The Trial

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No, this is not Kafka's 'The Trial,' not the Orson Welles film or any other good film. Seriously, I've taken shits that were more intense and interesting that this film (so sue me: I like spicy food).

Now, I'm guessing some earlier drafts of the screenplay were not horrible. But as it is now, you can almost feel the rewrites. And they're painful:
Let's not demonize the DA, let's have him say he's sorry about Modine's family. And that he's glad Modine didn't pull the trigger.
And let's not forget that the target audience are Americans, and they've probably never watched any TV shows or films with lawyers, so have Modine ask his team: 'Reasonable doubt, what does it mean?' Just to be sure, he tells us again later on. Good.
And have the pathologist explain to Modine what Rohypnol is.
The shrink then talks about the client: 'He's depressed.' Modine answers: 'I'm depressed.' Oh, okay, I didn't know. You putting a loaded gun under your chin in the first minute of the film wasn't clue enough for me. I just figured you were a big 'Deer Hunter' fan.
Then she explains what trauma is. It's a blow to the head. Good to know. Let me use this new word in a sentence: 'This film is a trauma.'

A five-year-old mangy wolverine could write better dialogue than this. A two-year-old marmoset could direct it better.

And of course the expert is a grief specialist. I wonder if she's gonna help Modine with the shit he's going through. Plus, hey: her kid doesn't have a dad, he doesn't have a wife or kids, shit, there's porkin' on the horizon! Also, I wonder if his client is gonna get executed (notice I didn't say: "I wonder if he'll be found guilty."). I wonder if I'm gonna lose my dinner because of this film. Nah, I washed it down with wine. Shit, my dinner WAS wine. We're safe.

Oh, wait: then there's the 'big confrontation.' And apparently, all you have to do to get over Rohypnol, you just gotta put a blanket on your shoulders and drink a cup of coffee. So what's the big fuss about?

The DVD of this film should come with barf bags. Plus the grief thing becomes a whole 'thank God' thing. Double barf.

At some point, of course, there's a setback, the lawyers go ape-shit: "why didn't you tell us about this?!" and blah blah blah...

Thing is, even if most audiences weren't dumb, the film would still be clichéd. The sad lawyer taking on one more case. 'The Verdict' anyone?

Oh, let me explain: Modine's a lawyer who lost his family in a car crash and he's suicidal. So he plays everything very mournfully, but I think he's just wondering what the fuck he's doing in this film. So am I. Plus his family is apparently buried in a park, or it's the world's smallest cemetery, I don't know.

So, if you think this film's title refers to the story, you're wrong. The real trial is watching the whole film. I was able to do it, I deserve a prize.

At the end of the day, it's always cool to see Gunton as the 'bad' guy (although in the end he really isn't, so let's go ahead and say: "triple barf!") and it's always nice to see Modine. I mean, shit, he was in 'Full Metal motherfuckin' Jacket' after all!

Drinking game: do a shot everytime Gunton says "defendant."

Anyway, what's all the hoopla about the victim? She was ugly anyway.

Ooooh! Zing! I'm such a sexist bastard!

But seriously... Where can I get me some Rohypnol? And then where can I find a girl to have a drink with me? What? It's okay! She'll have a coffee and cover her shoulders and she'll be a-okay!