Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Stolen

IMDb Link

Hi there, don't mind me while I open up my Big Box of Clichés...

1. Golly, us God-fearin' farm folks are sure in a pickle. Pa' lost the farm and Ma' hung herself and now she's with Jesus.
2. I'm a tough cop and my kid got kidnapped and I'm totally obsessed with finding him. Now my marriage is on the rocks.

Yawn. What. Ever.

They're trying to be all original because it's the parallel stories of two men, one is about a guy trying to find his son, the other is about how another guy lost his son.
Gasp. Incredible, right?

It's not.

Hey, have you noticed how many silver screen thespians are on TV now? Top of my head: Giancarlo Esposito, Glenn Close, William Hurt, Charlie Sheen, Martin Sheen, John Goodman (yeah, yeah, 'Roseanne.'), Alec Baldwin, Christian Slater, etc...

And then you have a film with the actors from 'Mad Men,' 'Weeds,' 'Boston Legal,' 'V (Ms Baccarin is stunning and almost unrecognizable with long hair),' 'Dawson Creek,' 'Band of Brothers.' Not that there's anything wrong with that. My point is: it's just weird. Oh, and by the way I've seen this film when it was a TV show called 'The Forgotten.' And it got cancelled. And one of its actors plays a bartender in this film (and it ain't Slater)! And just like in the TV show, this film has a wax model made of what the victim looked like. And just like the show, they get the hairdo right. So I'm wondering: is your hairdo part of your DNA? From the mullets in the Southern States and Germany, one would think so...

Anyway, the whole film/TV crossover must mean that TV has become a better medium than films. And after watching this tinseltown classic, I can only agree.
Imagine a mix between 'The Pledge' (kids being murdered, obsession, rabbits instead of hedgehogs), 'A Perfect World' (60s Americana, a boy and a man bonding on the road), 'Forrest Gump' (the South, the slow boy' and 'The Lovely Bones' (child murders, again).
While they might all be good (or great. Or crappy) films on their own, a mix ain't that good. It's as if you decided to mix Bombay Sapphire gin, Nutella, foie gras and Lagavulin together. Wouldn't be good. Although I'm sure some 'Nouvelle Cuisine' asshole out there is gonna market this and make a fortune. Called 'Petit Déjeuner des rois.' Gag me with a spoon. But I digress, again.

The best moments are the transitions between past and present, they're pretty smooth and eerie at the same time.
But the dialogue, oh mama! The wife talking to her husband on the phone, about the latter's mother (I'm paraphrasing): "Your mother is coming. Every time she reads one of those stories, she comes here." Yeah, because her husband didn't know, so she had to tell him.
Or the car stopping at a gas station, at a pump and the attendent: "Need some gas?" No. I just want to talk to your hot wife so you can draw a gun on me and in no way whatsoever contribute to the story. Except that we're gonna see Ms Baccarin some more, and that's okay with me.
How about this one: "I don't want trouble. With the law."
"I wanna thank you for being a good friend to us." And it's told to the killer! Oh, no! BAZINGA!
"He was very sad, really." Weird. I mean it's not like his son disappeared or anything. Oh, wait...

Anyway, thhere are 50 more lines that are as bad as these. This is what happens when actors think they can write. Seriously, a blindfolded monkey with a pineapple up his ass could write better dialogue than this.

There's no suspense, there's no drama and that's something because it takes some kind of special person to not have drama in a film that deals with dead kids.
Anyway, point is: as a God-fearing Christian, if you have sex with a married woman, your kid will get killed. The whole wrath thingie, I guess. And of course: TV shows are now more worth watching that most films.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.