Still Waiting...

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There's a frist degree humor, sure. But this is absolute-zero humor. Really, within the first ten minutes, you get all the staples of a good ole' American comedy: bathroom humor, boobs, speech impediment, weed smoking, naked dream, objectifying women (well, that's cool). Oh, and puns (or, should I say: 'pun.' (the quotations and the singular are important) on getting off. Yeah, let your imagination run wild. But, to be fair, a character walks in and states the obvious (for comedic purpose and for the morons who hadn't understood the 'pun'): "We get it: you two want to fuck!" Oh, how I laughed.

Then they make fun of Middle Eastern guys and old people, and there are many many MANY dick/sex/drug/masturbation/fart jokes. So you know it's classy.

It makes 'Porky's' look like 'The King's Speech.' Shit, it makes 'American Pie' look like 'Syriana.' Bottom line is: Adam Carolla is in it. So you can imagine how subtle it all is. Sadder yet: he's the source of the only giggle that came out of me.

Honestly, the funniest part is the opening credits, where the menu items are described. That's right: after 2 minutes, you don't need to watch the film because you've just seen the funniest part.

And you know what: As we learned on 'Lost,' Tania Raymonde is way, way, WAAAAY hot. She makes me weep, but in a good way.

Also: Thank God for wine, it made the film almost bearable. Almost. I had to open a second bottle to bear it all. After a while, I was thinking about trepanation, or a vasectomy, or slurping down a poisonous mushroom soup, or fingering a deadly spider. Pretty much anything except watching this film. At some point, I paused the film, got up from my couch, walked to the nearest wall and hit my head on it. Many times. I was then sporting a silly-ass grin and thought the film was kinda funny. Yeah, okay, this might be too subtle for this film's audience so let me come right out and say it: You can only enjoy this film if your IQ is non-existent Yes: non-existent. Some sheep, some mussels and a few oysters would not laugh at this film, because they got some kind of IQ.
America: this film is for you!

I once got third-degree burns on my hand. The excruciating pain left a better memory than this film.

The sad thing is that some pretty good and proven-funny actors are in this, but I am guessing they were blackmailed into it. That's the only possible explanation.

Imagine a cripple midget slipping in dog shit and falling in elephant vomit. And dying. It's kinda not cool, right? Well, after watching this film, your only wish would be to be the afore-mentioned midget. If Hitler had had his way and won the war and conquered the world, this is the kind of film the Propaganda Ministry would be making to force the masses into thinking they were having fun. Fuck, to keep the Third Reich analogy going: Zyklon B is more merciful than this film.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you cross the line.

Speaking of which: if you've giggled more than once while watching this film, because you thought this film was funny: then you're on the next shipment to our special re-education camp. Say good-bye to your loved ones, just in case you don't make it home. Darwinism, bitches: suck it.

I've never been to Hooters and I never will. But I've been to Shooters, in Poland. And I still remember our young lovely waitress... My 'girlfriend' at the time wanted to do her even more than I did. How I miss Eastern Europe. No, I don't have a point, just wanted to share this with you.

PS: Why is it called 'Still Waiting?' Still waiting for my life back? Still waiting for the bullets I special-ordered to blow my brains out? Still waiting for a story? Really, I've read Garfield stories that had more arc.
Was 'Big Tits, Assholes & Cocks' copywritten by some San Fernando Valley production company?