Super 8

IMDb Link

Okay, first and foremost and last and all that: Set in the 70s, for what? (really, picture me as the big black lady from 'Magnolia' when she's getting handcuffed by John C. Reilley: 'For what?! For what?!')... To show that the costume designer is wicked cool? To show muscle cars?  Coz the music was totally rad? Because the cheap clothes you can buy at flea markets are from that era? Or just coz the title sounded kind of good, so they had to find a reason for it.
Yeah, that last one, I'm guessing.

Or maybe because all the fuckwads out there these days have 70s hair-dos and we're so fucking politically correct that we would probably scar the little shits for life if we we were to tell them to get a fucking haircut because they don't look cool, they just look like assholes.
Bieber assholes.
The Beatles were cool. Some people who were actually alive in the 70s who had long hair were cool. But you just look like a dick.
A 21st century cock.
So, yeah: That would be way out of line to ask... So instead, sure: let's set the film in the 70s. It'll be cool.

Whatever.

And then people will bust a gut laughing at jokes like: 'Can you develop it over night?' 'Asshole, nobody can do it over night!' Oh, lord... priceless *he said while wiping a tear from his eye with his first finger.*

And then, how about that?! We show a guy... wait for it... listening to a WALKMAN! A cassette! And it's Blondie he's listening to! OMFG! This is so kray-zee! No, no, it gets better... The older guy wonders what the hell that contraption is, so the cool young guy explains it! And the old guy says: 'Young men listening to their own stereo is a slippery slope!' Hahahahaaaa! I need oxygen, I'm laughing so much!

Good news is that soon after that, at the 38-minute mark, the story starts. Oh, you crazy 'Super 8' you!

Then let's have someone mention the Soviets, that'll be heeeee-larious.

Shit, at this point, I'd be remiss if I didn't ask: do the kids these days even KNOW what film is? Or Super 8? Can they handle a film without vampires?

Why, yes of course they can, as long as the film is dumb and pointless!

Other than that, okay: let's make the audience like the kid by having his mother die and show him having a sweet cute crush on a girl. Because that's so sad and so cute and let's be honest: we can't rely on the acting or the writing alone, so let's pile on the clichés (yeah, okay: not fair, the main kid is actually pretty good and the girl is actually TOO good for this film)...

Really, I can picture the writer(s) and producers in a room:
"We gotta like the kid! So... uhm... He's got a hamster, and the hamster dies! He cries! Great! No, wait... better... He's got a golden retriever and it runs away from him and gets hit by a truck! Close-up on the kid as he screams 'Gooolddiiiieee!' Not a dry eye in the room!... Yeah.... No, wait! he's got leukemia and-- no, no: I got it: we kill off his mom right at the beginning. And his golden retriever chokes on the family pet-hamster who had leukemia. Perfect. Let's shoot it!"
"And the kid's dad is a closet-gay alcoholic with diabetes and he shoves kitchen utensils up his kid's ass every night. And then he licks the shit off the utensils while wearing his dead-wife's garter belt."
"Goddamnit! Who told John Waters about the meeting?!"

Okay... I was writing this last part towards the beginning of the film because I needed to entertain myself somehow... But then, out of the fucking blue,  guess what: His dog Lucy is missing! A dog we've never seen before (and will not see ever). But now we know that the motherless kid with a cute crush is also missing his dog!
Surprisingly, no leukemia-ridden hamster makes a cameo. Unless you count the alien.

Anyway, I realize this is not a review as much as it is random paragraphs pointing out the various and numerous flaws. Oh, well. That's what I do.

So let's continue like that...

Then there's a fluttering of lights and all the cops go 'Woah!' As in: 'Woah! This is the US of A. We don't ever get no power outage in these here parts!' And when I misquote them, they apparently enjoy using double negatives.

But, hold on: Let's talk logic, here... Yeah: ginormous thing is throwing appliances left and right. You're up on a rig. At night (because DWP guys are always working late at night, as we know). So of course, you go up even higher to see what's going on. Sure. Uh huh.

Anyhoo, the kid's mother is dead (have I mentioned this already?). And the kid knows something is up with this whole fishy army-train thing. So why doesn't he just tell people, like his cop dad? Well, because a character says: 'Do you want something to happen to your dad, too?' Yeah. This is the kind of subtle drama we are dealing with here. Now, we know why the mother had to die. But it's all good, because this is a morality tale: the big giant scary spider-like alien is more scared of us than we are of him. All he wants is to go on home. Poor little fella.

