Crossing Over

IMDb Link

Happy times! A laugh marathon, I kept expecting Don Rickles to pop up and do a schtick.

There was 'Babel,' which was quite good. Then there was 'Crash,' which sucked. And then there's this, in the middle... Well, a bit more toward the sucky-end.

A bunch of people, a bunch of stories, all more or less linked together, in Los Angeles, blah blah blah. Isn't it awesome how everything is linked? It's like... Dude... we're all, like, connected in this crazy world. Duuuude, that's like nuts, man, you know?

It does show that the US is now the 4th reich, so that's cool. But Muslims are not seen in the best of light, even if the filmmakers are pretending to be neutral. There are also Iranians, played by Iranians (well, except for Mr Curtis, but he's always awesome, so that's cool). The Iranians I know have never been like the ones shown in 'neutral' films like this one or 'The House of Sand and Fog.'

In films, they are always clichéd old-school dudes who judge women and never (or rarely) cry, but come on: they're not Arabic, or even Turkish... They're Iranians who live in the US. So they should talk like brothers from the hood, wear a lot of gold, drive BMWs (they got that part right in the film) recklessly and harass single women in crappy dance clubs. That's what being Persian in LA is all about... I've never heard of an LA Persian who'd want to shoot a woman for flashing a bit of titty.

Then again, who's the real American? The one who was born there or the one who takes 'justice' into his own hands with a loaded .38?

But you also see the Asians, the Indians and of course the Mexicans, and they all want the same thing: to be part of a country who'd rather send them back home. You do see the bullshit logic-at-play when accusing someone of being a terrorist, you see the frustration of some immigrants who are tired of playing by the rules and you see La Migra at work and, I think, you are supposed to feel sorry for them because the main Migra guy is Harrison Ford, but I don't know... At this point, I would have said 'fuck the INS,' but now that they are the 'Homeland Security,' I don't have the balls to insult them, and anyway with all those words I'm throwing around, I'm probably already on some kind of list. But I'm guessing that most, if not all, people involved in this film are also on the same list, so that's cool...

Ashley Judd's character rules. I wanted to hug her (even if she hadn't looked like Ashley Judd). And what's with Ray Liotta's face? I mean, he's a great actor, but he's starting to look scarier and scarier...

You also see an Australian woman and a British dude who just want to make it as, respectively, an actress and a singer. One fucks a government official and the other pretends to be a devout Jew. So that's kinda interesting, too.

On the plus side, for the poor souls who had to endure 'Sex & The City 2,' here is your reward: the hot nanny is naked most of the time in this film. And she does indeed have nice breasts.

So, if you want to get a green card, here's what you should do, in no specific order:

- Fuck a government official.
- Pretend to be Jewish. Or have a talent that could be used/exploited by Jewish people.
- Don't wear a head scarf.
- Hope Harrison Ford will be in charge of your deportation.
- Don't, really don't, wear a head scarf.
- Don't mention 9/11 in any way that could be in any way interpreted in any way as if you were not 10000% totally disgusted by what happened on that day.
- Don't try to get a fucking green card. Sometimes it's easier to get hacked to pieces by a machete. And less painful.
- Don't wear a head scarf! What are you: stupid?!
- Start eating apple pie. That can't hurt.
- Start saying: "I'm lovin' it!" and "Enjoy!" a lot.

But, really: why be in a country where you can't make a living, where you're hated and prejudiced against and ridiculed for being different? I mean, shit: might as well stay in your own country.

I gotta say, I almost died laughing when a character said: "It was the most spiritual moment of my life." Know what he's talking about? Guess... Yes, he's talking about taking his oath to become an American. HAHAHAHAHAHA! When I became one, it was in a hangar filled with people who could barely speak the language, they didn't look particulary happy either; then we were shown a brainwashing video with horses running around in the misty prairie and country music playing. Then George Bush came on the screen and  said something or other and we all had to stand and give our oath. Sorry, but I've seen episodes of 'I Dream of Jeannie' that were more spiritual. I did not see any smiling judge, I did not see proud people, I did not see a giant flag that would have made Patton blush with envy. We did not get any live soulful rendition of the national anthem. No... We had the drive through version. We had the: "Yeah, yeah, shut the fuck up, you're an American, pay your taxes, go buy an SUV, get obese, now fuck off!" version.

The character then says that people were there because it was their choice. Sure, they chose it. Or maybe they had to do it if they didn't want to be sent back to their countries where they'd be executed, away from their families.

Land of the free and home of the brave, my ass.

Which reminds me, my Turkish visa will soon expire... which of the above rules should I use to stay in Turkey?
Anyone got a head scarf I could borrow?