Centurion

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I wonder if in 2000 years, there will be films where audiences are expected to identify and feel sorry for SS men.
Yes, I am comparing the Nazis to the Romans: blood-thirsty and wanting to conquer the world.
Except this film is not about the world, it's about one tribe. Not Asterix and his cronies, but some other warriors, the Picts. They're warriors who capture a Roman, then tell him "Time to die!" Then don't kill him. Those kind of warriors. They're defending their fucking land, so let them kill all the Romans! Seriously, the way it's shot, we're supposed to care for those latin fucks. But I sure wasn't, I was rooting for the warriors. Fuck that sad music and those slow-mo shots, because we're supposed to feel sorry for the invading forces? I think not. Therefore, there was no suspense whatsoever, because I wanted them to fail at whatever they were attempting. At least I took comfort in the fact that almost all of them die.
But not all of them. Fuck.

I think this film was made just to have an excuse to show a lot of blood and severed limbs. Because it's not entertaining (except for butchers and sadists), it's not informative, it's just people fighting people. And, yes: we get it. Battles are bloody and fierce. And apparently, when you die, you multiply. Seriously, it looks like there are more dead Roman soldiers than there were living ones before the battle. What's up with that?

So it's the story of a Roman camp being attacked, then they take a prisoner. He escapes (God knows how), joins another Roman legion. They get attacked, another prisoner is made (general McNulty), so the surviving Romans have to release him. Then the prisoner has to fight. Then the remaining Romans are tracked by the 'bad guys.' Those bad guys, as is by now their custom, do not kill the Romans when they could. Instead, they kill them one by one, sometimes. Then they meet a super hot farmer/witch girl (because, yes, all recluse women looked like that back then). Then they finally fight. Then, they fight amongst themselves. Then the lone survivor fights the Romans. Then he goes back to the hot farmer.

I suppose the point of the hot farmer girl is to show us that not all of those savages are actually heartless. But, uhm, again: they're fighting for their land. Plus the Romans killed the king's kid... Give the Picts a fucking break!

And this is of course yet another film where people who have no business talking English talk in English... But with a British accent, so it's okay. It's realistic! Or, shit, maybe it's just a British film and I'm being a prick for talking about this in the first place...
Say what you will about Mel Gibson, but at least he'd have had the actors speak latin.

On a side note, personally, during the forest attack scene, as a director, I'd have put 'Great Balls of Fire' on the soundtrack. But that's just me.

So... as mentioned before, the king's son is killed (he wasn't much of a talker anyway) and the king doesn't hunt the men? He just says to one of his soldiers: "You're my wrath, bring me their heads." It's like saying: "I am so fucking pissed right now! But you go kill them. I'll just stay here and knit. The quilt of wrath!"

And what's with the voice-over? It's like he's trying to teach us the ways of the tribe, he's turning into David Attenborough! And then he tells us obvious things that we know.... The film starts with the guy half-naked, hands tied, running in the snow and he says: "This is neither the beginning nor the end of my story." Uhm... Obviously. But these are also the last words we hear! Woah! That's deep! Except, thank heavens, it actually is the end of the story as far as we're concerned, so he can pork the farmer for half a century for all we care. As long as it's over, I'm happy.

Speaking of the VO, what about this: "Is she angel... or devil?" Well, she saved your life twice and cooked for you, but yeah, who knows what she is.

By the way... when they are trying to release the general, you keep seeing the enemy on horses, getting closer but never actually getting there. It reminded me of 'Quest for the Holy Grail,' with John Cleese running at the castle and never getting there until all of a sudden: wham-bam!

The biggest tragedy? There are two hot actresses in there. And they never remove their clothes. Plus one never speaks. I guess they couldn't find a second actress who could talk with a British accent who was desperate enough to be in this film.

In closing, if your brain is too tiny to handle plot and you really loved '300,' then you'll probably dig this film.
And if that's the case, I pity you.