It's nice to see him having fun instead of being a whiny-ass bitch. No offense to female dogs out there, you know I like you all.
And... You got Idris Elba, who I still can't believe isn't American. He was a bad, bad-ass as Stringer Bell. He's a bad, bad-ass here. He tries to say some funny things. But I don't know... After seeing him on 'The Office,' I have to wonder: either he's a fun funny guy who can be the straight guy, or he's actually completely devoid of humor. He's probably gonna kick my ass now. But that'll be an honor. Stringer Bell rules. Avon's a douche.
And... And... You knew it was coming... There is Zoë Saldana who looks so much better when she's not all blue and CGI animated. Seriously, she is one of the most beautiful (and hottest) actresses out there.
It's sexist, yes, I know. But you have to be dead to not go all tingly and sweaty when you look at her. She seems perfect. I say seem, because, well... it's a film. But look at that face! And that body! And the legs... I have to admit that if she were pointing a gun at me, I'd be turned on. And I'd die with a boner.
Yes, I'm crude, rude, and crass.
I only wish that the so-called 'sex scene' was actually one where you saw more of her. It brings us back to: it's okay to see a gazillion people getting shot and die, but one breast or, God forbid, one nipple? Oh, no no no no no. That would pervert our youths.
Yeah. Uh huh. Maybe a bit of perversion is just what our youths need.
I'm obsessed, I know. I'm sad, sure. I'm a loser, yes.
Blow me.
Back after a cold shower, let's finish this...
Anyway, so... that's all I gotta say... Predictable story with shit blowing up. Which is exactly what this film was pretending to be. I mean... Army dudes with goofy nicknames, abandoned by their government.
Uhm... A-Team anyone? Except with a way way way hot chick. I mean hot babe. I mean girl. I mean actress. I mean thespian. I mean... oh, fuck it.
So, no: I wasn't in the mood to watch a Cambodian New Wave film about spider whisperers. So sue me.
I didn't want to watch a film about a deaf homosexual transgender teenager with Down syndrome, slowly dying of intestinal cancer. No, I wanted to watch shit blow up, watch people get shot, listen to some cheesy dialogue. And stare at an überfrau. Oh, and while doing it, I wanted to watch the US being ridiculed as an Axis of Evil. That's always a hoot.
Would I watch it again? No. (Well, one or two parts, on freeze frame... wink wink, nudge nudge) Was I bored? No. Entertained? Kinda.
And that's what most films should do, and I dig that.
Would I watch 'The Losers 2?' Yes. Would I regret it? Most probably. Would I care? Possibly. Am I asking too many questions? Definitely.
So sue me.
No, really: sue me.
I shouldn't have liked this film. The story is predictable and preprosterous, the characters are pretty much cardboard copies of what you'd expect them to be. Wait, does that make sense? Well, you know what I mean.
Yeah, but...
I was in the mood to watch something light and predictable. I wanted to see shit explode. And shit explode, I did indeed see.
This is a graphic novel adaptation. I have not read it, but you can almost smell the ink wafting off the screen.
There are slow-mos and fixed frames and insane action that can only work in graphic novels, but it works in there, too. Kinda.
And... You have Jason Patric as the bad guy. A mean asshole, who loves the US, who works for the US and who kills everyone and anyone (women and children, too, what's not to like?!). It's nice to see him having fun instead of being a whiny-ass bitch. No offense to female dogs out there, you know I like you all.
And... You got Idris Elba, who I still can't believe isn't American. He was a bad, bad-ass as Stringer Bell. He's a bad, bad-ass here. He tries to say some funny things. But I don't know... After seeing him on 'The Office,' I have to wonder: either he's a fun funny guy who can be the straight guy, or he's actually completely devoid of humor. He's probably gonna kick my ass now. But that'll be an honor. Stringer Bell rules. Avon's a douche.
And... And... You knew it was coming... There is Zoë Saldana who looks so much better when she's not all blue and CGI animated. Seriously, she is one of the most beautiful (and hottest) actresses out there.
It's sexist, yes, I know. But you have to be dead to not go all tingly and sweaty when you look at her. She seems perfect. I say seem, because, well... it's a film. But look at that face! And that body! And the legs... I have to admit that if she were pointing a gun at me, I'd be turned on. And I'd die with a boner.
Yes, I'm crude, rude, and crass.
I only wish that the so-called 'sex scene' was actually one where you saw more of her. It brings us back to: it's okay to see a gazillion people getting shot and die, but one breast or, God forbid, one nipple? Oh, no no no no no. That would pervert our youths.
Yeah. Uh huh. Maybe a bit of perversion is just what our youths need.
I'm obsessed, I know. I'm sad, sure. I'm a loser, yes.
Blow me.
Back after a cold shower, let's finish this...
Anyway, so... that's all I gotta say... Predictable story with shit blowing up. Which is exactly what this film was pretending to be. I mean... Army dudes with goofy nicknames, abandoned by their government.
Uhm... A-Team anyone? Except with a way way way hot chick. I mean hot babe. I mean girl. I mean actress. I mean thespian. I mean... oh, fuck it.
So, no: I wasn't in the mood to watch a Cambodian New Wave film about spider whisperers. So sue me.
I didn't want to watch a film about a deaf homosexual transgender teenager with Down syndrome, slowly dying of intestinal cancer. No, I wanted to watch shit blow up, watch people get shot, listen to some cheesy dialogue. And stare at an überfrau. Oh, and while doing it, I wanted to watch the US being ridiculed as an Axis of Evil. That's always a hoot.
Would I watch it again? No. (Well, one or two parts, on freeze frame... wink wink, nudge nudge) Was I bored? No. Entertained? Kinda.
And that's what most films should do, and I dig that.
Would I watch 'The Losers 2?' Yes. Would I regret it? Most probably. Would I care? Possibly. Am I asking too many questions? Definitely.
So sue me.
No, really: sue me.
Un Homme et Son Chien
Lien IMDb
Et ben, j'avais un petit coup de blues, je me suis dit: 'Tiens! Je vais regarder ce film...'
Et ben merde... le blues est devenu pourpre, là. Déprimant, le film. Mais bien. Mais déprimant. Je vous préviens, on frise le mélodrame avec cet 'article.'
Un film qui parle d'un homme à la fin de sa vie, un homme seul. A part son chien. C'est une histoire d'amour entre deux mamifères, quoi. Un à 4 pattes, l'autre à 2. C'est une histoire sur le temps qui passe, sur les regrets, sur ce qui aurait pu être, sur ce qui sera. Et ce qui ne sera jamais.
Il y une pointe d'espoir avec la jolie demoiselle enceinte (même si des fois elle joue comme si elle était défoncée, mais bon).
L'avantage d'avoir un film réalisé par Juste Leblanc, c'est que les 'cameos' sont nombreux et impressionants:
Bien sûr il y a Belmondo, bien sûr il y a Huster, mais aussi, et par ordre: Duléry, Perrot, Dujardin, Garcia (José, pas Nicole), Mondy, Von Sydow (!), Prévost, Charles Gérard (étonnant! Enfin à nouveau avec Bebel, j'imagine que leur brouille c'est du passé! Il doit avoir 105 ans maintenant, non? Mais c'est pas grave, ca fait plaisir de le revoir), Hossein (là ca devient ridicule! Y a tout le monde dans ce film), Thibault (si, si), Presle...
Diantre... une bien belle brochette d'acteurs quand même! Dont certains qui nous rappellent la grande époque... 'Les Morfalous,' 'Le Casse,' 'L'Incorrigible...'
Bref, le film à mon avis, il parle de ça:
La vie c'est con, la vie c'est long. Mais c'est toujours trop court. Dans la vie tout le monde vous quitte, à part votre chien. Fidèle compagnon. Parce que les humains, franchement: on est tous des cons.
D'ailleurs, et même si ce film est imprégné de mort, d'une telle façon qu'à côté 'La Montagne Magique' c'est un conte de Disney, malgré ça disais-je, le moment le plus triste et le plus émouvant, c'est au chenil, avec tous ces chiens qui ne demandent qu'un peu d'amour... Mais, comme il a été dit plus haut: on est tous des cons.
Si on a quelqu'un, que ce soit un animal ou une personne, qui vous aime, alors tout va bien, en fin de compte. Même Gabin l'a chanté: 'Le jour ou quelqu'un vous aime, il fait beau. J'peux pas mieux dire: il fait beau.'
Allez, pour détendre, un petit mot de Desproges: "Plus je connais les hommes, et plus j'aime mon chien. Plus je connais les femmes, et moins j'aime ma chienne."
Voilà voilà... Donc un film triste, un film émouvant (ceci dit, ça vient peut-être de mon coup de blues). Un peu trop déprimant. Ou alors, qui essaye un peu trop d'être déprimant. Mais j'ai bien aimé quand même. C'est un beau remade 'Umberto D.' Et il fait quand même oser de refaire du De Sica...
Ah, nostalgie... Bebel qui se tient en haut des marches de la gare de L'Est (ou du Nord? je les confonds toujours)... Marches que j'ai prise un beau matin d'été vers les 6 heures, en rentrant le coeur plein de belles choses et la tête remplie de sourires... Il y a bien longtemps de cela...
Bon, allez, ca suffit la déprime! J'ai décidé de me visionner 'Le Magnifique,' question de voir Bebel faire le pitre.
On finira avec une petite minute philosophique: 'Ne vous plaignez pas de vieillir, un tel privilège n'est pas accordé à tout le monde.'
PS: Rappelez-vous bien: On est tous des cons.
Et ben, j'avais un petit coup de blues, je me suis dit: 'Tiens! Je vais regarder ce film...'
Et ben merde... le blues est devenu pourpre, là. Déprimant, le film. Mais bien. Mais déprimant. Je vous préviens, on frise le mélodrame avec cet 'article.'
Un film qui parle d'un homme à la fin de sa vie, un homme seul. A part son chien. C'est une histoire d'amour entre deux mamifères, quoi. Un à 4 pattes, l'autre à 2. C'est une histoire sur le temps qui passe, sur les regrets, sur ce qui aurait pu être, sur ce qui sera. Et ce qui ne sera jamais.
Il y une pointe d'espoir avec la jolie demoiselle enceinte (même si des fois elle joue comme si elle était défoncée, mais bon).
L'avantage d'avoir un film réalisé par Juste Leblanc, c'est que les 'cameos' sont nombreux et impressionants:
Bien sûr il y a Belmondo, bien sûr il y a Huster, mais aussi, et par ordre: Duléry, Perrot, Dujardin, Garcia (José, pas Nicole), Mondy, Von Sydow (!), Prévost, Charles Gérard (étonnant! Enfin à nouveau avec Bebel, j'imagine que leur brouille c'est du passé! Il doit avoir 105 ans maintenant, non? Mais c'est pas grave, ca fait plaisir de le revoir), Hossein (là ca devient ridicule! Y a tout le monde dans ce film), Thibault (si, si), Presle...
Diantre... une bien belle brochette d'acteurs quand même! Dont certains qui nous rappellent la grande époque... 'Les Morfalous,' 'Le Casse,' 'L'Incorrigible...'
Bref, le film à mon avis, il parle de ça:
La vie c'est con, la vie c'est long. Mais c'est toujours trop court. Dans la vie tout le monde vous quitte, à part votre chien. Fidèle compagnon. Parce que les humains, franchement: on est tous des cons.
D'ailleurs, et même si ce film est imprégné de mort, d'une telle façon qu'à côté 'La Montagne Magique' c'est un conte de Disney, malgré ça disais-je, le moment le plus triste et le plus émouvant, c'est au chenil, avec tous ces chiens qui ne demandent qu'un peu d'amour... Mais, comme il a été dit plus haut: on est tous des cons.
Si on a quelqu'un, que ce soit un animal ou une personne, qui vous aime, alors tout va bien, en fin de compte. Même Gabin l'a chanté: 'Le jour ou quelqu'un vous aime, il fait beau. J'peux pas mieux dire: il fait beau.'
Allez, pour détendre, un petit mot de Desproges: "Plus je connais les hommes, et plus j'aime mon chien. Plus je connais les femmes, et moins j'aime ma chienne."
Voilà voilà... Donc un film triste, un film émouvant (ceci dit, ça vient peut-être de mon coup de blues). Un peu trop déprimant. Ou alors, qui essaye un peu trop d'être déprimant. Mais j'ai bien aimé quand même. C'est un beau remade 'Umberto D.' Et il fait quand même oser de refaire du De Sica...
Ah, nostalgie... Bebel qui se tient en haut des marches de la gare de L'Est (ou du Nord? je les confonds toujours)... Marches que j'ai prise un beau matin d'été vers les 6 heures, en rentrant le coeur plein de belles choses et la tête remplie de sourires... Il y a bien longtemps de cela...
Bon, allez, ca suffit la déprime! J'ai décidé de me visionner 'Le Magnifique,' question de voir Bebel faire le pitre.
On finira avec une petite minute philosophique: 'Ne vous plaignez pas de vieillir, un tel privilège n'est pas accordé à tout le monde.'
PS: Rappelez-vous bien: On est tous des cons.
The Book of Eli
Me thinks the Hughes Brothers love Clint Eastwood. This film is ripe with 'homages' to some of his films: 'Dirty Harry,' 'The Gauntlet,' 'Escape from Alcatraz' (well, we DO see Alcatraz), and of course the Leone westerns (whistling a Morricone tune, that's gutsy. Especially from 'Once Upon a Time in America.' Respect.). Because this is what this film is at the end of the day: A post-apocalyptic western.
Sounds cool, huh?
Well, not quite, because it's also religious propaganda. The Bible can save the world, Eli is protected by God (to the point where thunder is seen when he gets shot. Ooops, spoiler alert). It is so disappointing that it's all about religion, especially Christianity. It would have been more fun if the book he was carrying was 'Dianetics,' no? Then it could have been 'Battelfield Earth 2,' without the dreadlocks.
Don't get me wrong, there are some nice moments. The cinematography is very nice, some shots are really great (the camera going through the window during the shootout), the fight scenes are very enjoyable for a guy like me (who likes fight scenes and who likes to make full-use of his subwoofer) and it's always a pleasure to
see Oldman as the arch-vilain. I kept expecting him to go Luc Besson with a nicely-timed 'shit!' Also, when we first meet Oldman, he's reading a Mussolini biography, and towards the end we see a guy hung from his feet. Ah, Milan in 1943, it was the place to be.
The music is also very nice, it's 'Godspeed! You Black Emperor' meet Nick Cave & Warren Ellis (without the annoying whiny violin. Kinda.). And the Anita Ward moment was unexpected and nice. There are also some surprising cameos, too: Tom Waits (that's always a treat), Michael Gambon, and Michael McDowell. (woo hoo! Go Alex, go! That explains the Clockwork Orange poster you see in the film!)...
And quoting the man in black is always cool.
But...
In the end, being anti-religion, this film is a disappointment. Why can't we have cool fights for cool-fights' sake? Why isn't the book "Curious George" or "Of Mice and Men," instead of the Bible? And the constant ads really pissed me off, from KFC to Motorola, from Budweiser to J. Crew (oh, shit, have I just advertised them?) Aren't these the real reasons wy the world will end, as opposed to the word of God? And the only
music Eli listens to is sung by a reverand (a super cool one, but a reverand nonetheless. Or is he a minister? Whatever.).
At least, in the end, we do see the other holy books. But not Dianetics. So the apocalypse apparently means the end of Scientology.
I don't know about you, but I think it's time for the Apocalypse.
Watch this film for the action moments and the look and feel of it, especially if you like westerns. Ignore the religious mumbo-jumbo. I did. Or tried to.
PS: Where do they get gas?
PPS: Fahrenheit 451 anybody?
PPPS: How come Mel Gibson didn't act/direct? He could have done it in a new futuristic language. You got Apocalypto meets Christianity, come on! It's a Mel wet-dream come true!
PPPPS: So bullets in the head won't hurt, but a shot in the belly will? Huh??
Last word: The Hughes Brothers love Clint Eastwood. And God. So I deduce that Clint is God.
Sounds cool, huh?
Well, not quite, because it's also religious propaganda. The Bible can save the world, Eli is protected by God (to the point where thunder is seen when he gets shot. Ooops, spoiler alert). It is so disappointing that it's all about religion, especially Christianity. It would have been more fun if the book he was carrying was 'Dianetics,' no? Then it could have been 'Battelfield Earth 2,' without the dreadlocks.
Don't get me wrong, there are some nice moments. The cinematography is very nice, some shots are really great (the camera going through the window during the shootout), the fight scenes are very enjoyable for a guy like me (who likes fight scenes and who likes to make full-use of his subwoofer) and it's always a pleasure to
see Oldman as the arch-vilain. I kept expecting him to go Luc Besson with a nicely-timed 'shit!' Also, when we first meet Oldman, he's reading a Mussolini biography, and towards the end we see a guy hung from his feet. Ah, Milan in 1943, it was the place to be.
