The Losers

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I shouldn't have liked this film. The story is predictable and preprosterous, the characters are pretty much cardboard copies of what you'd expect them to be. Wait, does that make sense? Well, you know what I mean.

Yeah, but...

I was in the mood to watch something light and predictable. I wanted to see shit explode. And shit explode, I did indeed see.

This is a graphic novel adaptation. I have not read it, but you can almost smell the ink wafting off the screen.
There are slow-mos and fixed frames and insane action that can only work in graphic novels, but it works in there, too. Kinda.

And... You have Jason Patric as the bad guy. A mean asshole, who loves the US, who works for the US and who kills everyone and anyone (women and children, too, what's not to like?!). It's nice to see him having fun instead of being a whiny-ass bitch. No offense to female dogs out there, you know I like you all.

And... You got Idris Elba, who I still can't believe isn't American. He was a bad, bad-ass as Stringer Bell. He's a bad, bad-ass here. He tries to say some funny things. But I don't know... After seeing him on 'The Office,' I have to wonder: either he's a fun funny guy who can be the straight guy, or he's actually completely devoid of humor. He's probably gonna kick my ass now. But that'll be an honor. Stringer Bell rules. Avon's a douche.

And... And... You knew it was coming... There is Zoë Saldana who looks so much better when she's not all blue and CGI animated. Seriously, she is one of the most beautiful (and hottest) actresses out there.
It's sexist, yes, I know. But you have to be dead to not go all tingly and sweaty when you look at her. She seems perfect. I say seem, because, well... it's a film. But look at that face! And that body! And the legs... I have to admit that if she were pointing a gun at me, I'd be turned on. And I'd die with a boner.
Yes, I'm crude, rude, and crass.
I only wish that the so-called 'sex scene' was actually one where you saw more of her. It brings us back to: it's okay to see a gazillion people getting shot and die, but one breast or, God forbid, one nipple? Oh, no no no no no. That would pervert our youths.
Yeah. Uh huh. Maybe a bit of perversion is just what our youths need.

I'm obsessed, I know. I'm sad, sure. I'm a loser, yes.

Blow me.

Back after a cold shower, let's finish this...

Anyway, so... that's all I gotta say... Predictable story with shit blowing up. Which is exactly what this film was pretending to be. I mean... Army dudes with goofy nicknames, abandoned by their government.
Uhm... A-Team anyone? Except with a way way way hot chick. I mean hot babe. I mean girl. I mean actress. I mean thespian. I mean... oh, fuck it.

So, no: I wasn't in the mood to watch a Cambodian New Wave film about spider whisperers. So sue me.
I didn't want to watch a film about a deaf homosexual transgender teenager with Down syndrome, slowly dying of intestinal cancer. No, I wanted to watch shit blow up, watch people get shot, listen to some cheesy dialogue. And stare at an überfrau. Oh, and while doing it, I wanted to watch the US being ridiculed as an Axis of Evil. That's always a hoot.

Would I watch it again? No. (Well, one or two parts, on freeze frame... wink wink, nudge nudge) Was I bored? No. Entertained? Kinda.

And that's what most films should do, and I dig that.
Would I watch 'The Losers 2?' Yes. Would I regret it? Most probably. Would I care? Possibly. Am I asking too many questions? Definitely.

So sue me.

No, really: sue me.