The Box

Wow. Okay, that's almost too easy, but here goes...

First thing I saw on the screen: 'Langley.' First thing I thought: 'uh oh.'
Fact is, I asked my friend Elicia, who has impeccable tastes, what books she'd recommend me to read. She told me Richard Matheson's 'Button, Button' and so I read it and I  have to admit it is indeed an amazing collection of short stories. The title story is about human relationships and it's short (10 pages) and tight and great.

Then we have this... film. Right...

Firstly: why is it set in the 70s? My guess is to have an excuse to shoot funky wallpapers. Or because whoever was in charge of hair was so inept that they said: 'Oh, fuck it! We'll just say it's the 70s.'
But then... if it's the 70s, the 50,000 bucks from the story would be good money. Now it's a million dollars. In the 70s. Right. Even Lee Iaccoca's wet dreams back then couldn't fathom that (well, okay, maybe they could). Speaking of keeping stuff close to the original story:
How about keeping the wife as a bored, drunk housewife? What's the point of the foot injury? And, okay: speaking of that: Cameron really needs to eat something. I've seen heroin-addicted anorexic supermodels who looked healthier. And once she starts eating, she could get a lip-reduction. And acting lessons. And get a new foot (really: WTF?!)

Anyway, moving on...

Secondly: it felt like the dialogue was written by a retarded monkey having a stroke. Seriously... The dialogue about the Christmas light was just so that the husband could say: 'everybody dies.' Wow. That's like... deep. And the box dialogue?! Everybody lives in a box?! Wow. Deep as fuck, dude. Speaking of deep... let's fool Americans into thinking we're actually deep by quoting Sartre.
Barf.

Thirdly: How can you talk about MARTIANS and keep a straight face?! How can you say: '3 gateways to choose, but only one path to salvation'?
All right everybody: join me in a Gob Bluth impersonation: 'Come ON!'

This is just sad. What's next? 'The Lottery' directed by Guy Ritchie, with bullets instead of rocks, and everybody survives in the end? 'Franny & Zooey' directed by Georges Lucas with Jar-Jar Binks as Franny (or Zooey)?! 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons' directed by David Fincher?
Oh, wait...

What else could I say? Let's see... Oh, yeah: so, a box that randomly kills people isn't freaky enough, nor is an anorexic hausfrau with bad hair, so you have to show the bad guy with a scary facial scar. Right.

But I have to admit that I did enjoy the overbearing music playing when the whole concept was explained towards the beginning.
Not.

Oh, and, oh, and: what's with the kid? Whenever he speaks, it feels like the movie's on fast forward! Seriously, he sounds like Martin Scorsese would after a gram of coke and a gallon of Red Bull!

Anyway, yeah: bad film. Really. Made me wish the paint on my walls was drying so I'd have something worthwhile to look at.

In concluding: Martians?!!? And... the main 'spooky' guy in the library, does he look like the love child of Stephen King and Henry Rollins, or is it just me? Okay... The end almost ties up the whole story, but by then I didn't give a shit about the characters.

Martians???