The music is also very nice, it's 'Godspeed! You Black Emperor' meet Nick Cave & Warren Ellis (without the annoying whiny violin. Kinda.). And the Anita Ward moment was unexpected and nice. There are also some surprising cameos, too: Tom Waits (that's always a treat), Michael Gambon, and Michael McDowell. (woo hoo! Go Alex, go! That explains the Clockwork Orange poster you see in the film!)...
And quoting the man in black is always cool.
But...
In the end, being anti-religion, this film is a disappointment. Why can't we have cool fights for cool-fights' sake? Why isn't the book "Curious George" or "Of Mice and Men," instead of the Bible? And the constant ads really pissed me off, from KFC to Motorola, from Budweiser to J. Crew (oh, shit, have I just advertised them?) Aren't these the real reasons wy the world will end, as opposed to the word of God? And the only
music Eli listens to is sung by a reverand (a super cool one, but a reverand nonetheless. Or is he a minister? Whatever.).
At least, in the end, we do see the other holy books. But not Dianetics. So the apocalypse apparently means the end of Scientology.
I don't know about you, but I think it's time for the Apocalypse.
Watch this film for the action moments and the look and feel of it, especially if you like westerns. Ignore the religious mumbo-jumbo. I did. Or tried to.
PS: Where do they get gas?
PPS: Fahrenheit 451 anybody?
PPPS: How come Mel Gibson didn't act/direct? He could have done it in a new futuristic language. You got Apocalypto meets Christianity, come on! It's a Mel wet-dream come true!
PPPPS: So bullets in the head won't hurt, but a shot in the belly will? Huh??
Last word: The Hughes Brothers love Clint Eastwood. And God. So I deduce that Clint is God.
I can live with that.
Edge of Darkness
IMDb Link
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
Sorry, sorry...
Okay. Sorry.
So....
Mphhh...
HAHAHAHHAHHHAAA!
Sorry, but Mel Gibson with a Boston accent is worse than Keanu Reaves with a Brit one, or Kevin Costner with a... Boston accent.
Just so you know, there might be some spoilers here, but you'll thank me later, since it means you won't have to suffer through this. By this, I mean the film, not my review. I think.
Anyway, this is 'The Limey' meets 'Michael Collins' for popcorn-munching morons. Or, if an untalented hack of a smurf wanted to pretend to be Costa-Gavras, that's the kind of goop you'd get. Actually, mentioning those films and this director in relation to this film makes me want to commit self-crucifixion. Or start threatening my Russian wife.
I mean, come on: Jay O. and Mr Winstone looked bored to death. I'd hate to be the latter's agent: "Why. The fuck. Did you get me. This film?" Even Mel looks bored and, since South Park ruined him for me, I kept expecting him to jump up and down, screaming: "Twist my nipples! Twist 'em! I... am on the Edge! Of Darkness! Twist 'em!"
Too bad, really... Ray & Mel... coulda been sweet. But it really ain't. It's boring and predictable and pointless.
Seriously, my main concern while watching the film was: are my spaghetti getting overcooked? (They weren't)
Now add some uninspired directing, some sub-par special effects, a bonanza of clichés (break a Bentley's window with a punch? Yeah, right. And sure: you keep a laptop that's already booted in your car, just in case someone gives you a CD-Rom. Sure. Oh, and: HAHAHAHA!! They're making weapons, but not American weapons, foreign ones. So they must be bad. Because American weapons are always good!), bad dialogue ("I'm surveilled?" Really?? "I like you." Oh, come on! "Everything's illegal in Massachusets." Except bad films, obviously! "I'm the guy with nothing to lose." Not even a career anymore, apparently... "I am SO afraid!" Hahahahaha!), and you got yourself a film that you should avoid more than a one-eyed crack-head hooker in the dark streets of Prague (trust me, I ran into one).
Even the big shocking moments were badly done, and so there was no shock. Or moment. I'm sure that a couple of intellectually-challenged teenagers out there think this was the shit. But they're teenagers. And morons. And for fuck's sake, I've just watched the super crappy finale of 'Lost,' so enough with the happy reunited dead people already!
Oh, and apparently, in Massachussets (did I spell that correctly?), cars don't change lanes or slow down when a cop car is hauling ass on the highway. Trust me, if I wanted to puke, it wasn't because of my pasta (seriously, it was quite good, thanks for asking). I can't believe this kind of shit is still getting made. In ten years, this film is going to be a frat-boy drinking game. I'm not sure what I mean by that, but just go with it.
Hmm... this being said, maybe I got it all wrong: maybe it IS a campy comedy and I wasn't smart enough to get it?!
Yeah, no. Probably not.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
Sorry, sorry...
Okay. Sorry.
So....
Mphhh...
HAHAHAHHAHHHAAA!
Sorry, but Mel Gibson with a Boston accent is worse than Keanu Reaves with a Brit one, or Kevin Costner with a... Boston accent.
Just so you know, there might be some spoilers here, but you'll thank me later, since it means you won't have to suffer through this. By this, I mean the film, not my review. I think.
Anyway, this is 'The Limey' meets 'Michael Collins' for popcorn-munching morons. Or, if an untalented hack of a smurf wanted to pretend to be Costa-Gavras, that's the kind of goop you'd get. Actually, mentioning those films and this director in relation to this film makes me want to commit self-crucifixion. Or start threatening my Russian wife.
I mean, come on: Jay O. and Mr Winstone looked bored to death. I'd hate to be the latter's agent: "Why. The fuck. Did you get me. This film?" Even Mel looks bored and, since South Park ruined him for me, I kept expecting him to jump up and down, screaming: "Twist my nipples! Twist 'em! I... am on the Edge! Of Darkness! Twist 'em!"
Too bad, really... Ray & Mel... coulda been sweet. But it really ain't. It's boring and predictable and pointless.
Seriously, my main concern while watching the film was: are my spaghetti getting overcooked? (They weren't)
Now add some uninspired directing, some sub-par special effects, a bonanza of clichés (break a Bentley's window with a punch? Yeah, right. And sure: you keep a laptop that's already booted in your car, just in case someone gives you a CD-Rom. Sure. Oh, and: HAHAHAHA!! They're making weapons, but not American weapons, foreign ones. So they must be bad. Because American weapons are always good!), bad dialogue ("I'm surveilled?" Really?? "I like you." Oh, come on! "Everything's illegal in Massachusets." Except bad films, obviously! "I'm the guy with nothing to lose." Not even a career anymore, apparently... "I am SO afraid!" Hahahahaha!), and you got yourself a film that you should avoid more than a one-eyed crack-head hooker in the dark streets of Prague (trust me, I ran into one).
Even the big shocking moments were badly done, and so there was no shock. Or moment. I'm sure that a couple of intellectually-challenged teenagers out there think this was the shit. But they're teenagers. And morons. And for fuck's sake, I've just watched the super crappy finale of 'Lost,' so enough with the happy reunited dead people already!
Oh, and apparently, in Massachussets (did I spell that correctly?), cars don't change lanes or slow down when a cop car is hauling ass on the highway. Trust me, if I wanted to puke, it wasn't because of my pasta (seriously, it was quite good, thanks for asking). I can't believe this kind of shit is still getting made. In ten years, this film is going to be a frat-boy drinking game. I'm not sure what I mean by that, but just go with it.
Hmm... this being said, maybe I got it all wrong: maybe it IS a campy comedy and I wasn't smart enough to get it?!
Yeah, no. Probably not.
Eden A L'Ouest
IMDb Link
I'm writing this review in English instead of French. Mostly because my Greek is a bit rusty.
So... this film is about how fucked up people are. It's about how Europe is a police state. It's about poor people being nice and rich people being evil. But there are some good rich people and some bad poor people. So, in the end: everyone's fucked up (yes, I am a glass-is-half-empty kinda guy).
Rich people like to hang out naked, they treat employees like shit and they're all obsessed with sex. They waste food. And death is fun for them. They got the memory of a fucking fly (to quote Mamet) and they're blah-as-fuck.
All righty then.
Don't get me wrong, I actually liked the film, but like many Costa-Gavras films, the acting is a bit off (except for the woman playing Sophia. With one look you see how much she misses her husband and all the longing and sadness that's in her), but the story is good, as always with Costa-Gavras, so it doesn't matter.
This is a comment on society, on humans. On the haves and have-nots.
In this Eden, most if not all of the deadly sins are represented, and most of the 10 commandments are broken. Lust, greed, coveting thy neighbor's spouse, gluttony, etc... When I say Eden, I mean the high-class resort at the beginning of the film, not Paris. Nobody would mistake Paris for Eden. Except illegal immigrants running from their own countries.
So, the essence of the film is: people are evil. They take advantage of the weak and the gullible. This film should have been called 'Fuck them all!'
Although it is sometimes a bit simplistic in its views of poor vs rich (poor people are good and kind, rich ones are corrupt and evil), I have to say that, well: shit, isn't that the case nowadays? And anyway, even the not so-rich want to fuck the protagonist (literally, yes. But also figuratively). After a while, everybody looks perverted, everybody looks suspicious. And every country's got its own booze.
Boozing and fucking. That's what unites people.
And that's cool.
There is some hope, though. Michel Robin is a kind dude, Duperey is kinda nice (though you wonder why she only gives a jacket), the homeless guys are cool. Even the gypsies are cool. The ones who are definitely not cool are the cops. They're ubiquitous and full of malice. But of course, it's only a film. Of course. Because cops are actually cool. Isn't that right Mr Hortefeux? (Kärcher forever!)
So, as I mentioned above: Europe is one big fucked-up police state, where if you're not exploited, you're fucked. Again: Literally and metaphorically.
Life is good. Come to Europe, land of plenty.
But my question is: if the dude looked like Mason Verger instead of Vincent Chase's twin brother, would the women have been as helpful as they were? Me thinks that's doubtful, yes? On the plus side, people wouldn't have wanted to fuck him. Or with him, for that matter.
So, it's a pretty good film, because it's a Costa-Gavras film, which means it's got heart. A shit load of it. The ending is open-ended. Sad or happy, that's for you to judge. I see it as pretty fucking bleak. But that's me. Then again, Costa-Gavras is known for his super-happy endings, isn't he?
PS: It feels a lot like a Wenders film. There's the road movie, the languages. And, well, that's it. But remember when Wim was making good films?
I'm writing this review in English instead of French. Mostly because my Greek is a bit rusty.
So... this film is about how fucked up people are. It's about how Europe is a police state. It's about poor people being nice and rich people being evil. But there are some good rich people and some bad poor people. So, in the end: everyone's fucked up (yes, I am a glass-is-half-empty kinda guy).
Rich people like to hang out naked, they treat employees like shit and they're all obsessed with sex. They waste food. And death is fun for them. They got the memory of a fucking fly (to quote Mamet) and they're blah-as-fuck.
All righty then.
Don't get me wrong, I actually liked the film, but like many Costa-Gavras films, the acting is a bit off (except for the woman playing Sophia. With one look you see how much she misses her husband and all the longing and sadness that's in her), but the story is good, as always with Costa-Gavras, so it doesn't matter.
This is a comment on society, on humans. On the haves and have-nots.
In this Eden, most if not all of the deadly sins are represented, and most of the 10 commandments are broken. Lust, greed, coveting thy neighbor's spouse, gluttony, etc... When I say Eden, I mean the high-class resort at the beginning of the film, not Paris. Nobody would mistake Paris for Eden. Except illegal immigrants running from their own countries.
So, the essence of the film is: people are evil. They take advantage of the weak and the gullible. This film should have been called 'Fuck them all!'
Although it is sometimes a bit simplistic in its views of poor vs rich (poor people are good and kind, rich ones are corrupt and evil), I have to say that, well: shit, isn't that the case nowadays? And anyway, even the not so-rich want to fuck the protagonist (literally, yes. But also figuratively). After a while, everybody looks perverted, everybody looks suspicious. And every country's got its own booze.
Boozing and fucking. That's what unites people.
And that's cool.
There is some hope, though. Michel Robin is a kind dude, Duperey is kinda nice (though you wonder why she only gives a jacket), the homeless guys are cool. Even the gypsies are cool. The ones who are definitely not cool are the cops. They're ubiquitous and full of malice. But of course, it's only a film. Of course. Because cops are actually cool. Isn't that right Mr Hortefeux? (Kärcher forever!)
So, as I mentioned above: Europe is one big fucked-up police state, where if you're not exploited, you're fucked. Again: Literally and metaphorically.
Life is good. Come to Europe, land of plenty.
But my question is: if the dude looked like Mason Verger instead of Vincent Chase's twin brother, would the women have been as helpful as they were? Me thinks that's doubtful, yes? On the plus side, people wouldn't have wanted to fuck him. Or with him, for that matter.
So, it's a pretty good film, because it's a Costa-Gavras film, which means it's got heart. A shit load of it. The ending is open-ended. Sad or happy, that's for you to judge. I see it as pretty fucking bleak. But that's me. Then again, Costa-Gavras is known for his super-happy endings, isn't he?
PS: It feels a lot like a Wenders film. There's the road movie, the languages. And, well, that's it. But remember when Wim was making good films?
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Stolen
IMDb Link
Hi there, don't mind me while I open up my Big Box of Clichés...
1. Golly, us God-fearin' farm folks are sure in a pickle. Pa' lost the farm and Ma' hung herself and now she's with Jesus.
2. I'm a tough cop and my kid got kidnapped and I'm totally obsessed with finding him. Now my marriage is on the rocks.
Yawn. What. Ever.
They're trying to be all original because it's the parallel stories of two men, one is about a guy trying to find his son, the other is about how another guy lost his son.
Gasp. Incredible, right?
It's not.
Hey, have you noticed how many silver screen thespians are on TV now? Top of my head: Giancarlo Esposito, Glenn Close, William Hurt, Charlie Sheen, Martin Sheen, John Goodman (yeah, yeah, 'Roseanne.'), Alec Baldwin, Christian Slater, etc...
And then you have a film with the actors from 'Mad Men,' 'Weeds,' 'Boston Legal,' 'V (Ms Baccarin is stunning and almost unrecognizable with long hair),' 'Dawson Creek,' 'Band of Brothers.' Not that there's anything wrong with that. My point is: it's just weird. Oh, and by the way I've seen this film when it was a TV show called 'The Forgotten.' And it got cancelled. And one of its actors plays a bartender in this film (and it ain't Slater)! And just like in the TV show, this film has a wax model made of what the victim looked like. And just like the show, they get the hairdo right. So I'm wondering: is your hairdo part of your DNA? From the mullets in the Southern States and Germany, one would think so...
Anyway, the whole film/TV crossover must mean that TV has become a better medium than films. And after watching this tinseltown classic, I can only agree.
Imagine a mix between 'The Pledge' (kids being murdered, obsession, rabbits instead of hedgehogs), 'A Perfect World' (60s Americana, a boy and a man bonding on the road), 'Forrest Gump' (the South, the slow boy' and 'The Lovely Bones' (child murders, again).
While they might all be good (or great. Or crappy) films on their own, a mix ain't that good. It's as if you decided to mix Bombay Sapphire gin, Nutella, foie gras and Lagavulin together. Wouldn't be good. Although I'm sure some 'Nouvelle Cuisine' asshole out there is gonna market this and make a fortune. Called 'Petit Déjeuner des rois.' Gag me with a spoon. But I digress, again.
The best moments are the transitions between past and present, they're pretty smooth and eerie at the same time.
But the dialogue, oh mama! The wife talking to her husband on the phone, about the latter's mother (I'm paraphrasing): "Your mother is coming. Every time she reads one of those stories, she comes here." Yeah, because her husband didn't know, so she had to tell him.
Or the car stopping at a gas station, at a pump and the attendent: "Need some gas?" No. I just want to talk to your hot wife so you can draw a gun on me and in no way whatsoever contribute to the story. Except that we're gonna see Ms Baccarin some more, and that's okay with me.
How about this one: "I don't want trouble. With the law."
"I wanna thank you for being a good friend to us." And it's told to the killer! Oh, no! BAZINGA!
"He was very sad, really." Weird. I mean it's not like his son disappeared or anything. Oh, wait...
Anyway, thhere are 50 more lines that are as bad as these. This is what happens when actors think they can write. Seriously, a blindfolded monkey with a pineapple up his ass could write better dialogue than this.
There's no suspense, there's no drama and that's something because it takes some kind of special person to not have drama in a film that deals with dead kids.
Anyway, point is: as a God-fearing Christian, if you have sex with a married woman, your kid will get killed. The whole wrath thingie, I guess. And of course: TV shows are now more worth watching that most films.
Hi there, don't mind me while I open up my Big Box of Clichés...
1. Golly, us God-fearin' farm folks are sure in a pickle. Pa' lost the farm and Ma' hung herself and now she's with Jesus.
