Secretariat

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A film about a horse. Who cares? I sure don't, I don't like horses.
But it's actually not too boring, mostly because of the actors. Notice I said 'not too boring,' not 'not predictable.' Also, it's too long. So it is a little boring, but not as much as you'd expect. Anyway, more about the actors...

The Disney pockets are bottomless, so they can afford to hire Scott Glenn as a glorified paper weight. And Malkovich as a French-Canadian. I guess he'd be in any film to show us that he does indeed speak French. We also have Dylan Baker as kind of an asshole (no surprise there) and James Cromwell as a non-asshole and uber-Republican Thompson (I guess he didn't get re-elected) as a friendly dude. And Diane Lane in her least naked-role ever. That's what Disney money can get you.
Little-known fact: in one of the race scenes, in the crowd, as extras, Disney went to great lengths to actually revive the bodies of Orson Welles, John Wayne and Jimmy Stewart. Sure, you don't see them. But they're there. Totally worth the 92 million dollars. It's movie magic.

Also, in the Disney world, in 1970s America, NOBODY smokes and NOBODY drinks and NOBODY swears and of course, this being the 70s, nobody takes drugs. Also, apparently there's no betting involved either, why would there be, it's horse racing after all (okay, there's one tiny mention of that most horrific act towards the end).
Oh, and apparently, everybody's white except for a couple of ten-year-old Black Panthers and the horse caregiver, played by the cook from 'True Blood,' with hair. And probably not gay here, because it is the Disney world (although there is one scene where he's giving Secretariat a blow job. It's kinda gross).

Oh, and of course we have the religious themes... Starts with a Bible story and the big win is done to a gospel hymn. I think someone forgot to tell Disney that Gospel's not really Aryan music. I think because of this hymn, they're comparing the horse to Jesus. Or that God had money riding on this race. Or maybe both?

In the real world, I'm guessing the 'good old boys' of the racing world were more like: 'You dumb bitch, whatcha know 'bout horses, you loopy cunt?!' But in the Disney world, no. Also, sorry for quoting Al Swearingen, but whenever a mysoginist quote is needed, I can't help but conjure up Al.

So, as I believe I might have already mentioned, it's a Disney film. About a horse. What do you think happens? The horse loses? Then gets shot in the head and everybody gets to take pieces of him home to throw on the barbecue and eat him while downing some beers?

Of course, they try to build the pressure: the horse has a small problem, so he might lose the big race and everyone's gonna end up poor, so it's really important. We even have close-ups of the horse, giving the camera a 'meaningful look,' which I interpreted as 'where the fuck's my hay?!' but maybe it was 'I'm in so much pain, but I'm gonna win, coz I'm a winner. And I'm the star of this flick, bitch!' Or something to that effect. But then Diane Lane stares at the horse and I'm guessing she means to convey this message: 'If you win this, I'll ride you like no one's ever ridden you before.' Again, something to that effect. But even the horse is not sure how to interpret this. But just in case he understood it the way he hopes he did, he wins. Wouldn't you have? And the last image tells me Secretariat became a very happy horse the night he won the race.

In any case, why spend two hours (seriously, 120 minutes, that's long!) watching this film? It's about a horse who wins. Oh, and I guess it's also kinda about its owner, who's a woman.
But, although there isn't a whole backstory of Great Depression, I think I liked it a bit better than 'Seabiscuit.' Mostly because I can't figure out what a sea biscuit might be. And the word secretariat makes me think of Maggie Gyllenghall doing naughty things.