Drive Angry

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I'm guessing, I'm hoping, that this is based on a graphic novel. But still, there's no excuse...

Within the first five minutes, you can see about 6 things that would get busted on Mythbusters. And I'm including Nic Cage being called 'beautiful.' Or the fact that he has, yet again, long 'hair.'

His name's John Milton... 'Paradise Lost' anyone? Foreshadowing much? Is that why he blows out a (red) right hand in the beginning? And yet it's all so subtle the whole way through... like running over a snake... And he kills like it's going out of fashion... but no women and no cops, even when they want to kill him. My hero.

By now Cage playing a 'badass' has become so clichéd that it looks like he doesn't even believe in it anymore. He's going through the motions. Simply put: he's a whore. He gets paid to do something he doesn't really wanna do, but what are you gonna do? It's money.

Then for a second it's almost cool: you get Peaches playing real loud while the 'hot piece of ass waitress' (I'm sure that's how she was described in the screenplay - and she sure is. Way more than Megan Fox, in my most humble opinion) gets in her hot piece of car. At this point, I was reminded of 'Death Proof.' Actually, I'm lying: I thought of it at the very beginning.
But I did not like 'Death Proof.'
And this is 'Death Proof' for morons, so imagine how I felt about this film.

And by the way: in an old-school Chevy, how can she play Peaches? I'm sure she doesn't have a CD player in there... And I don't think Peaches released her albums on tape. Although I wouldn't be surprised if she did.

I think the screenplay was written by a shrimp. Or any other non-human thing you can think of. A house plant. A rock. An ibuprofen pill. I think sometimes we, as the audience, were supposed to go: 'Fuck, yeah!' or 'Hahaha, too funny!' But it is a never-ending festival of crap. It is predictable, clichéd, pointless, the dialogue is stilted and the whole thing is gratuitously violent. I don't mind violence, but I mind stupidity. 'I need to reload, you drive.' How long does it take to reload? A month?

And then, I had to wail: 'Nooooooo: Pruitt Noooo! Not in this film! I coulda lent you the money!'

And David Morse? WTF?!? You're doing fine in 'Treme,' aren't you?!

I understand some of the dudes are supernaturals and don't fear death and all that... but can't the laws of physics still apply? Or are cars in this world made of cardboard? And do the bad guys go driving around with 100 gallons of gasoline in their trunks?

In the end, this is a film made for frat boys... hot women, fast cars, sex, lots of gun play, stoners comic relief. And I bet you nobody in the audience has ever heard of John Milton or could guess that the devil's minion is after the main guy. Which is also the reason the actors are probably giving for being in this shit-fest: 'Well, you know, it's a really smart screenplay with lots of references that most people won't get.'

Except I guessed the 'big twist' 30 minutes in. And I am ashamed it took me that long. And then people are: 'Oh, so you're back from hell? Okay, cool. Have a beer.'
Sure.

Hey, I'm surprised the closing-credits song isn't 'Ave Maria.' Or 'Ave Maria' sung by Marilyn Manson.

By the way, talking of clichés... bad guy's got a gun pointed at the good guy who says something like 'you coward' or 'let's settle this like men' or 'I'm gonna fuck you up.' So the bad guy puts his weapon away and a fist fight ensues. Uhm... If I am ever in the bad guy's shoes, I'll shoot. No clever lines, no teasing. Just shooting. As Tuco said: 'When you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk.' And if my whole existence is based on the sacrifice of a child, when said-child is under my dagger, I won't put it away to try to shoot the nuisance in my midst instead. I stab the baby, then shoot the nuisance. Plus, my gun holds unlimited ammo anyway. But let's say I put the dagger down... Then I don't just give it to someone and say: 'The baby dies tonight.' No... I say: 'While I am shooting at the fucker, kill the baby.'

What's with the big ending special effects by the way? It makes 'The Goonies' look like 'Avatar.'

Anyway, I'll admit that the The Accountant is a cool character, though a bit clichéd (that's the key word in this review) and predictable. But fun nonetheless. The Accountant, get it? All debts get settled? It's so fucking clever, I want to strangle a puppy and cry.

So, this is a film made for frat boys and people who keep watching the 'Fast and Furious' series.

PS: Is it me or does the hot girl's asshole of a boyfriend look like a trimmed down version of the German in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark,' the one who ends up eating the plane's propeller?