2. I'm a tough cop and my kid got kidnapped and I'm totally obsessed with finding him. Now my marriage is on the rocks.
Yawn. What. Ever.
They're trying to be all original because it's the parallel stories of two men, one is about a guy trying to find his son, the other is about how another guy lost his son.
Gasp. Incredible, right?
It's not.
Hey, have you noticed how many silver screen thespians are on TV now? Top of my head: Giancarlo Esposito, Glenn Close, William Hurt, Charlie Sheen, Martin Sheen, John Goodman (yeah, yeah, 'Roseanne.'), Alec Baldwin, Christian Slater, etc...
And then you have a film with the actors from 'Mad Men,' 'Weeds,' 'Boston Legal,' 'V (Ms Baccarin is stunning and almost unrecognizable with long hair),' 'Dawson Creek,' 'Band of Brothers.' Not that there's anything wrong with that. My point is: it's just weird. Oh, and by the way I've seen this film when it was a TV show called 'The Forgotten.' And it got cancelled. And one of its actors plays a bartender in this film (and it ain't Slater)! And just like in the TV show, this film has a wax model made of what the victim looked like. And just like the show, they get the hairdo right. So I'm wondering: is your hairdo part of your DNA? From the mullets in the Southern States and Germany, one would think so...
Anyway, the whole film/TV crossover must mean that TV has become a better medium than films. And after watching this tinseltown classic, I can only agree.
Imagine a mix between 'The Pledge' (kids being murdered, obsession, rabbits instead of hedgehogs), 'A Perfect World' (60s Americana, a boy and a man bonding on the road), 'Forrest Gump' (the South, the slow boy' and 'The Lovely Bones' (child murders, again).
While they might all be good (or great. Or crappy) films on their own, a mix ain't that good. It's as if you decided to mix Bombay Sapphire gin, Nutella, foie gras and Lagavulin together. Wouldn't be good. Although I'm sure some 'Nouvelle Cuisine' asshole out there is gonna market this and make a fortune. Called 'Petit Déjeuner des rois.' Gag me with a spoon. But I digress, again.
The best moments are the transitions between past and present, they're pretty smooth and eerie at the same time.
But the dialogue, oh mama! The wife talking to her husband on the phone, about the latter's mother (I'm paraphrasing): "Your mother is coming. Every time she reads one of those stories, she comes here." Yeah, because her husband didn't know, so she had to tell him.
Or the car stopping at a gas station, at a pump and the attendent: "Need some gas?" No. I just want to talk to your hot wife so you can draw a gun on me and in no way whatsoever contribute to the story. Except that we're gonna see Ms Baccarin some more, and that's okay with me.
How about this one: "I don't want trouble. With the law."
"I wanna thank you for being a good friend to us." And it's told to the killer! Oh, no! BAZINGA!
"He was very sad, really." Weird. I mean it's not like his son disappeared or anything. Oh, wait...
Anyway, thhere are 50 more lines that are as bad as these. This is what happens when actors think they can write. Seriously, a blindfolded monkey with a pineapple up his ass could write better dialogue than this.
There's no suspense, there's no drama and that's something because it takes some kind of special person to not have drama in a film that deals with dead kids.
Anyway, point is: as a God-fearing Christian, if you have sex with a married woman, your kid will get killed. The whole wrath thingie, I guess. And of course: TV shows are now more worth watching that most films.
Extraordinary Measures
IMDb Link
First 'uh oh' happens immediately: CBS films. WTF?
Second 'uh oh,' a second later: 'Inspired by true events.'
Inspired. Not based. Sorry, but isn't almost every film inspired by true events? Love, break-ups, gangsters, westerns. I guess everything except for sci-fi could be seen as inspired by real events.
A family has a sick child. Bang! There's a film!
I ate too much tuna. Bang! There's a film in there! "Toxic Tuna!"
I stubbed my toe. Literally: bang! Another film! "Revenge of the killer bed!"
Anyhoo... I love it when Hollywood condenses everything so that audiences can understand it all and not get bored.
Afternoon: the kid's 8th birthday party.
Evening: The dad reads 9 years is the max a kid with a certain disease can live.
Morning: Kid's in hospital, dying.
Of course the fact that she's a very sick kid is not enough, we gotta love her a whole bunch, so we see her 'bowl,' we see her playing around with her brother, she talks about penguins. She's a fighter, she loves life so so much.
Awww... so cute. Because an 8-year-old dying isn't enough to inspire compassion into the cold hearts of audiences anymore. For that to happen, you need overly-dramatic talentless vampires or blue extra-terrestrians.
You even got the cold-hearted business men who don't care about mortality. They're wearing suits and they're so so mean! But fear not, the good guys are there! They stand up, shake things up, cue the swelling violins! All people in the audience weep.
Of course if the atrocious disease with muscle degradation and impending doom is not enough, you always have the kind of music that would make Kevorkian weep. And then you have weepy families introducing their sick children. If you don't have tears in your eyes, you're a robot. You are going to cry, yes you are. Cry.
Cry, dammit! CRY! We'll even have a kid dying off-screen to have some quality on-screen hugs!
Yes... This film REALLY wants you to cry. REALLY. The only other way it could get worse would be if the doctor said: "Your daughter's a fighter, but um... it seems she got the plague. And we had to cut her arms off."
And then the mother would get on her knees, raise her hands to the sky (à la Platoon) and go: "Nooooooo!"
Not a dry eye in the audience.
And of course, Ford is an absent-minded genius, but a true pickup-driving American. He's from the heartland. And he's got heart. Coz he's an American, don't you know. Watching football, listening to American tunes, wearing jeans, fishing, drinking Bud, and eating American food. Fuck, yeah! I'm surprised they don't have a scene with him karaoking to John Mellencamp. And... 'I don't care about money, I'm a scientist!' Oh, and his name's Bob.
I think Ford suffers the same disease as Cage (except that the former still got hair): they stopped acting, they just play themselves. Don't get me wrong, I like them both, but with every new film they star in that I watch, I ask myself why I like them.
As a great American film, they of course have to keep it light-hearted, by adding 'jokes,' and light moments. Which I'm sure people found hilarious. I mean, show a dying kid. Then make a bad pun and the need for tension breaking is so great that you'll laugh yourself silly.
That, by the way, is my theory behind Czech 'humor,' but that's for another day.
What I'm saying is: if you don't know where this film is going, or if you find it sad at any moment, you are not quite a genius and you probably think that 'Twilight' is awesome and that 'Avatar' is totally cool.
And you probably like Kesha, you dumb fuck.
That was out of line, I'm sorry.
No, I'm not.
PS: Scientists can't spell 'refrigerator?'
PPS: Jared Harris rules. I'm sad he's in this film. But glad he's in films.
PPS: We're supposed to believe that the anorexic Russell had THREE kids? I think not. Or she's one mega MILF.
Oh, ooops, out of line again.
First 'uh oh' happens immediately: CBS films. WTF?
Second 'uh oh,' a second later: 'Inspired by true events.'
Inspired. Not based. Sorry, but isn't almost every film inspired by true events? Love, break-ups, gangsters, westerns. I guess everything except for sci-fi could be seen as inspired by real events.
A family has a sick child. Bang! There's a film!
I ate too much tuna. Bang! There's a film in there! "Toxic Tuna!"
I stubbed my toe. Literally: bang! Another film! "Revenge of the killer bed!"
Anyhoo... I love it when Hollywood condenses everything so that audiences can understand it all and not get bored.
Afternoon: the kid's 8th birthday party.
Evening: The dad reads 9 years is the max a kid with a certain disease can live.
Morning: Kid's in hospital, dying.
Of course the fact that she's a very sick kid is not enough, we gotta love her a whole bunch, so we see her 'bowl,' we see her playing around with her brother, she talks about penguins. She's a fighter, she loves life so so much.
Awww... so cute. Because an 8-year-old dying isn't enough to inspire compassion into the cold hearts of audiences anymore. For that to happen, you need overly-dramatic talentless vampires or blue extra-terrestrians.
You even got the cold-hearted business men who don't care about mortality. They're wearing suits and they're so so mean! But fear not, the good guys are there! They stand up, shake things up, cue the swelling violins! All people in the audience weep.
Of course if the atrocious disease with muscle degradation and impending doom is not enough, you always have the kind of music that would make Kevorkian weep. And then you have weepy families introducing their sick children. If you don't have tears in your eyes, you're a robot. You are going to cry, yes you are. Cry.
Cry, dammit! CRY! We'll even have a kid dying off-screen to have some quality on-screen hugs!
Yes... This film REALLY wants you to cry. REALLY. The only other way it could get worse would be if the doctor said: "Your daughter's a fighter, but um... it seems she got the plague. And we had to cut her arms off."
And then the mother would get on her knees, raise her hands to the sky (à la Platoon) and go: "Nooooooo!"
Not a dry eye in the audience.
And of course, Ford is an absent-minded genius, but a true pickup-driving American. He's from the heartland. And he's got heart. Coz he's an American, don't you know. Watching football, listening to American tunes, wearing jeans, fishing, drinking Bud, and eating American food. Fuck, yeah! I'm surprised they don't have a scene with him karaoking to John Mellencamp. And... 'I don't care about money, I'm a scientist!' Oh, and his name's Bob.
I think Ford suffers the same disease as Cage (except that the former still got hair): they stopped acting, they just play themselves. Don't get me wrong, I like them both, but with every new film they star in that I watch, I ask myself why I like them.
As a great American film, they of course have to keep it light-hearted, by adding 'jokes,' and light moments. Which I'm sure people found hilarious. I mean, show a dying kid. Then make a bad pun and the need for tension breaking is so great that you'll laugh yourself silly.
That, by the way, is my theory behind Czech 'humor,' but that's for another day.
What I'm saying is: if you don't know where this film is going, or if you find it sad at any moment, you are not quite a genius and you probably think that 'Twilight' is awesome and that 'Avatar' is totally cool.
And you probably like Kesha, you dumb fuck.
That was out of line, I'm sorry.
No, I'm not.
PS: Scientists can't spell 'refrigerator?'
PPS: Jared Harris rules. I'm sad he's in this film. But glad he's in films.
PPS: We're supposed to believe that the anorexic Russell had THREE kids? I think not. Or she's one mega MILF.
Oh, ooops, out of line again.
Incontrôlable
IMDb Link
Truffaut a un jour écrit, dans les Cahiers du Cinéma, "Il a fait Kafka dans sa culotte."
Voilà pour la minute culturelle.
Pour parler de ce film, je vais commencer avec: "Il a chié sur l'ecran. Et il nous a emmerdé au passage."
J'ai beau être un scenariste minable qui fume, boit trop, apprécie la mayonnaise et qui n'a pas de copine, jamais je n'écrirai une merde pareille... C'est peut-être pour ça que je suis toujours fauché.
En plus, je sais que c'est le rêve de tous les scenaristes d'écrire un scenario qui charme la femme de nos rêves, mais bon, trust me: ça marche pas!
Donc, par où commencer? Par les 'références' à Fellini et une clinique qui s'appelle B. Wilder, c'est du blaspheme pur et dur.
Et au fait: pourquoi le corps (qui se nomme Rex. Car mon corps est roi) voudrait-il que Georges se fasse casser la gueule?
Je vais vous dire pourquoi: pour avoir une excuse à foutre des blagues à deux balles.
Voilà ce qui arrive quand les conneries hollywoodiennes 'inspirent' les français. Déjà que sans Hollywood ils sont pas terribles, mais alors là, c'est la cata, la cata? La catastrophe. (Amis héxagonaux: c'est pour de rire. Vous avez quelques bons films après tout!)
Donc nous avons un ramassis de clichés hollywoodien, des blagues pas marrantes... C'est une cascade de conneries. On a droit à la totale: la musique pop, les 'blagues' sur les nains, les 'blagues' homophobes, le ketchup dans la gueule, l'histoire d'amour à la con, les vieux sourds et déments. Les 'blagues'gratuites qui ne font pas rire et ne tiennent pas la route. Et bien sûr un numéro musical bancal, un numéro dançant ennuyant et une baston à la con (je suis si inpsiré que je ryhme!) et bien sur le type qui coure dans les rues sur fond musical pour retrouver la femme qu'il aime.
J'imagine qu'il doit y avoir des petits bambins de 4 ans qui ont trouvé ce film hilarant, mais à mon avis ils doivent être le fruit d'une relation incestueuse. Ces mêmes petits cons doivent trouver hilarant de gueuler comme des porcs égorgés: 'Ouar Zaza!' Ces petits bouts-de-chous sont sûrement en ce moment même en train de regarder une émission d'Ardisson.
Ce film devrait donc s'appeler 'Un con (trop) minable.' Oui, c'est de l'humour à la Michaël Youn.
Le plus triste, c'est de voir dans ce film des noms tels que Girardot, Lhermitte (qui est le seul personnage amusant, même s'il est une caricature), Laspales, Timsit et Hélène de Fougerolles, qui est la seule bonne raison de voir le film.
Haha.
J'ai dit 'bonne.' Haha, tu piges, mec?
Merde! Le film a eu un effet négatif sur ma trop-faible personne. Je doit me taper un marathon Frères Coen, pour stabiliser la chose... Mais d'abord: une petite lobotomie-maison pour oublier d'avoir vu ce film.
PS: Le plus triste? Je me suis taper un film pareil un samedi soir. Et j'écris ces mots un samedi soir. C'est super excitant d'être scénariste!
Truffaut a un jour écrit, dans les Cahiers du Cinéma, "Il a fait Kafka dans sa culotte."
Voilà pour la minute culturelle.
Pour parler de ce film, je vais commencer avec: "Il a chié sur l'ecran. Et il nous a emmerdé au passage."
J'ai beau être un scenariste minable qui fume, boit trop, apprécie la mayonnaise et qui n'a pas de copine, jamais je n'écrirai une merde pareille... C'est peut-être pour ça que je suis toujours fauché.
En plus, je sais que c'est le rêve de tous les scenaristes d'écrire un scenario qui charme la femme de nos rêves, mais bon, trust me: ça marche pas!
Donc, par où commencer? Par les 'références' à Fellini et une clinique qui s'appelle B. Wilder, c'est du blaspheme pur et dur.
Et au fait: pourquoi le corps (qui se nomme Rex. Car mon corps est roi) voudrait-il que Georges se fasse casser la gueule?
Je vais vous dire pourquoi: pour avoir une excuse à foutre des blagues à deux balles.
Voilà ce qui arrive quand les conneries hollywoodiennes 'inspirent' les français. Déjà que sans Hollywood ils sont pas terribles, mais alors là, c'est la cata, la cata? La catastrophe. (Amis héxagonaux: c'est pour de rire. Vous avez quelques bons films après tout!)
Donc nous avons un ramassis de clichés hollywoodien, des blagues pas marrantes... C'est une cascade de conneries. On a droit à la totale: la musique pop, les 'blagues' sur les nains, les 'blagues' homophobes, le ketchup dans la gueule, l'histoire d'amour à la con, les vieux sourds et déments. Les 'blagues'gratuites qui ne font pas rire et ne tiennent pas la route. Et bien sûr un numéro musical bancal, un numéro dançant ennuyant et une baston à la con (je suis si inpsiré que je ryhme!) et bien sur le type qui coure dans les rues sur fond musical pour retrouver la femme qu'il aime.
J'imagine qu'il doit y avoir des petits bambins de 4 ans qui ont trouvé ce film hilarant, mais à mon avis ils doivent être le fruit d'une relation incestueuse. Ces mêmes petits cons doivent trouver hilarant de gueuler comme des porcs égorgés: 'Ouar Zaza!' Ces petits bouts-de-chous sont sûrement en ce moment même en train de regarder une émission d'Ardisson.
Ce film devrait donc s'appeler 'Un con (trop) minable.' Oui, c'est de l'humour à la Michaël Youn.
Le plus triste, c'est de voir dans ce film des noms tels que Girardot, Lhermitte (qui est le seul personnage amusant, même s'il est une caricature), Laspales, Timsit et Hélène de Fougerolles, qui est la seule bonne raison de voir le film.
Haha.
J'ai dit 'bonne.' Haha, tu piges, mec?
Merde! Le film a eu un effet négatif sur ma trop-faible personne. Je doit me taper un marathon Frères Coen, pour stabiliser la chose... Mais d'abord: une petite lobotomie-maison pour oublier d'avoir vu ce film.
PS: Le plus triste? Je me suis taper un film pareil un samedi soir. Et j'écris ces mots un samedi soir. C'est super excitant d'être scénariste!
Die Welle
IMDb Link
The title means "The Wave." Just letting you know, since apparently me writing down original titles makes me look pretentious.
Anyway...
Yes, yes: the end is a bit predictable: you know who'll be blamed, who'll die, and who'll end up with their loved ones, but at the end of the day, with the resurgence of neo-fuckheads, this film is an important one.
