Hanna

IMDb Link

From the very beginning it tries to be edgy... Little girl shoots animal, then big letters showing the title, kinda like a Gaspard Noë or Hanecke film. But, yeah: no. If you think that 'Atonement' was a long, drawn-out, obvious film, then wait till you get a load of this... Seriously, 'Atonement' was heavy-handed with the whole water theme, to make film students happy because they thought they were smart enough to notice a leitmotiv. Well, this film has the main character literally walk into a wolf's mouth (well, not a real wolf, but still) and we're supposed to go: 'Duuuude! She's walking into the wolf's lair, like literally, kinda, and she sees Bambi and she killed Bambi's mom in the beginning, and now the bad bitch is like Bambi's mom and so this goes like... full circle, dude!'

But, as I am wont to say: Yeah, but no.

It's Truffaut meets Spielberg, and not in a 'Close Encounter' kinda way. In case you're wondering, I mean: 'The Wild Child becomes an action hero.'

By the way, as a side note: I bet you the Ossama raid was less impressive than the one shown here.

Also, the psychiatrist looked like someone straight out of 'South Park.' And then the rest of the film felt like a video game. A game I would have loved to play. But a film I'd rather have not watched.

So, I was talking about heavy-handedness: We have to really understand that she is not used to modern amenities, so we get hit over the head with sounds and images. Crazy world. Who's backward? The clueless bumpkin or us? Things that (try to) make you go 'hmm....'
But just made me go 'yawn' instead.

I won't even mention the Moroccan clichés or the gun fight clichés or the cliché clichés. The mystery of Morroco, the gypsy camp à la 'From Russia with Love' (güle güle!), the flirty Spaniard (who provides the one giggle, with the awkward moment between him and the girl), the evil CIA.

But, hey: the call to prayer sounds beautiful, so it's like... politically correct and all. We get it: she's not used to the usual shit, she's in awe of it all. Yeah. We get it. Let's move on.
Except, yeah: she can use a mouse and the internet within two seconds. Right, give me a break. If you don't know what the fuck music or electricity is, can you really just google the shit out of the world right from the get go? Gimme a break! And what search engine is she using? It looks like a cheap Marilyn Manson video!

I mentioned a giggle with the Spaniard... I think the director wanted us to giggle with the magician/clown guy, and he was trying to pull a Wenders on us with some light slapstick in a serious film. But he is no Wenders, so the scene just felt contrived. Partly because of the obvious musical choice, partly because of the obvious red light flickering effect.

Plus, on a personal note: fuck clowns.

To prove how clichéd it is (in case you need another proof): when the woman asks Hanna: 'What do you believe in?' In my mind, I answered the way I heard it in 'The Big Lebowski: 'I believe in nothing!' Sure enough... Hanna doesn't say it, but the woman laughs and says: 'Nothing?' She should then have added: 'That looks exhausting!'

Yawn. Cut off your little toe, put some red nail polish on it and let's call it a day.

But the movie's 'homages' or references, or whatever you call them, keep piling on...

'Marathon Man' (well, the bloody teeth thing). 'Psycho' (well, the blood down the drain), 'The Conversation' (well, the close ups of the tapes), 'Hulk' (well, a pissed off Bana), 'Kill Bill' (well, the killer whistling), any other Tarantino (well, the foot thing and pointlessness), 'Star Wars' (well, 'I'm your father!'), 'Heidi' (well, the little girl), 'The Smurfs' (well, tiny things winning over evil people), 'Shoot 'em Up' (well, the merry go-round), 'The Goonies' (well, the... no, I totally made that one up).

What's with the 'bad guy' by the way? He's at a victim's home and just fondling a bow and arrow? Fantasising about shooting a long wooden spike up some dude's ass? 'Cause, yeah: the bad guy is German, he has a bad German accent, bleached hair and is effeminate as fuck. Cue Autobahn: 'That's not faaaair!' And, hey: lucky he had a bow and arrow. Like the girl at the beginning...

But speaking of other films: Unfortunately, Blanchett plays a slightly more sublte character than she played in the last Indiana Jones. But she is still so ridiculously classy and beautiful that I don't care as long as I get to look at her. Although, at least, in the last Indiana Jones, she was wearing skin-tight clothes... And in this film, her American accent gets worse and worse as the film progresses... But she has really sexy ankles, so that's cool.

And, hey: at least Saoirse (yeah: I don't know how to pronounce it either) is starting to look old enough to... I mean... No, never mind. I had already thought that while watching 'Atonement' anyway.
No, I didn't say that.
Fuck you: Let he who has never thought of Portman in 'The Professional' in a non-pure way cast the first stone.

Ow, fuck! Who threw that?! No fair: feminists can't play this game!
Plus both those girls could shoot/kick the shit out of any perv', so chill the fuck down!

Anyway, to get back on track... I don't know, in the end it felt like someone was trying to be Soderbergh or Corbijn and just fell short of greatness. Ok, not greatness. But good-ness. At least the soundtrack is really good. If Moroder was making soundtrakcs in 2011, that's what it would sound like.

Honesty time: was I totally bored? No. But was I totally entertained? No. Why? Because it was predictable. This being said, I would love to see a fight between Hanna and the chick from 'Kick Ass.' For once it's not a creepy fantasy, but actual curiosity: who would win?

PS: Say what you want about being tough on your kid, but Bana's got the right idea... Be a Kato to her Clouseau, she will thank you in the end.

PPS: So... an Aussie playing an American (with a Russian, then a German accent. Why not). And an Irish playing an American. And a Brit playing an American. So... no more American actors out there?

PPPS: Wright wants to be Danny Boyle. He ain't. He ain't even Wright. He's just plain Wrong.

Aoh! Zing!