SALT

Hello my three readers, how have you been? Missed me? Well, here I am for a new 'review...'

Not sure how to start in a subtle fashion, so: How lucky can the bitch be?! She finds a truck at the right moment, and then another and then another, and then a bike and there's traffic and the highly-trained (we assume) CIA agent can't shoot for shit and, apparently, the CIA can't dispatch a fucking 'copter on her ass. Shit, even B'more's got Fox Trot to find Kima's shooters!

I mean, they got a room that can read brain waves and shit, but no chopper? Really? This might be why we still haven't won the war on terror: lack of priorities.

So, if Bourne and MacGyver had a love child, it would have luscious lips, great legs and three dozen babies. I don't get the whole Jolie thing, apparently all women, straight or not so straight, have a fantasy that involves her. I wouldn't kick her out of bed, but hell: at this point I'd wine and dine Ms Sidibe (no, he didn't!), who I'm sure has a lovely personality.

So I'm a cock, eat me.

And sister, please (sorry, I've been rewatching 'The Wire' lately, pardon the corner talk): when you look
the way you look, would contacts and fake teeth be enough to go unnoticed? What about a fake nose/glasses/'stache thingy? No, you gotta go Theron in 'Monster,' at least, if you want to evade the CIA. Or apparently not. At least she finally gets her hair black in the end, the way it should be.

I think that's why Ossama can't be found: because he's dressed like Clouseau dressed as Quasimodo and floating around Paris. Or he's wearing a blue turban and shaved his beard and goes around as Ahmed. That's hi-tech for you.

I have to say, I am a bit surprised that Jolie would be in a film like this, but then I thought of the afore-mentioned 36 babies. Those rugrats gotta be expensive...
At least the bad guys aren't Muslims, they're good old-fashioned Russians. Kudos on the Medvedev look-alike and the almost-homonymous name, but seriously, not to get political or anything: does anybody think Medvedev has any power whatsover? They should have called the character Putinka, or Poot-in. Or Poutout, or whatever.

And wait: the US VP dies and the only foreign dignitary is the Russian Pres? Huh?? I know the Poles are probably worried about boarding a plane nowadays (zing!), but what about the other countries? I know nobody would give a fuck in real life, but to think that only Russia would is just weird. Plus the Pres speaks in English, sure. Because all big-time politicians all around the world speak English. I would know, I live in Turkey (this calls for a Bazinga!).

Ah, crazy Hollywood people, who don't seem to know the damage grenades actually do on a person. Or that flying off a freeway in an SUV would at the very least bruise you. A bit.
And, wait: You get Andre Braugher, and all he's got is a glorified part as an extra? Really?
Never mind the fact that I could not get involved in the story because I didn't give a rat's ass about the main character: maybe she's guilty, maybe she's not. Unless she undresses, I don't give a shit. And she never does, so I don't (give a shit, that is). And anyway, if you're the kind of person who got surprised by her real guilt or non-guilt, and by who was actually guilty (or not), then okay: this film was made for you. Now go buy a Big-Mac and some discounted Calvin Klein jeans at Marshall's before plopping down in your sofa to watch reruns of 'Rosanne' with a bucket of greasy KFC on your laps. And once that's done: fuck off.

There's a lot of action, and pow-pows, some ker-plows and  a few bang-bangs. Yawn. Why isn't she naked? It is a very simplistic take on the film, granted, but after having seeing her acting talent in 'The Changeling,' why would she be in a film like this? Oh... Coz there's only one Eastwood out there. And the 36 kids, here we are again. Oh, but wait: she was in 'Hackers' and 'Wanted,' wasn't she?
So 'Changeling' was a fluke.

All this being said, it's always a pleasure to see Mr Schreiber on screen. And you see a bit of Jolie's legs, so what the hell.
But... Why spiders? Fuck, these things are nasty! Me no like those arachnid fucks! It's just because of their poisonous bites? Wowee, that was a big shock by the way.

Sorry, but come 9pm, when I'm getting my drink on I want one of two things: a great story or naked women. Or both. I got neither with this waste of time.

PS: I want to see a lips fight: Jolie vs Beart. Place your bets!
PPS: Coming soon to a theater near you: 'Salt 2.' You think?