Of course, and obviously, said fuckheads won't be watching this film 'coz they'll be too busy masturbating in their rifles (that's a Bill Maher paraphrase), but still...
It's about how people can be so easily influenced. You throw in a uniform and a bit of 'Gemeinschaft,' some authority figure and a dash of goose-stepping and wham bam thank you ma'am: you got yourself a fascist state.
This film kept reminding me of a postcard I have at home that says "never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups." You put in jocks, bullies, outcasts and misfits, you stir the shit and they will turn into a ruthless brainless gang (hmm... me thinks that was a pleonasm).
The teacher is Hitler, Stalin, Polpot, it doesn't matter (even though the salute and the word 'Fuehrer' make us think of a certain mustachioed one-balled someone).
People are dumb, people are lost, they need a voice and a leader and they'll be ready to vandalise, bully and kill for you.
'You're either for us or against us,' and the crowd goes wild. This isn't so much the Braunau over-achiever's words, these have a bit more of a Crawford, Texas twinge to 'em (and the teacher got a simple but great sticker on his mailbox. But stickers are mere propaganda, as this film also shows us. Wow. Wine makes me deep).
It all comes down to this: humans are fucking predictable and loathsome.
Ah but, ah but...
How about this?...
Instead of blaming people as a whole, instead of focusing on their stupidity, how about we blame everything on one guy? Then, when this guy is gone (be it by a bullet in the head/incineration, a stroke, or hung upside down in a gas station), we can move on.
"I was only following orders." "I just wanted to belong."
Sounds familiar?
So, this film is great because it:
a - shows how stupid people are
and:
b - how stupider people are, because it's always easier to blame everything on one guy. Let's demonize ONE guy and forget about it all.
Sure.
"I really didn't want to gas all those people, but my immediate superior told me to."
"When I got to Babi Yar, I thought it was gonna be a big keg party. It wasn't, but since I was already there, I thought: 'What the hell, might as well join in...'"
Yeah. Sure.
And then you have to ask why I'm a misanthrope.
The title means "The Wave." Just letting you know, since apparently me writing down original titles makes me look pretentious.
Anyway...
Yes, yes: the end is a bit predictable: you know who'll be blamed, who'll die, and who'll end up with their loved ones, but at the end of the day, with the resurgence of neo-fuckheads, this film is an important one.
Of course, and obviously, said fuckheads won't be watching this film 'coz they'll be too busy masturbating in their rifles (that's a Bill Maher paraphrase), but still...
It's about how people can be so easily influenced. You throw in a uniform and a bit of 'Gemeinschaft,' some authority figure and a dash of goose-stepping and wham bam thank you ma'am: you got yourself a fascist state.
This film kept reminding me of a postcard I have at home that says "never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups." You put in jocks, bullies, outcasts and misfits, you stir the shit and they will turn into a ruthless brainless gang (hmm... me thinks that was a pleonasm).
The teacher is Hitler, Stalin, Polpot, it doesn't matter (even though the salute and the word 'Fuehrer' make us think of a certain mustachioed one-balled someone).
People are dumb, people are lost, they need a voice and a leader and they'll be ready to vandalise, bully and kill for you.
'You're either for us or against us,' and the crowd goes wild. This isn't so much the Braunau over-achiever's words, these have a bit more of a Crawford, Texas twinge to 'em (and the teacher got a simple but great sticker on his mailbox. But stickers are mere propaganda, as this film also shows us. Wow. Wine makes me deep).
It all comes down to this: humans are fucking predictable and loathsome.
Ah but, ah but...
How about this?...
Instead of blaming people as a whole, instead of focusing on their stupidity, how about we blame everything on one guy? Then, when this guy is gone (be it by a bullet in the head/incineration, a stroke, or hung upside down in a gas station), we can move on.
"I was only following orders." "I just wanted to belong."
Sounds familiar?
So, this film is great because it:
a - shows how stupid people are
and:
b - how stupider people are, because it's always easier to blame everything on one guy. Let's demonize ONE guy and forget about it all.
Sure.
"I really didn't want to gas all those people, but my immediate superior told me to."
"When I got to Babi Yar, I thought it was gonna be a big keg party. It wasn't, but since I was already there, I thought: 'What the hell, might as well join in...'"
Yeah. Sure.
And then you have to ask why I'm a misanthrope.
Valentine's Day
IMDb Link
Well...
I've never seen so many white people in LA. And apparently everybody there is beautiful. And rich. Because let's face it: everybody in LA's filthy rich and toned and romantic. Yeah. I must have been the exception (except for the romantic part. Silly me!). Oh, and 18 year-olds (with perfect complexion) think they're not ready to have sex. In LA! HAHAHA!
One of the only fatso you see is an annoying guy holding up the security line at the airport.
One day in LA, fat people will be sent to camps and we'll never hear from them again.
This film is nothing more than eye candy for men and women, straight or gay. Everyone will be happy to look at the beautiful people. Anyway, there's not much else to see or watch because the story, uh... well, it's about couples on St. Valentine's Day. It's a big sweet bonanza of "awww" moments with a few giggles thrown in for good measure. And a couple of heart breaks (but still, you go "awwww" in the end. That is if you're too dumb
to know how it's gonna end). But really, were two hours needed for this? 30 minutes would have sufficed.
People fall in love, people are romantic, life's awesome, yaddee yaddee yada.
This film might be even more depressing than 'Love Actually.' And I wasn't even drunk when I was watching it.
Of course, like every happy/amusing Hollywood film, you have a 'spontaneous' fun moment where people start dancing. It was hard to keep my lunch down at that point. Whenever a film has a dancing moment with most of the cast, I want to shove an ice-pick in my right eye.
And of course you get treated to bloopers during the closing credits. Boy, oh, boy!
This is a perfect film to watch and convince yourself life is good. Thanks to it, you can forget you're being brainwashed by the media. What crisis? What misery? It's always sunny, everybody's beautiful, healthy, and happy. And as you walk out of the theater, back to your dreary lives, bumping into the overweight slobs who are brushing off the leftover popcorn on their shirts with their mustard-stained fingers, keep thinking of this film. Remember that life is good. Remember that when you get back to your overpriced one-bedroom you can barely afford and start watching Wheel of Fortune, another TV show with smiley people under bright lights.
Life is good.
And Saint Valentine's day is really about love. It's not about making money or brainwashing you.
If the powers that be decided that St. Luke's day was the day to play badminton, I bet you people would be lining up to buy badminton gear and send badminton-themed cards on that day.
We suck, we are sheep.
Wait: does it sound like I'm bitter and single? Does it?
Nah, I don't think so.
PS: In what world can Jessican Biel be single?!
PPS: You want to see a story about couples (one of whom is a sex-phone worker, too) in Los Angeles? Watch 'Short Cuts.'
Well...
I've never seen so many white people in LA. And apparently everybody there is beautiful. And rich. Because let's face it: everybody in LA's filthy rich and toned and romantic. Yeah. I must have been the exception (except for the romantic part. Silly me!). Oh, and 18 year-olds (with perfect complexion) think they're not ready to have sex. In LA! HAHAHA!
One of the only fatso you see is an annoying guy holding up the security line at the airport.
One day in LA, fat people will be sent to camps and we'll never hear from them again.
This film is nothing more than eye candy for men and women, straight or gay. Everyone will be happy to look at the beautiful people. Anyway, there's not much else to see or watch because the story, uh... well, it's about couples on St. Valentine's Day. It's a big sweet bonanza of "awww" moments with a few giggles thrown in for good measure. And a couple of heart breaks (but still, you go "awwww" in the end. That is if you're too dumb
to know how it's gonna end). But really, were two hours needed for this? 30 minutes would have sufficed.
People fall in love, people are romantic, life's awesome, yaddee yaddee yada.
This film might be even more depressing than 'Love Actually.' And I wasn't even drunk when I was watching it.
Of course, like every happy/amusing Hollywood film, you have a 'spontaneous' fun moment where people start dancing. It was hard to keep my lunch down at that point. Whenever a film has a dancing moment with most of the cast, I want to shove an ice-pick in my right eye.
And of course you get treated to bloopers during the closing credits. Boy, oh, boy!
This is a perfect film to watch and convince yourself life is good. Thanks to it, you can forget you're being brainwashed by the media. What crisis? What misery? It's always sunny, everybody's beautiful, healthy, and happy. And as you walk out of the theater, back to your dreary lives, bumping into the overweight slobs who are brushing off the leftover popcorn on their shirts with their mustard-stained fingers, keep thinking of this film. Remember that life is good. Remember that when you get back to your overpriced one-bedroom you can barely afford and start watching Wheel of Fortune, another TV show with smiley people under bright lights.
Life is good.
And Saint Valentine's day is really about love. It's not about making money or brainwashing you.
If the powers that be decided that St. Luke's day was the day to play badminton, I bet you people would be lining up to buy badminton gear and send badminton-themed cards on that day.
We suck, we are sheep.
Wait: does it sound like I'm bitter and single? Does it?
Nah, I don't think so.
PS: In what world can Jessican Biel be single?!
PPS: You want to see a story about couples (one of whom is a sex-phone worker, too) in Los Angeles? Watch 'Short Cuts.'
SALT
Hello my three readers, how have you been? Missed me? Well, here I am for a new 'review...'
Not sure how to start in a subtle fashion, so: How lucky can the bitch be?! She finds a truck at the right moment, and then another and then another, and then a bike and there's traffic and the highly-trained (we assume) CIA agent can't shoot for shit and, apparently, the CIA can't dispatch a fucking 'copter on her ass. Shit, even B'more's got Fox Trot to find Kima's shooters!
I mean, they got a room that can read brain waves and shit, but no chopper? Really? This might be why we still haven't won the war on terror: lack of priorities.
So, if Bourne and MacGyver had a love child, it would have luscious lips, great legs and three dozen babies. I don't get the whole Jolie thing, apparently all women, straight or not so straight, have a fantasy that involves her. I wouldn't kick her out of bed, but hell: at this point I'd wine and dine Ms Sidibe (no, he didn't!), who I'm sure has a lovely personality.
So I'm a cock, eat me.
And sister, please (sorry, I've been rewatching 'The Wire' lately, pardon the corner talk): when you look
the way you look, would contacts and fake teeth be enough to go unnoticed? What about a fake nose/glasses/'stache thingy? No, you gotta go Theron in 'Monster,' at least, if you want to evade the CIA. Or apparently not. At least she finally gets her hair black in the end, the way it should be.
I think that's why Ossama can't be found: because he's dressed like Clouseau dressed as Quasimodo and floating around Paris. Or he's wearing a blue turban and shaved his beard and goes around as Ahmed. That's hi-tech for you.
I have to say, I am a bit surprised that Jolie would be in a film like this, but then I thought of the afore-mentioned 36 babies. Those rugrats gotta be expensive...
At least the bad guys aren't Muslims, they're good old-fashioned Russians. Kudos on the Medvedev look-alike and the almost-homonymous name, but seriously, not to get political or anything: does anybody think Medvedev has any power whatsover? They should have called the character Putinka, or Poot-in. Or Poutout, or whatever.
And wait: the US VP dies and the only foreign dignitary is the Russian Pres? Huh?? I know the Poles are probably worried about boarding a plane nowadays (zing!), but what about the other countries? I know nobody would give a fuck in real life, but to think that only Russia would is just weird. Plus the Pres speaks in English, sure. Because all big-time politicians all around the world speak English. I would know, I live in Turkey (this calls for a Bazinga!).
Ah, crazy Hollywood people, who don't seem to know the damage grenades actually do on a person. Or that flying off a freeway in an SUV would at the very least bruise you. A bit.
And, wait: You get Andre Braugher, and all he's got is a glorified part as an extra? Really?
Never mind the fact that I could not get involved in the story because I didn't give a rat's ass about the main character: maybe she's guilty, maybe she's not. Unless she undresses, I don't give a shit. And she never does, so I don't (give a shit, that is). And anyway, if you're the kind of person who got surprised by her real guilt or non-guilt, and by who was actually guilty (or not), then okay: this film was made for you. Now go buy a Big-Mac and some discounted Calvin Klein jeans at Marshall's before plopping down in your sofa to watch reruns of 'Rosanne' with a bucket of greasy KFC on your laps. And once that's done: fuck off.
There's a lot of action, and pow-pows, some ker-plows and a few bang-bangs. Yawn. Why isn't she naked? It is a very simplistic take on the film, granted, but after having seeing her acting talent in 'The Changeling,' why would she be in a film like this? Oh... Coz there's only one Eastwood out there. And the 36 kids, here we are again. Oh, but wait: she was in 'Hackers' and 'Wanted,' wasn't she?
So 'Changeling' was a fluke.
All this being said, it's always a pleasure to see Mr Schreiber on screen. And you see a bit of Jolie's legs, so what the hell.
But... Why spiders? Fuck, these things are nasty! Me no like those arachnid fucks! It's just because of their poisonous bites? Wowee, that was a big shock by the way.
Sorry, but come 9pm, when I'm getting my drink on I want one of two things: a great story or naked women. Or both. I got neither with this waste of time.
PS: I want to see a lips fight: Jolie vs Beart. Place your bets!
PPS: Coming soon to a theater near you: 'Salt 2.' You think?
Not sure how to start in a subtle fashion, so: How lucky can the bitch be?! She finds a truck at the right moment, and then another and then another, and then a bike and there's traffic and the highly-trained (we assume) CIA agent can't shoot for shit and, apparently, the CIA can't dispatch a fucking 'copter on her ass. Shit, even B'more's got Fox Trot to find Kima's shooters!
I mean, they got a room that can read brain waves and shit, but no chopper? Really? This might be why we still haven't won the war on terror: lack of priorities.
So, if Bourne and MacGyver had a love child, it would have luscious lips, great legs and three dozen babies. I don't get the whole Jolie thing, apparently all women, straight or not so straight, have a fantasy that involves her. I wouldn't kick her out of bed, but hell: at this point I'd wine and dine Ms Sidibe (no, he didn't!), who I'm sure has a lovely personality.
So I'm a cock, eat me.
And sister, please (sorry, I've been rewatching 'The Wire' lately, pardon the corner talk): when you look
the way you look, would contacts and fake teeth be enough to go unnoticed? What about a fake nose/glasses/'stache thingy? No, you gotta go Theron in 'Monster,' at least, if you want to evade the CIA. Or apparently not. At least she finally gets her hair black in the end, the way it should be.
I think that's why Ossama can't be found: because he's dressed like Clouseau dressed as Quasimodo and floating around Paris. Or he's wearing a blue turban and shaved his beard and goes around as Ahmed. That's hi-tech for you.
I have to say, I am a bit surprised that Jolie would be in a film like this, but then I thought of the afore-mentioned 36 babies. Those rugrats gotta be expensive...
At least the bad guys aren't Muslims, they're good old-fashioned Russians. Kudos on the Medvedev look-alike and the almost-homonymous name, but seriously, not to get political or anything: does anybody think Medvedev has any power whatsover? They should have called the character Putinka, or Poot-in. Or Poutout, or whatever.
And wait: the US VP dies and the only foreign dignitary is the Russian Pres? Huh?? I know the Poles are probably worried about boarding a plane nowadays (zing!), but what about the other countries? I know nobody would give a fuck in real life, but to think that only Russia would is just weird. Plus the Pres speaks in English, sure. Because all big-time politicians all around the world speak English. I would know, I live in Turkey (this calls for a Bazinga!).
Ah, crazy Hollywood people, who don't seem to know the damage grenades actually do on a person. Or that flying off a freeway in an SUV would at the very least bruise you. A bit.
And, wait: You get Andre Braugher, and all he's got is a glorified part as an extra? Really?
Never mind the fact that I could not get involved in the story because I didn't give a rat's ass about the main character: maybe she's guilty, maybe she's not. Unless she undresses, I don't give a shit. And she never does, so I don't (give a shit, that is). And anyway, if you're the kind of person who got surprised by her real guilt or non-guilt, and by who was actually guilty (or not), then okay: this film was made for you. Now go buy a Big-Mac and some discounted Calvin Klein jeans at Marshall's before plopping down in your sofa to watch reruns of 'Rosanne' with a bucket of greasy KFC on your laps. And once that's done: fuck off.
There's a lot of action, and pow-pows, some ker-plows and a few bang-bangs. Yawn. Why isn't she naked? It is a very simplistic take on the film, granted, but after having seeing her acting talent in 'The Changeling,' why would she be in a film like this? Oh... Coz there's only one Eastwood out there. And the 36 kids, here we are again. Oh, but wait: she was in 'Hackers' and 'Wanted,' wasn't she?
So 'Changeling' was a fluke.
All this being said, it's always a pleasure to see Mr Schreiber on screen. And you see a bit of Jolie's legs, so what the hell.
But... Why spiders? Fuck, these things are nasty! Me no like those arachnid fucks! It's just because of their poisonous bites? Wowee, that was a big shock by the way.
