The Oscars (2011)

It seems that every year there's a little film that everyone loves because they just have to. Sometimes that film is good, sometimes it's boring as hell, which is one of the reasons people want to like the film.

For Hollywood, 'art' means no explosions or car chases or beautiful people. Especially that last one. Last year it was cool to love 'Precious' and pretend it was a great film because it was about fat African-American women, so you know: wow, totally real and cutting edge, because we've never seen that. No, never. Because in our sunny backyards, we're too busy lounging by the pool with supermodels. The fat people are down below, let's ignore them. But let's also make a film about them once in a while, that should get us an award or two. And then more money for blow and champagne and supermodels.

This year, one film is about the gritty urban life of a boxer and it's like totally real because they're like all poor and he wants to win so bad and it's a feel good story, so it's totally nice.

Then there's 'The King's Speech.' Not a bad film at all, but it feels like a MOW with very good actors. Visually, it's quite nice, but the story, well... again: MOW.

This year, it's totally cool to like lesbians, so Annette Bening is probably going to win, even though she's had better roles in the past. But if she doesn't win, the Academy might seem homophobic. If only she were black, they'd be able to take care of it all in one go: a black woman winning best actress for being gay. If only she were really gay. If only she were in a wheelchair. Or had just fought a battle with breast cancer. Or was dying of AIDS. Then, when she won, people in the audience (yes, the Academy) could give her a standing ovation for ten minutes and everyone would cry and as soon as she'd start her emotional speech, the music would cut her off and we'd hear: 'The 83rd Academy Awards is brought to you by... Flomax!'
Ah... the magic of Oscar night... Then we'd have the 'In Memoriam' with Tori Amos singing while a slide show of dead people started. And you'd once again be reminded that Hollywood has popularity contests even in death, as witnessed by the level of applause for each dead person. For some, the audience will go nuts, for others (usually DPs, writers, animators) you'll hear polite applause (which is probably a sound effect piped-in by the producers to make us think that some people are actually clapping).

To be fair, some nominated films are actually good. I mean 'Black Swan' (my favorite amongst all the nominees) and 'True Grit.' They're so good they probably won't win Best Picture. But they had to be nominated to show how cutting-edge the Academy can be. And there's '127 Hours,' which is not bad, except for its happy-ending, which The Academy loves. And 'The Social Network' is very good, too... But I am not sure why it is so popular, to be honest. 'Seven' or 'Fight Club' were way better.

Fortunately for all the nominees, there are no films about the holocaust, so they all have a fair chance.

But I wonder, what movies will be nominated next year?...

'Klepto' the true story of a woman fighting her kleptomania, thanks to the love and support of her family. Starring Rachel Weisz as Klepto, John Goodman in the role of his life as the alcoholic therapist, and in a surprising come-back: Melanie Griffith as Weisz's mother.

'Born in the Hood.' This gritty urban drama is a gritty urban drama about a gritty urban drama. Starring gritty urban people you've never heard of. They're ugly, they can't act, but they'll kill you if you don't love this film. Directed by Steven Spielberg.

'Things.' This heart-warming Pixar feature is set in your home! Imagine all your objects coming to life and talking when're you're gone! They'll make you cry more than 'Toy Story' and you'll feel guilty for sitting on your couch (who might be suffering from depression), using your toothbrush (who's bipolar), using a knife and a fork (all they want to do is love each other) and pretty much using anything in your home. Featuring the voices of Will Smith, Bob Balaban, and Shakira as the malfunctioning doorbell.

'Dresden.' A love-story that could never be between a young Wermacht officer and a young Hausfrau, set in Dresden a few days before its bombing. You'll have to suffer through two and a half hours of clichéd melodrama before you see what you came to see: a city getting carpet bombed by the good ol' U.S. of A! Fuck, yeah! Amazing and chilling special effects. Starring Ralph Fiennes and Anne Hattaway. Directed by James Cameron, of course.

'Pain, based on the book 'Painful memories' by Sarah Moskowitz.' A young schizophrenic woman with an eating disorder is diagnosed with MS. See her suffering for two hours, see her cry a lot, see her loved ones cry for her, see her being brave. Then she decides she will make it through. She writes a book about her struggle. Then she dies. Starring Claire Danes.

'The Beat.' The life of two homicide detectives in Cleveland (that's the new Baltimore). People die, they investigate, they drink, they fight. Starring Leonardo di Caprio and Mark Wahlberg. Directed by Christopher Nolan.

'Live from Baghdad.' The touching story of a sodlier sent to Iraq. He kills a lot of Arabic people. Then he goes back home, starts to drink, fights with his wife when he's not hate-fucking her. He then gets a job working for his father-in-law, whom he hates. He drinks some more before killing a random Mexican guy. He goes back to Baghdad, kills more Arabs, starts to feel better about himself. Then he gets killed by friendly-fire and he gets a hero's funeral. starring John C. Reilly as Captain John McGilles, Sam Shepard as his father-in-law, Michelle Williams as his wife, and Cuba Gooding Jr as his shooting/drinking/ambiguously gay buddy.

'A Life.' The true-to-life, sometimes disturbing/always entertaining life of Dean Martin, directed by Martin Scorsese. Enough said.

Of course, 'A Life' would be the best one out there, but it wouldn't win anything. The Academy would be too busy having an aneurysm trying to decide who should win what... between the patriotic bullshit, the gritty urban bullshit, and the disabled bullshit, they'd have their hands full (of bullshit).

My point is: it's time for the Academy to show some balls and start nominating more films like 'The Usual Suspects,' 'Che,' 'No Country for Old Men,' or, uhm... 'The Monsters' Dinner...' In short: films that actually have a story that was actually written by a human being equipped with a working brain (that's right, I actually include myself in that category). Enough bullshit about people making it big, about people overcoming their fears or handicaps, fuck that. Life is full of that. Why wasn't 'The Killer Inside Me' nominated? Or 'The American.' Or 'I'm Still Here' (Wow, I guess I'm a fan of Casey Affleck) or even 'Scott Pilgrim,' which is pretty fun? I'll tell you why... The latter because it is fun, therefore not 'serious enough.' The others, because they're too violent/politically incorrect or because they're just too fucking European.

This being said, I'll definitely be watching the Oscars, hoping for a surprise win. One can dream. Wow, that actually sounds like the tagline for an Oscar-worthy film.