I'm Still Here

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We all love stories about rising to power and then losing it all. This is not this kind of film. This is a film about losing it all and just plain losing it. It's about spiraling out of control into a bottomless abyss.

This is fascinating like a train wreck can be.

You get a pretty successful actor who decides to quit acting because he hates his job (and we later see that he REALLY hates it. You feel sorry for the guy, being forced to give interviews and all). He wants to be a hip-hop singer. Okay. But if said-actor is Joaquin Phoenix, then you kinda go: "Huh?!"
You see him looking more and more bloated and more and more hirsute. He goes around talking like a wino, you see him smoke weed, snort coke, 'order' some escorts, doing coke from their tits. And they're ugly tits, at that.

Speaking of coke, we  don't often see Joaquin sober in this film. He slurs or jumps around or is being an asshole or a fool. Sometimes, all at the same time. He looks and acts like an angry Jeffrey Lebowski who wants to rap.

If being famous makes you do that, then what's the point of being famous? But okay, he does pick up a couple of star-fuckers in Miami. There is still hope for him.

It is painful to see him in this downward spiral and this hip-hop dream no one but him believes in...
He tries and tries to meet P. Diddy, and then he manages to fuck that up because he was too busy getting stoned. Dude...

Then we meet Diddy, and the dude only wants money. It's painful, it looks like he's conning the shit out of Phoenix. What a fucked up world. Next time we see them, the pain is once again there, Joaquin is scared and respectful and full of hopes and Diddy's just being a bad ass.

I love it that whenever he's 'rapping,' people wear frozen smiles and deer-caught-in-headlights look. Except for Diddy. He doesn't smile.
At all.

In fact, his other meetings are fucked up, too. The one with Stiller actually looks like it could be an early Stiller sketch. But it ain't. It's more painful than most things that happen to Larry David on 'Curb.' 'Should I put a shirt on my head and act weird?' says Ben. Because Joaquin is indeed wearing a shirt on his head. Because, you know, people do that.
Speaking of uncomfortable, his (now famous) appearance on David Letterman is one of the most painful things ever, he doesn't know why people are laughing, he doesn't understand that they're laughing at him. He doesn't want to be there, so David is not gentle with him. He gets really pissed off and brutal. Too brutal.
Back in the green room, Phoenix seems to realize, a bit too late, what just happened. In fact, he realizes that everything he's been doing is a mistake and he finally shows a real emotion.

At this point, we can't help but feel sorry for the guy. Then he tries his best and you root for him and then... then he turns into an asshole again and he loses it big time. He loses it the one night he should not have lost it... Well, if you don't include the Letterman debacle.

So it's a train wreck. People on David Letterman laughed and sometimes you have to laugh, too. But in the end, it's about a guy who wants to do his thing, and no one takes him seriously. He lacks self-confidence, he hates his job. He loses his friends, he ruins his life.  It's a story we can all relate with.
So watching this is like watching a reality show, you don't know why you keep watching, but you do. And the more you do, the more uncomfortable you get. And the more you want to watch.

But let's not forget that Phoenix is an actor, and he's talented. Also, the director is his brother-in-law: Casey Affleck. So... how much of this is real (nothing is!)? It doesn't matter, really. It's still touching and sad and fascinating. My only hope while watching was that it was all staged (and it was, making it an even better  hoax than Andy Kaufman dreamed up), because I do like the guy as an actor and I hope  he'll be doing another film soon. And I hope he won't end up like his brother, although from the look of things, it might happen.

One thing that is certain, though, is that Edward James Olmos rules.
But we knew that anyway.

So, yeah... It's all fake, which makes Casey and Joaquin crazy talented people. Or, maybe... It was released as a serious documentary but they realized how foolish Phoenix looked, so they said: 'Yeah, that was a joke!' The only scene that really felt unreal was the 'shit on the face' scene, which is also the key to figuring it out how much of this is an actual 'documentary.' But the fact that it's all fake makes this a very funny and an even better film!