Sorry, but come 9pm, when I'm getting my drink on I want one of two things: a great story or naked women. Or both. I got neither with this waste of time.
PS: I want to see a lips fight: Jolie vs Beart. Place your bets!
PPS: Coming soon to a theater near you: 'Salt 2.' You think?
Machete
IMDb Link
The story is preposterous at best. It's over the top and pointless.
And that's why it's so much fucking fun to watch, because it's bad on purpose.
It doesn't really matter that Rodriguez keeps making the same film over and over again, because it's always entertaining as hell. There's some crazy shit going on in there, I won't even talk about it to not give anything away, but trust me: it's crazy shit.
And it is a lot of fun to see De Niro, Seagal and Don Johnson playing total assholes. And you can tell they're having fun, too. If Max Cady became a senator, and the Bush staff wrote his speeches, this is what McLaughlin would be.
And Machete, well... Trejo used to be a real-life badass. I'm sure he's a very nice man nowadays, but fuck,
who'd want to ever fuck with his shit? One look from him is enough to make you weep uncontrollably.
So, if you like blood and dismemberment and hot girls shooting shit, or just standing around looking naked, then this movie's for you.
And if you don't like this stuff, then let me ask you: what's wrong with you?!
And since at this point I'm expected to make some really sexist remark... Ms Alba's buttocks and thighs
and Ms Rodriguez's stomach... Ay, coño: muy caliente!
Apart from all the nonsense, I have to say that the weirdest, most absurd thing ever is Lohan in a nun uniform. Hahaha.
My only regret is that Tarantino doesn't have a cameo where his character gets his head chopped off. Oh, well. I guess I'll have to keep that image for my dreams.
And remember this, puñeta: Machete don't text.
The story is preposterous at best. It's over the top and pointless.
And that's why it's so much fucking fun to watch, because it's bad on purpose.
It doesn't really matter that Rodriguez keeps making the same film over and over again, because it's always entertaining as hell. There's some crazy shit going on in there, I won't even talk about it to not give anything away, but trust me: it's crazy shit.
And it is a lot of fun to see De Niro, Seagal and Don Johnson playing total assholes. And you can tell they're having fun, too. If Max Cady became a senator, and the Bush staff wrote his speeches, this is what McLaughlin would be.
And Machete, well... Trejo used to be a real-life badass. I'm sure he's a very nice man nowadays, but fuck,
who'd want to ever fuck with his shit? One look from him is enough to make you weep uncontrollably.
So, if you like blood and dismemberment and hot girls shooting shit, or just standing around looking naked, then this movie's for you.
And if you don't like this stuff, then let me ask you: what's wrong with you?!
And since at this point I'm expected to make some really sexist remark... Ms Alba's buttocks and thighs
and Ms Rodriguez's stomach... Ay, coño: muy caliente!
Apart from all the nonsense, I have to say that the weirdest, most absurd thing ever is Lohan in a nun uniform. Hahaha.
My only regret is that Tarantino doesn't have a cameo where his character gets his head chopped off. Oh, well. I guess I'll have to keep that image for my dreams.
And remember this, puñeta: Machete don't text.
La Rafle
Lien IMDb
Ah, humains: je vous aime. Non pas pour votre amour ni vos rires, mais pour votre connerie sans fin.
Et ce film, comme le nom l'indique, parle de la connerie des hommes. La rafle du vel' d'hiv', un triste chapitre de l'histoire française.
Et depuis tout petit, je n'arrête pas de me dire: comment se fait-il que Pétain n'a pas été fusillé? Sérieusement. Vieux con sénile. Laval y est passé. C'est pas assez. "Maréchal, nous voilà à ta porte, la baillonette au fusil, on entendra ton dernier cri. Siegmaringen aurait dû être ton tombeau, vieux corbeau." Avec Laval, et oui: avec ce cher Dr Destouches. J'aime son oeuvre, et j'en ai honte. Si, si.
Donc: Vieux con. Oui, je me répète, mais il fallait le redire. Voila qui est fait.
Donc, oui, c'est une histoire triste.
Mais...
Mais bon. Je ne veux pas citer Godard mais... Non, en fait je veux le citer, ou le paraphraser en fait: Après 'Nuit et Brouillard,' tout a été dit. Et il a dit ça quand il parlait de 'Schindler's List.'
Bien sûr l'histoire, et même l'Histoire, est horrible et elle fait frémir et c'est facile de secouer la tête quand on est bien chez soi avec sa bobone, sa gnole et ses gauloises. Oui, on secoue la tête, on se dit: "quelle horreur!" Et puis on se demande ce qu'on va prendre comme digestif, parce que c'est pas pour dire, mais les fridolins dans le film y'z ont l'air de boire du bon cognac.
Mais bon...c'est aussi facile d'émouvoir les gens avec ce chapitre de l'histoire. Surtout que... ouı, c'est une histoire véridique, comme les autres histoires qui traitent de ce sujet, mais il y a des répétitions quand même...
La jeune 'histerique' qui dit 'on va tous y passer' et les autres qui se moquent d'elle en disant que bien sûr que non, tout va bien.
Les jeunes rebèles qui font les 400 coups.
Le petit bout de chou qui comprend rien (et qui nous dit: "Je comprends rien du tout" au cas ou nous on aurait pas compris qu'il comprend rien).
La mère de famille qui est super-canon. Mais bon, c'est parce qu'elle est polonaise...
Et puis les types qui parlent comme s'ils venaient de la cité. Ils ont la haine, oui, mais on s'attend presque à les entendre dire:
"Oh, bouffon de zina! On va te tepé la gueule!"
Le traveling arrière jusqu'en panoramique pour montrer l'empleur de l'horreur.
Les français sympas qui aident.
Les français moins sympa, qui sont gras et antisémites.
L'horreur des wagons à bestiaux.
Et le violon. Le violon qui pleure pour que le pubic pleure. Comme si on avait besoin de violon.
Et... Ah... là c'est un peu different... Et la police française qui fait du zèle, la police française qui travaille pour les allemands. Les gentils gendarmes, image qui fit scandale à la sortie de 'Nuit et Brouillard,' d'ailleurs, parce que: "Non, monsieur: les français y sont gentils. Les allemands y sont pas gentils, c'est eux qui ont tout fait. Nous autres on était tous au maquis."
Tout à fait, oui...
La milice, doux comme des agneaux. Des agneaux arborant des matraques et des bérets à la con.
J'avoue que les images de Adolf batifolant aux cotés du Dr Morell sont assez troublantes car on dirait vraiment les films de cette chere Eva. En parlant de 'Nuit et Brouillard,' nous avons Adolf qui parle de Nacht und Nebel, donc bon.
Mais bon... Himmler qui fume devant Hitler? Il n'aurait jamais osé. Mais c'est vrai que Eva aimait faire des cocktails.
Je sais que les parallèles entre le sort des juifs comparé à Hitler dans sa tour d'ivoire sont sensés... Quoi? Choquer? On le sait que Hitler était peinard, on le sait que ses proches buvaient et mangeaient bien. Donc bon... est-ce necessaire de nous montrer les nazis tout content? Ca aurait été plus impressionant de voir Pétain et Laval se bourrer la panse, plutôt que les teutons. On les voit vivre aisément, un peu. Pas assez.
Ceci dit, et là désolé d'en parler... mais dans les camps, la solidarité n'était pas vraiment de mise.
Survivre, par n'importe quel moyen. Donc si une mère voyait qu'une autre mère avait des caramels,
et bien ça aurait été sanglant... car oui, les prisoniers mourraient aussi par les mains d'autres prisoniers.
Et c'est bien, les religieux qui aident. Le prêtre sympa, les bonnes soeurs sympas. Super sympa.
N'est-ce pas Pie XII?
Donc, que penser? L'histoire est triste, oui. Elle est émouvante, oui. Mais, puis-je le dire?... Elle est aussi typique, dans le sens qu'on a vu cette histoire avant, que ce soit en Pologne ou ailleurs.
Mais en fait, en France, comme ça, jamais. Et donc voila: il faut voir ce film si on est français et qu'on pense que son pays n'a rien à se reprocher. Rien du tout. Suffit de le demander aux roms de nos jours.
Le plus triste, le plus fou, c'est que ce que j'ai beaucoup lu sur les saloperies nazies, et bien j'ai encore jamais vu ça au cinéma, et c'est tant mieux. Il y a des horreurs qu'il vaut mieux réserver aux livres. Mais qui a le temps de lire? Donc si quelqu'un veut que j'écrive un 'petit scnénar' sympa' sur, par example Baby Yar,
ou tout simplement sur les Einzatsgruppen, vous savez ou me joindre.
Ceci dit, suis-je le seul à avoir pensé, en voyant le nom de la réalisatrice: 'Ah, ça, c'est dommage pour elle comme nom.' A savoir qu'elle se nomme Bosch.
La vie est marrante quand même.
Donc il y a des relents de 'La Liste de Schindler' et de 'Le Pianiste.'
Mais est-ce important, tant que les gens se rappellent de la connerie de l'humanité, qu'on se dise que ca ne
se reproduira pas, ce genre de saloperie.
N'est-ce pas, Rwanda?
N'est-ce pas, Darfour?
N'est-ce pas, Israel?
Ah, humains: je vous aime. Non pas pour votre amour ni vos rires, mais pour votre connerie sans fin.
Et ce film, comme le nom l'indique, parle de la connerie des hommes. La rafle du vel' d'hiv', un triste chapitre de l'histoire française.
Et depuis tout petit, je n'arrête pas de me dire: comment se fait-il que Pétain n'a pas été fusillé? Sérieusement. Vieux con sénile. Laval y est passé. C'est pas assez. "Maréchal, nous voilà à ta porte, la baillonette au fusil, on entendra ton dernier cri. Siegmaringen aurait dû être ton tombeau, vieux corbeau." Avec Laval, et oui: avec ce cher Dr Destouches. J'aime son oeuvre, et j'en ai honte. Si, si.
Donc: Vieux con. Oui, je me répète, mais il fallait le redire. Voila qui est fait.
Donc, oui, c'est une histoire triste.
Mais...
Mais bon. Je ne veux pas citer Godard mais... Non, en fait je veux le citer, ou le paraphraser en fait: Après 'Nuit et Brouillard,' tout a été dit. Et il a dit ça quand il parlait de 'Schindler's List.'
Bien sûr l'histoire, et même l'Histoire, est horrible et elle fait frémir et c'est facile de secouer la tête quand on est bien chez soi avec sa bobone, sa gnole et ses gauloises. Oui, on secoue la tête, on se dit: "quelle horreur!" Et puis on se demande ce qu'on va prendre comme digestif, parce que c'est pas pour dire, mais les fridolins dans le film y'z ont l'air de boire du bon cognac.
Mais bon...c'est aussi facile d'émouvoir les gens avec ce chapitre de l'histoire. Surtout que... ouı, c'est une histoire véridique, comme les autres histoires qui traitent de ce sujet, mais il y a des répétitions quand même...
La jeune 'histerique' qui dit 'on va tous y passer' et les autres qui se moquent d'elle en disant que bien sûr que non, tout va bien.
Les jeunes rebèles qui font les 400 coups.
Le petit bout de chou qui comprend rien (et qui nous dit: "Je comprends rien du tout" au cas ou nous on aurait pas compris qu'il comprend rien).
La mère de famille qui est super-canon. Mais bon, c'est parce qu'elle est polonaise...
Et puis les types qui parlent comme s'ils venaient de la cité. Ils ont la haine, oui, mais on s'attend presque à les entendre dire:
"Oh, bouffon de zina! On va te tepé la gueule!"
Le traveling arrière jusqu'en panoramique pour montrer l'empleur de l'horreur.
Les français sympas qui aident.
Les français moins sympa, qui sont gras et antisémites.
L'horreur des wagons à bestiaux.
Et le violon. Le violon qui pleure pour que le pubic pleure. Comme si on avait besoin de violon.
Et... Ah... là c'est un peu different... Et la police française qui fait du zèle, la police française qui travaille pour les allemands. Les gentils gendarmes, image qui fit scandale à la sortie de 'Nuit et Brouillard,' d'ailleurs, parce que: "Non, monsieur: les français y sont gentils. Les allemands y sont pas gentils, c'est eux qui ont tout fait. Nous autres on était tous au maquis."
Tout à fait, oui...
La milice, doux comme des agneaux. Des agneaux arborant des matraques et des bérets à la con.
J'avoue que les images de Adolf batifolant aux cotés du Dr Morell sont assez troublantes car on dirait vraiment les films de cette chere Eva. En parlant de 'Nuit et Brouillard,' nous avons Adolf qui parle de Nacht und Nebel, donc bon.
Mais bon... Himmler qui fume devant Hitler? Il n'aurait jamais osé. Mais c'est vrai que Eva aimait faire des cocktails.
Je sais que les parallèles entre le sort des juifs comparé à Hitler dans sa tour d'ivoire sont sensés... Quoi? Choquer? On le sait que Hitler était peinard, on le sait que ses proches buvaient et mangeaient bien. Donc bon... est-ce necessaire de nous montrer les nazis tout content? Ca aurait été plus impressionant de voir Pétain et Laval se bourrer la panse, plutôt que les teutons. On les voit vivre aisément, un peu. Pas assez.
Ceci dit, et là désolé d'en parler... mais dans les camps, la solidarité n'était pas vraiment de mise.
Survivre, par n'importe quel moyen. Donc si une mère voyait qu'une autre mère avait des caramels,
et bien ça aurait été sanglant... car oui, les prisoniers mourraient aussi par les mains d'autres prisoniers.
Et c'est bien, les religieux qui aident. Le prêtre sympa, les bonnes soeurs sympas. Super sympa.
N'est-ce pas Pie XII?
Donc, que penser? L'histoire est triste, oui. Elle est émouvante, oui. Mais, puis-je le dire?... Elle est aussi typique, dans le sens qu'on a vu cette histoire avant, que ce soit en Pologne ou ailleurs.
Mais en fait, en France, comme ça, jamais. Et donc voila: il faut voir ce film si on est français et qu'on pense que son pays n'a rien à se reprocher. Rien du tout. Suffit de le demander aux roms de nos jours.
Le plus triste, le plus fou, c'est que ce que j'ai beaucoup lu sur les saloperies nazies, et bien j'ai encore jamais vu ça au cinéma, et c'est tant mieux. Il y a des horreurs qu'il vaut mieux réserver aux livres. Mais qui a le temps de lire? Donc si quelqu'un veut que j'écrive un 'petit scnénar' sympa' sur, par example Baby Yar,
ou tout simplement sur les Einzatsgruppen, vous savez ou me joindre.
Ceci dit, suis-je le seul à avoir pensé, en voyant le nom de la réalisatrice: 'Ah, ça, c'est dommage pour elle comme nom.' A savoir qu'elle se nomme Bosch.
La vie est marrante quand même.
Donc il y a des relents de 'La Liste de Schindler' et de 'Le Pianiste.'
Mais est-ce important, tant que les gens se rappellent de la connerie de l'humanité, qu'on se dise que ca ne
se reproduira pas, ce genre de saloperie.
N'est-ce pas, Rwanda?
N'est-ce pas, Darfour?
N'est-ce pas, Israel?
Mammuth
Lien IMDb
Voici l'histoire qui pourrait arriver à Obelix si Asterix le quittait. Si, si, c'est Gérard avec les mêmes cheveux!
C'est un road movie typique, avec tous les thèmes du road movie typique: la solitude de la route, les souvenirs, le bien metaphysique du bitume, les rencontres parfois loufoques, parfois touchantes, et parfois très très surprenantes, et pas en bien (la scene avec son cousin, WTF?!)
Typique, ce qui ne veut pas dire nul ou ennuyant. Depardieu arrive encore à être touchant et arrive à sembler vulnérable. De plus, la mise en scène est loin d'être mauvaise, mais bon... Certaines choses sont un peu trop évidentes...
Le grain de la super 8 pour les souvenirs, la solitude montrée avec Gérard qui marche tout seul sur la route (on sait pas pourquoi il marche d'ailleurs), les longues scènes avec Gérard vu de dos. Le fantôme Adjani, qui fait un peu cliché et pas vraiment nécessaire. Elle joue comme si elle était dans un film de Bunuel, et son visage en sang fait un peu con-con sur les bords. En plus, on dirait Belluci.
Et puis il y a sa nièce qui dit: "Va à la recherche de ta vie antérieure." Vraiment? Parce qu'on avait pas compris que c'est ce qui arrivait? Et: "Un géant à l'extérieur et tout doux à l'intérieur." Je sais qu'elle n'est pas normale, mais c'est pas une raison pour déballer des évidences.
J'avoue avoir beaucoup aimé l'une des premières scènes, le verre d'adieu, avec un patron con qui doit lire son speech et des employés qui s'en foutent et mangent leurs chips. Et ça fait des grands 'scrunch scrunch.' Et ça fait des grands 'scrunch, scrunch.'
