Colombiana

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Word of warning, this shit's about to get disturbing and I'm gonna be crossing the line real quick...

Imagine Tarantino's sequestered Tony Scott and Brian De Palma and forced them to copulate nonstop, over and over again, until one of them, somehow, finally got pregnant.

Then the child would be born and raised by Tarantino and Besson and would end up being wed to a James Cameron clone (no matter what the sex of the Scott/De Palma child is. At this point let's not be homophobic).
The offspring from that unholiest of union (because, you know: a man giving birth to a rape kid) would be named 'Colombiana.'

I know Colombians can kick ass, but do all little Colombian girls know Parkour? Shit, she puts the dude
from 'Casino Royal' to shame. At least she's ruthless and fit, so you reckon that when she grows up she'll be...

Zoe Saldana!

Commence drooling sequence.
For Zoe, not the little girl (well, to each his own).

Anyway, come on! Violence in Bogota! That is so unreal. No one ever died violently in Bogota. Ever. That's
like saying people do cocaine in Colombia or that Escobar was Colombian. So not true. Right?

It's like having the beginning of your film set in the 80s and having sim cards and HUMMERs, that would just be silly.
Right?
Or, they have super-advanced technology but are still using CGA computers. Shit, at the end of the day it's Colombia, what do I know?! Do they even have electricity there?

So, in case I've been too subtle, I am saying the dialogue's bad (thus the Cameron reference), the story is
full of improbabilities (thus the Besson reference, but it's more than a reference since he co-wrote the screenplay. What a surprise.), the cinematography is totally 'Revenge' and 'Man on Fire' and the
little girl wreaking havoc (Tarantino) and going to Miami and having hispanic gangsters (De Palma. But at least you do get a glimpse of the 'Scarface' poster) is, well... a mix of all the directors I've just mentioned. Plus throw in 'The Fugitive' with Lennie James as Tommy. And of course there's the big scene where they talk and the dialogue is so bad, respect to Zoe and Lennie for pulling off the acting.

So it's a revenge story with the law right on her (so beautiful) ass and the bad guys right on her (great) ass... In short, it's 'Nikita' with Zoe. Or 'Leon' with Zoe, with a bird instead of a plant and where Colombians speak in English to each other.

Luc: why don't you write something new? Seriously.

But, you got Zoe (but maybe I've already mentioned that?) and, acting-wise, you got Cliff Curtis, but he looked a bit pissed to be in this. Then again, he got to be close to Zoe... But from the beginning we know what will happen to his character.
Respect also to Lennie. Just because he's cool.

I am not saying I was bored to tears, it is a vaguely entertaning film, if somewhat typical. In any case, you got
Zoe. What else do you need?! Although, hey: let me be a total prick: in HD, her skin's not all that good (women: comence rejoicing sequence!)
But, to be a real prick... Really? Do I care about her complexion?
As a very real prick: Yes, I do.

Oh, shit: I'm in a never-ending loop of hot girl vs not perfect skin... Help meeeee!

Hey, wait, was that Michael Vartan looking forlorn and serving no purpose whatsover? In other words: was that Michael Vartan?
Plus he makes out with Zoe. Plus he pretends he 'just wants to talk.' Plus he's there only to give Zoe's character some romantic time and for us to see that she is emotionally damaged. Weird. You'd think that at some point she'd get over the fact that her parents were killed in front of her.

And you know she's troubled. You know how you know this? Because in one scene, she SMOKES! OMG!! Well... she's holding a lit cigarette, you don't actually see her smoke, that would be totally taboo and wrong. Only bad guys smoke.
Seriously, back in the days, good guys were dressed in white and bad guys in black. Now you can recognize the bad guys because they smoke.

Towards the last few minutes of the film, I had to stop the film a bit early, because they dared to use Johnny Cash's version of 'Hurt,' which is a simply incredible song. Much too incredible for this film.