Faster

IMDb Link

I got nothing against over the top shit, really I don't. Give me guns and car chases and a plot thinner than a supermodel on crack and I could be relatively happy.

This film's got a whole bunch of that... A dude is sent to jail, then gets out and kills all the people who killed his brother. That's cool. It's completely unapologetic either, it delivers the fast cars, the loose women and the bullets in the head. Except there are no loose women, so what's up with that? But that's cool. That's cool, but...

Well, there'a always a 'but' these days, isn't there? The 'but' is... Okay, we get it that the old dude is creepy, did we have to see him luring a teenager just so we'd think it's okay for an old dude to get shot?

We get it that showing 'Killer' and 'Cop' written on screen with a freeze frame is very 'The Good, The Bad & The Ugly,' so did one of the characters really need to have his ringtone as 'The Good, The Bad & The Ugly?' Well, okay: In a way, yes. Because then the filmmaker tells us that he loves that film and that's why he's so obviouly ripping ideas from it. Okay, cool.

But... You need a down-on-his-luck detective who smokes and takes drugs and doesn't give a shit. So you go straight for Thornton? His character is like his character from 'Bad Santa,' except he's a cop and has moved on from booze to heroin. He even takes care of a mildly-retarded chubby kid. And why is Billy Bob sporting a Bieber-do?

And... The balls of steel it takes to actually have 'Just Dropped In' on the soundtrack when someone is high, really! Balls bigger than the biggest balls you can imagine. Think of the biggest hot-air balloon. Imagine it overinflated. Well, imagine balls bigger than that... I mean, after 'The Big Lebowski,' that song was locked and loaded and done with. That song is the dude trippin'. How dare you use it in your film?! Seriously, what's next? Start your film with choppers flying at sunset in slo-mo with The Doors' 'The End' playing? Or, or, or, or... Shit, can't think of any other super-cool iconic music moment in cinema. Dear reader, this is your chance: dazzle us with your knowledge and post some comments! (And 'Ca fait du bien, ca fait du mal' from 'Femme Fatale' is a given Sophie, so forget about it! And Greg: 'America, Fuck Yeah!' is a given, too. And Ramin, if you mention a Bergman moment, you are entering a world of pain. And I believe I have addressed all my readers by name now! I've officially jumped the shark.)

And what's with the clichéd lines?! 'I got paperwork up my ass!' 'Please don't hurt me!' 'I'm gonna kill you all!' 'I got 10 days to retirement...'

Also, we get it: the Chevelle is one sexy ride, but stop shooting it as if we were watching 'Vagina on Wheels.' I think the director likes auto-erotica. And I don't mean masturbation.

I also think there's some kind of software out there, called 'Hollywood 101' (no, not named after the freeway) and you load it on a PC and then a monkey hits keys at random and wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am: you got yourself a film. Some are with bad actors and they suck. Some are with good actors and they suck. Some are with bad actors and they're ok. Some are with good actors and they're ok. In my immense generosity and high-blood alcohol level, I have to say that 'Faster' is the latter because even though it is predictable, it's not all too boring. It's not great, but it's not 'Avatar' either.

I get it that Mr Johsnon (formerly-known as The Rock) is a big dude, but really: he looks like he's a nice guy. He's big and could pop my head off as if it were a sub-standard-sparkling-wine's cork (yeah, that's right: not even champagne), but the eyes don't lie: the dude must be a nice dude. And so him as a killer kinda seems weird.

Fact is, and it's a sad fact, when I saw Tom Berenger on screen, I went 'uh oh.' Coz, well... his films lately kinda suck. I think the last good film he was in in the last 15 years was 'Training Day.' Thankfully, he's on screen for about 2 minutes, so that's okay.

Anyway, this is a Luc Besson wet dream: thin plot, lots of action. But without the supermodels pretending to be actresses. We don't even see Ms Carpenter's killer abs! So, really: WTF? Speaking of which: we're supposed to believe she's had a few kids? Really? It's like having Kate Moss play the mother of octuplets.

Did I mention Luc Besson? I did, didn't I? Sorry, I should have said: this is the wet dream of Besson's & Tarantino's love child. I don't mean that it's fat, hairy, balding, pretentious and arrogant, I mean: revenge story à la 'Kill Bill' (come on: the chapel, the woman with kids, the whole revenge thing: come on!) meets guns blazing à la 'Any Besson-produced/directed film ever.' And by the way, you Anglo-Saxon writers out there: notice how I've just written 'à la.' With the accented 'a' and all. Don't you 'ala' or 'a la' or 'alla' us anymore, okay?

But, hey, in the end: I wasn't totally bored, mostly because I was chatting on facebook with a hot Ukrainian friend of mine.

Also, Ms Gugino looks hotter on 'Californication.' And I think Xander Berkley is way underrated and should be in more films. And that is not a joke, this is the truth. The dude's awesome.

I don't want to make a habit of this, but what's with the title? 'Faster?' Go faster, go harder, shoot more people, be crazy? Or... The faster this is over, the faster I can get drunk as a skunk. Or, the faster... The faster... Yeah, no. That's all I got.

By the way... and be warned: spoilers are coming your way... But... okay, so you kill the main bad guy who happens to be a cop. Your face is known by other cops. So... What do you expect, really? At best, you're gonna die. At worst: you're gonna die. Either way: you're fucked. So... The faster you fuck up, the faster you die. Hey: I just figured out the title!