Les scènes qui marchent le mieux sont celles qui montrent l'incomensurable amabilité des français:
Le charcutier -et co-réalisateur- ("T'as une femme, avec la gueule que t'as?"), le videur ("J'ai torché le cul de ta femme."), le vigneron ("T'es complètement con.").
On se demande toujours quand Gérard va finir par pêter un cable et s'ennerver, on l'attends. Longtemps. Et quand on pense que ça va arriver, et ben ça arrive pas.
Mais c'est mieux comme ça.
Les personnes qu'il rencontre sur sa route sont jouées par des acteurs (ou personnes) connu(e)s et ça fait toujours plaisir de voir Poelvoorde (qui arrive à faire sourire, comme d'habitude), Mouglalis (qui est toujours bien belle), Nahon (qui pour une fois ne fait pas trop peur), Adjani, etc...
Donc un road movie, à la française, où tout le monde est déprimé. "La vie est merdique, mais quand même, 'faut faire avec."
En fin de compte, si vous voulez voir Gérard tout déprimé sur sa moto, rencontrant des gens hétéroclites, ce film est pour vous. Soit, la fin est un peu trop typique, mais bon on ne s'attend pas à le voir crever sur sa moto. Mais qu'il commence à s'habiller en hippie, c'est bizarre quand même.
Le plus surprenenant, c'est que les réalisateurs et scénaristes sont des grolandais! C'est étonnant! Et il y a deux dessinateurs connus, aussi. Saurez-vous les identifier?
J'ai l'air de critiquer comme ça, mais comme il est dit au début: je ne me suis pas ennuyé. J'ai même bien aimé. Sauf la fin.
Voici l'histoire qui pourrait arriver à Obelix si Asterix le quittait. Si, si, c'est Gérard avec les mêmes cheveux!
C'est un road movie typique, avec tous les thèmes du road movie typique: la solitude de la route, les souvenirs, le bien metaphysique du bitume, les rencontres parfois loufoques, parfois touchantes, et parfois très très surprenantes, et pas en bien (la scene avec son cousin, WTF?!)
Typique, ce qui ne veut pas dire nul ou ennuyant. Depardieu arrive encore à être touchant et arrive à sembler vulnérable. De plus, la mise en scène est loin d'être mauvaise, mais bon... Certaines choses sont un peu trop évidentes...
Le grain de la super 8 pour les souvenirs, la solitude montrée avec Gérard qui marche tout seul sur la route (on sait pas pourquoi il marche d'ailleurs), les longues scènes avec Gérard vu de dos. Le fantôme Adjani, qui fait un peu cliché et pas vraiment nécessaire. Elle joue comme si elle était dans un film de Bunuel, et son visage en sang fait un peu con-con sur les bords. En plus, on dirait Belluci.
Et puis il y a sa nièce qui dit: "Va à la recherche de ta vie antérieure." Vraiment? Parce qu'on avait pas compris que c'est ce qui arrivait? Et: "Un géant à l'extérieur et tout doux à l'intérieur." Je sais qu'elle n'est pas normale, mais c'est pas une raison pour déballer des évidences.
J'avoue avoir beaucoup aimé l'une des premières scènes, le verre d'adieu, avec un patron con qui doit lire son speech et des employés qui s'en foutent et mangent leurs chips. Et ça fait des grands 'scrunch scrunch.' Et ça fait des grands 'scrunch, scrunch.'
Les scènes qui marchent le mieux sont celles qui montrent l'incomensurable amabilité des français:
Le charcutier -et co-réalisateur- ("T'as une femme, avec la gueule que t'as?"), le videur ("J'ai torché le cul de ta femme."), le vigneron ("T'es complètement con.").
On se demande toujours quand Gérard va finir par pêter un cable et s'ennerver, on l'attends. Longtemps. Et quand on pense que ça va arriver, et ben ça arrive pas.
Mais c'est mieux comme ça.
Les personnes qu'il rencontre sur sa route sont jouées par des acteurs (ou personnes) connu(e)s et ça fait toujours plaisir de voir Poelvoorde (qui arrive à faire sourire, comme d'habitude), Mouglalis (qui est toujours bien belle), Nahon (qui pour une fois ne fait pas trop peur), Adjani, etc...
Donc un road movie, à la française, où tout le monde est déprimé. "La vie est merdique, mais quand même, 'faut faire avec."
En fin de compte, si vous voulez voir Gérard tout déprimé sur sa moto, rencontrant des gens hétéroclites, ce film est pour vous. Soit, la fin est un peu trop typique, mais bon on ne s'attend pas à le voir crever sur sa moto. Mais qu'il commence à s'habiller en hippie, c'est bizarre quand même.
Le plus surprenenant, c'est que les réalisateurs et scénaristes sont des grolandais! C'est étonnant! Et il y a deux dessinateurs connus, aussi. Saurez-vous les identifier?
J'ai l'air de critiquer comme ça, mais comme il est dit au début: je ne me suis pas ennuyé. J'ai même bien aimé. Sauf la fin.
Prince of Persia
Warning: There are spoilers in this review. If you haven't seen the film, read the review and spare yourself the trouble.
Far are the days of 'Donnie Brasco.' Or Darko, for that matter. Anyway, you know a film is not that good when Alanis Morissette's theme song is the best thing about it.
Two questions, right off the bat: why is Ben Kinglsey, sorry, I meant: SIR Ben Kingsley, in this craporama? And why is Gyllenhaal speaking with a (very bad) British accent? I think it's just so that Molina can for once use his real accent. Fair is fair.
Not much to say, except that it's bad. It's more 'Assassin's Creed' anyway. Seriously, all his moves, the scenery, the outfits, and even the camera shots...
This being said, come on:
The prince and the princess, together through circumstances, on a quest. They bicker and bicker, to the greatest amusements of 12 year-olds everywhere, I assume. I wonder if they'll end up falling in love and kissing? Take a guess. Had I been the prince, the princess would have died. I'd have stabbed her with my sword (no, a real sword, made of steal) and gone on my way, because fuck that bitch.
I don't know much about the days this is supposed to be set in, but I'm guessing that a woman looking like that and dressed like that, would have been raped about twenty times before she made it to her horse. I'm guessing. And, I'll say this, which coming from me is saying a lot: She's not that hot anyway. But she'd still have gotten raped a few times before lunch time.
And, wait, hold on: she says: "Let me go." So she sacrifices herself, and that's cool. But how fucked up is it to scream Dastan's name as she falls into the abyss? That's just not cool. Dastan's gonna have some fucked up dreams from now on. I mean, she's like: "I wish you coulda fucked me. But now I'm dying because of you." Not cool. Anyway, you really think she stays dead? You really think the ending ain't happy as fuck? Really? Are you brain dead?
Seriously, their bickering reminded my of 'Spaceballs,' the adventurer and the princess, bickering. If only there had been John Candy in there. Or some humor.
To their credit, according to IMDb, they did try to get a an actual Persian actress. For the role of the non-Persian.
Yeah.
Oh, and if Sir Kinglsey's in this, do we actually excpect him to be a good guy? Really? Are you still brain dead?
Here's why teenagers liked this film: The boys like fighting sequences. The girls just liked seeing Jake half-naked and looking battle-weary all the time. I'm sure if I had been 12, I'd have liked this film. Had I been a gay 12-year-old, I'd have had the perfect excuse to put up posters of a half-naked Gyllenhaal in my room.
But I'm not 12. I'm not gay either, but it doesn't matter, the fact is: I'm not 12. So I thought this film was shit. And ludicrous... the whole walking through the Assassins' lair looked like a scene where Bond walks
through Q's lab. Or something from 'The Kentucky Fried Movie.' And of course, the Assassins are sufis, sure.
Because a spinning dude is sooooo authentic.
And God forbid we'd actually see those guys smoking hashish. No, no, no, no! Not in a Disney film (speaking of which, through all the killings and shit, you see exactly ONE drop of blood in the whole film)!
Sure, the main scary dude looks a bit... stoned. And like something out of 'Return of the Jedi.'
And then it almost turns into '300,' with the armored (sorry, let's keep in the spirit of the film and say: 'armoured') horses. And... combat-trained snakes? Motherfuckin' snakes on a motherfuckin' plane! (Oh, sorry: wrong movie).
Since I mentionedd '300,' I'll say it's nice to see Persians as heroes instead of hermaphrodite giants, so that's cool.
And what about the supposedly light-hearted moments? Well, they're tedious at best: the bickering, the ostriches, Molina. And that's it, really. I kinda liked the whole fake WMD-thingy, though. I'm sure the audiences totally got that, by the way.
This is so bad, it almost fell like a Ridley Scott film... You even almost had pseudo-Lisa-Gerrad vocals, too!
Speaking of which: For fuck's sake! Does every film set in the desert have to have violin music blatently copied from 'Lawrence of Arabia'?
So, yeah: this film is shit. Then again, that's not fair... I've taken shits that made me feel very good. So this film is more like month-long constipation. Cramps included.
And, wait... The dagger gets you back in time, okay. But you have to keep refilling it. But if you go back in time, then it's like the dagger had not been used. And so you wouldn't have to refill it. Am I wrong?
In the end, I get it, I get it: it's a fairy-tale thingy based on a game, for teenagers. As such, it works. But if you're older than 12, whether you play computer games or not, just give this a skip. Unless you're a masochist. I guess I was, since i watched it all.
Now I need to watch a Melville film to exorcise the demons of the sands of time.
PS: Dastan? Sure, but then the princess should be called Jendeh. Or he could be Dastan Hoffman. Ha. Haha.
PPS: Do a shot every time the word 'scared' is mentioned.
PPPS: Okay, she is actually not too bad looking.
PPPPS: Ah, fuck it. Let's go get some Baghali Polo.
Far are the days of 'Donnie Brasco.' Or Darko, for that matter. Anyway, you know a film is not that good when Alanis Morissette's theme song is the best thing about it.
Two questions, right off the bat: why is Ben Kinglsey, sorry, I meant: SIR Ben Kingsley, in this craporama? And why is Gyllenhaal speaking with a (very bad) British accent? I think it's just so that Molina can for once use his real accent. Fair is fair.
Not much to say, except that it's bad. It's more 'Assassin's Creed' anyway. Seriously, all his moves, the scenery, the outfits, and even the camera shots...
This being said, come on:
The prince and the princess, together through circumstances, on a quest. They bicker and bicker, to the greatest amusements of 12 year-olds everywhere, I assume. I wonder if they'll end up falling in love and kissing? Take a guess. Had I been the prince, the princess would have died. I'd have stabbed her with my sword (no, a real sword, made of steal) and gone on my way, because fuck that bitch.
I don't know much about the days this is supposed to be set in, but I'm guessing that a woman looking like that and dressed like that, would have been raped about twenty times before she made it to her horse. I'm guessing. And, I'll say this, which coming from me is saying a lot: She's not that hot anyway. But she'd still have gotten raped a few times before lunch time.
And, wait, hold on: she says: "Let me go." So she sacrifices herself, and that's cool. But how fucked up is it to scream Dastan's name as she falls into the abyss? That's just not cool. Dastan's gonna have some fucked up dreams from now on. I mean, she's like: "I wish you coulda fucked me. But now I'm dying because of you." Not cool. Anyway, you really think she stays dead? You really think the ending ain't happy as fuck? Really? Are you brain dead?
Seriously, their bickering reminded my of 'Spaceballs,' the adventurer and the princess, bickering. If only there had been John Candy in there. Or some humor.
To their credit, according to IMDb, they did try to get a an actual Persian actress. For the role of the non-Persian.
Yeah.
Oh, and if Sir Kinglsey's in this, do we actually excpect him to be a good guy? Really? Are you still brain dead?
Here's why teenagers liked this film: The boys like fighting sequences. The girls just liked seeing Jake half-naked and looking battle-weary all the time. I'm sure if I had been 12, I'd have liked this film. Had I been a gay 12-year-old, I'd have had the perfect excuse to put up posters of a half-naked Gyllenhaal in my room.
But I'm not 12. I'm not gay either, but it doesn't matter, the fact is: I'm not 12. So I thought this film was shit. And ludicrous... the whole walking through the Assassins' lair looked like a scene where Bond walks
through Q's lab. Or something from 'The Kentucky Fried Movie.' And of course, the Assassins are sufis, sure.
Because a spinning dude is sooooo authentic.
And God forbid we'd actually see those guys smoking hashish. No, no, no, no! Not in a Disney film (speaking of which, through all the killings and shit, you see exactly ONE drop of blood in the whole film)!
Sure, the main scary dude looks a bit... stoned. And like something out of 'Return of the Jedi.'
And then it almost turns into '300,' with the armored (sorry, let's keep in the spirit of the film and say: 'armoured') horses. And... combat-trained snakes? Motherfuckin' snakes on a motherfuckin' plane! (Oh, sorry: wrong movie).
Since I mentionedd '300,' I'll say it's nice to see Persians as heroes instead of hermaphrodite giants, so that's cool.
And what about the supposedly light-hearted moments? Well, they're tedious at best: the bickering, the ostriches, Molina. And that's it, really. I kinda liked the whole fake WMD-thingy, though. I'm sure the audiences totally got that, by the way.
This is so bad, it almost fell like a Ridley Scott film... You even almost had pseudo-Lisa-Gerrad vocals, too!
Speaking of which: For fuck's sake! Does every film set in the desert have to have violin music blatently copied from 'Lawrence of Arabia'?
So, yeah: this film is shit. Then again, that's not fair... I've taken shits that made me feel very good. So this film is more like month-long constipation. Cramps included.
And, wait... The dagger gets you back in time, okay. But you have to keep refilling it. But if you go back in time, then it's like the dagger had not been used. And so you wouldn't have to refill it. Am I wrong?
In the end, I get it, I get it: it's a fairy-tale thingy based on a game, for teenagers. As such, it works. But if you're older than 12, whether you play computer games or not, just give this a skip. Unless you're a masochist. I guess I was, since i watched it all.
Now I need to watch a Melville film to exorcise the demons of the sands of time.
PS: Dastan? Sure, but then the princess should be called Jendeh. Or he could be Dastan Hoffman. Ha. Haha.
PPS: Do a shot every time the word 'scared' is mentioned.
PPPS: Okay, she is actually not too bad looking.
PPPPS: Ah, fuck it. Let's go get some Baghali Polo.
Life During Wartime
IMDb Link
Here's what you need to make an indie film...
- Actors people recognize, but wonder where they've seen them before ('Oh, isn't that the girl from The West Wing?' 'Oh, that's Omar, isn't it?' 'He looks like Pee-Wee!' 'Oh, fuck, is that CHARLOTTE RAMPLING?!?!?!' 'I remember him from Barton Fink!' 'Wasn't she one of the Breakfast Club ones?'), but don't know their names (well, except for Charlotte -who still has really nice breasts).
- A lot of static shots.
- A shot of a man walking alone, in profile.
- A shot of a man sitting on a motel bed, alone.
- Show a book that you like, that'll make people go "shiii, I love that book." ('Naked Lunch' in this case. And I don't like it anyway).
- Profane language where unexpected. Throw in a 'cunt' here, a 'fuck you' there, a 'faggot' here.
- Some semite element (if you want your film produced. - Oh, no he didn't!)
- Sad people.
- Quirky humor (that will only make YOU laugh).
- Static and self-conscious acting.
- Many characters who all connect eventually.
- Unnecessary sex scenes.
- Characters who talk on and on and on over a table.
- Endless conversations 'with a message.'
- End abruptly.
So it's just like a Hollywood film, without the production value.
At the end of the day, be as boring as possible and make it so that people will pretend to like your film in order to look sophisticated. They will laugh loud at jokes that aren't funny, to show the rest of the cinema that THEY get it.
Hey! It just occurred to me: Indie films are just like French films!
Nowadays, people think they can be like Welles, or eventually Soderbergh. Or maybe DiCillo. But they're not. Their screenplays are stale, the acting is sub-par (even when you have good actors. Which shows how important a good director is).
Solondz is overrated is what I'm saying. He wastes the talent of his actors. And he wastes the time of audiences.
Here's what you need to make an indie film...
- Actors people recognize, but wonder where they've seen them before ('Oh, isn't that the girl from The West Wing?' 'Oh, that's Omar, isn't it?' 'He looks like Pee-Wee!' 'Oh, fuck, is that CHARLOTTE RAMPLING?!?!?!' 'I remember him from Barton Fink!' 'Wasn't she one of the Breakfast Club ones?'), but don't know their names (well, except for Charlotte -who still has really nice breasts).
- A lot of static shots.
- A shot of a man walking alone, in profile.
- A shot of a man sitting on a motel bed, alone.
- Show a book that you like, that'll make people go "shiii, I love that book." ('Naked Lunch' in this case. And I don't like it anyway).
