Little Fockers

Here's how to make Americans watch your film. This is a sure-fire way, so pay attention, all you crazy producers-wannabe!

- First, lots of scatological humor. Buckets of shit thrown on people ('Meet the Parents.' Or is it No. 2? Who cares?), cats learning to shit in human toilets ('Meet the Parents'), enemas ('Little Fockers'). And dick jokes, you gotta have dick jokes.

- Puke. It's always funny to see a kid projectile vomit.

- Hot young women. Not just hot, but Jessica-Alba hot. Really, when I saw her name in the opening credits, I just KNEW that she'd be some threat to the happy marriage and that Stiller's character would dig her (because, who doesn't? Have you seen her thighs?).

- Homophobic humor and 'puns.' Gaylord Focker. It made America laugh for the last 10 years. And have Stiller and De Niro confused as gay lovers, because you know: nurse and florist. Hahaha! They could have been a bit more subtle if instead of nurse, they would have him say, as a double entendre: 'I stuff butts!' Oh: hahaha! So funny! So refined! But, come on: it makes Ricky Gervais sound like Mark Twain. But... 'Andy gives daddy his boners.' Or: 'Gay Focker.' Really? Was this film written by Leni Riefenstahl? Well, it would make sense, get the Fokker name recognized again!

- Have old people talk about sex. Ooooohh, so gross! Sex! And old people! That's hi-fucking-larious!

- Make references to 'The Godfather' so that, as they laugh, the overweight losers will think they are being sophisticated for understanding the references to a critically-acclaimed film (but, of course, you need to play music that kinda sounds like the original music to make the audience actually get that it's a reference to 'The Godfather.' America makes me weep. Literally. Come on over and see me weep. Bring tissues, I've run out of them a week ago. And that makes me weep some more). Yeah. Instead, I say: make jokes about Taco Bell, like have De Niro say 'Bring back the Chalupas!' and the same audience will laugh just as hard. Then again, the 'French Connection' reference was pretty good. But I'm guessing only 10 people actually got it. But the 'Jaws' thingy? Come on: I knew it was gonna happen before it happened. I knew it was gonna happen before the writers even wrote it.

- Have kids say 'vagina' and 'poop.' Hahaha! Crazy writers, that's sooooo fun-e. There's a film that has a kid talk about ejaculation ('Happiness.' Good film). I can't wait for a film where a kid says: 'Mom, you're such a cunt!' But it'll probably be a Kevin Smith film, unfortunately.

- Have blood squirting over everyone. Like SNL did 30 years ago.

- Get highly-respected actors have 'fun' on camera. De Niro. Hoffman. Danner (is it weird that I think she's hotter than her daughter?), Streisand, Dern (is it strange that I find her hotter than her dad?). And Keitel, for fuck's sake!

- Have a grown-up do a Spock-sleep-thingy to a kid. Actually, that's the only time I giggled. I love it when kids are silenced.

- More importantly: have a bullshit story, a bullshit conflict and a bullshittier resolution as an excuse to con the money out of stupid popcorn-munching idiots. Well, shit: if they're dumb enough to shell out their hard-earned cash for this shit, then they deserve to get fleeced.

So, to sum up: sex, shit, and pop culture references. That sounds like a Tarantino film. Without the sex or the shit.

I have to say: I like Owen Wilson. I don't know why, but I think he's funny (most of the time) and he seems like a nice guy. But everytime I see him in a Ben Stiller film, I figure that Stiller forced the producers to hire his buddy to make sure he wouldn't try to kill himself all over again. I'm not saying that Kate Hudson is not worth it, I'm just saying... Well, I don't know what I'm saying, except I'm glad Owen Wilson didn't die because of some bitchy blonde.

But, you know what? Respect to De Niro. I kept expecting him to stop halfway through a sentence, look around, do the surprised eyebrows/squinty eyes/frowny mouth thing and say: "Are you fucking kidding me? I'm Robert-fucking-De Niro, you fuck! What the fuck am I doing in this fucking film, you fuck? Fuck you! And... wha'? Wha'?! Are you talkin' to me? Are-- Huh? Jessica Alba? Yeah? Really? Okay, fine. I'm more partial to the Mochaccinas (or is it Mochaccini?), but fuck it: Alba will do. Okay, keep rollin', let's try again..."

And, uh... "I'm harvey FUCKING Keitel, I'm not naked and I'm not crying in this film and I'm not kicking ass either, so why am I here? I don't even have to kill vampires or be a nice cop who feels bad when two old ladies drive over a cliff. I'm Keitel. I will fuck you up! Semper Fi, motherfucker! What? Money? An acting job? You mean that all the other assholes out there can't appreciate me so you'll throw me a bone and pay me even though I'm just a glorifed extra? Okay, sure. But fuck you nonetheless. The Keitel will rise again!"

And come on... De Niro and Keitel... 'Godfather' so-called 'references' throughout the film... and not even ONE 'Taxi Driver' thing? Like "Suck on this!" or something?! Or 'Mean Streets'?... "What's a mook?!" But, I gotta say: De Niro and Keitel sharing a scene, way cooler than Pacino and De Niro.

Finally, is it just me or does the school's name, 'Early Human' sounds like some eugenics scheme thought up by Himmler?

So, yeah. 'Little Fockers.' I feel like a Focker for having seen the film. This is one 'focking' waste of time.

And there: I took the easy way out by fockering the word fuck. Oh, well. Fock you, too.