And of course, we're supposed to believe that the kid and the dad are working out some issues, because of the recent death. But we feel no tension. And in the end, when they are reunited (oops, spoiler!), you don't feel the love or all gooey on the inside.

Oh, I almost forgot to say this: A guy in a truck who collides with a train at full speed, causing the biggest, most-ridiculous, over-the-top crash ever, well... The truck driver is kinda okay. He talks, he's conscious. He should be in tiny bits, but no. He's okay. Shit, I guess after being the mayor of B'more and listening to Carcetti's shit, you become invincible.

By the way, his name's Woodward. Would Bernstein have been too obvious?

Sheeeeeeeeeit (as our beloved Clay Davis would say).

Should I even talk about the film the kids are making? I think I should: they're kids, but they already know everything about production and characters and things like that.
I mean, I suppose that this is pretty close to reality... The 'filmmakers' here know as much as the filmmakers in the film. Except dumb asses the world over are ready to shell out money to see their shit fest. And those kids' production value kinda almost looks better than what professional these days can do. Seriously, if "The Monsters' Dinner" (IMDb link!) had had special effects or zombies, they wouldn't have looked as good as the kids' shit.

Total non-sequitur: Is Noah Emmerich in everything these days?! At least in this one, you know he's the bad guy, because they show his pockmarks.
And, is it just me or does the cop/father look like a young Robert Forster with the same bad hair-piece?
But it was nice to see Ron Eldard, I actually like the guy. Although his character here is who he'd be if his character from 'Sleepers' hadn't died and had gotten married and become a father. And he kinda looks like a mini gay Iggy Pop.

In the end -spoilers alert- it's a Spielberg/Abrams production. So you just know the bad guys will win. As they always do. Uh-huh. I'm surprised they didn't have the military dudes played by Germans (because, you see, the military are the bad guys, not the scary alien monster. That's the twist!).

Wait, wait... giant magnetic field that sucks up weapons and cars and bikes... but the dude's necklace, no? Really? Oh, no, my bad: It gets pulled in a few minutes later when the filmmakers want us to know that he has moved on from his mom's death. Makes sense: she dies, he gets a crush on a girl, a giant alien grabs him. So, yeah: totally over the whole death thing.

Anyway: I get it, this is like a retro kids-movie with a crazy story kinda like 'Gremlins' or 'Explorers' or 'The Goonies.' Except it's bad. Or maybe I'm older.

I realize I sound more and more like an angry old man and I wonder... Did my parents think that 'Star Wars' was shit? Possibly. I mean, as a kid (and still now), I loved 'Star Wars' and 'The Goonies.' Only difference is... in 30 years, people will still be talking about 'Star Wars,' but 'Super 8' and 'Twilight' will only be mentioned when people talk about some of the reasons why World War IV started.
Yes, IV. I'm a Vonnegut fan. If you are too, then you know what that means. If not, you should read more.

From the beginning, I knew what was going to happen and what was going to be said and how it was going to end. The fact that people flocked to see this film and then actually liked it really makes me hope that the Incas were right and that 2012 will be the year of our collective demise because we, as a species, do not deserve to live if we like or are still able to be 'surprised' by shit like this.

Here endeth the lesson.

PS: Most unbelievable part? Kids with actual attention spans.

PPS: Fun suicidal drinking game: do a shot everytime you spot a cliché! Like when they're trying to build up tension, or trying to spook you. Or when you spot a totally random character that you know will get killed in the next 10 seconds.

PPPS: Films like this one... I know that they're talking to the ugly nerds or the ugly shy guys or just the shy guys out there, saying: 'Yeah, you got a crush on this girl, but good shit could happen if you talked to her. And if your mom dies and aliens invade Earth and she gets kidnaped and you save her (the girl, not your mom). And if you don't shit your pants when you go face to face with a ginormous alien. Otherwise, hey: you're shit out of luck.'

So, the positive message those people are passing on is literally this: the girl you like will only like you if it's the end of the world. Otherwise, tough luck, dude. She'll get knocked up by some random jock while you spend your days in the IT department wondering about what could have been. And then you can write a shit screenplay and have it produced. But you'll still be a lonely nerd, 'cause you're just a screenwriter. Oh, and, hey: drugs are bad, m'kay?