- Profane language where unexpected. Throw in a 'cunt' here, a 'fuck you' there, a 'faggot' here.
- Some semite element (if you want your film produced. - Oh, no he didn't!)
- Sad people.
- Quirky humor (that will only make YOU laugh).
- Static and self-conscious acting.
- Many characters who all connect eventually.
- Unnecessary sex scenes.
- Characters who talk on and on and on over a table.
- Endless conversations 'with a message.'
- End abruptly.
So it's just like a Hollywood film, without the production value.
At the end of the day, be as boring as possible and make it so that people will pretend to like your film in order to look sophisticated. They will laugh loud at jokes that aren't funny, to show the rest of the cinema that THEY get it.
Hey! It just occurred to me: Indie films are just like French films!
Nowadays, people think they can be like Welles, or eventually Soderbergh. Or maybe DiCillo. But they're not. Their screenplays are stale, the acting is sub-par (even when you have good actors. Which shows how important a good director is).
Solondz is overrated is what I'm saying. He wastes the talent of his actors. And he wastes the time of audiences.
The Social Network
You can imagine fat white guys in a room, talking about making a film people want to see...
'Well, vampires sell.'
'Yeah, but the whole Twilight thing got the market cornered...'
'A good action film is always good.'
'Bruce Willis doesn't do action anymore...'
Long pause.
'Well, my children are always talking about the facebook.'
'The what?'
'It's a... I don't know what it is... Do we have a computer here? Yeah? Let's check it out.'
'Holy fuck! The whole world's on there!'
'We're on to something...'
How to make more money than the guy who made shit-load of money? Make a film about him.
Cue dollar signs in the eyes of the afore-mentioned guys.
It starts off with our protagonist being an elitist prick who has no social skills. And it pretty much ends that way, too. Yeah, he's a major nerd who talks like Abed in 'Community.' But that makes it interesting, it shows us Zuckerberg (sugar mountain, really?) as an aloof guy who feels superior to everybody and not as a victim getting sued. He's an asshole, but a smart asshole who knew what a good idea was.
In the end, well... You got a Fincher film, written by Sorkin, music by Reznor (which is really good, of course), executive produced by Spacey (whatever that means)... It can't be bad. And it's not. It's about a guy who got drunk after being dumped.
Yep... We can all get on facebook because a nerd got dumped. Respect. Facebook could have been called FuckThemBitches. It should have been. Napster also got started because of a girl. So I could have been a millionaire if I had been even geekier. We all know that great things are created so that the creators get laid.
Pasteur had some crazy poon after inventing his vaccine. Einstein was a mad pussy-hound...
Wait, I sound bitter. Let me have a shot of tequila.
...
So, at the end of the day, all you need to tap some hot Asian ass is a website everyone in the world knows. If only I had known.
Oh, and I wonder how sorry Erica was for calling the guy an asshole. I don't know, but I'm guessing a billion dollars in the bank makes you less of an asshole, no?
Shit, let me have another shot.
...
Actor-wise, well, it's always nice too see Mr Getz. And to add a sexist comment, as is my custom, it's always great to see Ms. Jones. They mention Bill Gates and you 'see' him at some point, but how come there's no film about the original program thief? Well, he probably sues everyone who tries to make one.
Wait... a girl who majors in French (at Stanford) can't actually speak French? They couldn't find a hottie who speaks French? Or a teacher to teach her one sentence? At least she didn't say 'Ooh la la, voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?'
So it's a rags (well, kinda, he was at Harvard after all) to riches story. If you can merely call 'riches' being a billionaire. A pretty straight-forward story for a Fincher film, but well told and very well written. And the last scene says everything you need to know about being a man.
So can irony be defined as becoming a fan of this film on facebook? Oh, no, wait. It's writing a review of this film on facebook. Or watching this film and checking my facebook page for messages every 20 minutes.
Coming soon to a theatre near you: 'YouTube. The real story!'
Coming soon to HBO: 'Amazon. A real story.'
Coming soon to Fox: 'Ebay. From internet to governor!'
'Well, vampires sell.'
'Yeah, but the whole Twilight thing got the market cornered...'
'A good action film is always good.'
'Bruce Willis doesn't do action anymore...'
Long pause.
'Well, my children are always talking about the facebook.'
'The what?'
'It's a... I don't know what it is... Do we have a computer here? Yeah? Let's check it out.'
'Holy fuck! The whole world's on there!'
'We're on to something...'
How to make more money than the guy who made shit-load of money? Make a film about him.
Cue dollar signs in the eyes of the afore-mentioned guys.
It starts off with our protagonist being an elitist prick who has no social skills. And it pretty much ends that way, too. Yeah, he's a major nerd who talks like Abed in 'Community.' But that makes it interesting, it shows us Zuckerberg (sugar mountain, really?) as an aloof guy who feels superior to everybody and not as a victim getting sued. He's an asshole, but a smart asshole who knew what a good idea was.
In the end, well... You got a Fincher film, written by Sorkin, music by Reznor (which is really good, of course), executive produced by Spacey (whatever that means)... It can't be bad. And it's not. It's about a guy who got drunk after being dumped.
Yep... We can all get on facebook because a nerd got dumped. Respect. Facebook could have been called FuckThemBitches. It should have been. Napster also got started because of a girl. So I could have been a millionaire if I had been even geekier. We all know that great things are created so that the creators get laid.
Pasteur had some crazy poon after inventing his vaccine. Einstein was a mad pussy-hound...
Wait, I sound bitter. Let me have a shot of tequila.
...
So, at the end of the day, all you need to tap some hot Asian ass is a website everyone in the world knows. If only I had known.
Oh, and I wonder how sorry Erica was for calling the guy an asshole. I don't know, but I'm guessing a billion dollars in the bank makes you less of an asshole, no?
Shit, let me have another shot.
...
Actor-wise, well, it's always nice too see Mr Getz. And to add a sexist comment, as is my custom, it's always great to see Ms. Jones. They mention Bill Gates and you 'see' him at some point, but how come there's no film about the original program thief? Well, he probably sues everyone who tries to make one.
Wait... a girl who majors in French (at Stanford) can't actually speak French? They couldn't find a hottie who speaks French? Or a teacher to teach her one sentence? At least she didn't say 'Ooh la la, voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?'
So it's a rags (well, kinda, he was at Harvard after all) to riches story. If you can merely call 'riches' being a billionaire. A pretty straight-forward story for a Fincher film, but well told and very well written. And the last scene says everything you need to know about being a man.
So can irony be defined as becoming a fan of this film on facebook? Oh, no, wait. It's writing a review of this film on facebook. Or watching this film and checking my facebook page for messages every 20 minutes.
Coming soon to a theatre near you: 'YouTube. The real story!'
Coming soon to HBO: 'Amazon. A real story.'
Coming soon to Fox: 'Ebay. From internet to governor!'
A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)
IMDb Link
Why the fuck make a remake of this film? So they can remake the whole series? God help us. I was young, sure, but I don't remember the original being that campy. And I definitely remember being scared shitless by the girl in the body bag. And the elongated arms scene.
But this film, well, the only thing that's scary is that I lost 90 minutes of my life.
Yeah... because people fall asleep at funerals all the time. I mean this is a film about dangerous dreams, so you gotta have people sleep. But not at night, no. At funerals, in class, in diners. While swimming. Sure...
The dialogue's also, well... judge for yourself:
'He kept saying "you're not real." Do you have any ideas what that means?'
Well, shit, that's a tough one! I'm not sure, but it might mean: 'you're not real.'
And what's with the quasi-ominous music all the time? Oh, she's looking for her pics, cue the music.
She's making a sandwich, cue the music.
There's wind! Cue the music.
She's walking home. Cue the music.
She's petting her dog. Cue the music.
When the only way to get any kind of suspense comes solely from the music, you know you're in trouble.
And I love films set in high-schools and where all the students look like they're 30. It is set in the US after all, so it is believable.
Besides, what kind of horror film is this, when you don't even see breasts?! It's not just a sexist comment,
but it's a horror film staple that whatever girl shows her boobs will die. Anyway, she does have quite a nice ass in those white jeans of hers. But fuck this puritanical bullshit. Boobs are a no-no. Swear words: frowned upon. But show a guy slicing his own neck with a steak knife: Yeah, okay, sure. That's what happens
when you country is founded on violence (oooh, getting all political in a Freddy Krueger review!)
On a side note, Why do all the guys look like drug-addicted indie rockers? (Oh. Maybe because that's what they are.)
And what's with Freddy's voice? His face and his claws weren't scary enough so they had to use a fake-creepy voice? It sounds like the bad voice-over of some cheesy computer game.
In the end, the original was scarier, because he seemed way way more psychotic. Or maybe I was younger, I should rewatch the original.
Anyway, the solution is simple, as the guy says: "Just don't go to sleep!" Oh, ok. It's like saying: "Just stop pissing." Or "Stop blinking, and you'll be fine." But, hey at the end of the day: "You heard your mom, these are just repressed memories." Yeah. My repressed memories make me fly around my room and spill my guts all over the floor. That's what repressed memories do. Those kind of repressed memories would make Freud cream his pants.
Also, if you press 'Enter' on your keyboard, why do you also have to click the mouse? Just wondering... And since you're so computer-savvy, why don't you just google 'Badham school' instead of looking through papers? Again, just wondering...
And you know what? I've read that Clancy Brown is a very nice guy. But when I see him, I see Hadley from 'Shawshank' and he scares the shit out of me. Give him the Freddy glove, without make-up. And he'll chop off Sean Connery's head all over again.
Kudos to Wes Craven for inventing Freddy, though. When you think about it, it's the perfect way to fuck with impressionable teenagers: Scare the shit out of them. Then tell them they'll die if they fall asleep. Maybe he was the catalyst behind the whole cocaine craze of the 80s?
Oh, uhm, by the way, why doesn't Freddy try to kill the parents?
So, this film might be scary if you haven't seen the original one and if you're a moron. That's cool.
I still say that 'The Tenant' is the scariest film out there, though.
Why the fuck make a remake of this film? So they can remake the whole series? God help us. I was young, sure, but I don't remember the original being that campy. And I definitely remember being scared shitless by the girl in the body bag. And the elongated arms scene.
But this film, well, the only thing that's scary is that I lost 90 minutes of my life.
Yeah... because people fall asleep at funerals all the time. I mean this is a film about dangerous dreams, so you gotta have people sleep. But not at night, no. At funerals, in class, in diners. While swimming. Sure...
The dialogue's also, well... judge for yourself:
'He kept saying "you're not real." Do you have any ideas what that means?'
Well, shit, that's a tough one! I'm not sure, but it might mean: 'you're not real.'
And what's with the quasi-ominous music all the time? Oh, she's looking for her pics, cue the music.
She's making a sandwich, cue the music.
There's wind! Cue the music.
She's walking home. Cue the music.
She's petting her dog. Cue the music.
When the only way to get any kind of suspense comes solely from the music, you know you're in trouble.
And I love films set in high-schools and where all the students look like they're 30. It is set in the US after all, so it is believable.
Besides, what kind of horror film is this, when you don't even see breasts?! It's not just a sexist comment,
but it's a horror film staple that whatever girl shows her boobs will die. Anyway, she does have quite a nice ass in those white jeans of hers. But fuck this puritanical bullshit. Boobs are a no-no. Swear words: frowned upon. But show a guy slicing his own neck with a steak knife: Yeah, okay, sure. That's what happens
when you country is founded on violence (oooh, getting all political in a Freddy Krueger review!)
On a side note, Why do all the guys look like drug-addicted indie rockers? (Oh. Maybe because that's what they are.)
And what's with Freddy's voice? His face and his claws weren't scary enough so they had to use a fake-creepy voice? It sounds like the bad voice-over of some cheesy computer game.
In the end, the original was scarier, because he seemed way way more psychotic. Or maybe I was younger, I should rewatch the original.
Anyway, the solution is simple, as the guy says: "Just don't go to sleep!" Oh, ok. It's like saying: "Just stop pissing." Or "Stop blinking, and you'll be fine." But, hey at the end of the day: "You heard your mom, these are just repressed memories." Yeah. My repressed memories make me fly around my room and spill my guts all over the floor. That's what repressed memories do. Those kind of repressed memories would make Freud cream his pants.
Also, if you press 'Enter' on your keyboard, why do you also have to click the mouse? Just wondering... And since you're so computer-savvy, why don't you just google 'Badham school' instead of looking through papers? Again, just wondering...
And you know what? I've read that Clancy Brown is a very nice guy. But when I see him, I see Hadley from 'Shawshank' and he scares the shit out of me. Give him the Freddy glove, without make-up. And he'll chop off Sean Connery's head all over again.
Kudos to Wes Craven for inventing Freddy, though. When you think about it, it's the perfect way to fuck with impressionable teenagers: Scare the shit out of them. Then tell them they'll die if they fall asleep. Maybe he was the catalyst behind the whole cocaine craze of the 80s?
Oh, uhm, by the way, why doesn't Freddy try to kill the parents?
So, this film might be scary if you haven't seen the original one and if you're a moron. That's cool.
I still say that 'The Tenant' is the scariest film out there, though.
Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
So, here's another sequel, but actually directed by the original director, so that makes it better. As far as sequels go, this one isn't half-bad. Which means it's not quite half-good either.
The 80s were perfetct for 'Wall Street': greed, money, excess. Cheesy music and horrible decorating tastes.
Which makes me think: is this film going to seem dated in 15 years, like the original is? Don't get me wrong, I like the original and I didn't mind the new one. I'll also be honest and say that I didn't know what the fuck was going on for most of the film, but I am guessing I am not the only one. I get it, it's a revenge story. But that's about all I could tell. A lot of money's going around, everybody wants it, and well... that's it.
It's cool so see Mr. Wallach and, ha ha: the protagonist's ring tone is the music from 'The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly.' Haha. But Shia looks too fucking dumb to enjoy a Sergio Leone film. And he's part of the reason why the last 'Indiana Jones' sucked more than a turbo Hoover vacuum set on 'Super Suck.'
But, oh well. At least Gekko's still ruthless, he's still an asshole. And you still kinda wish you were him. Or is that just me?
And I'll tell you why Stone likes Brolin... Because they fucking look alike! It's a bit spooky.
In the end, 2010 is perfect for the new 'Wall Street' because money is the world's leukemia. That's some deep shit, right there. Plus it doesn't reallly mean anything, which makes it seem even deeper.
A couple of things that miffed me though...
He just got a 1.5 million-dollar check and he only drinks Moët & Chandon? Yeah, that's why he didn't get the hot Russian chick. Also because he looks like a douche.
And for fuck's sake!! Stop showing us Prague when it's supposed to be Switzerland! ('Undercovers' was guilty of that too recently). Yes, Zurich, like Prague, has a tram system and old houses. And it snows there. Is that really all they need? Or is it a reason to go to Prague, to blow money on cheap beer and hookers? In that
case, that's cool. I understand.
So, there. Not much to say. Not a bad film, not a great film. Like most of Stone's work lately, really.
The 80s were perfetct for 'Wall Street': greed, money, excess. Cheesy music and horrible decorating tastes.
Which makes me think: is this film going to seem dated in 15 years, like the original is? Don't get me wrong, I like the original and I didn't mind the new one. I'll also be honest and say that I didn't know what the fuck was going on for most of the film, but I am guessing I am not the only one. I get it, it's a revenge story. But that's about all I could tell. A lot of money's going around, everybody wants it, and well... that's it.
It's cool so see Mr. Wallach and, ha ha: the protagonist's ring tone is the music from 'The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly.' Haha. But Shia looks too fucking dumb to enjoy a Sergio Leone film. And he's part of the reason why the last 'Indiana Jones' sucked more than a turbo Hoover vacuum set on 'Super Suck.'
But, oh well. At least Gekko's still ruthless, he's still an asshole. And you still kinda wish you were him. Or is that just me?
And I'll tell you why Stone likes Brolin... Because they fucking look alike! It's a bit spooky.
In the end, 2010 is perfect for the new 'Wall Street' because money is the world's leukemia. That's some deep shit, right there. Plus it doesn't reallly mean anything, which makes it seem even deeper.
A couple of things that miffed me though...
He just got a 1.5 million-dollar check and he only drinks Moët & Chandon? Yeah, that's why he didn't get the hot Russian chick. Also because he looks like a douche.
And for fuck's sake!! Stop showing us Prague when it's supposed to be Switzerland! ('Undercovers' was guilty of that too recently). Yes, Zurich, like Prague, has a tram system and old houses. And it snows there. Is that really all they need? Or is it a reason to go to Prague, to blow money on cheap beer and hookers? In that
case, that's cool. I understand.
So, there. Not much to say. Not a bad film, not a great film. Like most of Stone's work lately, really.
