Prince of Persia

Warning: There are spoilers in this review. If you haven't seen the film, read the review and spare yourself the trouble.

Far are the days of 'Donnie Brasco.' Or Darko, for that matter. Anyway, you know a film is not that good when Alanis Morissette's theme song is the best thing about it.

Two questions, right off the bat: why is Ben Kinglsey, sorry, I meant: SIR Ben Kingsley, in this craporama? And why is Gyllenhaal speaking with a (very bad) British accent? I think it's just so that Molina can for once use his real accent. Fair is fair.

Not much to say, except that it's bad. It's more 'Assassin's Creed' anyway. Seriously, all his moves, the scenery, the outfits, and even the camera shots...

This being said, come on:
The prince and the princess, together through circumstances, on a quest. They bicker and bicker, to the greatest amusements of 12 year-olds everywhere, I assume. I wonder if they'll end up falling in love and kissing? Take a guess. Had I been the prince, the princess would have died. I'd have stabbed her with my sword (no, a real sword, made of steal) and gone on my way, because fuck that bitch.

I don't know much about the days this is supposed to be set in, but I'm guessing that a woman looking like that and dressed like that, would have been raped about twenty times before she made it to her horse. I'm guessing. And, I'll say this, which coming from me is saying a lot: She's not that hot anyway. But she'd still have gotten raped a few times before lunch time.
And, wait, hold on: she says: "Let me go." So she sacrifices herself, and that's cool. But how fucked up is it to scream Dastan's name as she falls into the abyss? That's just not cool. Dastan's gonna have some fucked up dreams from now on. I mean, she's like: "I wish you coulda fucked me. But now I'm dying because of you." Not cool. Anyway, you really think she stays dead? You really think the ending ain't happy as fuck? Really? Are you brain dead?

Seriously, their bickering reminded my of 'Spaceballs,' the adventurer and the princess, bickering. If only there had been John Candy in there. Or some humor.

To their credit, according to IMDb, they did try to get a an actual Persian actress. For the role of the non-Persian.
Yeah.

Oh, and if Sir Kinglsey's in this, do we actually excpect him to be a good guy? Really? Are you still brain dead?

Here's why teenagers liked this film: The boys like fighting sequences. The girls just liked seeing Jake half-naked and looking battle-weary all the time. I'm sure if I had been 12, I'd have liked this film. Had I been a gay 12-year-old, I'd have had the perfect excuse to put up posters of a half-naked Gyllenhaal in my room.
But I'm not 12. I'm not gay either, but it doesn't matter, the fact is: I'm not 12. So I thought this film was shit. And ludicrous... the whole walking through the Assassins' lair looked like a scene where Bond walks
through Q's lab. Or something from 'The Kentucky Fried Movie.' And of course, the Assassins are sufis, sure.
Because a spinning dude is sooooo authentic.
And God forbid we'd actually see those guys smoking hashish. No, no, no, no! Not in a Disney film (speaking of which, through all the killings and shit, you see exactly ONE drop of blood in the whole film)!
Sure, the main scary dude looks a bit... stoned. And like something out of 'Return of the Jedi.'

And then it almost turns into '300,' with the armored (sorry, let's keep in the spirit of the film and say: 'armoured') horses. And... combat-trained snakes? Motherfuckin' snakes on a motherfuckin' plane! (Oh, sorry: wrong movie).
Since I mentionedd '300,' I'll say it's nice to see Persians as heroes instead of hermaphrodite giants, so that's cool.

And what about the supposedly light-hearted moments? Well, they're tedious at best: the bickering, the ostriches, Molina. And that's it, really.  I kinda liked the whole fake WMD-thingy, though. I'm sure the audiences totally got that, by the way.

This is so bad, it almost fell like a Ridley Scott film... You even almost had pseudo-Lisa-Gerrad vocals, too!

Speaking of which: For fuck's sake! Does every film set in the desert have to have violin music blatently copied from 'Lawrence of Arabia'?

So, yeah: this film is shit. Then again, that's not fair... I've taken shits that made me feel very good. So this film is more like month-long constipation. Cramps included.

And, wait... The dagger gets you back in time, okay. But you have to keep refilling it. But if you go back in time, then it's like the dagger had not been used. And so you wouldn't have to refill it. Am I wrong?

In the end, I get it, I get it: it's a fairy-tale thingy based on a game, for teenagers. As such, it works. But if you're older than 12, whether you play computer games or not, just give this a skip. Unless you're a masochist. I guess I was, since i watched it all.

Now I need to watch a Melville film to exorcise the demons of the sands of time.

PS: Dastan? Sure, but then the princess should be called Jendeh. Or he could be Dastan Hoffman. Ha. Haha.

PPS: Do a shot every time the word 'scared' is mentioned.

PPPS: Okay, she is actually not too bad looking.

PPPPS: Ah, fuck it. Let's go get some Baghali Polo.