Sex and the City 2
I never got the whole 'Sex & the City' hoopla. Maybe because I'm not a woman. It's a show about spoiled rich women sleeping their way through the New York phonebook. Then women identify with them and, with their friends, they talk about who's Samantha and who's whatever the other names are.
I did watch a couple of the TV shows and although I didn't love them, I admit they were well written. But why I put myself through two hours and twenty minutes of this sequel, God only knows. Well, okay, it was mostly to have material to write this review.
The dialogue's stilted, you can see what line they thought were funny, but they're not. Seriously, tell me if that's funny:
'There ought to be a law against hiring a nanny like that.'
'Yeah. The Jude Law.'
Even the characters looked in pain while giggling to that. Later, they even dare mention this, calling it 'a joke' and 'funny.'
And... 'Abu Dhabi Do?' Really?
For a story to work, you need conflict. And you need an actualy freakin' story! 15 minutes in, you still don't know what the film will be about, except spoiled women attending a gay wedding. At this point, I figure they just dropped all pretense of a story, they get the actors together, have them talk and wait for the throngs of women, their boyfriends/husbands (who got dragged there against the threat of cutting sex for a month), and gay guys to pay their 10 bucks and pretend to love it. They could stare at the poster and they'd still love it.
And then the plot starts: it will be about a baby! Oh, wait. No. False alert. Still no plot.
23 minutes in. It's about growing older next to perky buxom blondes!
Oh, wait. No. Still no plot. Maybe in the end it will be about how the red head hates her job and can't see her kid grow up (super original). Oh. No. She quits immediately.
In the end, it's about falling into a routine as a couple, it's about being jealous of the nanny, it's about growing old. And it's about the four ladies going to Abu Dhabi.
Much fun ensues... Like a karaoke with all of the girls! Oh, how exciting! And fun! This is awesome!
Wait, no. It's not.
And then they all share an 'awww' moment when one of them says 'we're soulmates.' Awww.
Seriously, that's the whole story. 2 hours and 20 minutes of exactly that. One has problems with her husband, one is afraid her husband will cheat on her with the (quite hot) nanny, one doesn't have her anti-aging drugs. The other does fuck all except look like a red-head. And they're all in the Middle East. And because someone finally understood that there was no plot, they introduce an old flame in the middle of the souk. Yawn.
I'm glad they do show how Indians work for a pitance in the middle of the super-luxury world of the super rich. But then what could have been a meaningful message gets diluted into a 'parable' for couples living apart. Yawn.
The actors are for the most part good ones, as was shown in other films or TV series. But in this film, they stand, walk and deliver their lines as if the film was directed by a gym teacher for a school play.
And I almost lost my breakfast when Liza Minnelli started singing a Beyonce song. Seriously, this happens in this film.
This film is so white, that even a Beyonce song is sung by an old white woman. Seriously, don't they have minorities in New York? I guess not.
Also, apparently straight guys can't shave or tie a tie. That's how you know they're straight and single in the world of rich bitches who live like Republicans and pretend to be Democrats.
In 10 years, I'd like to see 'Sex & The City 5,' with the three girls (yeah, one of them will be dead. I won't say how or who, I'll just say it involves a slow painful death by STDs. Yes: plural.) in a nursing home, dumped there by their ungrateful children, who took the money and are now sleeping their way through the New York phonebook. They'll be making jokes about the lumps in the tapioca and their artificial hips. And then they all get euthanized and their dreams come true: their skins are used by Vera Wang to make fuck-me pumps. But twist ending: they end up in the bargain bin of a Marshall's.
PS: Is it just me, or does S. J. Parker's character dress like a millionaire hobo?
PPS: How spoiled are you when you HAVE to leave the country right NOW to make sure you'll be in first class?
I did watch a couple of the TV shows and although I didn't love them, I admit they were well written. But why I put myself through two hours and twenty minutes of this sequel, God only knows. Well, okay, it was mostly to have material to write this review.
The dialogue's stilted, you can see what line they thought were funny, but they're not. Seriously, tell me if that's funny:
'There ought to be a law against hiring a nanny like that.'
'Yeah. The Jude Law.'
Even the characters looked in pain while giggling to that. Later, they even dare mention this, calling it 'a joke' and 'funny.'
And... 'Abu Dhabi Do?' Really?
For a story to work, you need conflict. And you need an actualy freakin' story! 15 minutes in, you still don't know what the film will be about, except spoiled women attending a gay wedding. At this point, I figure they just dropped all pretense of a story, they get the actors together, have them talk and wait for the throngs of women, their boyfriends/husbands (who got dragged there against the threat of cutting sex for a month), and gay guys to pay their 10 bucks and pretend to love it. They could stare at the poster and they'd still love it.
And then the plot starts: it will be about a baby! Oh, wait. No. False alert. Still no plot.
23 minutes in. It's about growing older next to perky buxom blondes!
Oh, wait. No. Still no plot. Maybe in the end it will be about how the red head hates her job and can't see her kid grow up (super original). Oh. No. She quits immediately.
In the end, it's about falling into a routine as a couple, it's about being jealous of the nanny, it's about growing old. And it's about the four ladies going to Abu Dhabi.
Much fun ensues... Like a karaoke with all of the girls! Oh, how exciting! And fun! This is awesome!
Wait, no. It's not.
And then they all share an 'awww' moment when one of them says 'we're soulmates.' Awww.
Seriously, that's the whole story. 2 hours and 20 minutes of exactly that. One has problems with her husband, one is afraid her husband will cheat on her with the (quite hot) nanny, one doesn't have her anti-aging drugs. The other does fuck all except look like a red-head. And they're all in the Middle East. And because someone finally understood that there was no plot, they introduce an old flame in the middle of the souk. Yawn.
I'm glad they do show how Indians work for a pitance in the middle of the super-luxury world of the super rich. But then what could have been a meaningful message gets diluted into a 'parable' for couples living apart. Yawn.
The actors are for the most part good ones, as was shown in other films or TV series. But in this film, they stand, walk and deliver their lines as if the film was directed by a gym teacher for a school play.
And I almost lost my breakfast when Liza Minnelli started singing a Beyonce song. Seriously, this happens in this film.
This film is so white, that even a Beyonce song is sung by an old white woman. Seriously, don't they have minorities in New York? I guess not.
Also, apparently straight guys can't shave or tie a tie. That's how you know they're straight and single in the world of rich bitches who live like Republicans and pretend to be Democrats.
In 10 years, I'd like to see 'Sex & The City 5,' with the three girls (yeah, one of them will be dead. I won't say how or who, I'll just say it involves a slow painful death by STDs. Yes: plural.) in a nursing home, dumped there by their ungrateful children, who took the money and are now sleeping their way through the New York phonebook. They'll be making jokes about the lumps in the tapioca and their artificial hips. And then they all get euthanized and their dreams come true: their skins are used by Vera Wang to make fuck-me pumps. But twist ending: they end up in the bargain bin of a Marshall's.
PS: Is it just me, or does S. J. Parker's character dress like a millionaire hobo?
PPS: How spoiled are you when you HAVE to leave the country right NOW to make sure you'll be in first class?
The American
IMDb Link
Remember when smart films were being made? Films where they didn't insult the audiences' intelligence? In the 60s and 70s?
Then people got stupid and Stallone, Segal, and all the other 'action dudes' started making films and a spy film became about explosions, ridiculous plots and bad acting.
And then you have a film like this, which takes you back to the time when films were good and smart.
I admit I didn't want to see this film at first, because I saw the trailer and it looked like some dumb action film. Which surprised me, since Clooney was in it. So, ironically, I didn't go for the same reasons most Americans probably went to see it. I mean, I can imagine it...
'Dude... Action film, and it's called "The American!" Fuck, yeah!'
But then I learned that Corbijn had directed it, and I also heard it was good from a reliable source (someone who likes stories of loneliness and looking at spinning ceiling fans).
And, well... Shit. That's one good film. It's smart, it doesn't insult your intelligence and, yes: it's slow-paced. But it's supposed to be. It's like real life. If your real life was spent in a small Italian village, befriending a priest, sleeping with a hot prostitute, building weapons and hiding from assassins.
Seriously, it seems real, and Clooney is very good as the outsider, albeit a ruthless one (the opening scene was pretty unexpected).
After a while, you feel the paranoia. You never know who's gonna turn against him, you never know when he's gonna turn against someone. Some plot points were a bit predictable, but it doesn't hurt from the overall film. Perhaps the fact that the three women you see are super beautiful makes this a 'Hollywood film.' But hey, if the story's good, the directing's good, the acting's good, then why not have beautiful women on top of that (well, in this case they're mostly under Clooney)?
I did enjoy the scene where, even though it was a bit unnecessary, Clooney sits alone with Renato Carasone's "Tu vuo fa' l'Americano" playing in the background. I liked the fact that a western is playing on a TV and the bartender only says: "Sergio Leone. Italiano." Yes, four of the best westerns ever made, meaning stories about the West, were made by Signor Leone. Not an American. Always important to mention it.
I also quite liked the Italian version of 'Rain.'
If you want to see a good film that feels like a good American 70s film, or a good European film (there are some, apart from the afore-mentioned westerns, I'm told), then watch this film.
If you want to see big explosions and over-the-top love stories, watch 'SALT' or 'Titanic.' Or just shoot yourself. If there were less people like you, there'd be more films like 'The American.'
Remember when smart films were being made? Films where they didn't insult the audiences' intelligence? In the 60s and 70s?
Then people got stupid and Stallone, Segal, and all the other 'action dudes' started making films and a spy film became about explosions, ridiculous plots and bad acting.
And then you have a film like this, which takes you back to the time when films were good and smart.
I admit I didn't want to see this film at first, because I saw the trailer and it looked like some dumb action film. Which surprised me, since Clooney was in it. So, ironically, I didn't go for the same reasons most Americans probably went to see it. I mean, I can imagine it...
'Dude... Action film, and it's called "The American!" Fuck, yeah!'
But then I learned that Corbijn had directed it, and I also heard it was good from a reliable source (someone who likes stories of loneliness and looking at spinning ceiling fans).
And, well... Shit. That's one good film. It's smart, it doesn't insult your intelligence and, yes: it's slow-paced. But it's supposed to be. It's like real life. If your real life was spent in a small Italian village, befriending a priest, sleeping with a hot prostitute, building weapons and hiding from assassins.
Seriously, it seems real, and Clooney is very good as the outsider, albeit a ruthless one (the opening scene was pretty unexpected).
After a while, you feel the paranoia. You never know who's gonna turn against him, you never know when he's gonna turn against someone. Some plot points were a bit predictable, but it doesn't hurt from the overall film. Perhaps the fact that the three women you see are super beautiful makes this a 'Hollywood film.' But hey, if the story's good, the directing's good, the acting's good, then why not have beautiful women on top of that (well, in this case they're mostly under Clooney)?
I did enjoy the scene where, even though it was a bit unnecessary, Clooney sits alone with Renato Carasone's "Tu vuo fa' l'Americano" playing in the background. I liked the fact that a western is playing on a TV and the bartender only says: "Sergio Leone. Italiano." Yes, four of the best westerns ever made, meaning stories about the West, were made by Signor Leone. Not an American. Always important to mention it.
I also quite liked the Italian version of 'Rain.'
If you want to see a good film that feels like a good American 70s film, or a good European film (there are some, apart from the afore-mentioned westerns, I'm told), then watch this film.
If you want to see big explosions and over-the-top love stories, watch 'SALT' or 'Titanic.' Or just shoot yourself. If there were less people like you, there'd be more films like 'The American.'
Hachi: A Dog's Tale
IMDb Link
If I criticize this film, I'll sound like a heartless asshole.
So be it.
Actually, it's not the story, or the film in itself, I would like to talk about, it's more about Lasse Hallström...
First, when your first name almost is the name of a famous Collie who rescues toddlers in wells, I guess you're bound to make films called 'My Life as a Dog' and 'A Dog's Tale.' Technically, both titles would be okay for this film.
Like most Hallström films, there are 'aww' moments and then the bastard starts thugging at your heart strings with death and sadness and sad music and close-ups of sad people. He wants you to cry.
Hallström is a sadist.
He pulls all the tricks:
Close-ups of a puppy. Awww.
A puppy looking all sad and cute. Awww.
A grown dog loving his master. Awww.
A dog looking all sad and worried. Awww.
Wimpers. Awww.
If on top of that you put string music or piano music, or both, then the awws turn into a cry-fest. I mean, I am aware of those tricks. I knew how it was gonna end.
And, yes, for fuck's sake: I shed tears. Okay, maybe I'm not heartless after all.
But, let's get back to the film. I guess I will criticize the story a wee bit after all. We get it that the dog loves Richard and Richard loves the dog, but it kind of goes on and on. What's the point of the skunk episode, for example?
The POVs of the dog were nice, but I sometimes thought Hachi was going to go Cujo on the wife. That would have been cool.
But no, Hachi is the nicest, most loyal dog in the world. And a bit stubborn. And, if you ask me, perhaps not the brightest crayon in the box. I mean, at some point, the dog's gotta understand what's going on and give the fuck up.
Plus, we are shown the pound in the beginning. A dog running around without a collar doesn't end up in the pound?
I guess even Lasse couldn't show us Hachi getting put to sleep. But imagine the violins swelling and the audience, not merely shedding tears, but crying like hungry two-month-olds who have dirty diapers. But it's based on a real story, so I guess he couldn't do that. Because filmmakers always stick to the truth.
So Hachi is cute as hell. The story's cute. You cry, you go 'awww.' It's a Lasse Hallström film. If you want to see a film that will make you cry, this film is for you. It's a good date film. Your date will cry and you'll be able to console her. And you'll cry and she'll get to see your sensitive side. And before you know it, you'll adopt a dog and move in together. But then you'll split up and fight about who keeps the dog and you'll be hoping that your dog is like Hachi and will love you forever. But the dog doesn't give a shit, he's sleeping on the floor, farting contentedly and will be happy as long as he gets food when he demands it. So you'll end up living on your own, alone, without your dog. Then you'll turn into an alcoholic, lose your job, and then your sanity. And you'll be 'that weird guy at the bus stop.'
All because of this film.
PS: Only in films do you not see dogs shitting and pissing on floors. And humping every leg that walks past.
If I criticize this film, I'll sound like a heartless asshole.
So be it.
Actually, it's not the story, or the film in itself, I would like to talk about, it's more about Lasse Hallström...
First, when your first name almost is the name of a famous Collie who rescues toddlers in wells, I guess you're bound to make films called 'My Life as a Dog' and 'A Dog's Tale.' Technically, both titles would be okay for this film.
Like most Hallström films, there are 'aww' moments and then the bastard starts thugging at your heart strings with death and sadness and sad music and close-ups of sad people. He wants you to cry.
Hallström is a sadist.
He pulls all the tricks:
Close-ups of a puppy. Awww.
A puppy looking all sad and cute. Awww.
A grown dog loving his master. Awww.
A dog looking all sad and worried. Awww.
Wimpers. Awww.
If on top of that you put string music or piano music, or both, then the awws turn into a cry-fest. I mean, I am aware of those tricks. I knew how it was gonna end.
And, yes, for fuck's sake: I shed tears. Okay, maybe I'm not heartless after all.
But, let's get back to the film. I guess I will criticize the story a wee bit after all. We get it that the dog loves Richard and Richard loves the dog, but it kind of goes on and on. What's the point of the skunk episode, for example?
The POVs of the dog were nice, but I sometimes thought Hachi was going to go Cujo on the wife. That would have been cool.
But no, Hachi is the nicest, most loyal dog in the world. And a bit stubborn. And, if you ask me, perhaps not the brightest crayon in the box. I mean, at some point, the dog's gotta understand what's going on and give the fuck up.
Plus, we are shown the pound in the beginning. A dog running around without a collar doesn't end up in the pound?
I guess even Lasse couldn't show us Hachi getting put to sleep. But imagine the violins swelling and the audience, not merely shedding tears, but crying like hungry two-month-olds who have dirty diapers. But it's based on a real story, so I guess he couldn't do that. Because filmmakers always stick to the truth.
So Hachi is cute as hell. The story's cute. You cry, you go 'awww.' It's a Lasse Hallström film. If you want to see a film that will make you cry, this film is for you. It's a good date film. Your date will cry and you'll be able to console her. And you'll cry and she'll get to see your sensitive side. And before you know it, you'll adopt a dog and move in together. But then you'll split up and fight about who keeps the dog and you'll be hoping that your dog is like Hachi and will love you forever. But the dog doesn't give a shit, he's sleeping on the floor, farting contentedly and will be happy as long as he gets food when he demands it. So you'll end up living on your own, alone, without your dog. Then you'll turn into an alcoholic, lose your job, and then your sanity. And you'll be 'that weird guy at the bus stop.'
All because of this film.
PS: Only in films do you not see dogs shitting and pissing on floors. And humping every leg that walks past.
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